She Ruined .. Everything

I do not want it to be about what I said or say .. I want it to be about what I want. I do not want to be responsible for what I say .. it is still about getting what I want.

la la la

Now if I only knew what I wanted.

la la la

It was like I was two .. all over again.

But I did not kiss her like I was two.

What was I to do with it? All of it. Raging inside of me like a plains storm .. busting out of all my cells until I felt like my skin would burn away. How do you want something .. pull it close ... and still avoid it at the same time?

I was making a pretty mean stab at doing just that.

And kissing her did not help. I thought it would .. but it did not. I thought it would be a good distraction .. but all it did was stoke the fire and fan the flames.

Then she started pounding on my chest with her fists .. screaming at me to let her in. Let her inside me. I asked if she did not know? what it would mean? I would fuck her every time I saw her.

Threats .. especially sexual ones ... are much easier than talking about anything I really do not want to talk about.

la la la

She asked me what else then .. would I talk to her? Would I rage at her in my anger? Laugh with her when she touched me? Would I be there with her? I told her I did not want to lose her ... she screamed at me that I never would. Never could. That she loved me. Loved ... me.

It was agonizing to me. I felt drawn and quartered. It all started to fade a little. Too bright. Like the Central Fire just exploded behind my eyes. I told her .. against her hair ... I did not know how to love her. I could hear her talking .. something about that I did .. really know how. That she saw it in my eyes and in the way I looked at her. I do not remember exactly what it was .. like I said things had gotten kind of white and hot inside my skull.

I stood up and I threw her away from me back onto the bed of amber. I stood there .. legs apart as if I tried to get my balance on shifting sand .. shoving fingers back through my hair in an habitual gesture of frustration. My muscles felt weak and sick.

I held my head .. for surely it would crack and spill everything on the ground between us .. the intense pressure was nearly too much for me. And then she touched me .. she must have crawled to me ... her touch peeled back any fear I had she would leave and allowed the bile to spill from behind my lips where it had been kept in check by that very fear.

Why could she not be free .. and all right.

Why could she not have just been like every other free woman .. given me children ... just be all right

Everything would have continued on the same ... all right

Nothing would change .. everything would be .. all right

Not like this. This was too much.

la la la

She tried to reach me .. telling me it was all right .. she was all right ... with me. I said no .. no she was not. I did not know what to do with her. She said I did not have to ... and I grabbed her shoulders and I shook her like she was nothing more than a rag doll.

I yelled at her .. that I was stuck here in the in between and I did not have answers. That I did not know which way to shove her ... where to put her and it was worse .. not better.

She was still trying to reach me .. asking me what was worse.

I was two .. still ... and I said .. her .. me ... everything.

Then in her quiet way she asked me if I could be more specific .. and my shoulders slumped and I chuckled low and deep inside my chest somewhere and I replied .. no.

Then she started singing it to me .. like Oren. Told me how it was .. you know ... with her little finger poking at my chest in the most darling way and all that anger and frustration flipped a bitch and turned into humor.

nag nag "I love you" nag nag "and you are going to have to suck it up" nag nag "and deal with it" nag nag nag "one way or the other Mr. Tuchuk" nag nag

"make me"

I know .. but you had to see her there .. all fluffed up like a wet angry plains vulo pointing that slender feminine digit at me in the cutest threat I have ever been threatened with. You would have laughed too. All the drama just .. faded away. The darkness and unanswered questions just slimed their way back under their rocks and into the swamps and left a cool wash of humor over the heated emotions between us .. left us in a drunk kind of stupor .. sniggering at each other.

I hefted her over my shoulder and hauled her off to the fires .. both of us needed water before we started in on each other again.