T'z-boots

"Are you always so happy to see me?"

The question slipped out this morning as I approached my own fires. Seeing her there working on what looked like a fishing pole. She glanced up and when her eyes fell on me they lit up .. she bounced ... running to me. She never fails ... to be happy to see me. To make sure I know .. how happy she is to see me. It is an amazing feeling to know that. To have someone light up like that just by showing up. Not doing a damn thing .. just ... being there.

To trust in me that I am as pleased to see her .. because she knows she has done nothing to displease me. That if she had I would have told her. There is no pressure .. insecurity between us. Aside from all the unknowns and shadowy places that exist around us .. all those indecisive things that lurk just around the corner. But she makes a bright place right in the middle of it so that .. none of the shadows make a difference. Not right at that moment. I know .. she is all right. I know there is nothing I have to do right then to fix her .. to make her happy .... she all ready is. And I can partake of it .. feast on it ... drink it like a heady wine without having to press the grapes.

I think that is the key .. really. This offering. This moment. It takes all the pressure off my shoulders. I want to know why she is so happy. Even though she makes me feel like it is all because of me .. I still want to know. Probably because she makes me feel like it is all about me. Selfish prick I am. She pulls the happy out of me. From wherever it is that I store it and lock it away. Like Cana does .. only with T'zuri it comes with benefits. The naked kind of benefits. And though there are things that I can talk about with Cana that I can not with T'zuri .. because Cana is my friend and not my slave .... T'zuri lets me own her happiness. Like it is all mine. Like I could put it in a chest and keep it forever and no one can have it because it is mine mine mine. Which is all very immature and childish .. but it is a nice feeling. A comfortable feeling. I have never owned anyone's happiness before. It is a new concept ... and if I did .... someone forgot to let me know.

Sometimes trying to figure out what a woman wants from me ... puts this giant clamp on my brain. Slowly it tightens with every moment she is near .. like the worst headache ... until I just go numb. Conversations never leave the ... "Tal how are you I am fine the weather is interesting the grass is growing the bosk are fat and the grease is greasy". Not that I am some great conversationalist anyway ... but sometimes ... when a woman is just comfortable near me and makes me feel that way myself .... I actually can think of things to say and it comes out mostly right. Which of course makes me feel like I am accomplishing something which leads to other bright ideas and I am moving along like a wagon behind a fresh team.

And after all this I had to say .. it is nothing that I meant to say ... but oddly enough it adds up to the same thing. This is all starting to work for me. When I grabbed up this happy bubbling thing in my arms and took her to the steps of my wagon I had one thing in mind .. one thing only. And it had nothing to do with good conversation. Which surprised me so much I put the brakes on and brought that wagon to a screeching halt tearing up grass and bits of sod all over the place. Flipped her over and fell back into good conversation.

I need to think about all this .. a little more.

What exactly does that mean?