Forbidden Fruit

Silken had left a word for me. A couple of them in fact. A couple of words that I felt should be addressed and so I took that haunch of meat I had cut for her and her family to Shi and her wagons .. she was not there so I went to the Healer's fires. It was there I found her .. or a shell of her. She did not look even as good as when I first returned. I can not begin to imagine the journeys and paths she is having to walk inside her right now. Well I suppose they are no different than all of us .. but she seems destined to walk a harder road than most. At least at the moment.

We spoke of many things. Silken has always been a friend though I do not know her well. We have not always agreed on things and when Silken disagrees she disagrees with thunder and lightning and fire. Passionate indeed. But I do feel she always listened when I could actually corner her long enough to explain myself and why I did things the way I did. It is something I always valued in her .. not only her passion but her willingness to at least listen even when she was mad enough at me to chew through an axle. And with Silken you usually know where you stand with her. She does not pretend to like people like some .. she is rather obvious which gets her in a lot of trouble because like all of us we like people sometimes and sometimes we are angry with them. She just has no ability to hold her tongue about it. Makes her one of the people I trust. Not because I think she will always be there for me .. but by the Sky if she is not I sure will know about it and see her coming. There are some I can not say that about.

She told me she had once had feelings for me. Back in the day. It surprised me some. When I came to the First Wagons Silken was mated to Jerus. I never saw her much and I know she did not think much of me back then. I got to know her a little more when I was Ubar. I got to see some of her opinions as they blossomed in her temper. She has red hair for a reason. I helped with her separation from Shi and watched her growing close to ... I can not remember his name at the moment. A sign of my age I suppose. Anyway my point was that Silken was always someone that was with someone else. I have always admired her fire .. her passion ... even her sexuality. But I have never looked at Silken in any kind of personal way .. involving me. Not only because most of the time Silken did not like me .. but because she was always forbidden fruit. Something that belonged to someone else.

She still is.

And though I will admire her for her honesty when it comes to how she feels about people .. and I will appreciate her as an attractive passionate woman ... I refuse to think about her as anything other than Shi's mate. His woman .. his possession. Whether or not he possesses is none of my business other than as an ear to a friend. Right now Silken needs my friendship and that is exactly what I have to offer her.

A Gift

Well .. that was my intent anyway. Instead I was waylaid by Pacu who was butchering a bosk. I stopped to help and took a couple of haunches. One for Silken and one for the main fires. As we worked Pacu and I got a chance to talk more. Renewing our friendship like brothers. It was almost like old times. Two Tuchuk in the cold morning bathed in bosk blood cutting the meat up for family and friends. There is nothing better.

When I got back by my wagon I saw that Yamka .. the prospect to the First Wagons ... seems to have mentioned me to her family for a gift of stew.. bread ... milk and honey candy was left for me. I was pleased. It had a way of making me feel more .. normal.

People have changed much. Not in a way that I would say was bad .. or good. Just the natural changes we all go through only I was not here to go through them with everyone so it is more stark and .. bigger .... to me.

Some are changes that attract me to that person. Others are changes that seem to create distance. There is more than one person who has not forgiven me for being away. I understand that and do not blame them for their feelings. I would probably feel much the same way if it were I in their place.

I have renewed some friendships .. lost some ... look forward to finding new ones. I am learning the dynamics of the new ways around the First Fires. Most all of it I am pleased with .. personal opinion. We all have them. Some of course I disagree with but will support Ba'atar as I expected people to support me. I ask .. of course ... because it is my way. The Inquisitor himself I suppose. Always asking .. always mapping human behavior to better navigate my place on the plains.

If there is one person that .. if asked ... I must say has changed the most it would be Cana. Now do not get me wrong ... she is still the same Cana who I can honestly say was my best friend among those at the fires. Her motherly instincts .. her quiet calming wisdom. But since I have been gone I must notice that she has blossomed. I do not know if it is the boys .. she has four now. Or if it is the position she has taken as Ubara. Whatever has done it I am more pleased than I can say to see her grown into such a woman. I can not say I am surprised or that I would not have predicted such a thing .. Spex aside. For I have seen her work tirelessly at any task life has given her. But the actuality of seeing it and experiencing it is an honor.

A Morning

I am going to take a slave.

Ha

How many times has that statement echoed around inside my skull like an oft repeated chant boding ill winds. But the statement itself was enough to bring a peaceful blanket to my thought process during sleep.

Waking many ahn before the Central Fire was due to slip over the horizon I decided that riding the herd at night was another chance to gain a bit of solace. One of my favored times to ride. Plenty of time for my mind to explore itself. And I had some serious exploring to do.

The night was cold. The grass stiff beneath Rocca's paws. It is probably no more cold than in years passed but I was feeling it down to my bones. I have not felt cold like that since I was a boy. Not much between my bones and the air I suppose. Huffing into my hands occasionally and beating my arms against my shoulders. The lazy bosk blew white puffs of air from their nostrils and only once in a while wondered what was wrong with me. I sang to them as I used to. It felt good .. the songs seemed to slip from my memory as if I had sung them all yesterday. Disturbing for its simplicity but comforting in its familiarity.

But it was too cold to think. Each breath sending sharp icicles up through my nostrils into my brain. Like little silver needles into soft flesh. Little silver needles designed to interrupt the easy flow of messages through nerves. The effect was much the same .. my thoughts scattered and bounced around inside my skull. Like echoes.

There I came full circle.

I would never let on how pleased I was when I finally could take a moment near the outrider's fires to thaw my extremities. Feeling the stinging tingle in my fingers and toes as I crouched near the coals and turned my features into the quilted pad of my shoulder to wipe the moisture from my nose.

I am not a drinking man .. as most well know. But I did not refuse the paga bota as it was passed around. Now that .. was good. All the way inside kind of good. Warmth starting in the stomach and radiating out.

When the Central Fire finally broke free of the darkness and edged gleaming fingers up into the Sky to claw a bloody morning trail towards its apex I swung into the saddle once more and rode towards the Haruspex fires. It was time to see what had become of Aunt and check in with my Clan.

Attempt to Fill the Hole?

Perhaps it was because I had to serve myself. But I have done that many times even when there were ten dozen slaves to serve me. My independence has always been sacred to me.

Perhaps it was the blackwine rush. The high that had my blood humming through my veins and little lights in my head flashing like summer bugs beneath the full moons.

Perhaps it was the dusty empty interior of my wagon. The cold lonely feel it has when I climb the steps at night and I know no one has entered the flap. Nothing is disturbed. No little prints on the polished wood. No feminine scent lingering in the air.

Perhaps it was the late night visitor. The empty air my fist closed around when I woke. The tease of touch on skin. I have never been one to be teased. There are a few women that could tell you that .. if they were still around to do so.

Perhaps it is just the empty hole left inside of me. A couple of days ago I had the most beautiful energetic precocious jit monkey of a female filling me up with ideas and dreams and thoughts and emotions and even though I did not always deal with them in the most mature and wise fashion .. I miss ... her.

Only it was not just a couple of days. It was a long .. long lonely time ago.

Perhaps it really is just to fill that empty hole in me. If so I suppose it is doomed to failure and even I know that. I am smart enough not to tie myself into a mate that I do not love nor care for and .. honestly I would not do that to any woman I had respect for which is most women in the Tribe. I know that a slave can not and will not fill this black hole in me. I know it like I know the bosk and the grass and the Sky. I do not need a wise old Tuchuk to warn me of the redundantly inescapable knowledge that all attempts to fill that hole will result in more pain.

But for some reason ... I intend to do just that.

Blackwine ... Rush

People .. amuse me.

When they are not irritating the piss out of me .. that is.

Sounds comfortingly familiar.

This morning after I rode with the herd I returned to the main fires and I drank my first cup of blackwine since my return. That familiar rush .. only more so. Flushing of blood racing just under my skin. Warming ... lifting. Clashing with the wind cooled flesh of my cheeks. The leather chafed skin of my hands.

I have missed that. I have missed that a lot.

But .. there is one thing that is clear to me. I am now alone. There was a time I could not find two moments alone unless I cleverly and creatively dodged Kam's guard. Now .. there are great stretches of time alone punctuated with brief moments where people break away from their burdens of living and scratching for their place with the Tribe to talk to me. But their talk to me no longer is driven by what they need/want/desire. They talk to me briefly in passing as they do their neighbors or acquaintances. Yes I think that is it .. I think that captures what I am trying to say. I am now an acquaintance. It is odd and strangely relaxing at the same time. There are no demands on my time other than those of any other Tuchuk. It feels .. good.

Except for one thing.

I have decided I am going to take a slave.

Good Touch .. Bad Touch

It happened again.

Waking with touch still lingering on my skin. All my skin. And I do mean all.

huh

Now I am used to dreams that leave their marks on me. But there was no dream. Just the marks. I have a sneaking suspicion that this had nothing to do with dreams. That thought was not dissuaded by the symbol on my palm.

So Yaz was returned to my wagon steps .. taken by Pacu when they moved their wagons away from the First Fires. That should stop any late night visits while I am still sleeping like the dead.

Not that the touch was not good. But I think what I may do with that touch could be very .. very .... bad.

Dinner .. And a Show

I ate tonight at Ba'atar's fires. Since he mated Cana I was assured of good food.. very good food. Ba'atar bet me that he could eat more bosk than I could. The ludicrous nature of that bet made it amusing for all concerned. Lately I am the sideshow it seems.

He questioned me yet again on what I could remember. I had to confess one more time that there was nothing more I could tell him. He wanted to know if I knew why he kept asking .. of course I did. I would have done the same thing in his place when I was Ubar. Anything that effects the safety of my people .. whether individually or as a whole ... was something I wanted to know everything about. All I could give him though was that I would tell him anything that I learned that effected this Tribe as soon as I learned it.

I will be relieved when people stop asking me .. not because I do not wish to tell them ... but simply because I can not.

Jai and his mate joined us. Jai I know ... his mate was someone I had not met before. I do not know much about her.

All in all it was a pleasant visit. Ba'atar told me of a young bull who had escaped him as of yet .. and if I could actually get a rope on him and brand him he was mine. Now I do not need a new bosk any more than every Tuchuk can use a new bosk ... but this was more than a gift of a bosk .. this was something to test my strength against ... a challenge .. something to work for. A goal if you will to measure my recovery. I was pleased.

Something else came out of dinner this evening. In talk .. things ... things came up that evoked responses from me I am not sure what to do with or how to understand. Death .. bloodshed ... the art of war and torture is nothing new to me of course. But it is not something I make a part of my every day conversation. I usually find that those that do it the most talk about it the least. And in regards to dwellers I have never had a lot of emotion. They meant nothing to me. Nothing more than the animals who burrow and dwell within the earth.

However .. I have found things slipping from my mouth that are much more emotional about both than I ever remember feeling before. I hear myself talking but ... it does not seem like me. I must think about this .. I must introspect. I must understand before I see action following words with no understanding inbetween.

of mud and rain ..of deserts and beetles

I have been questioned a lot about the time I was gone. Unfortunately I do not have the answers. The dream .. was not enough. Not for three years. I know I was somewhere .. I do not know where. I even went to one of the Year Keepers .. because it was hard for me to believe I had been gone so long. But they only confirmed that everyone was right. Everyone but me. I do not know how to cope with looking at three years of pegs and in my head .. there is no room for it. No space to put it all. To me the space is small. A few days at most. Not a few years. Like cramming the contents of an entire wagon into one small chest.

Every time I try to think about it .. hash it all out and throw it down and brand it I just get more and more confused and frustrated. It is times when I am not thinking about it that things begin to slip through.

I have decided to call the place .. this place I can not remember. The desert. Not because I have any clue of what it actually is but more .. because I do not. The desert to me is place of nothing .. great expanses of sand ... very little else. And yet .. when you look closer you find the life that lives even there. Yes .. I think it is a good thing to call it.

Today I learned that of all the things I brought out of the desert with me .. my temper seems to be intact.

Figures.

I was speaking with the prospect to the First Wagons .. Noelani. Tricks .. slight of hand .. these things are like breathing to me and come easy. The beetle was a little different ... a little more thought and intent went into him. In a way it soothed my soul some to see him crawling around exploring the expanse of her skirt. We spoke of rain .. of soil ... of mud. We spoke of osts and women. She told me the "now" was more important than the past. I told her the past gave us the tools to problem solve the future. And my future needs a little problem solving. It is easy to speak of what you are willing to lose when you do not have so much to begin with. Now truth be told... I am not that much older than these girls .. in years. But I have a lot ... I had a lot. I want my life back. I feel like it has been taken away. And I probably do not mean the parts of my life you think I do. I at least want to know why. Why it was taken away from me.

Then she said something to me .. she asked me if I had truly asked why. That if I asked it .. honestly ... I might get an answer.

That is when my temper flared. It did not explode but it leaked a little and the ripple of it turned the brilliant green beetle to dust. I know what the answer is to that question. I do know why.

I felt bad .. a little guilty ... but it also felt good. Felt ... right. Felt like everything else in my life right now. A little gone.. a little bit dead. She stared at me for a long time .. not angry ... but she expected me to fix it. I wanted to fix it .. but what I said out loud was ..

... there are some things that can not be fixed.

yes .. of all the things I could have left behind in the desert ... my temper is certainly still with me.

old familiar friend

Solace. How many times have I gone to the steam looking for solace?

How many times have I gone to the stream looking for solace and not found it?

Ha

Today seems to be a day when my body decided to take over despite my best efforts to pay attention to those who gathered at the stream. Finding solace for me.

Many came and went and yet I kept dozing off. Catching my head nodding. Startled by my own deep even breathing. Sleeping is not something I do well .. especially sleeping in any kind of public venue. Today .. I shattered all my rules about that. Not intentionally .. mind you.

Even Ayg .. damn I forgot all ready. Even the big warrior brother of Ba'atar's warned me about sleeping around women. A thing I knew well indeed .. however the knowledge did not seem to stop the inevitable nodding off I kept doing.

I am ashamed of myself .. there was a time I took great pride in being able to speak to many people at once .. aware of each and every person around me. Today I am sure I left many wondering if I was even conscious. I suppose it was obvious that I was not .. but ... I will be more careful in the future.

I spoke to two prospects today. Two young girls doing their washing at the stream and taking the usual good natured .. or not ... ribbing from the First Wagons. Now I have noticed that no one uses names around prospects. Not just prospects to the Tribe but Tuchuk seeking their place at the First Wagons. This is not my way .. but I respect the changing customs and I will not use their names around the prospects. This I believe was more of a custom before I was Ubar and times have a way of returning and moving just as people do. Anyway .. as I said ... this is not my custom. Since my name is mine to use or not use as I see fit I gave the two Tuchuk girls my name. I fought hard and a lot of blood was shed in the earning of my name. My blood and other's. I am proud of it .. and I share it when I feel like sharing it.

Yamka .. a Leather Worker. Young from the outer wagons. She spoke well to me .. she spoke of her father and her mother and from her speech I am convinced they are proud strong Tuchuk who have raised her in the ways of respect. Initially I am pleased. Time will tell as always and honestly I am no longer the one she has to impress. But first impressions have left me with enough motivation that I will keep my eye on her out of interest in how she will do.

Noelani. Another Tuchuk miss who is seeking her place at the First Wagons. This girl is a Haruspex though. Interesting indeed. She told me Spiriit was training her. An honor. I told her so. But I also told her to find a blood and bone sponsor in the next three hands. Some of her answers to me were not what I would like to see in a Spex of the Tuchuk. But she is young and shows promise that will blossom I believe under a strict teacher.

All in all my time today was much as many other times I have found at the stream. People .. friends. New acquaintances. Even sleep among the chuckling water .. deep grass ... and endless Sky.

Solace.

Back to .. Basics

This morning I went in search of Pacu .. Oren and her family. They had moved their wagons back to the furthest rows where I had met them. I suppose they saw their place at the First Wagons due to me and if I was not there ... they were more useful elsewhere. I have no doubt those of the First Wagons would have treated them well .. but I am not unfamiliar with the pride of Oren or Pacu so I am not surprised.

As usual they treated me like I had never left. Like I had been riding with Pacu yesterday and eating Astar's stew the night before... arguing with Oren about verr. If there was any difference in how they treated me .. there was perhaps a little more stew in my bowl .. perhaps a softer clap on my shoulder from Pacu than usual .. A sharper glance from Oren ... but otherwise it was as if I never left. They never asked me where I had been.

Oren .. looks older. I did not think that was possible but her eyes are a little less dark and a little more glassy ... but I am not foolish enough to test her. Her mind seems as sharp as ever it was.

After food and bosk milk .. after Oren left to the verr herd and Astar began the chores of cleaning up and preparing the next meal ... I sat with Pacu and we spoke of my herd. My herd. Not the bosk that were mine for the position of Ubar .. but my own built up from when I got my first courage scar. My kaiila .. bred with specific care by the Kaiila Clan from my own beasts. Each one was taken with my power .. my own hands had provided. These things .. all of my possessions were kept and had flourished under Pacu's hand. I was very grateful for he had his own family and his own herds to care for. He gave me details on breeding .. numbers. I had not done too badly though it seemed there had been a great loss in the recent move North. A loss though that was shared by many Tuchuk and not just I.

No one had ridden Kai .. the kaiila ... or Rocca. It took be awhile to get them used to the idea I was back. A while that left its mark on me and by the time I was done I was as tired as I could ever remember being tired. But it was a good tired.

The kind of tired that left a man feeling as if he had accomplished something. Done something real. Put another mark on the things that he was building for himself and those that he would care for. Dust .. sweat ... bosk piss... kaiila spit ... blisters and leather burns. For a man that has been through what I have .. there is no better medicine than to get back to basics.

Touch

Now .. there is the strangest thing since I have returned. I have not dreamt. When I sleep I sleep the sleep of dead. Not even normal dreams .. let alone my kind of dreams.

But this morning I woke with the feeling I should have been dreaming. Good dreams. Lingering touch on my skin. A touch I have not felt in a long ... long time. A touch more intense than I can say.

My skin has been oiled. It seems to have soaked up the salve like parched ground soaks up the first seasonal drops of rain. A slave?

A strand of hair remains in my palm.

Did I reach for her?

Why did she leave?

Was she real? or a dream ...

the Fire in her eyes

I could not sleep. The floor was too hard. The fur was too soft. It was too quiet in my wagon. It was too noisy outside. It was too dark .. there was too much light from the stars.

You get the idea.

I tossed and turned for a while. Cursing my aching bones that seemed to stick out from my skin all over. This way it was my shoulder .. that way it was my hip ...

I was lonely. Ridiculous .. how many nights had I spent in this wagon alone and I was fine. This is how it always was. There were more nights alone in this wagon than there ever had been with anyone else.

Did not matter. The fur was still too soft and the floor was still too hard ..I wanted to talk to someone about T'zuri. I did not want anyone to ask me of her.. I wanted to remember each moment .. but I did not want to think about her ... need I go on ...

So I finally gave up and shoved fingers back through the length of my hair. A slow exhale before I ducked back out of my flaps and wandered off down the lanes between the wagons.

Figured I might as well go see what maggot had possessed Silken .. taken over her body and polluted her brain with worm like attributes. I hoped she was still up .. and pleasantly surprised to find her at her fires.

She looked good as usual .. a little rough around the edges but ... as a Tuchuk I find that attractive. We spoke a little .. she was reticent ... as she had been at the fires. I told her Tarra mentioned she and Shi were mated again. That I was supposed to remember that but .. I told her I did not. She told me how it had come about. She knew I supported her and would not judge her for her decisions .. and yet she seemed a little defensive about the whole thing. At least at first .. she appeared to calm down when she realized I was not there to be opinionated about her personal life.

She finally shared with me why she had been acting so strange. Now I understand it for the most part and the parts I do not I figure have to do with her being female and me being male. Those parts that I never understand no matter how hard I try. She gave me some things to eat that would help my stomach accept the food a little better .. a little faster. And she gave me tea.. kaiila piss. Nasty shit. Do not see a bit of use for it .. but it did help. Not that I will admit it. That would be too much.

She hugged me .. kissed me on the cheek. Took me off guard. No matter how many women I rape and slaves I fuck ... still a woman kissing my cheek can confuse the hell out of me. About that time Ba'atar approached her fires. I was pleased and welcomed the interruption because ..well I was all twisted up and off my groove. The two of them needed to talk anyway. And they did .. with a little persuasion on my part. Just a little .. that was all that was needed. At least she spoke up .. said some of the things on her mind. Now it did not get her far but that really was not the point .. the point was she needed do the saying of it. She needed to step up and stop the load of boskshit that was slipping between her lips.

It was good to see Ba'atar and I had a chance to get a good look at him while he was speaking to Silken. He looks older .. older than three years should do to a man ... but I guess the position will do that. It always does. But he looks good .. strong. The lines of decision etched around his eyes and his mouth all ready .. making him look like a grown up warrior. I was proud to see it. Meant a lot to me .. especially since he was the Ubar now.

Silken and I spoke for a bit longer after Ba'atar left. It was good to say some of the things built up in me. Some of the things I had not said to anyone yet. We both spewed a little bile and felt better for it. A few moments of mutual understanding. Valued above so many other trivial things. I can say that before I left I saw some of that fire I remembered in her eyes. It was good to see.

Milk .. Some Good Moo

Now most everyone knows my favored drink is fresh warm bosk milk. Everyone .. well that was a long time ago.

Do you know how hard it is to wrap your head around the fact that people have lived for three years and to you it feels like a day or two?

Everyone used to know my favored drink is fresh warm bosk milk. Nothing better .. strained of anything that does not belong of course.

I had the slaves trained to bring it to me perfectly. Wooden cup. Fresh from the bosk. Presented with a little style.

It is good to be home. It is good to hear the low sounds of the bosk. The smells ... the warmth of the fires and the voices of a million people all Tuchuk. Hot blooded and ready to live every bit of their lives with the do or die courage we are known for.

But if I had to pick one thing .. that I am the most thankful for right now. I think it is this simple bowl of fresh warm bosk's milk.

Time around the Fire

It was late when I finally moved. My body aching as much for not moving as it had been for moving too much for too long. I was better for the bathing though and feeling a little more alive. Of course feeling a little more alive had given me a serious case of the blues. All that dusty emptiness around me.

I dressed .. well ... I draped my clothes on my body .... looking rather pitifully lost in them. Cinched my belt up tight and wrapped the extra leather around me. And there was a lot of extra leather.

The Central Fire had spent itself when I ducked through the flaps of my wagon and still the light seemed to stab at my eyes watering them up a little. The press of all those bosk .. all those people. My people .. just a lot more of them than I was used to. Made my chest feel heavy .. but it was still a comfort even if I felt like I could not breathe.

I made my way to the fire. My walk is a little like a shuffle/stride/swagger sort of thing. Long on shuffle and short on swagger yet. But give it a little time.

Tarra was at the fires. I crouched down near the warmth. Easy conversation. Easy except that my voice sounds odd to my ears. I started asking questions. Not sure that was self preserving of me. The answers were hard to swallow. Harder to wrap my head around. So much had changed .. so much was different. Some were good .. some where just different ... others .... well those were the hard ones. The ones that hurt the most and left me kind of breathless. Like I had been punched in the stomach. I felt it all the way down.

We were talking of people .. of new faces around the fire. Of old faces and how they were when Silken came within the light and took a lean on a wagon wheel. Now I have seen her do that before .. but ... she seemed a little different this time. Was it really different or was it just me?

Well she asked me if I had seen a healer .. and I told her I had seen Falon ... and now I had seen her. Counts in my opinion. was not like I had any holes I was leaking out of.

She said no .. had I been checked over. I told her there was a kajira that morning ....

She said checked over .. not checked out.

oh

Then she wandered off with a "you should see a healer Fonce" and that was it.

No .. I mean really. That was it.

I began to wonder if I was still stuck in a dream somewhere because that was not Silken. At least the Silken I remembered. Though I had been gone a long time .. so Tarra said. Hm.

Cana showed up and got me some milk .. and a basket with honey cakes and honey nuts. I was feeling pretty spoiled about then. But when I turned around to take the basket to my steps I realized my wagon was not where it used to be ... now you would think I would just go right back to it figuring I just left it. But habits it seems are hard to break and it took me a bit to find my wagon again. This was going to take some time.

A big Tuchuk came to the fires. A commander named Ayguili. I had heard of him .. Ba'atar's brother. Second in command. I am never .. not ever going to remember that name. He does not seem to speak much. Not long on conversation.

I told him I had heard of him .. he said he had heard of me too. I told him that actually did not surprise me and I said it with a dry chuckle.

He said .. "nothing bad and I see you have returned"

Nothing bad? Now that actually did surprise me. I told him that yes .. yes I had returned or so it seemed by all accounts .. most of me ... some of me ....

Cana told me she would wait a couple of days for me to gain some strength before she would chase me around with a spoon.

I told her that was terribly sporting of her .. but it made me suspicious.

Ayguili .. kudos to me for remembering the name .... was confused about the spoon thing. I asked him if he had not ever had her chase him around with a spoon? Brother/sister sort of thing? right?

He said no.

I said .. a pot?

He shook his head.

I asked him if the two of them spoke much?

He said .. not much.

I said well that would explain a lot .. had me worried perhaps Cana liked him better.

I could see my humor had gotten lost in the translation somewhere ... so I chuckled at myself.

Finding myself such good company I decided to take myself off and put myself to bed. Seemed all I could do was sleep lately. Drink broth and sleep. Drink broth and sleep and talk about who was not sleeping with me in my wagon any more.

Empty

What is it with this inability I have to keep track of time? When I woke I could not tell if it had been a few ahn or a few days. Well aside from the fact there was not an hort of mold growing on the greasy remains in my bowl.

I could feel the emptiness around me. It was so much nothing I thought it would suffocate me. I was not sure why .. but I knew she was not here. Had not been here for a long time. It left me missing a whole lot. I had not realized how much of my insides had been packed full of her. It did not seem fair .. but then what in my life had been? What in the life of any Tuchuk was fair? I was not the first to lose someone. Was not the first someone I had lost. Still... seemed like more nothing than I had been forced to deal with in a long time .. perhaps ever.

Prying my eyes open .. coals had gone cold. I was debating whether or not I should spend the energy to get up and light it again when I small form shoved its way through the flaps of my wagon. It was the first indication to me that I had been gone a lot longer than I thought. No one .. shoves their way into my wagon especially little tiny someone's with steel around their necks. Good way to die. Where was Yaz anyway? Not only did the thing come in she drug a big bucket of steaming water behind her across the floor wrinkling up the thick furs that covered it. Not that I minded the view during this procedure. The only thing that would have improved it was a bigger bucket and a little more feminine grunting.

I had never seen her before .. thus her entering my wagon as if she could and live .. I assumed. She was slightly built .. she looked to be Turian. Long silk black hair slid over her shoulders like a delicate curtain. When she turned around and glanced to me I could see the shock of what she saw in her deep brown eyes. Very big eyes that seemed to take up most of her small face.

She was going to bathe me. Now there was a real invasion of my personal space. And yet .. for a few moments ... my wagon was much less

.... empty.

I can not seem to .. think

This morning .. or I should say afternoon ... I woke with my head all stuffed full of mist. But my water bota and my bowl of stew were still with me. I must have just fallen on my face and passed out. I rolled over and found my jar of honey. Things were looking up.

The water tastes good .. it is cool and clear and eases my throat ... soaking into my tongue so it does not feel like a thick stick in my mouth. The stew is congealed and the fat is a waxy cover but I do not mind .. it seems forever since I tasted anything so good.

My hair is hard matted with blood and dirt .. I need a bath. But I woke in the cold .. shivering as I pulled my furs around me and started the fire in the bowl. I can tell by the feel of my wagon that no one has been in it for some time. It feels like it has been a long time .. a really long time ... but it could not be that long.

If I could just clear this mist from my head. If I could just think .. I know all this would make some sense to me. It seems a great task just to drink a little water and swallow a little stew. I need a bath .. I keep coming back to that but I am still cold through and a dip in the stream is just not something I am all that motivated to do.

The light from the small fire is a comfort .. it seems to chase the worst of the shadows from my wagon. Warding off some of the cold that seems to have gripped me from the inside out. As I reach to put another chip into the coals I am caught staring at my hand .. it does not seem to be my hand. It is strange looking to me .. so broken and raw. Covered in a crusty shell of bloody mud. I suppose that is what I look like all over.

If I could just pull my thoughts together. I know that I would not be so confused. I know that I would understand why my wagon is empty. I know that I would understand why T'zuri is not here to greet me. I know that I would understand why I feel the way I do. I know that I would understand it all .. that it would all finally make sense and .. it would be all right again. I know there is some simple explanation for everything ... I just can not seem to figure it out.

I curled up in my fur as close to the fire as I could get and let my tired eyes close again. Perhaps when I wake up the mists will clear. My thoughts will be mine again. Everything will make sense as it should.

A Stew .. Revisited

Sometimes it is the simplest things that keep a man going. Like bosk .. or the face of someone that is important to you. I missed my new mate .. my Boots .. T'zuri. I missed her voice.. her singing... and the way she had of splitting my brain in two between strangling her and kissing her. I can not wait to see her. I can not wait to smell her hair .. I can not quite remember what it smelled like. I know though that as soon as I see her I will remember. It plagues me .. that I can not remember.

I do not recall much about my arrival. The entire thing is somewhat vague to me now. I do remember sitting at the fire with Cana and Falon and Rook. Cana brought me a bowl of stew .. made me remember another bowl of stew. She has always been there for me when I needed a friend the most. Friends with stew .. the best kind of friends to have.

They made a bit of a fuss about me .. not sure why. Other than I will admit I am not looking myself yet .. but that will change with time and ... lots of food. I asked about T'zuri .. but no one would talk to me about her. Last night I wanted to talk .. to ask ... to dig into the looks cast between them a little more but I was too tired.

Rook said something about sleep .. sounded good to me. My wagon .. my furs .. sleep.

So Bring me Incense Gold and Myrrh

... actually .. a nice fat bosk steak will do just fine.

Now I have always been a man with little against walking. Kept my soil legs under me more than most .. but truly there is little more pathetic than a plainsman on the plains without his kaiila. It just is not natural.

But that was the least of my worries. I was hungry .. thirsty ... looking at me seemed there just was not much left. A bit of sinew and skin hanging on some big bones is all. My eyes were dark and sunk into my skull as if they were hiding out there instead of interested in what I was facing. My lips dry and broken .. chapped and raw. My fingers worn to the bone in places .. my leathers mostly gone .. perhaps I had eaten them. I sure did not present myself well .. to anyone's standards. Especially the most fierce prideful people on the plains. I was Tuchuk .. not some withered hole dwelling excuse for a human ... would have been better if my appearance had matched my thoughts.

It was not long before the lack of food and water took hold of me and I was stumbling around in a fevered daze. I think I followed a little bug for a while .. weird. Hard to tell which way I was going .. as the moons gave way to the Central Fire I thought for sure it was a crazy fool thing that a man could go from freezing to death to heat stroke in such a short time.

I worried some about being a walking meal .. smelling of blood I was bait for anything that was hungry and on the plains that was a terrible list of critters that could do with a fresh slab of meat ... no matter how scrawny and thin it had become .. just made it easier to kill. What those critters did not know is that I was hungry enough to eat them .. I was just not sure I had the strength left in me to do it.

Sky only knows how long I stumbled around like that under the Central Fire. Sky only knows why I was not made a meal of .. I suppose there are things left for me to do yet.

I was in such a daze that I never saw that meaty shoulder before it knocked me clear off my feet onto my back .. a slow wheeze of air forced from my lungs and I coughed trying to get them to fill up again as my eyes attempted to find focus. Hot breath washed over my face and the stench was like nothing I could ever explain .. well ... yes actually I could. It was a stench I was very familiar with ... or had been in another life it seemed. About that time a thick rough triangular tongue washed all over my face and I gagged and rolled over spitting kaiila drool. That big head nudged me and I felt a rib crack as I was tossed over like a child's rag doll. Poor beast had no idea he was near killing me with his curiosity. I got my shaking legs underneath me and waved a hand around till I found his big ugly maw and grabbed hold of his cheek and hauled myself upright .. finding myself looking strait into the most beautiful ugly kaiila I had seen in some time.

Tal Ciegue.

I do not think I was ever more happy to see an ugly kaiila in my life. And I would hate to think of a time in the future to outdo this one. I wrapped my fist up in his mane of hair until I was well tied into it .. enough that I might have to cut myself out of it even. Did not trust my strength enough to haul myself onto his back. Give him credit he seemed to know I needed to be among the humans for he turned and set off as if he knew where he was going and why. I stumbled along as best I could .. him dragging me along when I could not .. listening to his big paws as they thudded upon the plains grass .. it soothed my soul and gave my heart a rhythm to beat to.

Forgive .. me

When I woke it was cold. A shiver went through me and I pulled at my extremities hoping to bring them close to my body. I was wet .. slick congealed something ... covered in it. Felt like blood .. was it mine? Or had the man of stone been something more? How many times had I been bathed in blood .. mine and others. It was not the blood that phased me .. it was the darkness .. the cold. The lost feeling.

I am sorry Fonce .. for wasting all you had for what I thought I could not live without. I am sorry Tuchuk ... for deserting you when you were mine to care for. I am sorry my friends for leaving you without word or thought. I am sorry my family ... for I have left you in your time of need. I am sorry T'zuri ... for giving up all I had for that which truly meant nothing in the face of all that I could have gained. For not being there when you needed me the most.

Forgive .. me.

I was a changed man .. I could feel it. I could feel the knowledge and the wisdom that built up in me like a plains stream .. busting through the soil to get out and free. I would do better .. I would value that which was real and true to value. I would grasp to me that which was mine and I would care for it like I had never cared for anything in my entire life.

If I could just have a chance to do so again. If I could just get out of this .. mess. If I could just find my way back. If I could just be .. home. Alive. A whole man. If I just had the chance to make it all right ... I knew I could this time.

I shivered again before I noticed a light on the horizon. Horizon? How was that possible? Where had the horizon come from? What horizon?

There I was questioning again .. when I should be fucking thankful there was a horizon .. any horizon. How little we change even when we think we have grown by leaps and bounds. I grunted to myself as I watched the first of three moons climb up into the Sky .. stars .. why had I not seen them before? They were spread out like a great fur rug and just as comforting to me now. Except they were not warm. Warm would be good .. my teeth set to chattering and I thought for sure they were going to hack themselves to pieces and fall out between my lips.

Yes .. warm would be very good. I glanced down over myself .. the blood that covered me dark .. colorless in the moons light ... adding to the cold. I rose to my feet .. the sword I had clutched gone now .. as was the room and the mountain. Grass stretched out from me as far as I could see and the Sky rose above me as far as I could stretch. I smiled. I was a long way from everything and everyone and I had no idea how much time had passed but I was free .. I had another chance. I set off towards where I thought the Harigga would be .. where I had left it .. by the position of the moons and the stars I thought sure I had not been gone that long ... I was sure I would find them where I had left them ... little did I know that they would be there all right .. but a full year had passed and nothing was going to be the way it had been ...

..just nothing at all.

Action

How many laws had I broken to be here in this room .. with the man of stone? How many rules had I rewritten and redefined? How many people had I set aside to quench the ever hungry fire of my anger .. my hurt ... that needed to be avenged. Is there enough blood in the whole of the plains? In the whole of humanity? Can there be enough blood to pay the price?

What had I sacrificed to be there .. where I was ... with the man of stone. And yet here I was ready to destroy it all .. in my panic ... in my fear of the closed space I lifted my sword to destroy ... the only way I knew how to solve this problem ... the only target I could find .... the only thing I could make suffer for how I felt.

It did not matter how long he had been there .. it did not matter his story or how he came to be the man of stone. It did not matter who he pined for or what service he had to serve before he could feel Lar Torvis on his cheeks again .. or enjoy the simple breath of wind upon his hair. It did not matter who he had loved or who he had hated. My drive .. my questions ... none of it mattered any longer .... someone had to pay for the stones over my head .... someone had to pay for the separation from the Sky and ..he was the only one there.

You would think that an action that would take a man from really bad to even worse would take some time .. some effort ... some real thought and intent. But no .. one moment of panic .... one cleaving strike of sword against stone and it was done. Over. There was a screaming of metal and rock .. something that squished like a mellon ... a sound like rushing wind through a valley ... a sigh like a sleeping babe against his mother's chest ... the raining of stone pieces upon the floor .... and my torch went out.

Fuck.

The Watcher

High virtue like an opiate lull
has numbed my weary senses
and desire's strains have faded
with the midnight's pull
Darkness with her righteous shroud
has settled firm upon my shoulders
and I am once again alone
for what?
must I bear this unrequited love
for whom
must I remember ... always remember
How
Can I break free from this sepulcher of stone
And when
Will warmth of spring melt through this endless December.

Death's haunting aria whispers ever gently in my ear
Her promise of climactic peace
A tired melody that holds no fear
for me. And I am tempted sorely
for those threads of culmination
May they wrap tightly around my soul until the
thrusting of my heart subsides into a steady throb.
Till I can hold within my hand the pristine memory
And once again see you clearly for who you were to me.

©2008 Mine

The Man of Stone

on a cobweb afternoon
in a room full of emptiness
by a freeway i confess
i was lost in the pages
of a book full of death
reading how we'll die alone
and if we're good we'll lay to rest
anywhere we want to go

in your house i long to be
room by room patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone i'll wait for you there
alone

on my deathbed i will pray
to the gods and the angels
like a pagan to anyone
who will take me to heaven
to a place i call
i was there so long ago
the sky was bruised
the wine was bled
and there you led me on

in your house i long to be
room by room patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone i'll wait for you there
alone

and on i read
until the day was gone
and i sat in regret
of all the things i've done
for all that i've blessed
and all that i've wronged
in dreams until my death
i will wander on

-Audio Slave


She was beautiful ..

Well I wish I could have said something like that instead of describing the misery of that climb. In fact .. I think I will leave it at that. No one wishes to hear of the mind stretching things I heard as I made my blindfolded way up that trail. The questions that were not mine to ask .. the answers that were not mine to know. No one wishes to hear of the bloody condition of my hands.. my knees ... my feet.... the boy-like tears that made mud trails down my scarred cheeks as if they were soft and new as I wished for some other task .. some other fate than to be there where I was. Feeling sorry for myself and knowing it made me weak and not caring enough to change it.

No one needs to know the times I almost decided that my revenge was not worth it. That I was ready to give it all up and just be me .. Just be Fonce. How simple that could have been if I had just seen what I had to be thankful for and not stretched my hand to the stars for the revenge I was so sure I needed. How often even the burn of my anger was nothing but glowing coals that barely kept me from stepping from the edge and ending all that misery.

How long did it take? I can not say. I know I felt the pangs of hunger and the headaches of thirst. I know I felt the faintness of blood loss. When I thought I could go no further .. when I was done ... I felt a small cold hand in mine. Tiny thin fingers that tucked themselves into my paw .. sliding slick against the wet warmth of my own. I nearly jumped out of my skin .. to feel another ... no matter who ... was a most beautiful thing to me .. stark and sharp and brilliant like a quiva blade in the moons light. It hurt worse than I can explain and felt so good that I wept like a child as I stumbled after.

The floor beneath my feet felt level .. an odd feeling to me now. The small hand tugged itself from my own and though I wished it would stay I let it go .. reaching for my blindfold. I eased the leather from my eyes and winced. Even though there was only one small torch upon the stone wall it seemed a terrible bright light that would sear my eyes from their sockets. Blinking I tried to force my focus to cut the objects from their shadows and gain me some kind of knowledge as to where I was. Of the small cold handed being there was no sign .. there was only a man .. a man of stone. Set upon the floor as if he had once been alive. The detail of his face .. his features ... fantastic. He was surrounded by the bones of men .. many men. Men who had come with weapons. Many different kinds .. great axes ... swords .. quiva... spears.

This then was the man .. the man who held all I needed to know. Whom I had sought and broken laws to find. I let my gaze travel to my hands .. to the shreds of skin. To the torn bloody leather of my knees .. what was left of my boots. The answers did not seem so important. The questions seemed far away. I had trouble remembering what it was I even meant to ask him.

It was then I realized I was inside .. inside and there was Sky only knew how many tons of rock over my head. I was inside and there was a shitload of rock between me and the Sky. I was inside. The panic swept through me slow .. deliberate ... like spreading flood waters over the plain. I took a step back .. meaning to return out the way I had come only .. there was no way out. There was nothing but smooth solid rock all the way around. I ran for the torch and ripped it from the wall .. searching the corners .. the shadows ... for a way out. But there was no way out. There was only the man .. and a scattering of bones and weapons across the floor .. others such as I who had risked all to find the answers to questions that had seemed so important to them at the time only to find out too late that everything that was truly important had been in their grasp the entire time. How foolish .. how wasteful .. how pathetic ... but I would not sit here and die like they had .. so easily ... I swept up a dweller's sword in my bloody hand and I raised it and my torch and I gave a Tuchuk battle cry as I charged that man of stone.

It Begins

The mountain loomed up above me. Cold stone broken and shoved up from the plain below like a festering sore scabbed over and waiting for someone to scratch it off and let all that puss free. Nothing grew on it .. nothing at all. Where there should be moss .. or scrub brush there was simply bare rock. Mist clung to the top like a new born babe might cling to its mother's tit. Afraid to let go .. afraid to face what it could not fathom nor rightly know of.

I stared at it a long time before I realized I was not supposed to be there. I was not supposed to be looking at this mountain. I was supposed to be at the Harigga .. in my wagon ... with my new mate. Making sons and ... well I suppose a few daughters in there too. Not here .. not now. There was no preparation .. no ritual .. was I dreaming? Well of course I was .. was this not a dream war?

I swore at myself for the fool I was being. It just was not rational. Why now? Yet rational or not .. it was there for me to do and standing around staring at it was not getting the thing done. Nor was it bringing me any closer to being back at the Harigga .. in my warm furs with my new mate. A healthy motivation .. even setting aside my burning soul-fire of a drive for revenge.

I took stalk of what I had with me. Nothing but what I was wearing. Figures. When was it that Fonce was going to catch his break? Seemed it was not going to be today. Seemed today was another bad day to be Fonce. Too bad Fonce was me.

Leather jerkin .. leather pants. Leather boots .. I reached down to find that the familiar small blade was still in the one. Ah .. things were not so bad after all. Though what I was going to do with a tiny blade I had no idea .. but the polished steel made me feel a little better .. charged my spirits somewhat. I shoved it back and straitened .. squaring my shoulders. Took my first step towards that mountain. The first step in what would turn out to be a much longer journey than I ever could have foreseen .. even being the Spex I was.

... But Not Too Tight

I was striding towards the Main Fires when Polunu saluted me and told me I was just the man he was looking for. Did he have any idea how good it was to hear those words from him? There could only be one reason he was looking for me ... he had found the beast.

Things were looking up.

He said indeed .. the task had been difficult but he had set his determination and with the compassion of a certain kaiila breeder he had found all I required.

I was happy.

Yes this was one of those happy moments. Things were going my way for a change. It was going to be all right. I was going to be able to accomplish something. The next step. My failure seemed further away .. and not so important.

I could not wait to see the beast .. he said Cana had asked that I allow her to see the beast from time to time ... that ... might be a problem. For you see .. no man had ever returned with the beast he rode to the top of the mountain before. It just did not happen. And no one usually really cared for what was a half blind kaiila really worth?

But it was not enough to shadow my elation .. not yet. I was too happy ... too relieved just to hear that Polunu had done as I so desperately needed ... he had lured the beast out to reveal himself. Young love ... it was a power that I had to have respect for.

Not that Polunu acted like he was in love .. but whatever it was ... it was powerful enough to get the kaiila to reveal himself and that was all I cared about.

I was happy.

Cana made mention of it .. I told her she had no idea what I had gone through to find the beast. But I just could not seem to accomplish it. She said perhaps the beast did not wish to be found. Well that was obvious for it took Polunu to get him to reveal himself. She showed me the beast and told me she had named him. Named him Ciegue. The first warning bell began to chime in my head. She had given him a name.

She told me he was an exceptional beast. With intelligence. She said I might think her crazy but she had a feeling about him .. about the way she had found him.

ah fuck

It was Cana that had lured him out .. not Polunu.

This was starting to go all bad. Cana had formed an attachment to the beast. Cana spoke of his destiny .. which seemed to be a different destiny than I had in mind for him. So I questioned her feelings .. her thoughts. Not because I thought for a moment that they were not real or that they could not be real .. but because I needed to know exactly what they were to see how they stacked up against my own desire for him. Was I his destiny? or was Cana? I needed to know .. I needed to investigate her reasonings ... her words to see what she meant and how she felt. But she saw my questions as unbelief. She grew very defensive with me. She questioned my belief and I grew offended. I asked her why she questioned me .. the core of who I am and she said I was the one questioning her. But I was not questioning her core beliefs I was asking for explanations so I knew if they were my beliefs also.

I desperately needed to know if this beast was the one I looked for. Or if I had accidentally crossed paths with Cana's destiny. I had a decision to make .. the kaiila was mine. I could do with him as I pleased .. but what did I please? What needed to happen here. I could not tell. I did not know.

I still do not know. All I know is that Cana grew defensive and would not explain her beliefs to me further because she thought I questioned her right to have them. Based on that knowledge alone I knew simply by her defensiveness that she cared more for the beast than I did. I needed him ... but I did not know him. I did not know him in a way to care for him as she did. She knew him ... knew of him to the point she would even defend him to me ... someone that was her friend. Someone she never would need to defend herself against because I would never attack anything that was important to her. And so I decided to give her the beast .. I decided to relinquish my claim on him. I decided to give her what she so desperately wanted and to give the beast a chance to be more than a means to an end.

But I can tell you .. even though I thought I was doing the right thing ... it sure took the wind right out of my sail.

I am a little hurt that she did not believe in me enough to know that I would never question her beliefs. I wish she knew me well enough to know I only wished her to explain them to me. I wish she knew how much I care for her as my friend and how much she means to me. So much I would even risk losing the most important thing to me right now.

I do not know what I am going to do. I do not know how this will turn out for me. I think it will turn out well for Cana and Ceigue. But I have no idea how I am going to get up the mountain now .. I do not know how I am going to reach the Man of Stone and learn the answer to the next step in my quest.

Things are no longer looking up.

I learned today not to hold on too tightly to my dreams.

Hold on Tight .. to Your Dreams

I am angry.

I really need to think about that. How often I am angry.

It is not as if I am an unhappy man. Or that I avoid happiness. That is not so at all. In fact I actually enjoy being happy. It is a good feeling .. one I seek. I find many times that I am indeed happy.

But this is not one of those times.

This time it has to do with the Dream War.

I found a Dream Catcher buried underneath my wagon. I do not know when it was put there .. obviously some time after we moved North. I do not know who put it there. The only reason I found it was Yaz dug it up and when I went under the wagon today to take the pups I found it there .. half buried .. half chewed on. But still there. Still operative.

When I say I do not know who put it there I mean that. But I do know it was female. I got that much from it before whoever it was disconnected themselves from it. I was so angry half the Haruspex in camp must have felt me when I latched onto that thing. Half the Haruspex and anyone in touch with the emotional currents that flow around us. My anger was like a plains fire that spread out faster than any wind across the grass. A rush .. and then it was gone. It is no wonder she disconnected so swiftly. Otherwise I would have destroyed her before I even knew who she was. But at this point I know she is fine .. if slightly singed.

But I on the other hand .. I am furious. Who did she think she was? How dare she interfere with something that has nothing to do with her? This is between Aunt and I .. and no one else. Anyone who interferes will be considered my enemy. Even if they are there to help me .. I do not want their help. I want to win. I am too angry to consider myself part of anything other than revenge right now. She will pay. I will destroy her. Me .. not anyone else. She will know it is all me. She will know it is my power .. my fingerprints all over her demise.

But now I can not concentrate. Now I am a little lost with this new player in my game. A game meant for two .. not three. Who is this? Did they mean to hurt me or save me? Whose side are they on? There is no way to take part without being on a side .. that would be impossible. Neither Aunt or I would allow it. There is no neutral ground here. There is no intercessor. There is no ambassador of peace. There will be no peace .. neither one of us want that now. The only way Aunt will stop is if I go down on one knee and admit she was right. Which I will never do. Not for her .. not for anyone. She is delusional if she thinks I will stop at anything but her total and complete destruction.

I know I must go up the mountain. I know the next piece to my puzzle rests at the top. I know I will find my next answer there that will lead me to my next question. I know now is the time because I have failed in the three. I will have to find another way.

I desperately need that kaiila. I need the black kaiila with the white eye and the blue eye. I need him to get to the top of the mountain .. I need him to get up the trail. I need him to be blind to the crevasse and I need the blue to ward off the magic of the mountain. I need him to see for me .. I need him to get me up there for I will have to go blindfolded. I need him to accomplish my task. I need him as a means to an end. And I must do this soon or this third player may make it harder. And I know it will be hard enough.

The mountain is a beacon of answers in a land of questions. So many questions they have created a vacuum of darkness. The trail leads up one side of the mountain and down the other. To get up you need a kaiila that is blind to the questions and can withstand the answers. Blind to the cliff side .. where the darkness of questions will drive anyone insane instantly .. and impervious to the answers which would drive anyone with anything but blue eyes over the side into the questions .. just to find at least one to deal with so many answers all at once. It is a place of extremes. A place with no middle ground save the trail. I can not go alone. I need the kaiila.

But for some reason I can not find him. I do not want him bad enough. So I have given the quest to Polunu .. who I believe wants him bad enough to move the currents and reveal the beast. I need Polunu .. to get to the beast. Once I have the beast I can get up the mountain and find the answer I need. I will reach the top and I will talk to the Man of Stone and I will learn what I need to get passed the fact I have failed with the three.

All my hope and all my plans rest on Polunu now. May he want Aiyana as his woman bad enough to reveal the beast to me.

Bitch better keep her hands off my dreams ... I have a death grip on them myself.

Is she Loyal? or is she a slave?

As Leonette left the stream she said something to me that was odd .. she told me to dream well. Dream well. Right. I snorted. Blue asked me then if I did not dream well? And I told blue that my dreams were not the dreams of most men. So the answer was no .. that I did not.

She asked me what I did dream and I replied that I dreamed a war. So she asked who the war was with and I answered that it was not important .. at least to a slave. She needed only to know that my dreams were not the dreams of sleeping men.

She asked me then if I was winning .. and I told her that no I was not .. but that I had not lost either. Very important.

She asked me if there was anything she could do to help me win this war. I replied that there was nothing she could do as a slave.

She said no .. as her.

I asked her then if she was indeed a slave? And she replied yes she was. Then she asked me what the war was over. And I asked her if she wanted me to win the war? And she said yes .. very much so. And I then told her to stop endangering me then by asking me to explain it to a slave. A slave to the whims of the free .. some of whom did not wish me to win.

She said she would never reveal my words to anyone and I reminded her that she was a slave and she would do as she was told. So she asked me if my word did not come first? And I replied that indeed it did .. for now. For as long as I was her master .. but should the time come when I was not? What then? Then it would be her master's word that came first .. not mine. That her loyalty changed with her collar .. which was no loyalty at all. But was indeed the lot of a slave.

She said .. not always. So I told her to explain. She then said a very curious thing to me. She said that if I told her not to say something she would never say anything no matter who her master was. And so I had to ask her .. was she loyal then to something other than her collar? She said yes .. she was loyal to me.

Now this brought up a lot of questions for me. A lot of thought process. I had assumed blue was loyal to her collar. As most slaves are. They are taught that on point of pain and death. So here was blue speaking of having a higher loyalty. A higher point of ideal than just the collar and I wished to explore it a little. Push the thought to see how well she knew of what she spoke. It is a dangerous thing for a slave to get ideals. Even more dangerous if they think they have ideals and they do not.

So I asked blue the most basic of relationship questions. The foundation of where all of these start .. friendship. I asked blue if she had friends .. friends among her peers. Slaves. She said there were slaves that she liked. At this point I got annoyed and told her to attempt to answer my questions the first time .. otherwise I got irritable and might cut the conversation short.

So she told me there were no slaves that she would call friend because she could not offer them loyalty. She would betray them when commanded to by a free person. She said friendship meant something to her that she did not feel she could honor as a slave.

So I told her I did not trust her then.

She asked me why.

I told her because she offered me nothing.

She said she offered me loyalty.

How could she offer me loyalty when she was neither loyal to her collar nor was she loyal to any higher ideal?

She said she did not understand. So I said she was not loyal to her collar .. because she had told me she would betray her collar for me. Meaning she would betray it for whatever she felt was important enough at the time. And she was not loyal to a higher ideal .. even such a simple ideal as friendship. So what did I have to trust in? I told her that to me it appeared as if her loyalty was convenient.

She decided to argue with me then .. she told me it was not. I told her it was indeed. She asked me if I would allow her to explain. I told her I had heard enough. That either I was right .. or she had suddenly changed her mind about one or the other. That was the only way I would be wrong. She said she misspoke. I told her she might have been wrong but she did not misspeak so she would have to deal with the fact I did not believe in her loyalty.

She said she hoped to change that. I told her she would not .. unless she learned something new. She said she learned something new every day .. I told her there was hope then.

Since I said something nice I suppose she decided it was time to defend herself and argue again. Perhaps because she thought I would accept it better at this point. She told me .. once more ... she did misspeak.

...

I told her of course she did. I suppose she did not catch the dryness of my statement because she went on.

She told me she would not be disloyal to me.

I said of course she would not.

She asked me why it was so hard to speak to me .. now by this time I have waxed obnoxious. Polished by her inability to have a conversation without defensive posturing and need to teach me that I am constantly wrong about her .. her inability to actually listen to a word I say. Hearing only the negative ... hearing only that I am cruel and harsh. Feeling only wounded when I speak. I asked her why in the hell she even wanted to talk to me at all? Why? Did she need to argue so much? Did it somehow give her an identity to constantly disagree with me? And if called on it ... she becomes passive? Is that all she has? Is there no more?

Fuck

At some point you have to realize that you are incapable of communicating with a certain person and you have to make it stop. You have to end it. I started to end it .. but she begged me to continue. So I told her to prove she had more to offer. She said she would. I said no .. do it now. Right now .. or do not approach me again. So she said ..

"I proved to you I was disloyal because I said I would betray my collar for you. I proved to you further that I was untrustworthy because I said I would betray another slave if I was commanded to. Instead of realizing you were pointing out my flaw in how I saw things....and correcting my vision and myself to better align with how I felt. So I can communicate it better, I chose instead to try to press my point upon you to make you see it my way, Master. And instead of worrying over how I made you feel mocked yesterday.....I should have been more focused instead on how to not make you feel that way in the future, instead of trying to make you understand the past."

Why was she constantly assuming I did not understand? Because I was harsh? Because I had no patience for it? So I told her she must think I was stupid.

She defended herself again by saying she believed she misspoke.

I told her .. that was not the case ... she was simply wrong.

She said ... "I am so worried about how you will see me and what you will think and how to please you Master and how to do something, anything right....that I second guess myself into oblivion."

And I agreed. She did so until she was nothing. With nothing. And I do not trust the nothing.

I told her I had more trust in those that spoke out against me. At least I knew where they stood. What they believed in .. even if it was not me. But her? She kept trying to please what she thought and not what she knew because she did not know a damn thing.

She said she wanted to know.

I told her then listen.

I was not happy with her. I was not pleased with her. She had proven to me once more that she would not listen to me .. she would not stop long enough to understand that her hurt and pain was from herself .. not me. That I was not the one wounding her .. she was doing it to herself and she once again shut down in the face of someone telling her she was not thinking everything through. All her defenses came up and she desperately needed to prove me wrong .. despite what that might do to our relationship. Despite what that might do to my desire to have her at my feet .. to find pleasure in her company.

She said she was sorry .. I told her sorry was for losers. I was angry now .. my temper was lost and I was not being nice and wise and patient with her. I told her to try to be something different from sorry all the time. She said she would be .. I told her I grew numb to those words. I no longer have the belief in them.

I am a man .. I can be wrong and I am wrong on many occasions and on a regular basis. But I am not wrong about everything. And a man does get tired of talking to a person that constantly projects their own fears onto him ... making him into the bad man. Making him into the cruel harsh man. At some point he wants to succeed at a relationship. At some point he wants to be able to teach his view to another and share it. Not constantly be told his view is incorrect .. mistaken ... unclear. At some point he grows tired of talking to that person. Not because he can not be wrong .. but because with that person he always will be. And he will seek out someone who allows him to be right sometimes .. allows him to be real. Real is right and wrong ... real is a balance of both with the ability to learn of another person. I am not stupid. I know what she is trying to say and I am merely pointing out her logic can not stand on its own. Not in the face of mine. She will either have to step up her logic or admit that she is wrong. Not that she misspeaks .. but that she is indeed wrong.

I said a very cruel thing to blue. I told her I did not want to learn of her view. That I did not like her view. Her view sucks. Now I was too angry to explain that then. Perhaps if she wants me to I will. But what blue needs to understand is that the view I speak of is her constant fear. Her constant competition with everything around her including me. If it is so damn important for her to win all the time she needs to talk to a different man. She needs to find her place at another man's feet. Not mine. I have too much pride and arrogance for it. I will never be conquered by fear. Not mine .. not hers. I told her she could have her view if she wanted it so bad .. but to stop cramming it down my throat. I did not intend to swallow.

Then she said something stupid. Stupidity really makes me angry. She said she would happily swallow my view if I wanted her to. and I called her on that .. not once had she accepted my view without trying to change it. Not once. Not once had she not thrown it back in my face and expected me to just eat that plate of shit like it was the best meal I had ever been served.

Too angry to continue I told her if she learned what her view on loyalty was she was more than welcome to share it with me and I would decide if it made more sense to me. And then I walked away from her.

Do You See?

At this point in the conversation Leonette had arrived on kaiila and spoke to me. She told me of the beast she was training .. name of Kael. She thought I would be pleased with the kaiila and I told her I would indeed check him out. She told me a little more of him and I mentioned the desire to see her ride sometime .. not something I have seen her do much of. She said any time but that I better bring a fast mount for Kael was quick.

She asked me then how I was and I told her I was all right .. a nod her way that she appeared to be doing well. Seeing her thrive is a personal reward for me. It means I have made a good decision .. a wise one. She said she may win the hearts of the Tribe over yet. I told her I knew of no one that she had not. She really was doing that well as far as I knew.

Then she asked me if I remembered being a prospect. Oh hell yes I did .. she asked me then if it was nerve wracking .. just frustrating at times. And my reply to that was .. an understatement indeed. I told her I was not very well liked. Which was true. And she assumed for a moment that I had eventually had to win all their hearts over as well and I had to clear that up that I still had not.

She said there was an old saying that if everyone liked you that you were not doing something right. Then she asked me to tell her something I learned.

I thought about that for a small bit. I had learned a lot actually but what was one of the most important things I learned? What would be a valuable lesson to share with Leonette? And I replied to her that I learned to let what people thought go. That it did not matter.

She said that she was learning this as well .. though there were some people's opinions she valued.

And I told her told her how I felt .. that you learned to value what is important .. that people are important ... more than what they think. No matter who they are.

She said Cana was teaching her that lesson .. one among many. I told her my opinion of Cana .. that Cana had proven to be a very good friend.

She then said something to me .. that I value very much .. she said once I had asked her what I wanted from her ... and of all the things that is what she wanted the most. To be considered my friend.

I told her that was not really that hard .. that with me all you need to do is be one and I will consider you a friend.

She gave me an object lesson to explain why she thought she had missed some things along the way .. and I did not exactly understand her example but I told her I would think on it. She said she did not have all the answers .. that was the sum of it. And I had empathy for that statement .. a lot of empathy.

She asked me if I saw the line of cliffs on the horizon .. they were too far away but I knew where they were. So she offered me a wager. That the cliffs held all the answers .. and we would race there in our lifetime .. with the agreement that we would share all the answers we learned along the way.

It sounded good .. all for one thing and I said to her ... but what of the things I learn you do not wish to know of? And she said to me .. No ... There may be many things that are hard to share .. painful .. perhaps even frightening but she would prefer to share all that is important to her friend.

I told her if she had changed so much ... that I would accept the wager. With the understanding that should her words to me prove to be untrue or spoken to me without knowledge .. that I would refrain from further sharing.

She said that trust was going to be new to both of us .. and that it would take each of us to make it work.

I told her I had trusted her once .. to take the good with the bad. That I would do so one more time before I learned not to with a finality. I told her there were many things about how her and I worked that I did not understand and might never understand. But that I had never failed to be up front with her and honest to the best of my ability. That this was how I felt .. that these were my thoughts.

So a pact was made between Leonette and I. A wager .. a race. And though neither one of us can see the cliffs from here .. we know they are there and we also know there is a lot to learn on the way. A lot to share between friends.

Seeker of Peace

In my habitual seeking of peace at the stream I was joined by Arigh and blue ..

Arigh asking to speak to me alone for a bit .. which I of course allowed. We spoke briefly on a few things .. one being she wished for blue to be able to serve her again which I gave permission for with the understanding that if it became a huge problem like it had before .. the two of them would be separated again.

I have no desire to constantly fix slaves so they can please everyone. Either the slave figures it out because those people give the slave their preferences or they do not and I will negate the service of that slave to that person until the breakdown in communication between them can be resolved. I can not make a slave pleasing to all .. I can make a slave pleasing to me. I am enough to worry about. If they want a slave to be perfect for them they should get their own slave. Or spend the time with the slave to earn the slave's respect enough that the slave serves them in the way they demand. And that can be good respect or respect by fear. I really do not care either way. As long as the slave is not damaged beyond her ability to serve. That .. would annoy me. Especially since those people who have the most problems with how they are served are the ones bitching if they are not served.

When Arigh and I returned to the stream blue asked to speak to me and I enquired as to what it was about. She said it was about the day before .. that she had chuckled out of delight of my words .. they tickled her and made her happy. And I replied .. and? She said .. she wanted me to know it was not because she was mocking me.

I thanked her for correcting me .. and I told her I would keep that in mind for the future.

She said she really did not want me to keep that in mind for very long.

I stared at her and asked her .. why? Did she wish me to forget her words so swiftly and easily .. especially when she had just given them to me?

She said she was not here to correct me .. nor did she wish to correct me.

And I said to her .. that is what you are doing .. is it not? Or .. am I mistaken ... again.

She said .. "no master you are not mistaken."

"Somehow .. I thought not."

"I just...I don't know how to let you know how I feel....when it does not match how you see I feel Master."

"I think you just did a rather good job of it blue .. so what is the problem?"

"Because I would like to do it without displeasing you by correcting you. I would like to learn how to do it with something that would not upset you or displease you or rile you further."

"I am not riled. If you want to correct my view of your feelings .. there is only one way to do it ... and that is to correct it."

"I guess that is just it Master.....I don't....want to correct you. But I also don't want you to think I felt the way I did. Which I know means me better showing you how I feel. And since I did such a poor job of that yesterday, I just thought...maybe I could tell you, Master. But it doesn't work that way."

"No?"

"It doesn't feel like it Master, no."

"Perhaps you should explain it then ... sounds to me like you have a problem. You do not want me to think something about your feelings that you do not believe to be true yet you also do not wish to correct me on it."

"Yes master that is my problem."

"I would work on that then."

"I will Master. I don't know how but I will try. What would you like me to explain Master?"

"At this point .. I think I understand your problem."