As Leonette left the stream she said something to me that was odd .. she told me to dream well. Dream well. Right. I snorted. Blue asked me then if I did not dream well? And I told blue that my dreams were not the dreams of most men. So the answer was no .. that I did not.
She asked me what I did dream and I replied that I dreamed a war. So she asked who the war was with and I answered that it was not important .. at least to a slave. She needed only to know that my dreams were not the dreams of sleeping men.
She asked me then if I was winning .. and I told her that no I was not .. but that I had not lost either. Very important.
She asked me if there was anything she could do to help me win this war. I replied that there was nothing she could do as a slave.
She said no .. as her.
I asked her then if she was indeed a slave? And she replied yes she was. Then she asked me what the war was over. And I asked her if she wanted me to win the war? And she said yes .. very much so. And I then told her to stop endangering me then by asking me to explain it to a slave. A slave to the whims of the free .. some of whom did not wish me to win.
She said she would never reveal my words to anyone and I reminded her that she was a slave and she would do as she was told. So she asked me if my word did not come first? And I replied that indeed it did .. for now. For as long as I was her master .. but should the time come when I was not? What then? Then it would be her master's word that came first .. not mine. That her loyalty changed with her collar .. which was no loyalty at all. But was indeed the lot of a slave.
She said .. not always. So I told her to explain. She then said a very curious thing to me. She said that if I told her not to say something she would never say anything no matter who her master was. And so I had to ask her .. was she loyal then to something other than her collar? She said yes .. she was loyal to me.
Now this brought up a lot of questions for me. A lot of thought process. I had assumed blue was loyal to her collar. As most slaves are. They are taught that on point of pain and death. So here was blue speaking of having a higher loyalty. A higher point of ideal than just the collar and I wished to explore it a little. Push the thought to see how well she knew of what she spoke. It is a dangerous thing for a slave to get ideals. Even more dangerous if they think they have ideals and they do not.
So I asked blue the most basic of relationship questions. The foundation of where all of these start .. friendship. I asked blue if she had friends .. friends among her peers. Slaves. She said there were slaves that she liked. At this point I got annoyed and told her to attempt to answer my questions the first time .. otherwise I got irritable and might cut the conversation short.
So she told me there were no slaves that she would call friend because she could not offer them loyalty. She would betray them when commanded to by a free person. She said friendship meant something to her that she did not feel she could honor as a slave.
So I told her I did not trust her then.
She asked me why.
I told her because she offered me nothing.
She said she offered me loyalty.
How could she offer me loyalty when she was neither loyal to her collar nor was she loyal to any higher ideal?
She said she did not understand. So I said she was not loyal to her collar .. because she had told me she would betray her collar for me. Meaning she would betray it for whatever she felt was important enough at the time. And she was not loyal to a higher ideal .. even such a simple ideal as friendship. So what did I have to trust in? I told her that to me it appeared as if her loyalty was convenient.
She decided to argue with me then .. she told me it was not. I told her it was indeed. She asked me if I would allow her to explain. I told her I had heard enough. That either I was right .. or she had suddenly changed her mind about one or the other. That was the only way I would be wrong. She said she misspoke. I told her she might have been wrong but she did not misspeak so she would have to deal with the fact I did not believe in her loyalty.
She said she hoped to change that. I told her she would not .. unless she learned something new. She said she learned something new every day .. I told her there was hope then.
Since I said something nice I suppose she decided it was time to defend herself and argue again. Perhaps because she thought I would accept it better at this point. She told me .. once more ... she did misspeak.
...
I told her of course she did. I suppose she did not catch the dryness of my statement because she went on.
She told me she would not be disloyal to me.
I said of course she would not.
She asked me why it was so hard to speak to me .. now by this time I have waxed obnoxious. Polished by her inability to have a conversation without defensive posturing and need to teach me that I am constantly wrong about her .. her inability to actually listen to a word I say. Hearing only the negative ... hearing only that I am cruel and harsh. Feeling only wounded when I speak. I asked her why in the hell she even wanted to talk to me at all? Why? Did she need to argue so much? Did it somehow give her an identity to constantly disagree with me? And if called on it ... she becomes passive? Is that all she has? Is there no more?
Fuck
At some point you have to realize that you are incapable of communicating with a certain person and you have to make it stop. You have to end it. I started to end it .. but she begged me to continue. So I told her to prove she had more to offer. She said she would. I said no .. do it now. Right now .. or do not approach me again. So she said ..
"I proved to you I was disloyal because I said I would betray my collar for you. I proved to you further that I was untrustworthy because I said I would betray another slave if I was commanded to. Instead of realizing you were pointing out my flaw in how I saw things....and correcting my vision and myself to better align with how I felt. So I can communicate it better, I chose instead to try to press my point upon you to make you see it my way, Master. And instead of worrying over how I made you feel mocked yesterday.....I should have been more focused instead on how to not make you feel that way in the future, instead of trying to make you understand the past."
Why was she constantly assuming I did not understand? Because I was harsh? Because I had no patience for it? So I told her she must think I was stupid.
She defended herself again by saying she believed she misspoke.
I told her .. that was not the case ... she was simply wrong.
She said ... "I am so worried about how you will see me and what you will think and how to please you Master and how to do something, anything right....that I second guess myself into oblivion."
And I agreed. She did so until she was nothing. With nothing. And I do not trust the nothing.
I told her I had more trust in those that spoke out against me. At least I knew where they stood. What they believed in .. even if it was not me. But her? She kept trying to please what she thought and not what she knew because she did not know a damn thing.
She said she wanted to know.
I told her then listen.
I was not happy with her. I was not pleased with her. She had proven to me once more that she would not listen to me .. she would not stop long enough to understand that her hurt and pain was from herself .. not me. That I was not the one wounding her .. she was doing it to herself and she once again shut down in the face of someone telling her she was not thinking everything through. All her defenses came up and she desperately needed to prove me wrong .. despite what that might do to our relationship. Despite what that might do to my desire to have her at my feet .. to find pleasure in her company.
She said she was sorry .. I told her sorry was for losers. I was angry now .. my temper was lost and I was not being nice and wise and patient with her. I told her to try to be something different from sorry all the time. She said she would be .. I told her I grew numb to those words. I no longer have the belief in them.
I am a man .. I can be wrong and I am wrong on many occasions and on a regular basis. But I am not wrong about everything. And a man does get tired of talking to a person that constantly projects their own fears onto him ... making him into the bad man. Making him into the cruel harsh man. At some point he wants to succeed at a relationship. At some point he wants to be able to teach his view to another and share it. Not constantly be told his view is incorrect .. mistaken ... unclear. At some point he grows tired of talking to that person. Not because he can not be wrong .. but because with that person he always will be. And he will seek out someone who allows him to be right sometimes .. allows him to be real. Real is right and wrong ... real is a balance of both with the ability to learn of another person. I am not stupid. I know what she is trying to say and I am merely pointing out her logic can not stand on its own. Not in the face of mine. She will either have to step up her logic or admit that she is wrong. Not that she misspeaks .. but that she is indeed wrong.
I said a very cruel thing to blue. I told her I did not want to learn of her view. That I did not like her view. Her view sucks. Now I was too angry to explain that then. Perhaps if she wants me to I will. But what blue needs to understand is that the view I speak of is her constant fear. Her constant competition with everything around her including me. If it is so damn important for her to win all the time she needs to talk to a different man. She needs to find her place at another man's feet. Not mine. I have too much pride and arrogance for it. I will never be conquered by fear. Not mine .. not hers. I told her she could have her view if she wanted it so bad .. but to stop cramming it down my throat. I did not intend to swallow.
Then she said something stupid. Stupidity really makes me angry. She said she would happily swallow my view if I wanted her to. and I called her on that .. not once had she accepted my view without trying to change it. Not once. Not once had she not thrown it back in my face and expected me to just eat that plate of shit like it was the best meal I had ever been served.
Too angry to continue I told her if she learned what her view on loyalty was she was more than welcome to share it with me and I would decide if it made more sense to me. And then I walked away from her.
When I woke it was cold. A shiver went through me and I pulled at my extremities hoping to bring them close to my body. I was wet .. slick congealed something ... covered in it. Felt like blood .. was it mine? Or had the man of stone been something more? How many times had I been bathed in blood .. mine and others. It was not the blood that phased me .. it was the darkness .. the cold. The lost feeling.
