A Friend

I found Cana and Tarra at the fires and I settled in for a comfortable conversation but Tarra left soon after I arrived.

I spoke to Cana about Yamka .. some of my thoughts .. certainly not all of them. We spoke of prospects in general. I spoke of my natural cruelty .. that I tend to play "good Tuchuk" more because there are plenty playing "bad Tuchuk" and it is harder for me to step up and be nice. A challenge to myself .. if you will. She told me she had noticed that I do not allow people close very often. I suppose that is true .. but to be honest I do not see that many who wish to be close to me. There are a few who tell me so .. I do not deny that. But very few who act like they do. Actions have to meet words for me to give any kind of credence to the idea. The concept means nothing to me without that.

She said she felt honored that I allowed her in. It amuses me a little because I do not allow any such thing. It just is .. mostly because she has never made me sorry for talking to her. Even when we argued or disagreed I never felt she judged me as a man or a Tuchuk. She perhaps judged my opinions or ideas .. which is her Sky given right .. but she never made me sorry for having my own ... no matter how different or caustic they may have been. No matter how wound up I got .. I always feel comfortable asking her questions .. working things out in my head and using her as a sounding board. If there is a living soul that gives my mother any kind of preferred memory .. it is Cana. I never knew my mother .. but I would not have wanted her to be perfect. I would want her to be real. Even when it made me angry.

I finally got around to asking Cana about Yamka's idea .. and Silken's seemed agreement ... that it was preferable to be a mate to a man she did not like rather than to be as slave to a man she loved. Cana's initial assumption was that this was along the same lines as the conversations we have had in the past about slave verses free. Which it is .. but it is different. Back then we spoke of the nature of women .. and I am rather comfortable with the idea that there are women who should never be slaves. That their nature is to be free.

But I have to say this idea unnerved me. Would a woman be my mate .. a woman who did not even like me? A woman who was in love with another man that would not accept her in any way but on her knees? Would someone .. a Tuchuk ... would a woman actually do me such a disservice? Would she take that place with me merely to bear children and fulfill the idea of her own destiny while loathing me? What was the point of waiting to find some woman who understood me if that was all I had to look forward to? To take a woman simply for the sake of heirs is a common practice and not one that I disagree with .. merely I sought something more. Understanding.

You see .. I am not an easy man to get along with. I am not an easy man to live with. I can not express myself in the ways that endear people to me. I am plagued with apathy when I should have emotion and I am plagued with emotions when it would be best for me not to feel. Many times my expressions have found vent in anger and brutality. I destroy the very things I want so badly. So it is .. that if I could have any one thing from a woman .. I must reiterate yet again that it would be .. understanding.

She had no answer for me .. other than to be careful. She did not tell me it would not happen .. or that I was mistaken. She told me that indeed there were women who would do such. She told me to listen to my heart .. I told her I was not worried about the lies of my own heart but the lies of someone else's. She told me that was a good worry to have.

great

Not that any of this is something I have to figure out this moment. I have no feelings for any woman .. no urges to take another mate right now. And though it pains me to see the children of my Brothers for they remind me of my great plans which have returned to the Sky .. I have not given up on them entirely. Many seem to have forgotten T'zuri .. but she is still fresh in my mind. She meant a lot to me .. I miss her. I miss how she could dance around my anger and my frustrations and keep me from delving into my darkest parts. She never wanted to know those parts .. I never wanted her to know them. I never wanted them to touch her in any way. I miss her patience with me as I tried to figure out what it is I really wanted. Throwing her from free to collar to free .. she never punished me for my own lack of direction. She let me define my desire in any way I needed at the time .. and she was just .. there for me... challenging me on ever step but deferring to me at the same time.

Cana told me she was sorry. Sorry for how things turned out. I told her not to be .. not to be sorry. I was not ... if there is something I know about life as a Tuchuk it is that the Sky gives and takes away and I was fortunate to have known T'zuri ... to have shared what we did and I was a better person for it. T'zuri's impact on my life was nothing but positive. Women who enter my life from this point forward should thank the Sky for her .. for she has made the path a little easier .. a little less dangerous ... a bit more comfortable.

I am thankful also for Cana .. who sat and listened to all my rambling and venting with patience .. perhaps it was simply she was too tired to get up and move away from the fires .. but I am thinking it is more that she is just a very .. good ... friend.