Someone

It was soon after that I took T'zuri to the fires for the first time. Now T'zuri is still not trained .. or ready to serve people. Not that I have any intention of letting her since not one man at the first fires has his personal slave serve others. So why should I do without my slave when no one else does? I have decided that is the way it should be and I have been foolish in the past to put my own comfort last.

Anyway .. when I dumped my slave off on my furs I got the distinct feeling I or she or both of us were not welcome. That we had interrupted something. When the subject changes drastically just because you got there .. it tends to lend to paranoia.

Tarra had her son there and instantly grew very protective of him. I assured her I would do nothing to the boy. Surely she knew not one of the slaves would ever touch her child without her permission.. I would kill them for that. So I figured she had to have been worried about me. She kind of flipped out on me for that .. like I was crazy. I am not. I just would never have assumed she would be worried of a slave. Especially one I am in control over. Like I said .. it would earn them a death sentence faster than anything else I can think of at the moment. Not second chance .. no learning ... just dead.

It is rare that I feel that uncomfortable at my own fires .. but this night I did. I was going to take T'zuri and leave but Tarra stood up and verbally bitch slapped me for feeling the way I did. Now I did not appreciate the words or the way she spoke to me about it .. but I did appreciate the thought behind it. She noticed. And she went out of her way to try to make me understand she did. Now I had a choice .. I could either take her method personally or instead grasp the intent. I chose the intent and I stayed.

But I am not impressed with how people look at T'zuri. And honestly they can feel any damn way the want to about me and her and I will never punish them for their opinions. But I can tell you something ... they will not ever get close to me until they respect what is mine.

Oddly enough Tarra caught me a couple of nights later. We spoke of Isu and some Clan things .. some ideas she had for Isu to do for the next move and I liked them and agreed they were good ideas.

Then she told me it seemed like some things had gotten under my skin lately. Some things on my mind ... I was caught on that thought for a moment. There was a long ... long list .... which did she want to know about? She could not say .. only that I seemed off. She mentioned that sometimes she felt she confused people. I told her I did the same thing and I knew sometimes her and I did not get along and I was sure that was part of the reason why.

She seemed confused by that statement so I reiterated it .. we do not always get along .. yes? And she said we did not always agree. Well ... that was watering it down some I thought but I said that it was probably due to how we both communicated.

She said she was aware that we did miscommunicate sometimes but that surprised her because of who and what we were. I told her I found that my powers never .. ever helped me with my relationships. I wish.

She said that we seemed to communicate well with others. Now this I did not fully agree on at least with myself but I knew what she meant. She wondered what kept us from getting across to each other and I told her it was probably just how we thought .. very differently. Our opinions and ways of doing things were really that different. It was understandable that we would clash sometimes.

She said she thought we could do better at it .. that though I piss her off sometimes she would never fail to listen to me. I wanted to say that her getting so pissed off is what keeps me from talking to her in the first place but instead I asked her what she suggested then? And she said that we learn of each other .. that is how she learned how to communicate with someone ... knowing why they did things and what they were thinking when they did. I said .. is that not what we are doing now? It is something I have always offered to her .. that knowledge should she seek it out and not shut me out.

She said no .. that usually on a daily basis we just talk. And I disagreed. I told her anyone who paid the least bit of attention could learn a million things about me at the fires. I did about her .. every day whether she was there or not. I learned from other people what impacts she had on them. Who she was to them .. how they spoke of her and thought of her. Taking into consideration it was one sided of course .. but you can still learn a lot about someone from their friends and enemies. It is the same with me. With everyone.

I asked her .. what I did that upset her the worst. Seemed to me a good place to start. She said she hated the cold shoulder. When I clam up and get apathetic and she did not know how to get passed it because it reminded her of her when she did it. HA. Good .. really good. I gained a lot of respect for her in that moment of her opening herself up and being honest with me. That took guts to say.

I asked her how she wanted it to be handled when it was her .. that had grown cold and distant. She said it was sometimes about someone just taking the time to care and to listen ... and other times she just needed space to work through it.

I told her it was much the same way with me. But I had never turned anyone away that wanted to listen .. really listen to me. She said sometimes it was hard to know if someone really wanted to listen. Or if they were prepared to hear.

I told her .. if you are the one listening it does not matter if they are ready to listen to you ... unless you intend to lecture them on what they are saying and in that case then yes ... it would be a concern.

She said she tried not to lecture people. I told her I would understand if she did because to me it seemed an easy thing to fall into as a mother. She said that is not how she treated her children ... she tried to be something different with them and I told her that they were fortunate.

Then I told her that I had no mother. I am fiercely independent to the point of near obsession. That I had no family .. so those that are close to me are treated with passionate protection. When someone cares for me .. I get very possessive of that and I do not like people to say negative things about that person. I take it personally. Now I have never punished people for their mouths .. their negative bile filled tongues ... BUT

I do know. I do hear it. I do remember it. I do hold it against them when it comes to offering them something personal of me. I will never offer myself .. me personally ... to those people. Ever. And that is my right. I will be a warrior .. I will be the Ubar and I will be fair and I will never hold it against them with my position. But as a man .. as Fonce ... I will never forgive them. As long as they continue to bad mouth what cares for me .. what I care about ... what I value whether it be ethics or people .. they will never taste me as Fonce. As a man. My person. I will never throw who I am to them to trample on and spit on.

I am a proud Tuchuk man. To belittle or run down something that I care about offends my pride. And I do not have to be friends with someone who offends my pride. That is my right.

Now Tarra told me that those I care so much about are very fortunate. She said there is nothing greater than that type of love that allows for such strength and caring. She told me she could not respect me as a man if I was not true to who I am. She told me that those that hurt someone she cared for brought out a dark bitch in her with claws and fangs ready for blood and she did not forgive easily.

Good.

She understood.

I decided to give her an example. One of many that people had been tromping all over lately. I told her there was a woman that had done something for me that as yet no other woman had done. And between her and I? I would suffer no ill word towards her. Simply because of what she had given to me .. I protect what is mine. And she .. was all mine. I told her I have a lot to give my Tribe Family .. my friends ... and those people who were tolerant of me and my values were going to get a lot more from me personally than those who judged me for her or through her. I would be their Ubar .. but they will get nothing of my friendship.

She said .. T'zuri had done something that very few women could do .. I gave her a "no shit" nod. I was well aware of that. She said she would not nor could not judge T'zuri because of her own life. And she shared some of that with me and I asked a million questions.

In the end her advice to me was to embrace it ... T'zuri's slavery. To stop digging in my heels. But some of the things she told me of ... make me wonder if I have made a huge mistake. I so need to speak to T'zuri. I need to speak to her in the worst way right now .. I am all ... bugging out of my skin with it. Itching.

She told me to do with T'zuri what I felt was right .. to be myself and that was enough. She said that people would talk and bitch but they were merely jealous. I reiterated again .. that I did not begrudge people their opinions. But fact remained I did not feel all warm and fuzzy towards those who tore down what I cared about. I am just too protective.

She said it was their loss if they did for I had much to offer .. and yes .. I do. To those who also protect what I want to protect. To those who stand on my side and offer me a hand. Who are my friends and not back stabbing little piss ants. Weird.

She said she was glad that I had someone who had jump started these feelings in me .. but that if T'zuri hurt me she would strip her flesh from her bones. Now that made me chuckle .. but I told Tarra ... honestly .... T'zuri can do nothing to me that has not all ready been done. She can not make me worse than I am. She will either leave me as I am .. or help make me a better man. One of the two. It can not go down from here .. only up. And so far? I was better.

As I leaned up off the wheel I was lounging against I said something to Tarra that had just occurred to me and I found most interesting and odd ..

I told Tarra .. this odd thing ... that being with T'zuri .. having her in my life ... had actually taught me to be more tolerant of those that spoke against her. How fucking weird is that?