The Truth

I had a lot on my mind .. and I just needed some quiet to arrange it all in some kind of order in my head. Thoughts kept scattering like feathers in the wind. The best place I know .. besides the herds at night ... for that sort of introspection .. is the stream. So habitually I was sitting and letting the sound of the water and the wind strolling through the grass lull me into a state of peace.

Leonette found me there. She asked to speak to me and I was willing. she wished to speak of the guardianship subject and I nodded. We spoke of Clan and trading .. independence and the growth of getting there. She said it was good to speak to me of these things .. I told her I was pleased she felt she could ... that after speaking with Cana I was not sure she would be comfortable enough to do so.

She said she was learning to look passed her fears and see many new things. I told her this pleased me as well. It is important. She said she was not sure I would speak to her .. or if I did that I would let anger destroy it. Now I have not shown her my anger in a long ... long time. Since she returned to a camp collar actually. So I am not sure why that fear was there with her .. but I have tried to assure her and will continue to do so .. that anger was something that is no longer a part of me. Not in a way I will ever visit upon her again. My words .. are just words ... but my actions have been backing them up and I know in time she will open her eyes to see that I have been living my word to her.

She said there were things she wished to speak to me of .. but again she needed me to look passed the anger. I told her again .. I have been. She said she wanted me to just listen .. to why she really left. I told her I would do so.

She said .. she did not leave to save the boy. I said all right. I do not know what is true any more .. which words she has said are truth .. which are lies .. which are just things I misunderstood. But I will take what she says and I will listen as I gave my word. She said she could not tell me that at the time .. that I would have thought she was crazy. I told her that was a choice on her part and I could not condone it as the right one. She said yes .. it was a choice and it was hard for her to make .. she then asked me if I wished to know of the dream.

I did not know if I did or not .. I did not know the dream any more because it was different than when she told me the first time .. so I told her I had no idea .. that it would have to be up to her. That I would listen if she wished to speak of it now.

So she told me of it. Of larls .. of Me Too ... of the choice to save the Harigga from a fate that was foretold in her dream. That it meant breaking a promise she had made to me. I told her that her promise to me was not important in the face of what her dreams told her. I told her it sounded as if she did the right thing .. made the right choices to the best of her knowledge and ability.

She said she had not expected to return .. from the larl. That she was foolish to think that when she did .. it would all the be the same. And I have to agree .. that is a foolish notion for when we leave ... it is never the same when we return. I know this ... myself. Very well.

She said she wanted me to understand this .. this much. And I told her that yes .. I understood the words she had given me.

She asked me if I could reach out in my dreams. I told her I never tried .. did not think it was a good idea to do so either. My dreams .. the kind I am aware of enough to reach out in .... are not the kind anyone wants to share with me. That I am convinced of with a fierce assurance.

She said she believed I did .. reach out ... even if I did not know it. I asked her what she meant .. and she spoke of Holo. But .. I said to her ... Holo was not a dream. Holo was ... all too real. She said sometimes she sees me leave. That .. she got the idea if she just believed hard enough she could step in there with me and it scared her.

Well .. I do not know ... I have never heard of it done outside the Clan .. and even then it was within blood ... but ... I do not know everything. Had I been unconsciously splattering dreams around the Harigga? The thought troubled me some. Like I said .. they are not experiences I would visit upon anyone knowingly. In all my arrogance .. I am keenly aware that death is a heartbeat away .. and carelessness is a recipe for disaster ... I wear the mark of it.

She said I had seemed happy lately.. I had? That was weird. I was far from it .. but if I was giving people that impression that was a good thing. That meant I was doing something right anyway. She asked me what was wrong and I told her it was frustrations with people .. nothing new for me. She said she was quite aware of how my anger builds .. I reminded her she had not been subjected to it in a long ... long time.

Now no man likes to be reminded over and over of his less than fine moments. But they are mine and I will shoulder them as best as I can and take responsibility for the natural consequences of it. I am pleased that she felt comfortable enough with me to tell me the truth finally. The more she is willing to talk to me the more I can show her that I will not ever allow that part of me to touch her again. I have given my word.