I have discovered something about myself. About the way I remember things. Sometimes I remember things all out of order. Like I remember people in a way that was .. but not the last was that was. A previous was. A was that was before the last was and then slowly the last was tickles my synapses and I am slightly embarrassed. As if ... perhaps if they knew I remembered a different was than was a current was they would know some secret about how my mind works. Reading into it some assumptions on what I really want. Which is more than I know. Not to say I am denying that to be true .. just would rather work it all out in my own time without someone pushing me along.
When I strode up to the fires today Leonette spoke to me without looking up .. as is her way. Or was her way .. seems to still be her way. To recognize people by movements and sounds. She is much like I remember her .. but distant. Not quite real. I think if I tried to touch her she would shimmer and fade from my sight like a mirage.
She told me she had two kaiila for me. I was pleased to hear this for Leonette has always had a way with the beasts .. even when she was collared ... which of course is one of those was moments that is not a current was and .. not something I should be remembering. But she was .. or is.
She said she had been meaning to bring them by to me .. but had not. I asked her why. She said she was not sure how she would feel to see me when she did. And well .. I remembered that was and it was not a very nice was and I could well understand her not wanting to go there.
So I asked her how it was now that she had seen me. Since I never learn and always seem to let things out of my mouth I should not.
She said I was here .. safe and tangible. But it seemed to be a positive thing .. or at least not so bad a thing as it could have been. I told her that I was not always sure that tangible and me in the same sentence was a good thing.
She offered to clean the dirty bandage for me .. I told her it was fine. I did not jump when she barely touched me. That is a was that seems to have changed. I will have to think about that later.
It got to that awkward part where you try to catch up and I asked about Ramza and if she had any children. Seemed like everyone at the First Fires was doing so .. but that is where things got really confusing.
I tried to understand what she told me but I failed miserably .. I did get out if it that she did not have any. I also got out of it that it was not a good thing .. but not such a bad thing that either one of them seemed to be letting it get in the way of their relationship. I think. Like I said I did not follow that part of the conversation very well.
There was more to it but .. nothing that helped my confusion. She seems to flicker .. one moment seeming warm and alive and breathing and the next .. pale and distant like a barely remembered dream as you slip into waking conscious. One moment I want to shake her and make her wake up .. and the next I am convinced that if I even barely lay my hands on her she will drift like mist through my fingers and be gone.
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