Dance of Emotions

I had torn my shoulder loose a little on Ogedaii .. I felt the moisture within the bandage. But it did not matter much .. I had some riding to do and then I made my way towards the main fires .. still seeking food and company.

The company turned out to be Silken and Yamka. Seemed I did not need to go seeking Silken out in the wagon for she had been released .. it was good to see her by the main fires. Well .. mostly.

She was .. like a shadow ... of Silken. Once more her words were watered down and mixed with politeness. That is .. when she disturbed herself enough to speak. I felt like I was a stranger to her .. instead of someone she had been speaking to rather personally .. at the wagon. It called into question for me everything she had said .. all she had expressed.

I am not sure what I would have expected to see in her. Perhaps joy .. relief? Some kind of excitement to feel the Central Fire on her face and the breeze against her cheeks. Bare her head to the rain and let the insides of her open up to the Sky. Bubbling up of gratefulness for those who had spoken for her .. rallied around her and protected her.

Perhaps the things she said to me at the wagon were merely said under duress. I can well imagine the tricks and hauntings of the mind within enclosed space. It is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Well that is not true .. I would. But Silken was not my worst enemy. Perhaps it had been too much. Perhaps she was not strong enough to get through it to the other side. Perhaps it had broken something inside.

How many masks could she wear? Which one was real? Which one was who she really was? I felt confused .. I did not push her. To me it would have been like poking at a wounded kaiila foal. Just not in me to do. Perhaps I was a mere port in a storm and she was capable and willing to move on as if we had never spoken as friends. I can not say .. I will give it time and allow her space to be whomever it is she has chosen to be. It is not for me to tip the balance either way.

Yamka said something that turned the conversation. She said that perhaps someone had spoken to her father for he no longer used the whip. Interesting. I asked her if she was disappointed. She looked at me as if I were insane. But I had damn good reason for asking such of her. She had told me that the whippings .. were a sign of her father's love. If that is so .. then did she miss her father's love? Did she feel an emptiness there where it had once been expressed? If she could interpret the welts and scars on her back as love .. was she capable of seeing his love expressed differently? Had he found a new way? It was my experience .. limited as it is ... that to find a new way is not that easy nor quickly done.

Ask Leonette.

Yamka said that she was thankful for her father's love. His discipline .. because it helped her be different than her friend. Which statement of course led to more questions on my part .. coming to find that her friend had submitted to a man because she wanted him and was not willing to be without him. So I asked .. was it more important to be free and claimed by a man that you did not necessarily even like .. or was it more important to be with a man you loved even if it meant at his feet as a slave? They both answered it was more important to be free .. than to be with the man you loved.

Interesting.

Were their answers due to real knowledge? Or had neither of them ever really been in love to know? I must wonder. Though I am a man and I do know that my opinions mean very little to the mind of a woman. I have learned that the hard way.

I find the entire thing rather interesting and worthy of more study. I wish T'zuri was here to ask .. she always challenged my understandings of such things. Perhaps I will ask Cana. Though it is a rather personal sort of thing to ask she has never made me feel foolish nor been afraid to speak to me of things even though they were perhaps dangerous for a free woman to even consider to anyone but their mate .. and even then sometimes not so wise. But Cana knows me .. knows it is my genuine desire to understand ...

yes I shall ask Cana.

CANA