You remind me of the babeWhat babe? babe with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the babe
-David Bowie
I have had a bur up my ass since the other day at the fires with blue. Still have it stuck in my craw sideways and though I am rather good at hiding it for most ... once in awhile it gets hard to swallow.
Now some people know I am all bent out of shape about it .. and some do not. No one seems to mind much that I am and I guess that is all right. No rule in the Tuchuk that says someone has to care. Most times when I try to talk about what it is that riles me up and pets me backwards ... people get so defensive they do not listen to me so I just let it die a natural slow death.
But I guess my whole point is .. it is not dead yet.
So it tends to flavor a lot of my conversations with people. Here and there a bit of apathy slips in when usually I am more than willing to give something a little more personal.
I spoke to Tarra of Isu and learned she was willing to sponsor her. That is a big step for Isu .. I hope she is grateful for the time and effort that Tarra is taking. I do not know much about Isu myself .. when I went to speak to her after her sending word to me .. she had a previous engagement with Tarra. I still do not know what it is she needed from me but it can obviously wait until the time is right for her.
I teased Ina a little .. she has come out of her uptight shell a little. It is good to see and I can not help but mess with it sometimes. I had to stop though because I gave Cana my word I would try to be good. Yes I did say ... try.
She asked to talk to me .. Cana did ... and I stepped aside with her. Leaning up against wheel that has started to grow a dent from my shoulder. She asked me if I realized that Leonette did not know I was her guardian. Well that was a silly question but obviously one that needed asking just to let me know ... because if I did know I would have remedied that .. but I did not know so it is good someone told me. I want to know how she could not know .. but that is redundant at this point because all that matters is she .. needed to know.
I told Cana I would change her guardianship if that was a problem .. Cana said she would just let Leonette talk to her and then Cana could talk to me. Sounded silly. Actually I think the word I used was insane .. but I also added that I had little choice so it would have to do ... for now.
She said she thought it was probably hard for her .. Leonette ... because she still felt like a slave around me perhaps. I told Cana whatever was best for her was what I was all about. She said Leonette was surprised that the subject of a bride price was even a subject that would relate to herself. I told Cana that the basis for a bride price is not virginity .. though that can be a major part of the expense .. it is not always an issue. Many women are mated to more than one man. High mortality rate in the life we lead around here. Though I imagine that thought was a new one to her .. probably would have a lot of new thoughts in the days to come and I said so.
She asked me how I was .. me ... personally. Well this is where the wheel meets the grass and we see just how good the leather is. I asked her why she wanted to know .. I always do that if I suspect someone will not like my answer. She said she cared and asked me if that was allowed. Well .. yes actually. I told her I was offended. That I got my feelings hurt. That it was not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but .. it did mean I was not going to be real personal around fires till my fur settled.
She apologized .. which was not what I was looking for actually. Though the words were nice to hear. Like salve on an infected cut. Now Cana and I do not actually agree on what happened that night. But the reason I left that talk with Cana feeling better was ... she listened to me. Actually listened to me and did not let my feelings get her all defensive and riled up. I was allowed to have feelings. Even if they did not match hers .. she just allowed me to be upset about it and did not try to fix it .. just made sure I knew she had meant nothing personal and that she was indeed sorry if anything she had done had added to that feeling. And that was all I needed. Took all that fuel right out of my fire and left me cooler and calmer.
Now that bur is still there but it is fading fast. I do not think of it every time I am at the fires now and I even forgot it for a while there. I guess I should have known that of all my friends and acquaintances at the main fires that Cana would be the one to talk to about it. That feminine calm quality that just gives that little boy in me the idea that it is all going to be all right and .. here ... I know it hurt but eat this cookie and go take a nap and things will look better afterwards.
I know better .. but it does not take the pleasure out of hearing it.
