What ... do I Want

I am sorry.

Sorry is for losers .. being sorry never helped anyone especially me.

I am not sorry.

I am Fonce of the Tuchuk. I am a great warrior. I am a proud man. I am capable.

I am not sorry. But I wish I had not made some of the choices that I did. I wish I had made a few different ones. There is only to move forward holding my intent in my hand instead of my frustration.

Yeah .. you try it.

I did not go into my wagon to sleep that night. I was calm. Probably mostly do to her female puttering around and feeding me. It took away my edge and let me fall back into the typical and habitual give and take between two people. But I still felt it .. that it was so close to the surface and I did not want to bring it up again tonight. I did not want to let it react .. I did not want to do another thing that might jeopardize her as a person or as a living being. I did not want the pressure of control .. I just wanted to think.

I have to ask myself what I want. I have not done that enough. I ask others what they want .. from me. I have not allowed my own want to enter much .. aside from a man who can and does take what he wants without thinking at times. But in this case I needed to think ... and I needed to know what exactly it was that I did want.

She said something to me that is sticking with me much longer than I expected. It has burrowed into my skull and is taking seed in my brain .. infecting my thoughts. She asked me what I would do if I had something that I could not destroy. Would it bother me? The unfamiliarity of not being able to destroy something.

My instant and instinctual reaction was to say no. Of course not. What a silly notion. Sounds perfect to me. But .. I thought further on it before I responded in such a manner ... would it? Honestly? Would I be thrown off by the lack of control? Would it anger me .. make me uncomfortable not to be able to if I chose to? Which was more important .. being able to preserve something I cared about or being able to control it ... bottom line ... no fluffy warm pillows there ... how would I deal with that kind of loss. Was it better to lose that which I needed and wanted rather than my own control?

Was she psychoanalyzing me or was that a real honest to Sky question that she needed an answer to .. believing she was just such a thing to me? Unable to be destroyed. Beaten .. killed ... sold ... but not destroyed.

Well that last thought was all about control so .. perhaps I ... would I? Could I honestly deal with that kind of loss of control in my life? Was that not the very essence of this darkness I live with? Primordial and basic need to survive and evolve to ensure survival? How did that evolution fit with something I could not control?

Would it save me? Or damn me. I wanted to push her .. I wanted to find out if she was indeed indestructible. I wanted to beat her .. sell her ... put her through a plethora of tortures only I could devise. I wanted to make her experience the greatest pangs of human suffering ... would she still love me? Would she still look at me with all that in her eyes and offer herself to me as she did now? Could I break her human spirit and make her hate me? Make her want to get away from me in an answer to her own survival instinct? Would she preserve herself for me or despite me?

But none of this was really answering my question .. about what I really wanted. About what I really needed here. My thoughts were jumbled and disconnected and I kept walking on paths that took me away from the main vein of thought. So much so I did this all night long .. sitting by the stream. I never noticed the time or the dawn that crept over the horizon. I was lost inside my head somewhere and nothing was going to pull me out of it.

Well .. perhaps one thing.