... But Not Too Tight

I was striding towards the Main Fires when Polunu saluted me and told me I was just the man he was looking for. Did he have any idea how good it was to hear those words from him? There could only be one reason he was looking for me ... he had found the beast.

Things were looking up.

He said indeed .. the task had been difficult but he had set his determination and with the compassion of a certain kaiila breeder he had found all I required.

I was happy.

Yes this was one of those happy moments. Things were going my way for a change. It was going to be all right. I was going to be able to accomplish something. The next step. My failure seemed further away .. and not so important.

I could not wait to see the beast .. he said Cana had asked that I allow her to see the beast from time to time ... that ... might be a problem. For you see .. no man had ever returned with the beast he rode to the top of the mountain before. It just did not happen. And no one usually really cared for what was a half blind kaiila really worth?

But it was not enough to shadow my elation .. not yet. I was too happy ... too relieved just to hear that Polunu had done as I so desperately needed ... he had lured the beast out to reveal himself. Young love ... it was a power that I had to have respect for.

Not that Polunu acted like he was in love .. but whatever it was ... it was powerful enough to get the kaiila to reveal himself and that was all I cared about.

I was happy.

Cana made mention of it .. I told her she had no idea what I had gone through to find the beast. But I just could not seem to accomplish it. She said perhaps the beast did not wish to be found. Well that was obvious for it took Polunu to get him to reveal himself. She showed me the beast and told me she had named him. Named him Ciegue. The first warning bell began to chime in my head. She had given him a name.

She told me he was an exceptional beast. With intelligence. She said I might think her crazy but she had a feeling about him .. about the way she had found him.

ah fuck

It was Cana that had lured him out .. not Polunu.

This was starting to go all bad. Cana had formed an attachment to the beast. Cana spoke of his destiny .. which seemed to be a different destiny than I had in mind for him. So I questioned her feelings .. her thoughts. Not because I thought for a moment that they were not real or that they could not be real .. but because I needed to know exactly what they were to see how they stacked up against my own desire for him. Was I his destiny? or was Cana? I needed to know .. I needed to investigate her reasonings ... her words to see what she meant and how she felt. But she saw my questions as unbelief. She grew very defensive with me. She questioned my belief and I grew offended. I asked her why she questioned me .. the core of who I am and she said I was the one questioning her. But I was not questioning her core beliefs I was asking for explanations so I knew if they were my beliefs also.

I desperately needed to know if this beast was the one I looked for. Or if I had accidentally crossed paths with Cana's destiny. I had a decision to make .. the kaiila was mine. I could do with him as I pleased .. but what did I please? What needed to happen here. I could not tell. I did not know.

I still do not know. All I know is that Cana grew defensive and would not explain her beliefs to me further because she thought I questioned her right to have them. Based on that knowledge alone I knew simply by her defensiveness that she cared more for the beast than I did. I needed him ... but I did not know him. I did not know him in a way to care for him as she did. She knew him ... knew of him to the point she would even defend him to me ... someone that was her friend. Someone she never would need to defend herself against because I would never attack anything that was important to her. And so I decided to give her the beast .. I decided to relinquish my claim on him. I decided to give her what she so desperately wanted and to give the beast a chance to be more than a means to an end.

But I can tell you .. even though I thought I was doing the right thing ... it sure took the wind right out of my sail.

I am a little hurt that she did not believe in me enough to know that I would never question her beliefs. I wish she knew me well enough to know I only wished her to explain them to me. I wish she knew how much I care for her as my friend and how much she means to me. So much I would even risk losing the most important thing to me right now.

I do not know what I am going to do. I do not know how this will turn out for me. I think it will turn out well for Cana and Ceigue. But I have no idea how I am going to get up the mountain now .. I do not know how I am going to reach the Man of Stone and learn the answer to the next step in my quest.

Things are no longer looking up.

I learned today not to hold on too tightly to my dreams.