of mud and rain ..of deserts and beetles

I have been questioned a lot about the time I was gone. Unfortunately I do not have the answers. The dream .. was not enough. Not for three years. I know I was somewhere .. I do not know where. I even went to one of the Year Keepers .. because it was hard for me to believe I had been gone so long. But they only confirmed that everyone was right. Everyone but me. I do not know how to cope with looking at three years of pegs and in my head .. there is no room for it. No space to put it all. To me the space is small. A few days at most. Not a few years. Like cramming the contents of an entire wagon into one small chest.

Every time I try to think about it .. hash it all out and throw it down and brand it I just get more and more confused and frustrated. It is times when I am not thinking about it that things begin to slip through.

I have decided to call the place .. this place I can not remember. The desert. Not because I have any clue of what it actually is but more .. because I do not. The desert to me is place of nothing .. great expanses of sand ... very little else. And yet .. when you look closer you find the life that lives even there. Yes .. I think it is a good thing to call it.

Today I learned that of all the things I brought out of the desert with me .. my temper seems to be intact.

Figures.

I was speaking with the prospect to the First Wagons .. Noelani. Tricks .. slight of hand .. these things are like breathing to me and come easy. The beetle was a little different ... a little more thought and intent went into him. In a way it soothed my soul some to see him crawling around exploring the expanse of her skirt. We spoke of rain .. of soil ... of mud. We spoke of osts and women. She told me the "now" was more important than the past. I told her the past gave us the tools to problem solve the future. And my future needs a little problem solving. It is easy to speak of what you are willing to lose when you do not have so much to begin with. Now truth be told... I am not that much older than these girls .. in years. But I have a lot ... I had a lot. I want my life back. I feel like it has been taken away. And I probably do not mean the parts of my life you think I do. I at least want to know why. Why it was taken away from me.

Then she said something to me .. she asked me if I had truly asked why. That if I asked it .. honestly ... I might get an answer.

That is when my temper flared. It did not explode but it leaked a little and the ripple of it turned the brilliant green beetle to dust. I know what the answer is to that question. I do know why.

I felt bad .. a little guilty ... but it also felt good. Felt ... right. Felt like everything else in my life right now. A little gone.. a little bit dead. She stared at me for a long time .. not angry ... but she expected me to fix it. I wanted to fix it .. but what I said out loud was ..

... there are some things that can not be fixed.

yes .. of all the things I could have left behind in the desert ... my temper is certainly still with me.