Forbidden Fruit

Silken had left a word for me. A couple of them in fact. A couple of words that I felt should be addressed and so I took that haunch of meat I had cut for her and her family to Shi and her wagons .. she was not there so I went to the Healer's fires. It was there I found her .. or a shell of her. She did not look even as good as when I first returned. I can not begin to imagine the journeys and paths she is having to walk inside her right now. Well I suppose they are no different than all of us .. but she seems destined to walk a harder road than most. At least at the moment.

We spoke of many things. Silken has always been a friend though I do not know her well. We have not always agreed on things and when Silken disagrees she disagrees with thunder and lightning and fire. Passionate indeed. But I do feel she always listened when I could actually corner her long enough to explain myself and why I did things the way I did. It is something I always valued in her .. not only her passion but her willingness to at least listen even when she was mad enough at me to chew through an axle. And with Silken you usually know where you stand with her. She does not pretend to like people like some .. she is rather obvious which gets her in a lot of trouble because like all of us we like people sometimes and sometimes we are angry with them. She just has no ability to hold her tongue about it. Makes her one of the people I trust. Not because I think she will always be there for me .. but by the Sky if she is not I sure will know about it and see her coming. There are some I can not say that about.

She told me she had once had feelings for me. Back in the day. It surprised me some. When I came to the First Wagons Silken was mated to Jerus. I never saw her much and I know she did not think much of me back then. I got to know her a little more when I was Ubar. I got to see some of her opinions as they blossomed in her temper. She has red hair for a reason. I helped with her separation from Shi and watched her growing close to ... I can not remember his name at the moment. A sign of my age I suppose. Anyway my point was that Silken was always someone that was with someone else. I have always admired her fire .. her passion ... even her sexuality. But I have never looked at Silken in any kind of personal way .. involving me. Not only because most of the time Silken did not like me .. but because she was always forbidden fruit. Something that belonged to someone else.

She still is.

And though I will admire her for her honesty when it comes to how she feels about people .. and I will appreciate her as an attractive passionate woman ... I refuse to think about her as anything other than Shi's mate. His woman .. his possession. Whether or not he possesses is none of my business other than as an ear to a friend. Right now Silken needs my friendship and that is exactly what I have to offer her.

A Gift

Well .. that was my intent anyway. Instead I was waylaid by Pacu who was butchering a bosk. I stopped to help and took a couple of haunches. One for Silken and one for the main fires. As we worked Pacu and I got a chance to talk more. Renewing our friendship like brothers. It was almost like old times. Two Tuchuk in the cold morning bathed in bosk blood cutting the meat up for family and friends. There is nothing better.

When I got back by my wagon I saw that Yamka .. the prospect to the First Wagons ... seems to have mentioned me to her family for a gift of stew.. bread ... milk and honey candy was left for me. I was pleased. It had a way of making me feel more .. normal.

People have changed much. Not in a way that I would say was bad .. or good. Just the natural changes we all go through only I was not here to go through them with everyone so it is more stark and .. bigger .... to me.

Some are changes that attract me to that person. Others are changes that seem to create distance. There is more than one person who has not forgiven me for being away. I understand that and do not blame them for their feelings. I would probably feel much the same way if it were I in their place.

I have renewed some friendships .. lost some ... look forward to finding new ones. I am learning the dynamics of the new ways around the First Fires. Most all of it I am pleased with .. personal opinion. We all have them. Some of course I disagree with but will support Ba'atar as I expected people to support me. I ask .. of course ... because it is my way. The Inquisitor himself I suppose. Always asking .. always mapping human behavior to better navigate my place on the plains.

If there is one person that .. if asked ... I must say has changed the most it would be Cana. Now do not get me wrong ... she is still the same Cana who I can honestly say was my best friend among those at the fires. Her motherly instincts .. her quiet calming wisdom. But since I have been gone I must notice that she has blossomed. I do not know if it is the boys .. she has four now. Or if it is the position she has taken as Ubara. Whatever has done it I am more pleased than I can say to see her grown into such a woman. I can not say I am surprised or that I would not have predicted such a thing .. Spex aside. For I have seen her work tirelessly at any task life has given her. But the actuality of seeing it and experiencing it is an honor.

A Morning

I am going to take a slave.

Ha

How many times has that statement echoed around inside my skull like an oft repeated chant boding ill winds. But the statement itself was enough to bring a peaceful blanket to my thought process during sleep.

Waking many ahn before the Central Fire was due to slip over the horizon I decided that riding the herd at night was another chance to gain a bit of solace. One of my favored times to ride. Plenty of time for my mind to explore itself. And I had some serious exploring to do.

The night was cold. The grass stiff beneath Rocca's paws. It is probably no more cold than in years passed but I was feeling it down to my bones. I have not felt cold like that since I was a boy. Not much between my bones and the air I suppose. Huffing into my hands occasionally and beating my arms against my shoulders. The lazy bosk blew white puffs of air from their nostrils and only once in a while wondered what was wrong with me. I sang to them as I used to. It felt good .. the songs seemed to slip from my memory as if I had sung them all yesterday. Disturbing for its simplicity but comforting in its familiarity.

But it was too cold to think. Each breath sending sharp icicles up through my nostrils into my brain. Like little silver needles into soft flesh. Little silver needles designed to interrupt the easy flow of messages through nerves. The effect was much the same .. my thoughts scattered and bounced around inside my skull. Like echoes.

There I came full circle.

I would never let on how pleased I was when I finally could take a moment near the outrider's fires to thaw my extremities. Feeling the stinging tingle in my fingers and toes as I crouched near the coals and turned my features into the quilted pad of my shoulder to wipe the moisture from my nose.

I am not a drinking man .. as most well know. But I did not refuse the paga bota as it was passed around. Now that .. was good. All the way inside kind of good. Warmth starting in the stomach and radiating out.

When the Central Fire finally broke free of the darkness and edged gleaming fingers up into the Sky to claw a bloody morning trail towards its apex I swung into the saddle once more and rode towards the Haruspex fires. It was time to see what had become of Aunt and check in with my Clan.

Attempt to Fill the Hole?

Perhaps it was because I had to serve myself. But I have done that many times even when there were ten dozen slaves to serve me. My independence has always been sacred to me.

Perhaps it was the blackwine rush. The high that had my blood humming through my veins and little lights in my head flashing like summer bugs beneath the full moons.

Perhaps it was the dusty empty interior of my wagon. The cold lonely feel it has when I climb the steps at night and I know no one has entered the flap. Nothing is disturbed. No little prints on the polished wood. No feminine scent lingering in the air.

Perhaps it was the late night visitor. The empty air my fist closed around when I woke. The tease of touch on skin. I have never been one to be teased. There are a few women that could tell you that .. if they were still around to do so.

Perhaps it is just the empty hole left inside of me. A couple of days ago I had the most beautiful energetic precocious jit monkey of a female filling me up with ideas and dreams and thoughts and emotions and even though I did not always deal with them in the most mature and wise fashion .. I miss ... her.

Only it was not just a couple of days. It was a long .. long lonely time ago.

Perhaps it really is just to fill that empty hole in me. If so I suppose it is doomed to failure and even I know that. I am smart enough not to tie myself into a mate that I do not love nor care for and .. honestly I would not do that to any woman I had respect for which is most women in the Tribe. I know that a slave can not and will not fill this black hole in me. I know it like I know the bosk and the grass and the Sky. I do not need a wise old Tuchuk to warn me of the redundantly inescapable knowledge that all attempts to fill that hole will result in more pain.

But for some reason ... I intend to do just that.

Blackwine ... Rush

People .. amuse me.

When they are not irritating the piss out of me .. that is.

Sounds comfortingly familiar.

This morning after I rode with the herd I returned to the main fires and I drank my first cup of blackwine since my return. That familiar rush .. only more so. Flushing of blood racing just under my skin. Warming ... lifting. Clashing with the wind cooled flesh of my cheeks. The leather chafed skin of my hands.

I have missed that. I have missed that a lot.

But .. there is one thing that is clear to me. I am now alone. There was a time I could not find two moments alone unless I cleverly and creatively dodged Kam's guard. Now .. there are great stretches of time alone punctuated with brief moments where people break away from their burdens of living and scratching for their place with the Tribe to talk to me. But their talk to me no longer is driven by what they need/want/desire. They talk to me briefly in passing as they do their neighbors or acquaintances. Yes I think that is it .. I think that captures what I am trying to say. I am now an acquaintance. It is odd and strangely relaxing at the same time. There are no demands on my time other than those of any other Tuchuk. It feels .. good.

Except for one thing.

I have decided I am going to take a slave.

Good Touch .. Bad Touch

It happened again.

Waking with touch still lingering on my skin. All my skin. And I do mean all.

huh

Now I am used to dreams that leave their marks on me. But there was no dream. Just the marks. I have a sneaking suspicion that this had nothing to do with dreams. That thought was not dissuaded by the symbol on my palm.

So Yaz was returned to my wagon steps .. taken by Pacu when they moved their wagons away from the First Fires. That should stop any late night visits while I am still sleeping like the dead.

Not that the touch was not good. But I think what I may do with that touch could be very .. very .... bad.

Dinner .. And a Show

I ate tonight at Ba'atar's fires. Since he mated Cana I was assured of good food.. very good food. Ba'atar bet me that he could eat more bosk than I could. The ludicrous nature of that bet made it amusing for all concerned. Lately I am the sideshow it seems.

He questioned me yet again on what I could remember. I had to confess one more time that there was nothing more I could tell him. He wanted to know if I knew why he kept asking .. of course I did. I would have done the same thing in his place when I was Ubar. Anything that effects the safety of my people .. whether individually or as a whole ... was something I wanted to know everything about. All I could give him though was that I would tell him anything that I learned that effected this Tribe as soon as I learned it.

I will be relieved when people stop asking me .. not because I do not wish to tell them ... but simply because I can not.

Jai and his mate joined us. Jai I know ... his mate was someone I had not met before. I do not know much about her.

All in all it was a pleasant visit. Ba'atar told me of a young bull who had escaped him as of yet .. and if I could actually get a rope on him and brand him he was mine. Now I do not need a new bosk any more than every Tuchuk can use a new bosk ... but this was more than a gift of a bosk .. this was something to test my strength against ... a challenge .. something to work for. A goal if you will to measure my recovery. I was pleased.

Something else came out of dinner this evening. In talk .. things ... things came up that evoked responses from me I am not sure what to do with or how to understand. Death .. bloodshed ... the art of war and torture is nothing new to me of course. But it is not something I make a part of my every day conversation. I usually find that those that do it the most talk about it the least. And in regards to dwellers I have never had a lot of emotion. They meant nothing to me. Nothing more than the animals who burrow and dwell within the earth.

However .. I have found things slipping from my mouth that are much more emotional about both than I ever remember feeling before. I hear myself talking but ... it does not seem like me. I must think about this .. I must introspect. I must understand before I see action following words with no understanding inbetween.

of mud and rain ..of deserts and beetles

I have been questioned a lot about the time I was gone. Unfortunately I do not have the answers. The dream .. was not enough. Not for three years. I know I was somewhere .. I do not know where. I even went to one of the Year Keepers .. because it was hard for me to believe I had been gone so long. But they only confirmed that everyone was right. Everyone but me. I do not know how to cope with looking at three years of pegs and in my head .. there is no room for it. No space to put it all. To me the space is small. A few days at most. Not a few years. Like cramming the contents of an entire wagon into one small chest.

Every time I try to think about it .. hash it all out and throw it down and brand it I just get more and more confused and frustrated. It is times when I am not thinking about it that things begin to slip through.

I have decided to call the place .. this place I can not remember. The desert. Not because I have any clue of what it actually is but more .. because I do not. The desert to me is place of nothing .. great expanses of sand ... very little else. And yet .. when you look closer you find the life that lives even there. Yes .. I think it is a good thing to call it.

Today I learned that of all the things I brought out of the desert with me .. my temper seems to be intact.

Figures.

I was speaking with the prospect to the First Wagons .. Noelani. Tricks .. slight of hand .. these things are like breathing to me and come easy. The beetle was a little different ... a little more thought and intent went into him. In a way it soothed my soul some to see him crawling around exploring the expanse of her skirt. We spoke of rain .. of soil ... of mud. We spoke of osts and women. She told me the "now" was more important than the past. I told her the past gave us the tools to problem solve the future. And my future needs a little problem solving. It is easy to speak of what you are willing to lose when you do not have so much to begin with. Now truth be told... I am not that much older than these girls .. in years. But I have a lot ... I had a lot. I want my life back. I feel like it has been taken away. And I probably do not mean the parts of my life you think I do. I at least want to know why. Why it was taken away from me.

Then she said something to me .. she asked me if I had truly asked why. That if I asked it .. honestly ... I might get an answer.

That is when my temper flared. It did not explode but it leaked a little and the ripple of it turned the brilliant green beetle to dust. I know what the answer is to that question. I do know why.

I felt bad .. a little guilty ... but it also felt good. Felt ... right. Felt like everything else in my life right now. A little gone.. a little bit dead. She stared at me for a long time .. not angry ... but she expected me to fix it. I wanted to fix it .. but what I said out loud was ..

... there are some things that can not be fixed.

yes .. of all the things I could have left behind in the desert ... my temper is certainly still with me.

old familiar friend

Solace. How many times have I gone to the steam looking for solace?

How many times have I gone to the stream looking for solace and not found it?

Ha

Today seems to be a day when my body decided to take over despite my best efforts to pay attention to those who gathered at the stream. Finding solace for me.

Many came and went and yet I kept dozing off. Catching my head nodding. Startled by my own deep even breathing. Sleeping is not something I do well .. especially sleeping in any kind of public venue. Today .. I shattered all my rules about that. Not intentionally .. mind you.

Even Ayg .. damn I forgot all ready. Even the big warrior brother of Ba'atar's warned me about sleeping around women. A thing I knew well indeed .. however the knowledge did not seem to stop the inevitable nodding off I kept doing.

I am ashamed of myself .. there was a time I took great pride in being able to speak to many people at once .. aware of each and every person around me. Today I am sure I left many wondering if I was even conscious. I suppose it was obvious that I was not .. but ... I will be more careful in the future.

I spoke to two prospects today. Two young girls doing their washing at the stream and taking the usual good natured .. or not ... ribbing from the First Wagons. Now I have noticed that no one uses names around prospects. Not just prospects to the Tribe but Tuchuk seeking their place at the First Wagons. This is not my way .. but I respect the changing customs and I will not use their names around the prospects. This I believe was more of a custom before I was Ubar and times have a way of returning and moving just as people do. Anyway .. as I said ... this is not my custom. Since my name is mine to use or not use as I see fit I gave the two Tuchuk girls my name. I fought hard and a lot of blood was shed in the earning of my name. My blood and other's. I am proud of it .. and I share it when I feel like sharing it.

Yamka .. a Leather Worker. Young from the outer wagons. She spoke well to me .. she spoke of her father and her mother and from her speech I am convinced they are proud strong Tuchuk who have raised her in the ways of respect. Initially I am pleased. Time will tell as always and honestly I am no longer the one she has to impress. But first impressions have left me with enough motivation that I will keep my eye on her out of interest in how she will do.

Noelani. Another Tuchuk miss who is seeking her place at the First Wagons. This girl is a Haruspex though. Interesting indeed. She told me Spiriit was training her. An honor. I told her so. But I also told her to find a blood and bone sponsor in the next three hands. Some of her answers to me were not what I would like to see in a Spex of the Tuchuk. But she is young and shows promise that will blossom I believe under a strict teacher.

All in all my time today was much as many other times I have found at the stream. People .. friends. New acquaintances. Even sleep among the chuckling water .. deep grass ... and endless Sky.

Solace.

Back to .. Basics

This morning I went in search of Pacu .. Oren and her family. They had moved their wagons back to the furthest rows where I had met them. I suppose they saw their place at the First Wagons due to me and if I was not there ... they were more useful elsewhere. I have no doubt those of the First Wagons would have treated them well .. but I am not unfamiliar with the pride of Oren or Pacu so I am not surprised.

As usual they treated me like I had never left. Like I had been riding with Pacu yesterday and eating Astar's stew the night before... arguing with Oren about verr. If there was any difference in how they treated me .. there was perhaps a little more stew in my bowl .. perhaps a softer clap on my shoulder from Pacu than usual .. A sharper glance from Oren ... but otherwise it was as if I never left. They never asked me where I had been.

Oren .. looks older. I did not think that was possible but her eyes are a little less dark and a little more glassy ... but I am not foolish enough to test her. Her mind seems as sharp as ever it was.

After food and bosk milk .. after Oren left to the verr herd and Astar began the chores of cleaning up and preparing the next meal ... I sat with Pacu and we spoke of my herd. My herd. Not the bosk that were mine for the position of Ubar .. but my own built up from when I got my first courage scar. My kaiila .. bred with specific care by the Kaiila Clan from my own beasts. Each one was taken with my power .. my own hands had provided. These things .. all of my possessions were kept and had flourished under Pacu's hand. I was very grateful for he had his own family and his own herds to care for. He gave me details on breeding .. numbers. I had not done too badly though it seemed there had been a great loss in the recent move North. A loss though that was shared by many Tuchuk and not just I.

No one had ridden Kai .. the kaiila ... or Rocca. It took be awhile to get them used to the idea I was back. A while that left its mark on me and by the time I was done I was as tired as I could ever remember being tired. But it was a good tired.

The kind of tired that left a man feeling as if he had accomplished something. Done something real. Put another mark on the things that he was building for himself and those that he would care for. Dust .. sweat ... bosk piss... kaiila spit ... blisters and leather burns. For a man that has been through what I have .. there is no better medicine than to get back to basics.

Touch

Now .. there is the strangest thing since I have returned. I have not dreamt. When I sleep I sleep the sleep of dead. Not even normal dreams .. let alone my kind of dreams.

But this morning I woke with the feeling I should have been dreaming. Good dreams. Lingering touch on my skin. A touch I have not felt in a long ... long time. A touch more intense than I can say.

My skin has been oiled. It seems to have soaked up the salve like parched ground soaks up the first seasonal drops of rain. A slave?

A strand of hair remains in my palm.

Did I reach for her?

Why did she leave?

Was she real? or a dream ...

the Fire in her eyes

I could not sleep. The floor was too hard. The fur was too soft. It was too quiet in my wagon. It was too noisy outside. It was too dark .. there was too much light from the stars.

You get the idea.

I tossed and turned for a while. Cursing my aching bones that seemed to stick out from my skin all over. This way it was my shoulder .. that way it was my hip ...

I was lonely. Ridiculous .. how many nights had I spent in this wagon alone and I was fine. This is how it always was. There were more nights alone in this wagon than there ever had been with anyone else.

Did not matter. The fur was still too soft and the floor was still too hard ..I wanted to talk to someone about T'zuri. I did not want anyone to ask me of her.. I wanted to remember each moment .. but I did not want to think about her ... need I go on ...

So I finally gave up and shoved fingers back through the length of my hair. A slow exhale before I ducked back out of my flaps and wandered off down the lanes between the wagons.

Figured I might as well go see what maggot had possessed Silken .. taken over her body and polluted her brain with worm like attributes. I hoped she was still up .. and pleasantly surprised to find her at her fires.

She looked good as usual .. a little rough around the edges but ... as a Tuchuk I find that attractive. We spoke a little .. she was reticent ... as she had been at the fires. I told her Tarra mentioned she and Shi were mated again. That I was supposed to remember that but .. I told her I did not. She told me how it had come about. She knew I supported her and would not judge her for her decisions .. and yet she seemed a little defensive about the whole thing. At least at first .. she appeared to calm down when she realized I was not there to be opinionated about her personal life.

She finally shared with me why she had been acting so strange. Now I understand it for the most part and the parts I do not I figure have to do with her being female and me being male. Those parts that I never understand no matter how hard I try. She gave me some things to eat that would help my stomach accept the food a little better .. a little faster. And she gave me tea.. kaiila piss. Nasty shit. Do not see a bit of use for it .. but it did help. Not that I will admit it. That would be too much.

She hugged me .. kissed me on the cheek. Took me off guard. No matter how many women I rape and slaves I fuck ... still a woman kissing my cheek can confuse the hell out of me. About that time Ba'atar approached her fires. I was pleased and welcomed the interruption because ..well I was all twisted up and off my groove. The two of them needed to talk anyway. And they did .. with a little persuasion on my part. Just a little .. that was all that was needed. At least she spoke up .. said some of the things on her mind. Now it did not get her far but that really was not the point .. the point was she needed do the saying of it. She needed to step up and stop the load of boskshit that was slipping between her lips.

It was good to see Ba'atar and I had a chance to get a good look at him while he was speaking to Silken. He looks older .. older than three years should do to a man ... but I guess the position will do that. It always does. But he looks good .. strong. The lines of decision etched around his eyes and his mouth all ready .. making him look like a grown up warrior. I was proud to see it. Meant a lot to me .. especially since he was the Ubar now.

Silken and I spoke for a bit longer after Ba'atar left. It was good to say some of the things built up in me. Some of the things I had not said to anyone yet. We both spewed a little bile and felt better for it. A few moments of mutual understanding. Valued above so many other trivial things. I can say that before I left I saw some of that fire I remembered in her eyes. It was good to see.

Milk .. Some Good Moo

Now most everyone knows my favored drink is fresh warm bosk milk. Everyone .. well that was a long time ago.

Do you know how hard it is to wrap your head around the fact that people have lived for three years and to you it feels like a day or two?

Everyone used to know my favored drink is fresh warm bosk milk. Nothing better .. strained of anything that does not belong of course.

I had the slaves trained to bring it to me perfectly. Wooden cup. Fresh from the bosk. Presented with a little style.

It is good to be home. It is good to hear the low sounds of the bosk. The smells ... the warmth of the fires and the voices of a million people all Tuchuk. Hot blooded and ready to live every bit of their lives with the do or die courage we are known for.

But if I had to pick one thing .. that I am the most thankful for right now. I think it is this simple bowl of fresh warm bosk's milk.

Time around the Fire

It was late when I finally moved. My body aching as much for not moving as it had been for moving too much for too long. I was better for the bathing though and feeling a little more alive. Of course feeling a little more alive had given me a serious case of the blues. All that dusty emptiness around me.

I dressed .. well ... I draped my clothes on my body .... looking rather pitifully lost in them. Cinched my belt up tight and wrapped the extra leather around me. And there was a lot of extra leather.

The Central Fire had spent itself when I ducked through the flaps of my wagon and still the light seemed to stab at my eyes watering them up a little. The press of all those bosk .. all those people. My people .. just a lot more of them than I was used to. Made my chest feel heavy .. but it was still a comfort even if I felt like I could not breathe.

I made my way to the fire. My walk is a little like a shuffle/stride/swagger sort of thing. Long on shuffle and short on swagger yet. But give it a little time.

Tarra was at the fires. I crouched down near the warmth. Easy conversation. Easy except that my voice sounds odd to my ears. I started asking questions. Not sure that was self preserving of me. The answers were hard to swallow. Harder to wrap my head around. So much had changed .. so much was different. Some were good .. some where just different ... others .... well those were the hard ones. The ones that hurt the most and left me kind of breathless. Like I had been punched in the stomach. I felt it all the way down.

We were talking of people .. of new faces around the fire. Of old faces and how they were when Silken came within the light and took a lean on a wagon wheel. Now I have seen her do that before .. but ... she seemed a little different this time. Was it really different or was it just me?

Well she asked me if I had seen a healer .. and I told her I had seen Falon ... and now I had seen her. Counts in my opinion. was not like I had any holes I was leaking out of.

She said no .. had I been checked over. I told her there was a kajira that morning ....

She said checked over .. not checked out.

oh

Then she wandered off with a "you should see a healer Fonce" and that was it.

No .. I mean really. That was it.

I began to wonder if I was still stuck in a dream somewhere because that was not Silken. At least the Silken I remembered. Though I had been gone a long time .. so Tarra said. Hm.

Cana showed up and got me some milk .. and a basket with honey cakes and honey nuts. I was feeling pretty spoiled about then. But when I turned around to take the basket to my steps I realized my wagon was not where it used to be ... now you would think I would just go right back to it figuring I just left it. But habits it seems are hard to break and it took me a bit to find my wagon again. This was going to take some time.

A big Tuchuk came to the fires. A commander named Ayguili. I had heard of him .. Ba'atar's brother. Second in command. I am never .. not ever going to remember that name. He does not seem to speak much. Not long on conversation.

I told him I had heard of him .. he said he had heard of me too. I told him that actually did not surprise me and I said it with a dry chuckle.

He said .. "nothing bad and I see you have returned"

Nothing bad? Now that actually did surprise me. I told him that yes .. yes I had returned or so it seemed by all accounts .. most of me ... some of me ....

Cana told me she would wait a couple of days for me to gain some strength before she would chase me around with a spoon.

I told her that was terribly sporting of her .. but it made me suspicious.

Ayguili .. kudos to me for remembering the name .... was confused about the spoon thing. I asked him if he had not ever had her chase him around with a spoon? Brother/sister sort of thing? right?

He said no.

I said .. a pot?

He shook his head.

I asked him if the two of them spoke much?

He said .. not much.

I said well that would explain a lot .. had me worried perhaps Cana liked him better.

I could see my humor had gotten lost in the translation somewhere ... so I chuckled at myself.

Finding myself such good company I decided to take myself off and put myself to bed. Seemed all I could do was sleep lately. Drink broth and sleep. Drink broth and sleep and talk about who was not sleeping with me in my wagon any more.

Empty

What is it with this inability I have to keep track of time? When I woke I could not tell if it had been a few ahn or a few days. Well aside from the fact there was not an hort of mold growing on the greasy remains in my bowl.

I could feel the emptiness around me. It was so much nothing I thought it would suffocate me. I was not sure why .. but I knew she was not here. Had not been here for a long time. It left me missing a whole lot. I had not realized how much of my insides had been packed full of her. It did not seem fair .. but then what in my life had been? What in the life of any Tuchuk was fair? I was not the first to lose someone. Was not the first someone I had lost. Still... seemed like more nothing than I had been forced to deal with in a long time .. perhaps ever.

Prying my eyes open .. coals had gone cold. I was debating whether or not I should spend the energy to get up and light it again when I small form shoved its way through the flaps of my wagon. It was the first indication to me that I had been gone a lot longer than I thought. No one .. shoves their way into my wagon especially little tiny someone's with steel around their necks. Good way to die. Where was Yaz anyway? Not only did the thing come in she drug a big bucket of steaming water behind her across the floor wrinkling up the thick furs that covered it. Not that I minded the view during this procedure. The only thing that would have improved it was a bigger bucket and a little more feminine grunting.

I had never seen her before .. thus her entering my wagon as if she could and live .. I assumed. She was slightly built .. she looked to be Turian. Long silk black hair slid over her shoulders like a delicate curtain. When she turned around and glanced to me I could see the shock of what she saw in her deep brown eyes. Very big eyes that seemed to take up most of her small face.

She was going to bathe me. Now there was a real invasion of my personal space. And yet .. for a few moments ... my wagon was much less

.... empty.

I can not seem to .. think

This morning .. or I should say afternoon ... I woke with my head all stuffed full of mist. But my water bota and my bowl of stew were still with me. I must have just fallen on my face and passed out. I rolled over and found my jar of honey. Things were looking up.

The water tastes good .. it is cool and clear and eases my throat ... soaking into my tongue so it does not feel like a thick stick in my mouth. The stew is congealed and the fat is a waxy cover but I do not mind .. it seems forever since I tasted anything so good.

My hair is hard matted with blood and dirt .. I need a bath. But I woke in the cold .. shivering as I pulled my furs around me and started the fire in the bowl. I can tell by the feel of my wagon that no one has been in it for some time. It feels like it has been a long time .. a really long time ... but it could not be that long.

If I could just clear this mist from my head. If I could just think .. I know all this would make some sense to me. It seems a great task just to drink a little water and swallow a little stew. I need a bath .. I keep coming back to that but I am still cold through and a dip in the stream is just not something I am all that motivated to do.

The light from the small fire is a comfort .. it seems to chase the worst of the shadows from my wagon. Warding off some of the cold that seems to have gripped me from the inside out. As I reach to put another chip into the coals I am caught staring at my hand .. it does not seem to be my hand. It is strange looking to me .. so broken and raw. Covered in a crusty shell of bloody mud. I suppose that is what I look like all over.

If I could just pull my thoughts together. I know that I would not be so confused. I know that I would understand why my wagon is empty. I know that I would understand why T'zuri is not here to greet me. I know that I would understand why I feel the way I do. I know that I would understand it all .. that it would all finally make sense and .. it would be all right again. I know there is some simple explanation for everything ... I just can not seem to figure it out.

I curled up in my fur as close to the fire as I could get and let my tired eyes close again. Perhaps when I wake up the mists will clear. My thoughts will be mine again. Everything will make sense as it should.

A Stew .. Revisited

Sometimes it is the simplest things that keep a man going. Like bosk .. or the face of someone that is important to you. I missed my new mate .. my Boots .. T'zuri. I missed her voice.. her singing... and the way she had of splitting my brain in two between strangling her and kissing her. I can not wait to see her. I can not wait to smell her hair .. I can not quite remember what it smelled like. I know though that as soon as I see her I will remember. It plagues me .. that I can not remember.

I do not recall much about my arrival. The entire thing is somewhat vague to me now. I do remember sitting at the fire with Cana and Falon and Rook. Cana brought me a bowl of stew .. made me remember another bowl of stew. She has always been there for me when I needed a friend the most. Friends with stew .. the best kind of friends to have.

They made a bit of a fuss about me .. not sure why. Other than I will admit I am not looking myself yet .. but that will change with time and ... lots of food. I asked about T'zuri .. but no one would talk to me about her. Last night I wanted to talk .. to ask ... to dig into the looks cast between them a little more but I was too tired.

Rook said something about sleep .. sounded good to me. My wagon .. my furs .. sleep.

So Bring me Incense Gold and Myrrh

... actually .. a nice fat bosk steak will do just fine.

Now I have always been a man with little against walking. Kept my soil legs under me more than most .. but truly there is little more pathetic than a plainsman on the plains without his kaiila. It just is not natural.

But that was the least of my worries. I was hungry .. thirsty ... looking at me seemed there just was not much left. A bit of sinew and skin hanging on some big bones is all. My eyes were dark and sunk into my skull as if they were hiding out there instead of interested in what I was facing. My lips dry and broken .. chapped and raw. My fingers worn to the bone in places .. my leathers mostly gone .. perhaps I had eaten them. I sure did not present myself well .. to anyone's standards. Especially the most fierce prideful people on the plains. I was Tuchuk .. not some withered hole dwelling excuse for a human ... would have been better if my appearance had matched my thoughts.

It was not long before the lack of food and water took hold of me and I was stumbling around in a fevered daze. I think I followed a little bug for a while .. weird. Hard to tell which way I was going .. as the moons gave way to the Central Fire I thought for sure it was a crazy fool thing that a man could go from freezing to death to heat stroke in such a short time.

I worried some about being a walking meal .. smelling of blood I was bait for anything that was hungry and on the plains that was a terrible list of critters that could do with a fresh slab of meat ... no matter how scrawny and thin it had become .. just made it easier to kill. What those critters did not know is that I was hungry enough to eat them .. I was just not sure I had the strength left in me to do it.

Sky only knows how long I stumbled around like that under the Central Fire. Sky only knows why I was not made a meal of .. I suppose there are things left for me to do yet.

I was in such a daze that I never saw that meaty shoulder before it knocked me clear off my feet onto my back .. a slow wheeze of air forced from my lungs and I coughed trying to get them to fill up again as my eyes attempted to find focus. Hot breath washed over my face and the stench was like nothing I could ever explain .. well ... yes actually I could. It was a stench I was very familiar with ... or had been in another life it seemed. About that time a thick rough triangular tongue washed all over my face and I gagged and rolled over spitting kaiila drool. That big head nudged me and I felt a rib crack as I was tossed over like a child's rag doll. Poor beast had no idea he was near killing me with his curiosity. I got my shaking legs underneath me and waved a hand around till I found his big ugly maw and grabbed hold of his cheek and hauled myself upright .. finding myself looking strait into the most beautiful ugly kaiila I had seen in some time.

Tal Ciegue.

I do not think I was ever more happy to see an ugly kaiila in my life. And I would hate to think of a time in the future to outdo this one. I wrapped my fist up in his mane of hair until I was well tied into it .. enough that I might have to cut myself out of it even. Did not trust my strength enough to haul myself onto his back. Give him credit he seemed to know I needed to be among the humans for he turned and set off as if he knew where he was going and why. I stumbled along as best I could .. him dragging me along when I could not .. listening to his big paws as they thudded upon the plains grass .. it soothed my soul and gave my heart a rhythm to beat to.