What Do You Want .. From Me?

"What do you want from me .. T'zuri ... what do you want from me tonight .... now?"

It was a question asked somewhat genuinely and somewhat in desperation. The day had been a cold one .. the night colder. I came in from riding and I had meant to go back out .. not because I hated my wagon ... but out of habit. The herd is an old stable mistress of mine. T'zuri is still new .. holding many things I am unsure of. The fires had been banked and put out for the night. The space empty .. warm glows coming from the wagons.

When I entered my own T'zuri knelt near the fire bowl .. stirring the glow of coals. The oil lamps had not been lit and shadows left my own gaze no more than dark ocular holes. I stripped the gloves from my hands .. cupping them to blow warmth while working the joints.

She helped me work my jacket off my shoulder .. it was enflamed a little and infected. it would not take much more than a good cleaning and some salve to clear it up though .. the cut was thin and not deep. She said she could fix the cut in my jacket. Not sure why that struck me as interesting. I guess there are many things about T'zuri I do not know yet. Odd feeling .. to know things ... personal things ... but not simple things. It jump started my question.

"What do you want from me .. T'zuri ... what do you want from me tonight .... now?"

She said she just wanted to baby me a little .. if that was all right.

I said no.

I suppose that might have taken her back a little before I explained myself. I told her .. that I wanted her to want something from me. Me .. Fonce ... the man .... something beyond me just existing. I just needed to feel like I could .. do ... something. Anything. She did not understand at first .. big surprise ... I am not that great at communicating things.

I told her .. people want things from me .. things that I do or can say by just existing .. as a warrior or as an Ubar. But they do not want or need anything from me as a man. Just me .. Fonce. They have families ... mates ... slaves ... people in their circle of influence that they go to for those things. I do not have anyone. I wanted .. to be wanted for something only I could do. No other man .. just me .. Fonce. Fonce of the Tuchuk.

She said .. "So you want specifics". I had to chuckle. She was busy-bodying around inside the wagon preparing a bowl of water to wash out my shoulder. They were nice sounds .. sounds that filled in the silence and made it so that when I shifted or moved or spoke it did not echo around inside an empty space. She went on then to tell me that she wanted me to come to her when I had a good day .. a bad day .. to find solace in her. This did not impress me much .. this did not touch me or fulfill what I wanted or needed to hear. It was just one more thing I could do to give her the idea she was doing something. I have plenty of people needing me to do something to make them feel like they are doing something. But then she said something else .. something that did touch me. She said she missed me at night .. that she wanted to sleep with me ... next to me. That she wanted more than anything to know what it was like to wake up with me. Now that touched me. She said she wanted me to tell her what happened to my shoulder .. a story ... so she could feel it and see it like she was there.

That was something I could do. That was not something anyone else could do. She needed me for that .. just me. She asked me what I wanted .. tonight. I told her I wanted to be something for someone. Tonight. To be a man. Not an Ubar .. not a Haruspex .. not a Warrior. To make a difference in my life on something that was mine to make an impact on ... as a man.

And in an age old ritual .. we took our places and acted out the roles of man and woman with each other. Primitive and basic. Beautiful in simplicity. She cleaned my wound and fixed my jacket. I told her the tale of my day and I held her close to me in the furs.

I slept in my wagon that night.

That is ... until the dream found me.