Frayed ..But Not Broken

The next day I was summoned to the Ubar's wagon. I came as a respectful warrior .. not as second in command .. not as Oralu ... and not as Fonce. I came merely as a Tuchuk warrior hearing and obeying a command given to me.

After all my venting I was not as angry. But there was a distant coldness about me. A coldness that a few know very well .. and a few more are about to learn. I can be an arrogant egotistical selfish prideful asshole.

Sometimes .. all at once.

I had every intention of listening to the Ubar and not getting involved in anything he had to say. What could he say to me now? Would he simply repeat himself proving to me again I had trusted him in vain? Would he apologize to me and expect me to wipe what I had learned of him away and start over? I wanted neither from him. I wanted nothing .. from him. There was no going back for me and I had every intention of simply obeying and not ever allowing him to be privy to my thoughts on the entire thing. I had no intention of letting him have any clue how hurt and angry I was. Not because he had not given me what I wanted .. but for how he had treated me when I would have been satisfied with a simple .. no.

Best laid plans ... I hate it when people are sincere with me. It makes me .. respond ... and shit.

fuck

He said we needed to talk.

huh

Then he asked me if I had a mind to. I told him I had been all about talking .. and I could still be. Not that I intended to talk much .. at all.

"Good. Now, the Ubar will talk first, then I hope the friend can talk. You have sat where I am right now, so I think you know that it is not an easy place to be sometimes. I am a man, and I make my share of mistakes. I will bungle things with the best of them, and I found myself, wanting to make sense out of something, that there was no real sense to, if you can understand that. And in doing that, I think I let the Ubar get in the way of the friend. It can be a hard balance to find. In my effort to be fair to everyone, I think I lost sight of our goal to help Seveya. And I was rude, and for that I want to apologize."

There was nothing in his statement that touched me. It was much how I expected it to be. The initial attempt to connect me to his own actions by mentioning the shared position. To garner my empathy .. make me feel what he felt and then to bring me to his own understanding of how things went. To apologize to me for letting his position get in the way of his friendship with me .. retaining his respect as Ubar .. "forgive me Fonce ... the position is heavy on my shoulders .. blame it on the position .. I was just doing my job". It was an empty apology. It was crafted .. was I not and had I not been a Black Mask for how many years? Was I not aware of this tactic? And it is a tactic and it works .. works very well ... with most people. But I am not most people. I have used this too many times to worm my way like a hungry maggot through rotted flesh into the mind of someone I want answers from. But he left a small bit of bait at the end .. and I took it.

"You were rude? I would like to understand what you are apologizing to me for." As if he could .. since I had yet to hear an apology.

"I don't think I gave you the respect that you deserved, and maybe I didn't listen like I should have."

huh

Was that sincerity?

"No .. that is true ... you did not give me respect as an Oralu .. or as second in command and you certainly gave me nothing as a friend."

fuck if I did not start to respond to it.

"And that is what I am apologizing for, as Ubar. Now, as a friend. I screwed up, and I know it. I cannot put it any simpler than that."

Simple is always better.

There was a glimpse of the man I thought I had known there .. the man I had considered my friend. And it all just started to spill out of my mouth. And there was a lot to spill. Some of it was valid .. some of it was foam .. I am such a sucker for sincerity.

"You made me impotent for a man who is not only recently returned from the dwellers .. but has for the last three days acted like a jilted lover over his niece and set huge fires in the middle of the Harigga to burn all his things. You trimmed my ears in front of him and for him and I was the one trying to talk to him and make this right. right now I am not sure I want this command .. because I do not seem to even have a command. And that is not even getting to the part where you would not take my word as a friend. We are just on the part where you stripped me of all my respect and command .. and I do not see what for .. or why you would do that to me especially in front of a lunatic .. and then command me as Ubar to show him respect that I was actually showing him .. in the face of him refusing to show me respect as a man let alone as an Oralu or second in command of this entire Harigga. "

He winced .. "I know. In all of the time I have known you, not once have you ever given me cause to doubt your word or your honor. I think the whole situation simply overwhelmed me, and I did the wrong thing, and said all of the wrong things."

huh .. well yes .. yes he did. More sincerity? Bastard.

When are you going to back me up .. when are you going to make some pussy ego having crazy man respect an Oralu let alone your second in command?"

"I made a mistake. Can you understand how I came to that? I guess that I had hoped that there was some equity to this all, but I know now there was not. In Karvek, I was dealing with a man that I now think, is not exactly of his right mind, and to be very honest, I am not sure that I want him in this camp, and around the innocents. Hindsight, is often much better than looking at something the first time."

How easily we lose the ground we have so recently attained.

"I do not care what you knew or did not know because you supposedly knew one thing for sure .. you knew my honor .. you knew my word ... and you knew I was worth giving Oralu to and even second in command to. You knew that .. you knew he was not a commander .. you knew he was even new here from the land of dwellers and you knew he was a freak wagon burning psycho. That part .. you knew when it got started. No .. I do not know how you came to make this mistake Ubar .. unless you never believed in me from the beginning when you gave me my command and made me second only to you."

"And that is not the truth. There is not a man in this entire camp that I trust any more than I do you. But for a moment, I was blinded by trying to work something out, and made huge mistakes. I have worried over this ever since we all parted, and I am heartsick over what I have done."

"I .. can not understand how you could be blinded so easily by a mad man .. Ubar." I did not have a hort to give him. I did not possess one. Not about this. I had to trust him .. I had to trust him with my life and the lives of my people. I needed him to either answer for this or I had to walk away.

I think, it is because when he and I talked, he showed no signs of it. He was calm, reasonable and I mistook that for his wanting to work things out. I was wrong. You ever make a mistake, Fonce? One you regretted?"

Here we go again ...

"I can not say I have ever not trusted my commanders .. I would rather make a mistake in their favor than choose an outsider over them. I have my own best interests at heart .. if I am going to make a mistake I make it for them ... not against them. I do not care if he made the best song and dance you everheard or have ever seen I deserved respect from him .. and I deserved you to make him respect me ... instead I got your disrespect on top of it."

"You are right. There is nothing more that I can say, other than that. I made a mistake, stepped the wrong way, and I am trying to find a way to step back in line."

But I was all wound up again and not done venting.

"I am angry as all fucking hell over this not to mention .. why am I the only one concerned for this girl when you are supposed to be her guardian and he is her fucking uncle? I think he has got some sick twisted need ** ***** ******* ** *** because I have never seen a man act like that over his own family unless he was. That aside .. I will not allow you or anyone else to hurtthis girl or make her believe she is a bad person because she made a simplemistake. She is paying for it .. and by the Sky you should understand making a mistake."

"Finally, something we agree on. But I do have one thing to say in all of this. Why did the two of you not come to me, talk to me before it got to the point she felt she had to do what she did?"

Seriously?

"How the hell was I supposed to know she was going to do what she did before she did it? And .. by the Sky I understand why she did not trust you because I am having trouble doing so myself right now. As for her uncle .. she was right. And you have not been seen since she did it .. until I got a hold of you and you dismissed me to talk to Karvek."

"You are right. So, you no longer trust me, does this mean you think that I no longer am able to lead our people?"

I have on patience for defeatism especially in the face of me giving my time and energy and thoughts on a subject. I did not want my loyalty questioned yet again in the face of me accusing him of .. questioning it. If I did not feel he was capable of being Ubar I would never have vented my thoughts to him and given him a chance to make it right with me. I do not think anyone will ever quite .. understand me.

"You can pull your Ubar card and lead them .. whether or not you can earn the respect of your men .. I have some doubts unless you pull something out that counteracts yesterday. No man will trust a leader who turns on them on the first sign of idiocy and you can get all fired up about my words .. you can get mad at me .. but you owe me. You owe me respect .. you owe me apologies .. you owe me trust. That is how you will earn mine back."

"So where do we go from here?"

But I was still too angry about the question of my loyalty again and whether or not I thought he was fit to be Ubar.

"You tell me .. what do you want from me? You want me to step down .. you can have Karvek in my place. Or do you want me to do what I do .. are you going to back me up? Are you going to show me and everyone else that I am trusted and respected as Oralu and second in command? What do those positions mean to you? Am I a lap sleen you can whistle for and then whip at your leisure? Or am a man with power .. given to me by another man who believes I deserve that kind of power and respect?"

"I tell you what I want. I want this poor woman that I know is in turmoil over this entire situation, to be instilled back to her place at the first fires. I want to be allowed to be her guardian again, and to have the trust of not only her, but of you. I want for her to feel safe and secure, and I want to stand beside you both in the days ahead that we all know are going to be difficult. Perhaps in doing that, I can regain a part of your trust. As for you, all I can say is that I made a mistake, and I still trust you with my life, and the life of every man, woman and child in this camp."

That stopped me .. dead in my tracks. Sincerity. Protectiveness .. words about someone else that needed both of us to work together. It was what I had been after in the first place. It was what I had sought for and expected from him. My hurts no longer felt so important or so big. This is all I wanted. It was everything I needed. I set down all my shields and weapons .. to not do so would have been to sacrifice the one person I was all wound up about in the entire thing. Sacrifice her for my own ego .. which was not my intent or inclination. My ego can take a few blows .. it is rather large and healthy.

I accepted the hand offered to me. Without reserve. The trust between Ayguili and I was tested .. frayed ... but not broken. Ayguili and I put our heads together at that point and began to plot and plan for her well being. Not because she had not made mistakes .. but in spite of them. And what followed was the business of men .. as they discussed the future of a woman.

The One Person Who Believes..In Me

So stop whining Fonce. They are not going to help you. Pull up your big boy pants and fuck them and the kaiila they rode in on. You do not need them. You do not need their fears.. doubts and hatred to make this any harder than it will be. You will do the best you can and stand on your own two feet and give it all you have and .. come what may. You always do. Set aside your bitterness and anger .. set aside the bile you had to swallow before it builds again and eats away at the backside of your teeth. It is not worth it. Did you learn nothing from the verr?

Verr? It was Oren .. Oren's voice inside my head. The verr comment gave it away even if the "fuck them" kind of threw me off. Oren .. you sly sleen.

HA .. I amuse myself.

Someone telling you not to be angry and bitter does not just make that bile go away though. Even if it is their voice all ready inside your head. It just does not happen that easily or quickly. But the words had implanted themselves like seeds .. I could get through this. I could not only get through this .. I could get through this without hating either Karvek or Ayguili. I do not always set myself up for such lofty goals .. kudos to me.

I want my cookie.

Oren .. that is exactly who I needed and I strode back towards my wagons with a purpose. I am sure Seveya saw that particular stride coming and I bet she knew it was all about purpose. There was still a fair amount of bitter anger displayed in my expression and in the set of my shoulders. Fair being a word I use loosely. They say that scars hide expressions .. figured my scars were doing a poor job of it this day. They just had to be. I grabbed her hand and drug her off with me. With .. being a word I use loosely.

She was with me about like a wagon is with a team of psychotic runaway bosk with their tails on fire.

I do not even remember all the things I said to her. All that fell out of my mouth. I am sure it was not mature or good or right or well thought out. It just .. was. It was all the foam spilling over the side as the situation whipped my temper into a fury. If I knew I was going to be on my own with this .. I could have set this whole thing up days ago. Natural consequences for breaking my own rule .. do not rely on others.

Somewhere on the way she must have said or done something because she ended up being thrown over my shoulder. I am missing a few pieces of the whole thing. The in and out of my temper and my strain to control it. It finally soaked into my brain she was asking what the outcome of my talk with the Ubar was. I told her she was free. Ironically as I slung her body over my shoulder and drug her around without her consent. She was .. sort of ... free. Free to do what I wanted her to do at the moment while I did the things that were in her best interest.

smirk

She asked me why I was angry. Did I not want this? Well of course I wanted this .. had I not spoken to her of it? Had I not gotten her word she would not resubmit for at least three hands ... giving me a chance to make her feel safe enough to make her choice with no fear? Why was she asking me that now? Probably because she had no idea why I was so pissed off ..

huh

I presented her to Oren. Right there at her fires. As if I was not barging in and interrupting everything with my own selfish needs and demands. At this point I dared her to align herself with everyone else and stand against me. She usually takes the fight right out of me and this instance was no different. She did not stand with me .. she did not stand against me ... she did not even act surprised as I dropped off some woman at her fires in a temper. She acted as if I did this sort of thing all the time and simply went about being Oren. Sucked all the bile and piss right out of me. For the moment.

"Oren this is Sev.." But I never even got the rest of her name out.

"I know who this is, Fonce, stop stomping around and hush for a moment while I get the child comfortable." Then she proceeded to do just that and bustled up a cup of tea for her. I could smell it. Obnoxious stuff. Meant to calm nerves. And she gave it to Seveya .. I was the one that needed it

... damn it.

"Now Fonce .. tell me what is going on and try to do so without your foul language .. if at all possible."

No foul language? What happened to the "fuck them and the kaiila they rode in on"? Wait .. that was my version of Oren. I opened my mouth to speak but then I had to mentally back up a few spaces .. like a day or two worth of spaces. fuck.

"Seveya submitted to me." huh .. probably should have backed up a few spaces more.

"That's nice, Fonce .. and?"

I squinted at her.. then I grunted. "And I think it was a bad idea." Why did Oren always make me feel like I was two. I think I will sick Oren on Karvek. This idea entertained me in the back of my mind.

"I see. You do not wish the child? Why not send her back to her guardian?""Yes .. no ... I do not want her like that."

"On her knees?"

"No .. yes ... Sky damn it Oren ... she did it because she was afraid her uncle would mate her off to some Tummit guy who does not deserve her."

I tried to tell her about that afternoon .. my talk with Ayguili and Karvek but it all came out upside down and backwards and with a lot of bad words. All she did was tell me to watch how I spoke of our Ubar. I called him a nasty name .. called his parentage into question. Told Oren both the Ubar and Karvek sucked at protecting anyone. Probably inferred a few things about their sexual preferences .. might not have even been within our species. In my defense .. it was all very creative.

Oren cut through it all and told me I should have brought Seveya to her earlier .. that I was remiss. But that all was well .. the child was here and she would be fine. Sucked all the fight right out of me .. still had a few creative things to say about Ayguili and Karvek though. That one was definitely out of our species .. not even close.

Oren told me to get Seveya a wagon and all the things she would need. I apologized to Oren for not bringing Seveya to her first. For being selfish and arrogant. Oren patted me on my arm and told me not to mind it .. that we would make the best of it now.

I was finding I was rather empty inside without all my anger .. and then Catch arrived with some of Seveya's things. A skirt .. some boots. I got mad all over again. Yelled at Catch to return the things to Karvek. This time all the creative sexual positions preferred by Ayguili and Karvek involved forest creatures. I thought that was exceptionally creative and felt wronged when no one even reacted. I worked hard on that one .. damn it.

I think it was the forest creatures .. Oren left with a swish of her heavy leather skirting and went about preparing a place for Seveya for the night .. to speak to the Artisan Clan .. and do all the things I knew she would do for me. All the reasons I brought Seveya here in the first place. I knew Oren would have the answers and make me feel like I was two .. in the way a mother does. The kind of two where someone is going to take care of things for me .. better than I can ... do it the right way and I can just go eat my cookie and take a nap and know it is all in good hands. That kind of two.

I needed someone to believe in .. I needed someone to believe in me. I needed some of my faith restored. I needed someone to just take my word and without patronizing me .. give me some credit for all I have been and all I am and for what I was trying to do without lecturing me. Well .. save for my detailed descriptions about sexual liaisons with forest creatures. That lecture I expected .. and wanted. Made me feel safe and warm and ... home.

I apologized to Seveya for not getting her all the things I thought she deserved. For being impotent in my position. She told me she risked it all for a reason and she would make new memories and new things. I told her I did not think that was fair. Seveya is much more mature than I am.

Although I am not done testing that .. I have a few things up my sleeve.

She asked me why the Ubar would not protect her. I told her he had not said he would not protect her. I told her he had wanted me to present and parade her for questioning and I would not do so. I would not submit her to the accusations being slung about by both men. I did not have to. The Ubar had demanded I bring Seveya for questioning. He had that right .. but he would do so in the presence of her guardian. A guardian who cared about her as a person. I explained my anger to her .. as best I could. The entire thing leaving me empty inside once again.

I never wanted this entertainer's drama to sweep through the Harigga. In fact it was my very attempts to avoid it that got me in this mess in the first place. I never wanted to feel so protective of Seveya .. but the fact remains I am ferociously so now. I never wanted to be backed into a corner .. fighting for what I believed to be right against my own friends .. but I suppose if they were my friends I would not have to do so. I never wanted Seveya to be free .. I wanted to keep her right there where she was safe and I could possess her. I never wanted Seveya to be a slave. Where anyone and their sleen can lay their hands on her and I have to nod and say .. that is the way of things.

I am no better off today knowing what I want than I was yesterday. I know more about what I do not want though .. and today Seveya is safe with Oren and I know she will be taken care of.

There is that.

Someone..Help...Me

When I finally found Ayguili I wanted to speak to him .. not as my Ubar but as Seveya's guardian and my friend. Not that I ever forget his position .. but I did not want to speak to the position. I wanted to speak to Ayguili .. the man. Did I have to? Fuck no. I wanted to. There was no letter of the law that said I had to .. no ... this was adherence to my own rules. The spirit of the law.

I was ignorantly blind. I had placed faith where I had not even realized I placed faith. I had assumed where there was to be no reward for that assumption. I hate it when I do that. I hate it when I am believing in someone and I do not even realize I am. Sets me up for a nasty shock.

I hate that.

And people wonder why I am the way I am.

I did not get a chance to speak to Ayguili the man. I got to speak to the Ubar. I got to speak to the position. Not only that but I got to speak to the position as if the position had no idea of who I am as a man .. as a commander ... or as second in command at his right hand. I was treated as a stranger. Stripped of my command and of my respect. As if I had never earned my first courage scar and I had presented myself before the Ubar of the Tuchuk as an unnamed unscarred wet behind the ears boy.

Took me several moments to realize what I walked into. But when I did .. I did what any mere warrior does in the face of a commander. I said .. yes Commander .. no Commander... as you wish commander. You want me to charge that fucking hill and send my men and I into certain death? Why commander .. you know best ... let me get right on that for you.

Today Ayguili was Ba'atar's brother. I know how to obey a command without respect. Any warrior does. We are not a democracy. We do not vote for our Ubar and choose a man we respect and "want" to follow. We are a militaristic society and we obey. We obey our commanders or we die. The whole will devour the individual. There is no place for individualism on the battlefield. There is obedience. A chain of obedience. But the most successful commanders. The most followed and the ones that inspire great deeds from men ... are the ones who couple that demand for obedience with respect.

What was I going to do? Stomp my foot like a child .. even though I was being treated like one ... and say ... I quit the Tuchuk? I quit my life .. my blood .. my soul ... my future ... and what? I walk away to join the dwellers? Be a Tuchuk unto myself upon the plains? Pack my things like a jealous angry woman and move into another wagon?

Seriously?

My ideas of Tuchuk and Tribe did not change with the change of the Grays. My ideas of who I am as a Tuchuk and what I live for and die for .. do not change with the amount of respect I have for the man sitting on them. My loyalty knows no human failing. There is only .. Tuchuk. There is no Ayguili or Fonce or Seveya .. or anyone else. There is only Tribe. Barring what I would consider as treason from the Ubar ... I will obey and do so swiftly and with the intent to carry out what has been commanded of me to the best of my ability.

My respect however .. is mortal. I can be lost. It can see and despise and turn away from with no forgiveness. My respect can be lost. And it was.

There is my pride. There is no force of nature .. man or beast ... that can take my pride or force me to bend my knee. Obey? Yes. Submit? Never.

There is my friendship. That of me which transcends what I owe you from one Tuchuk to another. I can be polite to you .. and hate you with every core of my being while I am. You can not make me like you.

I tried to talk to Ayguili. Between men. He dismissed me to speak to Karvek. To sit around with my thumb up my ass as he chose to make a political statement out of the entire situation without hearing me out. Did he have to do that as the Ubar? Of course not and I obeyed him as I should. Did I expect him to give me that respect as his second in command? Unfortunately I did. I know better now.

When Ayguili summoned me again to the conversation between him and Karvek. He asked me .. did I not bring Seveya? Why should I? I was here out of respect for Ayguili .. not out of any law that said I had to be. I told Ayguili strait up .. I would not bring her unless I was assured of her safety. This was between men. Or I thought it was. He said he would give me his word of her safety .. was that not good enough? Well .. no. No ... it was not. I was there out of a naive and boyish wish to make this whole thing just a little better for Seveya and I in the long run. I had a favor to ask Ayguili .. not the Ubar. But if that request was to be denied ... I told them both I was perfectly capable of handling the situation on my own without either one of them. It was that naive .. childish wish to do it the "better" way that had brought me here. Not any doubt in my own ability to problem solve this all on my own. Either I was going to get a yes .. or a no to my request. I saw no reason to hash it over. Was my word not enough? Was my word as Fonce .. supposedly Ayguili's friend .. enough? Was word as Oralu .. not enough? Was my word as the second in command at Ayguili's side .. not enough?

No .. I am afraid it was not. I live and learn. Yes I am also rather bitter about it .. thank you for asking. Ayguili had made me give him my word I would speak to him about such things .. as a man. He told me that was the very essence of what he wanted and needed in a commander. Communication. That he would at least hear me out. I made sure he felt that way before I accepted it. He lied.

He asked me .. had I not considered that her submission was due to more than just fear of what her uncle would do to her? I knew exactly what this was about and I told him so. I know what fears geared this wagon train up to full speed. And I told them no I was not turning her over to be punished for them any more than she all ready had been. Why? Because I did not have to. She was mine. I told Ayguili .. I had come seeking a favor ... in my attempt to right a wrong in the best way I could think of. Either I would be granted this or I would not. It really was a yes or no kind of thing. I was forcing it to be a yes or no kind of thing. It was not a .. you have to listen to all the reasons why we do not think it is a good idea ... kind of thing. It was not a .. listen to all the bad things we want to say about Seveya .. kind of thing. I knew the good and bad all ready .. it was for and in spite of them that I had come to speak to Ayguili in the first place. Ayguili then asked me if I wanted to call in my favor he owed me.

That is when I started to lose my temper. How dare he drag Mezoo into this? How dare he compare the situations. My Mezoo? Fuck him and his favors. Fuck him and his feelings for Mezoo .. I no longer believed in them. I asked him if that was the only way I would get what I wanted from him...

Danger

Could he not see the protective anger in my eyes? This time it was not for Seveya .. it was for Mezoo. Did he not realize how close he was to never earning that bride price? How easily I held that future in my hand and all he was doing was dragging Mezoo through the mud of this situation? Mezoo had nothing to do with this .. nothing. She was innocent of any of this embroiled drama ... fucking hell I was mad clear through.

Ayguili then preserved his future by telling me that no .. he did no intend on forcing me to call in "that" favor.

nice save

Then Karvek decided to enter the conversation and told Ayguili since this involved him .. he felt he should know what this favor was. I was going to kill someone. I told Karvek that I could not see how this involved him at all. Was he not out of it? Had he not declared himself out of it? But .. here was me being good guy Fonce again. I told him if he cared to ask me what it was .. I would share it with him. I still had this fantasy .. naive ... fuck I am so naive ... I had this fantasy that he was hurt and if I tried to involve him ... it would help.

He informed me he had not asked me .. he had asked the Ubar. Really? Seriously? Is Karvek two? ... As you wish Karvek.

Then Ayguili told me I was not aware of all the things that had taken place and I needed to hear Karvek out. For what? His conscience? He had treated Seveya the way he had .. for this reason and that reason and when she did not do what he wanted he tried to kill her? I did not .. do not care. The man does not interest me. He is no longer involved. He has declared himself .. not involved in big red angry letters across Seveya's face and this Harigga .. and I am more than inclined to support his right to make a choice. Life is full of them. I told Ayguili .. I would do as he bid me but Karvek was not speaking to me. I was serious .. I was not being sarcastic. Was really not sure how to go about listening to .. nothing.

Ayguili then told us both to put our egos away. Seriously? I had not even gotten my ego out yet .. brother. You will know it when I do ... and this was so not it. Ayguili then commanded me .. as Ubar ... to listen. Upon being commanded I no longer leaned on the wagon wheel .. this was no longer a conversation between men. I straitened to attention and kept my responses clear .. concise and respectful ... as any warrior.

Karvek said that Seveya was not being forced into anything. The man had shown interest and had asked about her bride price. That Seveya had been informed that she would mate whomever met her bride price. Ayguili asked him if Seveya had any fear that he would be forcing her into this any time in the near future. Karvek replied .. only if her bride price were met by Tumka or any other man.

Did Ayguili just hear that? Did Ayguili not just hear that Seveya had every right in the world to fear she would be mated to Tumka as soon as Tumka met the bride price? That she had been told as much? That Karvek would expect her to mate Tumka as soon as he did .. as soon as any man did?

no

Ayguili then commanded me to apologize to Karvek for not speaking to him of Seveya. Did I not know that was wrong? I told Ayguili that no .. I had not known that was wrong. I had no intentions with Seveya other than what I had spoken of with her guardian. But I did as I was commanded and apologized to Karvek .. why? Because the Ubar's word is law and if it was not law five seconds before that? It certainly was now and ignorance of the law is not an excuse. I gave my word that if I had intentions towards a woman in the future I would not only speak to her guardian but I would also speak to her male relatives. I had not .. even ... had .... intentions.

It got worse from there. In the end I told them both I had no inspiration to turn Seveya over to anyone. That it was painfully clear to me that I was actually the only one that had her interests in mind. I was not out to disown her while still involving myself in her life .. taking everything she had and trying to destroy her and it while pretending she did not exist. I was not attempting to dig out her innocence or guilt before I tried to protect her. I was simply trying to protect the girl as best I could in the only way I knew how. I was trying to protect her despite her innocence or guilt .. protect her from herself if need be. I was the only one putting any value in her as a person despite what she had done. I was not the one calling her an animal and a liar and a whore. I was not the one trying to please everyone at the same time and accusing her of crimes against her uncle. I was just a man .. trying to set right something that had gone wrong ... and protect a woman from her own misguided notions that she had to do this for her own survival and happiness. All they were doing is proving that she had every right not to trust either one of them. And I thought she was wrong .. I know better now. I told them both it was a damned good thing she was in my hands and not their's anymore. I wanted to protect her choices. As much choice as we give any Tuchuk free woman .. which is a lot actually. Much more than they deserve sometimes .. but that is off subject.

I just wanted someone to help me. Someone .. please ... to help me preserve this innocence. This purity of thought and value that had accidentally fallen from the Sky at my feet. Do not make me do this alone .. I will fuck it up. I always do. I will leave my dirty fingerprints all over it. It will never be the same ... I just wanted someone to

..help me.

The Stuff of Dreams

Catch was curious as to the future. I told her I needed to speak with Ayguili. That need was only increasing. I told her that much depended on that talk. And if I found out that this was some kaissa game between Seveya and her uncle that I would not be a simple pawn in their game. She was confused .. so I explained that there are games of power. Where people move against each other and use other people as pawns. Karvek had made a move to establish his power and control and if this move by Seveya was simply a tit for tat .. there would be consequences for involving me. I play by rules .. but those rules are not necessarily everyone else's rules. In fact .. rarely.

Catch said that would be a dangerous sort of game to play. Well that was my point. She said .. she chose to believe it was simply that Seveya wanted to be with me. Catch is biased .. despite the fact she told me it was based on her woman's intuition. Wily little slave. She asked me how I would know .. if it was a game or not. I told her motives have a way of becoming very clear .. especially with a little help. But none of this was anything but conjecture .. nothing could or would be done until I could talk to Ayguili. She must have been feeling rather comfortable with the fact I was answering all her questions .. she asked me what we would speak of. I subtly reminded her of her place by telling her we would speak of the business of men.

Catch told me she could tell that I cared a great deal for Seveya. How could she know such? Was that her bias speaking? Was she trying to tell me something she thought I wanted to know? I told her I did not know how I felt. She asked me if I knew how I felt about her. I told her it was much the same thing. She told me she wanted to be more .. be better at things she knew she could learn. She told me she was thankful for my time and the answers to her questions .. I told her she should be. She said felt bad that all she was doing was speaking of her .. when I had so many other things on my mind. I told her .. yes I did have many things on my mind but I was not loathe to speak of her. Then .. just like a woman ... she did a 180 and changed the subject as soon as I assured her I was all right with it.

figures

She told me .. she thought Seveya would be the one. The one .. what? I was confused. My brain is not crafted to dance so light footed. She said she thought Seveya was the one to give me fat Tuchuk babies.

huh

I asked her why she would say such a thing. What did she know that I did not? Why would she know more than I? I got a little wound up.

grunt

She said .. "When I came upon You two. You seemed very comfortable with each other. You...seemed....drawn together. I am..actually..envious of that a bit. The ease and at the same time, the spark that seems to flame between the two of You. There was no distance between You, and even though I have only seen a little of You in such circumstances... that was something different. It is what dreams are made of, that spark."

I tried to carve it up and dismiss it by my calculated and intense questions. I took a blade to her statement .. much like I have taken my hand to flesh. How dare she say that to me .. how dare she evoke some kind of belief in me for such things? Why would she set me up like that .. to hurt me? What had I ever done to her? What was her motive in putting the black tar of her boskshit faith on me? I did not want it. I did not want to be marked by it. I did not want it to fail me yet again and leave me wounded in ways I was uncertain I could continue to recover from. All my carefully crafted ideas of love got shoved inside the chest and forgotten as I raged against the very thing I wanted so badly. To believe.

But it was stronger than I was. It could not be washed off. It was permanently placed and withstood my feeble attempts to protect myself from it. Then with one deft stroke she placed her hand over my heart and said ..

"But what makes me pause, is that, You have spoken of Your dreams..dying. So I know that You are capable..of.. dismissing that spark."

She touched me. She touched me deeply and I am forever marked by it. She held something precious about someone else and chose to give it to me despite her own fear of loss. If she even knows fear .. she seemed not to be touched by it if she does. She did not keep it to herself .. she gave it to me. She shared it with me. She redeemed her gender to me in ways I can never hope to fully explain. I am not blind or stupid and I know she is human and female and she may not always be so wise and unselfish. But for that moment .. she was. For that moment she chose to be and in so doing gave me a gift of priceless value.

She spoke to me of what dreams are made of. She loved me enough to want me to have my dreams .. what she saw as my dreams. She wanted to secure them for me .. even though she thought they were another woman... to set her time and energy to serve and protect me. Her .. a slave. A slave I barely even know. A slave who has set me up as a hero. I thought that was to her own detriment. I thought that was a terrible mistake she would at some point wake up from. So simple .. does she not see how such a gift is also what dreams are made of? Of course she does not .. that is what makes it valid.

Can a man have two such gifts given to him? A man such as me? I am not worthy of such. I run around cursing the Sky on a regular basis. I am irreverent and stubborn .. brutal and unforgiving. I am apathetic and cruel in my cold distance ... and yet ... here within a few paces of each other were two women who seemed to be ...

what dreams are made of.

My dreams anyway.

The Gift of Beauty

Catch is a beautiful woman. A beautiful slave. There is no doubt there. Her physical attributes are the stuff men sing and fight for. I am surrounded by beautiful women .. today I learned Catch is not just a beautiful woman .. she is a beautiful person. There are not so many of those around .. I am feeling rather possessive of this particular one.

She gave me a gift. A gift of hope .. hope in humanity. Not something I have much of. In fact something I was feeling even lower on after the night spent wondering if Seveya would ever recover .. if I would ever have a chance to return her to her place ... selfishly if I would ever get the chance to know who she really was to me personally. I have a small measure more now though .. thanks to Catch.

We spoke today .. Catch and I. While I worked the leather through my fingers and existentially pondered my small universe .. she curled around my leg trying not to interfere too much with my task. A task I did not seem willing to set aside. Mostly because the task was all that kept me from my own temper. Something I am far too easily in touch with most times.

She asked me how Seveya was. I told her I did not know. She was either sleeping or still unconscious. She asked me what happened .. to both of us. I did not understand the question ... I asked her to refine it and reduce it and try again. She said she wanted to know everything .. how I was injured. I had forgotten I had even been injured in those moments .. her question suddenly made sense in my own context. She said she wanted to know why the woman Seveya was deposited in my wagon in a bloody heap of flesh and bone .. and why she appeared as a slave. Either that or a very ravaged mate.

It was easy to figure out where to begin .. I told Catch that Seveya had submitted to me. I told her that Karvek .. by all evidence presented ... seemed to be taking it rather personal and hard. She followed that .. kudos to her for me not having to explain that one in detail because I could not have. Situationally it did not make sense to me yet. Then she asked me if I would ever do that.

Do what? Beat the shit out of someone? Well yes .. yes I have and probably will again. Though I have not laid my hands on any woman since my return .. kudos to me. She specified though .. would I take it so personally if someone in my family submitted to a man? I told her .. of course I would. I would take it personally if Mezoo or Cana submitted. If Asria submitted that would be another vein all together .. but Mezoo and Cana were the type of female family members that I hope applied to this situation. I was still suffering lingering doubts as to Karvek's relationship with his niece but .. for now I would assume it was as innocent as my own with my family. In which case .. yes ... yes I would take it personally. Yes it would hurt me .. personally. All the things I would never be able to share or experience with them. But .. honestly .. I felt the same kind of loss when they were given away as a mate to someone. Granted with Mezoo there was loss of the sharing of Clan .. but mostly the part I would take personally would be .. well ... what I lost. And those things I lose as soon as those women cleave themselves to another man. When they become a possession .. when their priorities shift. When they do not have the time or the inclination of time they once had with me.

As for the slight or offense .. embarrassment? Women are crafted to follow their hearts. If a man did not create a woman .. then I can guarantee it was someone that made women "for" a man. Because she is perfect. She is made to compliment and bolster and lift our egos above the mess of mistakes we make on a regular basis. I believe innate in her is the ability to mold herself once her heart is secured to fit that man in any way he needs that does not destroy her as a person. She is to stand beside or kneel at our feet come what may .. despite us.

If Mezoo found a man who captured her heart in such a way? Of course I would take it personally .. but who am I to dictate to her how she chooses to follow her heart? Had I not all ready suffered some of that loss with Mezoo? She sought the advice and time of another man .. to share those little bright moments of her day with him. It hurts .. that letting go ... but I would have it no other way. When I see them together .. when I see how happy she is and how .. grown up she has become. I am amazed and .. proud.

No .. Mezoo has not submitted to Ayguili .. but there is little else I would suffer if she did. Probably the first shock of seeing her naked. The first time I wished to speak to her of Clan business and I could not. I might selfishly kick the dirt around a little in my own space. But a man does not condition himself to have her forever. To keep her all to myself. To rest all my dreams of the future on her. No I want a woman for myself that I can have and hold and will leave all she was .. for me. Whether that be as my mate or as my slave. Falon and I went rounds about family .. about where I stood in her heart and mind. With Falon .. her family came first and she felt that was how it should be. That is the point where Falon and I took different paths in our relationship. Those paths just never met up again. Understanding how I feel .. I can not judge another man and how he wishes to have that woman .. even my family member ... cleave to him.

If Mezoo submitted to Ayguili .. would I as her family and guardian step in? Hell yes I would. But it would be to protect her. Protect her from Ayguili .. protect her from herself. And then .. make for damn sure she knew what she was doing and this was a choice she was making because she was well informed of her choices. That she would be doing so out of courage .. not fear. Mezoo is not just any free woman .. she is Tuchuk ... she is family. I am possessive and protective of her. But if .. in my findings ... I found that she was of her right mind and this was what she truly wanted .. needed ... to be at his feet .... I would move mountains and bridge rivers to make it happen for her. Smooth her path and give her all the things she wanted and .. more. If it was in my power to do. Even if the things she wanted so badly .. were not me.

And those hurts .. those bouts of temper? Has anyone seen them with Mezoo? With Cana? No. And no one will. Those selfish emotions are locked away behind walls and traps. I can count on one hand the women who have gotten far enough through that maze to kick that chest over and spill the contents. And every time it happens? It just gets harder to find. Catch said she cried when she was hurt. I told her I had wept .. but it just did not seem to do me any good at all. I have screamed my pain at the Sky .. wept my dreams into the soil. Seemed like a lot of wasted energy to me at this point. As I was talking to Catch I got yet one more clue to the missing three years. One more difference in me that I could not completely account for. One more puzzle piece to the end result that might .. with careful calculation ... lead me backwards to the events.

She asked me if it made me angry. Loss of control over the things I am possessive over .. makes me angry. I told Catch I was feeling .. possessive. But this argument between Seveya and her uncle had started before I got involved. Before I had a right to be involved. Now that I held the right to be involved .. if he continued to be bent on destroying what was mine to protect I would of course step in. But if this was the end of it? An ill timed and poorly crafted goodbye .. good luck ... will not see you on the other side ... sort of conversation? I would consider it over and done with and move on.

She gave me that worship look .. the one she gets so often with me that confuses the ever living shit out of me. And she said that she could ask for no better protector and she would do everything she could. Well I did not understand that last bit and I asked her what she meant. She said .. she would do all she could .. all she was allowed to do to protect my property.

huh

That caught my interest. I wanted to cut that apart .. skin it ... and see how it worked. So I asked her .. was she not jealous? Was Seveya .. at this moment ... not invading her personal space as a slave? Was she not threatened? She asked me if I no longer wanted to catch her .. and make sure no one who had caught her ... kept her? I told her .. that would be between her and I. My wants and desires of her. She told me that as long as Seveya did not mean that she no longer had a place with me .. that she was not jealous .. for now. Kudos to her for her honesty with the tag at the end of her sentence. I am starting to like Catch. Not just own her .. possess her ..

... but like her.

Weather Beaten

I was told.

So I had some idea of what I would find when I returned. But even I did not suspect the extent of the damage. That coupled with the ritualistic pyre building .. I had some clue to the depths of Karvek's emotional outburst. An outburst that spread itself all over the Harigga .. not just Seveya's face.

Now I have taken after a slave or two in my time. One in particular. I wish I could say it was for such a thing as love. I am not so noble a man. I can only say it was selfish on my part. A selfish feeling of hurt .. and desire to not be hurt anymore .. no matter the cost. A rage against someone getting too close to me ... and one part of me needing them closer and another part of me convinced they would never accept who I really was .. underneath it all. As lonely as it is .. there is a certain satisfaction in speaking your own destiny into existence. In assuring your own fate .. by pure strength of will. Setting out to prove yourself right .. and in the end you do. But it is a hallow satisfaction .. a satisfaction built only to comfort the predictability of it all and containing very little else but that alone.

And yet .. in the desert ... that alone can be enough.

It was late .. and yet I still woke Aod to come with me. I also took Ogedaii's Bitch ... with his permission of course. It would have been hard to untangle them without it. Between the three of us we patched up Seveya. The Bitch stitched her lip. I had seen .. suffered ... her talents for days and I had been right in my assumptions she was a skilled craftsman in her Clan .. what used to be her Clan. Her fingers are deft and much more capable than my own or Aod's gnarled hands .. Seveya should not scar. It was as much of a gift as I could provide.

It is a terrible thing to do to a man. To expect responsibility .. mature thinking ... and the right things from him .. and then to make him protective. Would I seek retribution from Karvek? No .. Seveya was for all intent and purpose a slave and a man has a right to visit whatever he wishes upon a slave. A woman held in possession of a collar. Had I a right to seek to be repaid for the damage and the favors I would owe for her care? Yes .. of course. But at this point it would be petty and I had no desire to step into the bizarre emotional state born of .. Sky only knew what kind of relationship Karvek had with his niece. At this point I had no idea what all Karvek was mourning .. but I wanted no part of it. And he certainly did not appear to be anywhere near capable of rational conversation about anything .. let alone Seveya.

I returned Ogedaii's Bitch after she was done patching .. Aod stayed with Seveya the rest of the night and left in the morning to return to her wagons. She told me I owed her a dream or two for the interrupted night of sleep. I watched her leave and I was reminded of my fortune in the people around me who care not only for me but for those I care of. There have been one or two here and there throughout the years .. but today I felt rich with it. Rich with those people who I count as family.

I brought my task to the steps of my wagon that morning .. waiting for Seveya to wake .. if she woke at all. Aod is no slouch as a Spex and neither am I .. and yet neither one of us could predict the future ... if the injuries to Seveya's head would ever allow her to return to consciousness. Ogedaii's bitch had done all she could for her body. It was now up to the things no Healer or Spex could ever manipulate.

The leather gave me something for my hands to do .. something to focus on. The feel of the leather through my fingers .. the rhythmic motions born now of years of repetitive touch ... was a tenuous rein on my temper. I thought about how much better I was at that since my return .. I wondered why. What had happened .. what events had laid themselves out through those three years that had taught me more control of my emotions. I did not feel so mature .. rather convinced it is just a series of walls .. taller ... stronger than the ones before. That would be much more like me .. rather than this ethereal maturity and wisdom conceived from a nothingness. What has not killed me has made me stronger. Less prone to the weakness of emotions.

However .. I am now protective. More so than I was before. And it is not the desire of Karvek to erase his niece's face from his sight that I can not understand. No .. I actually understand it very well .. though from me that inclination is usually born of a more sexually based possessiveness. I do not know how it works for Karvek .. I do not know the man. I am protective of her .. yes ... but it is a little more global than that. I am protective of my Harigga .. of my People .. of the plains. Madness is a weakness that knows no boundaries or rules. No one .. nothing ... is safe from it ... especially Karvek.

As I kept my hands busy with something constructive .. if asked I could not have told you which one was more weather beaten .. bruised and broken ..

.. Seveya ... or her uncle.

Deja Vu

Jaella sat beside me. I was currently aware of the ironic circumstances. But that is not what Jaella wished to talk to me about .. at least at that point.

She wanted to speak to me of the spirits and Sahli. Of the spirits .. in ... Sahli. Of the spirits of the cave. Now my experience with these were minimal. I .. do not do ... spirits. Not the kind that were ever human anyway. When I speak of spirits I speak of entities that never drew breath or lived upon the grass as we do. However I had gone that day to help Sahli .. and from what I was gathering from Jaella .. that was not the end of it.

She asked me several questions .. some I had answers for ... others I did not. She gave me a leather pouch with some hair and beads from the Kassar woman. I asked her if she had given the thing to Sahli yet .. and she said no ... that she was afraid to let someone who was taking up residence in Sahli know about it. It made sense to me and so I told her I would hold onto it until it was needed.

Some might say .. "Fonce that was basically inviting yourself into a good haunting". But I do not .. do ... spirits. Not the kind that feel the need to haunt .. I feel I must reiterate.

She asked me about Yamka then .. and I told her basics of what the dynamic was and she of course connected as I knew she would. Thus .. the irony of the entire situation. She told me if Yamka's friendship was real .. it would weather the twists and turns of life. That it might take her awhile to find the path .. but that she would ... if the relationship was built on more than just circumstance. If anyone had the right and the knowledge to speak to me of such things .. it would be Jaella. I gave her words the weight they deserved.

It was about that time that Asria arrived with Lei and First Son of Trayu. Lei came to me and told me that I was her friend and offered me a box. She informed me that what was inside would not help me fix the wagon wheels any better because her mom had not allowed her to bring me paga. Within the box was a lock of her hair .. tied in a ribbon ... and a small feather. After what had passed between Asria and I .. I trusted none of it. But I told Lei I was thankful for her thoughtful gift. Lei told me it was so I would not forget her now .. I told her there was no danger of that. With or without the gift. She then told me I was allowed to teach her brother to fix wheels and drink paga. A thing of high trust and I told Lei I was aware of how much trust and that I appreciated such a gesture of faith in me.

Asria was making friends with Jaella .. but then asked me if she could ask that I keep her in mind on my next hunt. I told her that was not a problem .. I had heard of all the widowed women's children she had been collecting and telling stories to. Giving their mothers a break and time to do Clan responsibilities. I was not sure where that left Asria in her own Clan responsibilities .. but I knew what she was doing was important and something she obviously felt a calling to do.

I told her I had just butchered a bosk for my own use and Oren's wagons and I would send a good portion of it over. I knew Ayguili would be providing plenty .. but I also knew he might not be aware of how much extra Asria was using yet. There was more than enough to share and I made sure plenty got sent to Asria's wagons.

Asria left and Jaella and I settled into a comfortable conversation about the past .. she was surprised to find out that Ba'atar had been Ubar before his brother Ayguili. She had some experiences to share about Ba'atar that I had not known when I was Ubar and her guardian.. or things might have turned out a little differently. Things that only confirmed what I had learned of him since my return and though I respected his command then and would still again if and when he returned .. the man had lost my personal respect. She apologized for not speaking to me of it then. But I told her .. it was yesterday and fortunately no harm had come of her silence. What seemed to be good for the whole just happened to not be so great for either one of us .. but Tribe above all. Ba'atar was not there to defend himself .. so history was history .. and we both agreed it was the past and well behind us.

It was then that Seveya arrived. Just the sight of her eased the lines around my eyes and I felt my jaw relax. I could not deny .. to myself or anyone else ... that she pleased me. Her .. not her position ... whatever that turned out to be.

Did I say I really needed to find Ayguili?

Jaella commended Seveya for her courage. Seveya probably had no idea where those words came from .. but I did. I knew. I knew from whom Jaella had learned them. I knew what example she used to gauge that kind of courage. And I hoped Seveya realized the kind of experience that gave those words weight .. even if she did not know the specifics.

Then Jaella told Seveya the story. There was a moment there I think Seveya understood more than she was being told. She certainly pays attention .. though in this case it was spelled out rather clearly. If there was anything else I needed to add to that .. deja vu feeling ... I had it wrapped and delivered for my perusal.

A Gift

My mind has been heavy with the current situation of Seveya .. or Seveya's current situation ... whichever you prefer. Despite the fact I did not kill her or send her back to her guardian in shame .. despite the fact I accepted her and I am protecting her .. I still did not believe she belonged at the feet of men. And if she does .. I would like to know it. I had not been able to find Ayguili. I spent the night in the herd at the rider's fires. Plenty of witnesses to my time and energy. Still did not find him though.

I was sitting at the stream .. letting the weight of my thoughts slowly rise through my brain like bubbles through tar. My head hurt with the pressure of it. Yamka found me there. Yamka is not someone I wanted to speak to right then. Yamka has a way of seeing things that do not always align with me ..and how I see them. Seveya was one of those things I knew would not align well. But she had sought me out to give me a gift. A gift of a story blanket done in leather. Different squares meant different things .. different ways she saw me and how she interpreted not only me but what she thought I needed.

I commended her not only for the work she had put into it but for the thought she had obviously done to be able to give me such a gift. She did not nail me completely .. but if she had I would have recommended her for the Spex Clan instead of the Leather Workers. She proved to be observant and thoughtful .. and I appreciated the time and care she had put into it.

She seemed to want to talk about Seveya. But not directly enough that I felt any compunction to tell her everything. She spoke to me of what Seveya had told her the night they had spoken .. and I told Yamka strait up what she said were lies. She asked me why Seveya would lie .. I told her I had no idea. I had no idea if Seveya had lied to Yamka or if Yamka had just misunderstood the words Seveya had given her and Yamka had assumed the rest. Whatever the case I told Yamka she was mistaken in what I had said .. what I had meant .. and what my intentions had been and were currently.

She did not press me .. she did not ask me. She told me she was going to go find Seveya and I figured that was best for both of them. I had no desire to manage or control that. Seveya was being held in a kind of limbo and I had no intention of trying to explain that to Yamka. I was having enough trouble understanding it myself and I just wanted to find Ayguili .. who was no where to be found.

I rolled and tucked the story blanket at my side .. my thoughts no less settled when Jaella approached me from where she had been washing out blankets.

And no .. I was not immune to the ironic twist going on.

Just What I Needed

I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time
'cause when you're standin' oh so near
I kinda lose my mind
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time

I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep
it doesn't matter where you've been
as long as it was deep, yeah
you always knew to wear it well and
you look so fancy I can tell
I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep

I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to feed
I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to bleed

- Cars

I had sought some solitary solace. Not that I had not had enough of it since my Love Wars escapade. This was the longest I had been out of action that I could ever remember. I was going stir crazy .. losing my mind ... going to come unsealed around the edges soon. Still .. it was not bad to lay on the grass and contemplate how much I hated the Sky. It left me all warm and fuzzy and feeling good about myself.

There was one solitary cloud in the blue expanse above me. I felt a certain solitary kinship with it. Upon the horizon several wall clouds piled up in classic thunderstorm fashion. I wondered how this little one had escaped .. I wondered if he would be allowed to roam free or if the pack would come for him. Spreading their gray storm filled existence across my window.

I have way too much time on my hands.

There is a look .. a way about a woman when she is on a mission. A man learns to watch for this like he learns to watch for plain's fires .. or raiding Kassar. It is all about the survival. A man likes to survive. I felt purpose radiating off Seveya long before she arrived at my solitary solace place. It was no longer solitary .. and I had a distinct Spex like feeling it was about to lose a little solace. Even those thunderheads took notice and held off. Her tone was quiet and settled .. at the same time she was wound tight and ready to spring free. The two combined in a woman never spells good things. At least in my experience.

Now fortunately for her I had my "big boy" skin laying around easy for me to take up and put on. The Oralu .. mature ... guardian kind of skin. The one I reserved for just such occasions as this. I think she caught my hesitation. I do not think she appreciated it .. though she did thank me in advance for my patience. I asked her if she was thanking me for the patience I had .. or the patience she was sure I was going to have. She told me it could go either way.

huh .. figures

She decided to test my skin. To see just how far the fucker would stretch. The skin is still intact .. though it was a close thing ... a very close thing .. has a couple of tears in it.

I want to expound .. to delve into and explore all the things she said to me. I want to expose them .. to display them. To grease them and polish them and call them mine. But I can not do that. I can not separate the words she told me from the fear she felt. I do not know what was real .. and what was born out of irrational fear fueled by her uncle and I am .. assuming ... myself in my words and actions to her.

Presented with this beautiful gift of everything she is and wants to be .. I yet have doubts as to the entirety of the motivation. Was it purely for me? Was this what she wanted? I have never seen anything like slave behavior from Seveya. In fact .. I have seen slave like behavior from most every other free woman at the Fires in comparison to the purity of behavior from Seveya. Not one dirty joke .. not one flash of desire .. not one tease of sexuality that I would have forgiven even if I had seen ... but I did not.

Which leaves me to surmise that any such thoughts are born purely from the desire to give me all and in return expect all from me. Which I have inadvertently set her up for by speaking of relationships .. free and slave. By being so hard to reach .. so unbelieving of those around me. And knowing that .. can I stop it? No. But I can see the evidence of what I have done to her thought process. It was not my intention. I was not attempting to tell Seveya through subtle means that a woman has to submit to me before I will allow them to get close. Not at all. Have they not noticed I ignore slaves on a regular basis? Have they not realized that only by my respect for the free have they even garnered my attention for any regular periods of time? Do I believe a slave has the ability to get closer to me than any free woman? Yes. But it is a theory. I have never proved it. Do I want all women to submit to me? Of course not. I want children and a mate and that is not going to happen with a slave. I am not going to have children .. with a slave. Was this all something I was attempting to orchestrate and .. "good Sky look Seveya figured it out just like T'zuri?" No.

I must say again .. no.

But I also know how much easier it is to attempt to show me these things as a slave .. because it feels like you have all the power in the world to offer yourself to me and to gain my trust in a way you have not been able to .. so far. I know it feels like you are proving your own words to me .. by submitting all you are to my every whim. But .. it is not necessary. It is not what I am looking for or what I even want. I want to learn .. and to grow ... and to get to the point where I can understand what I want. And in doing so I tend to push and pull and test my boundaries.

Was I angry? No. How could I be? How could I not take this gift given to me and appreciate it .. simply because I appreciate who Seveya is as a person? And should I have picked her up by her short hair and marched her back to her guardian? You could tell me so .. I could not. It was not in me to do it. I will not endanger a woman again like that. I wanted to protect her. At first from everyone .. and then ... from me. I did not want to give her back. I wanted to keep her for my very own.

And yet .. I knew I had to. I knew I had to hold onto that mature "good guy" skin and do what was right. Do what was respectable. I had to find Ayguili and discuss this with him. I needed that rational mind to help me figure out what was best for Seveya .. and in turn for me. Was I willing to give up getting to know her? No. Was I willing to turn her over to be given away to someone she thought would kill her? Not any more. Was I now motivated to get to the bottom of who had control over who she mated? Well .. yes. I thought I had known .. I spoke to the man I needed to. I did my part .. held up my responsibility .. and yet here we were with something gone terribly wrong.

Or had it.

See? I am still not sure. I am still not sure if this was the right thing or the wrong thing .. but the part I do know is that I will never know unless the woman is set back where she belongs with no fear. No fear to make a choice that is good for her. Is it the Gorean way? The Tuchuk way? No. Ask me if I give a wild flying fuck. I have rules .. rules for myself and rules for those around me and one of them is .. I like to know why someone is in my space. Another rule is .. never trust fear. And by the Sky never trust emotions born from fear. Ever.

Seveya is not just any other woman. She is a free woman .. a free Tuchuk woman of the First Fires. I must give that respect. And yet she was so sure .. so sure of what and where she wanted to be. Am I doing her a disservice by not trusting her to know her own destiny? Her own course? Is she not the Tuchuk free woman I just described .. intelligent ... fierce and prideful? I am a man torn .. torn between two things. Torn by the knowledge that Seveya must be returned to Ayguili and set back in her place if I am ever going to know her heart and mind fully ... and the fact that ... I do have trust of her intelligence and fierce pride and I want to gather this gift to myself and claim it for what it appears to be.

And with all that I have not even gotten to the part where I decide what it is I want from Seveya. Is it the fierce prideful Tuchuk free woman I know her to be? The woman to stand by my side and face the Sky together? To fight for every scrap and piece we take from this life? Or do I want her complete submission to my will and word. A woman kneeling at my feet with no ability to hide anything from me. With no right to withhold an ounce of who she is from my hand. To peel her apart layer by layer until she is my possession in every sense of the word?

I do not know. I never got the chance to decide. I have no idea. There was a connection this day. I felt her. I felt her for the first time. It was not just that she made me feel .. I felt her. It was brief .. a flicker. But I felt her and I want to know more. I do know that much. I just have no flipping freaking fucking clue what I want to do with it once I know it. Will I ever know it? Will I ever know Seveya beneath the layers she hides in? Will she ever stop trying to solve all the problems before she speaks of them? Will she ever trust me enough to solve them with me? Is Seveya a woman whose thoughts and purpose are simply built on fear and what she thinks she knows of me .. or is she

.. just what I needed.

Warmth

My thoughts .. like randomly lighting fireflies against a black velvet backdrop ... no rhythm or rhyme to their pattern. Each one brilliant and sharp .. but without a collective ... hard to pin down as anything but chaos.

I joined others as they relaxed along the bank of the stream. Pleased enough to just be there and listen .. not exactly finding much thought to contribute out of the mess in my head. As I arrived Cana seemed to be asking Sahli to fix a drum for her .. one that had been made by the Mamba .. it made me think of Ogedaii's bitch .. even though she was not Mamba at all ... simply someone they had made over to be for entertainment's sake. Such a world of lies and make believe .. I could not follow it ... their world. But there went my thoughts again .. off on their own trail with no connection to what was going on around me.

Sahli seemed reluctant to touch it .. if it was made from human skin. It amused me a little .. I can not say I blame him. Not that I have any problem touching human skin .. either on or off the body. But it does hold a lot of superstition. And the ook factor can not be dismissed .. it exists for most.

Asria greeted me with an over exuberance that caused a little bit of a catch in my brain. What the fuck .. I think were the literal words used in my thought process. I probably stared at her .. I do not remember if I did or not. But that incongruence was merely one more flicker.

Cana nudged me from my thoughts as she asked to settle near me .. I welcomed her company. I wish I had more time to speak to her alone .. but she is always busy when I see her and I have been reluctant to pull her away from everyone. Sometimes I am driven with no thoughts of others .. driven for a goal. Other times I am simply overwhelmed with them and thoughts of them and I opt for just not intruding. It eases the over stimulated fever of my thoughts.

Cana told me it was good to see me moving better .. I told her.. "slowly but surely". Then she said something else .. "time heals many things ... even wounds". I think she meant more than my physical wounds. I think she was referring to the talk I had with Jaella at the pens. I appreciated it .. whether or not that is what she meant ... I still took the words as more globally comforting.

I told her I had spoken with Tarra .. about the talismans being made for her children. She wanted to make sure also that I was not offended by such .. I had to reiterate to her just as I did Tarra ... why would I? What about the safety and well being of the children would I not be invested in personally? I understand I am hard to get along with sometimes and that I have an abundance of pride .. I just wish there was someone .. sometime ... that would understand how that pride works. Tarra and Mezoo making talismans for Cana's children certainly did not offend me or threaten my pride in any manner nor could I see how it could possibly do so.

Then Cana said she needed to apologize to me. I could not think of what she could be apologizing for so I asked her. She said sometimes she was a little protective of me. Voiced things she probably did not need to .. even things she did not ask me first if I wanted her to voice things over. I tried to tell her that .. honestly that is how family works. I have never had one .. but I have studied them enough to understand that part of it. Perhaps my motivation to understand something I have never had has led me to understand the dynamic even better than those who have it. When family takes care of family there is plenty of room for that protective caring to overstep boundaries and tread on feelings .. even if softly. But despite that fact .. I would not trade Cana .. or others who care about me for anything in the world. I am quite fortunate in that I get to choose my family. I think I have chosen well with Cana .. despite the little things ... the big thing is more than worth it to me. Cana is a treasure to me .. even when she tells people what I need without checking with me first. I love her for it .. even when it irritates me. To me .. that is family.

Mezoo wished to apologize also .. hearing the conversation between I and Cana and said she had felt protective as well. I told her I had not even realized she was having those feelings .. but ... that there was one thing I knew about both of them and that was that they both had my best interest in their hearts. Mezoo is family. And though I do not know her well as a person .. like a friend ... she is family and I know enough that I trust her with my best interests just as I do Cana.

Now if I could just be that understanding with the women in my life. The .. "not so family" ... women.

huh

Speaking of .. Catch arrived at the stream and eased into the warmth of the afternoon. Brought a little of it with her .. a comfort at my side. A feeling of possession that gave me a settled feeling as she knelt and I directed her cheek to my thigh and allowed the touch of my fingers to explore the Central Fire warmed silky richness of her hair.

Silken joined us and then Ash. Silken seems to have lost some of her identity with herself. Her appreciation of herself. I do not know why .. or how ... but I know I do not possess the ability to give it back to her. I know that is not my place and I would not take that place even if I could. I am too easily lost myself. I am too easily distracted and comfortable being alone .. I know by now that I would drive her insane. She has found a connection with Ash .. perhaps because they know the old ways. The ways of years before my time. It must be good to connect with that. With people .. just like it was good to see Sahli and Jaella for me. I hope that something in Ash's memories can help Silken with her darkness. Help connect her to the woman she was .. has been ... and always will be in there some where. The woman we have all grown to like .. even in her tempestuous ways ... learned to look for and find a certain comfort of knowledge in. Even when it makes us want to strangle her.

However .. the highlight of my day .. the part that I believe I found the most comfort in .. was the quiet attention of my slave at my side. The simple enjoyment of touch and the ease which we both existed in each other's space .. despite the frantic sparking of my random and chaotic thoughts.

Tell Me .. The Story

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

-The Who


It was time .. it was far passed time. Not that I was in any hurry ... though since Sahli and Jaella's return there was in me a small sense of urgency. The thought of closure seemed within my grasp. It became my focus for a couple of days .. not much else tempted my thought process away from it. The knowledge that Jaella and T'zuri had left together was more than I knew before and it hung like bait in a trap before me.

So it was when I went in search of Jaella and I found her at the kaiila pens with Cana .. there was just one thing on my mind. One singular thing.

I wanted to know the rest .. of the story.

I asked her if she knew what happened .. if she knew ... what she knew of T'zuri. My gaze rather intent on her features .. willing to know by her expressions anything she was not saying as well as portents of things she might say.

"I think I should start at the beginning. I had known something was wrong with T'zuri for a while. I did not know what, she wouldn't even talk to me. She became agitated, and one day she just decided she had to go. I decided I would go with her to try and change her mind, and of course Sahli refused to let us go alone. I made headway that first night in talking to her, and much as I love her, I had no plans on staying one for more than a day or two at most. But, when we made camp that night - we were taken. I didn't know where at first, but ended up that at least I was now being held by some Kassar. But I never saw T'zuri after that first night."

My heart sank. Sank into my stomach and the level of bile rose in my throat as my heart displaced so much of it. It was not that I expected to hear anything else .. but the hearing of it .. was harder than I thought it would be. It was hard to imagine the Kassar would have taken one and not the other .. I asked Jaella if she had been enslaved.

"No. That is the most odd part. They never even tried. In fact, the man that was clearly their leader was quite protective. I soon found out why. Fonce - his woman, it was like looking in a mirror. It was unsettling."

"But in your time with the Kassar .. you never saw T'zuri or heard what happened to her?"

"Not a sign or a word, and I did try to see. I angered them more than once by poking around and wandering when told not to. Not even a hint, not in the wagon I woke up in, no where. Its as if she completely vanished from the Plains in a wisp of smoke. I'm sorry."

She could not have said anything else at that point which would have stirred my anger .. not in the face of so much loss for me. Wisp of smoke? My gaze narrowed and the lines around my eyes deepened as the muscle of my jaw tensed. My word were not mature or logical .. they were born on the breath of disappointment that never was given closure so many years before. A thing I had never forgiven the Sky for .. which only compounded the passing of T'zuri by the same exact words. Wisp of smoke ..

..figures

"Perhaps ... she is with Kaz then."

fucking figures

I had no desire to show either Jaella or Cana how much the last couple of days had left me feeling terribly alone .. this tease of words of T'zuri had not made it better ... it had compounded everything and Jaella's unwitting .. or Spex like ... coupling of the event with Kaz's untimely demise only made things worse. I knew that was going to come back to haunt me.

Pun intended

I told Jaella none of this was her fault .. that I was no worse off for her knowledge. I told her T'zuri was not her responsibility. I did not want to give her the idea I was any less happy to see her return simply because she could not fulfill my selfish desire to learn of T'zuri.

Jaella asked me about the fact that the man .. the Kassar ... had seemed unusually fascinated with her because of her likeness to his woman. I told her there could be many reasons for it .. perfectly benign reasons .. and if there was a mystery there .. it was a mystery to me as well.

I wanted away .. to leave them. Both of them I consider some of my best friends and I knew both of them as women had the intuition to understand how pained I was right then. But I wanted neither one of them to experience it .. I wanted neither one of them to see the practical examples of my behavior that would denote such. I needed to be alone. To be around people who did not know me .. who could not see the signs ... who would have no idea what my fucking problem was and chalk it up to me just being an asshole.

So I lost myself in a crowd .. made a few enemies ... and no one knew better.

The A B C's of .. Goodbye

I do not know .. exactly ... how I feel about Seveya yet. But I did know I liked to be around her. I liked to talk to her .. I am speaking in passed tense ... you see ... I have to. She told me goodbye.

I thought it was going to be one of those conversations where I went about explaining myself .. as usual. Explaining why and how and what I was all about. Why I did the things I did .. why I asked and said the things I did. I can do that .. I can explain myself ... even when it pisses me off to do so. Even when I am getting my ears pinned back for some misunderstanding. Do I enjoy it?

no

Do I find redeeming qualities in someone making such large assumptions of me and getting angry and stewing for so long without even asking me ... what I meant?

no

Will I do it? Will I lay it all out and go through it and attempt to help someone understand that I am really not that evil and cruel of a person?

of course

All my on purpose cruelty .. my evil tendencies ... my torture and sadistic pleasures ... are reserved for the Mask. I actually try not to do that to people. No .. I mean it. Honest Tuchuk.

I tried to tell her how much I just want to understand. By understanding her I learn how I feel. By digging around in her ideals and thoughts I may get my hands all bloody but .. I learn. I learn how she makes me feel. I learn who she is ... I learn ..... I learn.

I thought we .. came to an understanding. I thought .. things were going so well. I kept my temper in the midst of the onslaught. I was proud of myself for being able to go through it all .. all the misunderstandings and get them all straitened out like crimped and broken threads.

She told me she may not ever be able to dig around in me like that. But that is all right .. I do not need someone to do that. I just need someone to understand me. If she learned understanding a different way .. that was all right with me. I do not mind. But I did tell her .. it was all right if she wanted to do it that way. If she felt the urge to dig around in me and get her fingers all bloody and get her hands full of who I was as a man ... as a person. I told her .. it was all right.

She said she might not ever learn to do that ... that was all right with me. Then she told me it was probably all moot anyway because her Uncle had chosen another man ... for her.

ow

I had heard rumors .. I had seen her reaction to the young warrior at the stream. I am not stupid. But .. this was the first time she had let me know ... strait up. That all of it was pointless. This was the first time she told me she had no choice. That she would respect her uncle's wishes. This is the first time she told me .. she would survive her heartache ... that her heartache was survivable. So that is when I told her that if her heartache was survivable .. then the timing was ... good. If she was not deep enough in her and I that she would disrespect her uncle .. if she was not deep enough in "us" that she considered any other option than this man her uncle had chosen ... if she was not deep enough into this "thing" we were trying to figure out that her heartache was perfectly survivable ... than how I could not say .. this was a good thing? How could not support her obedience and her respect of her uncle? How could I tell her she was a bad person for doing what she thought was ultimately right? How could I blame her for telling me .. goodbye?

It is not easy to scrape up all your ideas of what might be .. what could be ... what is possible while you are in the process of being so fucking mature. Kudos to me. I am a good man. I did not tell her to fuck off and die for making me believe she was more confirmed in her feelings for me than she was. I did not tell her .. life is full of choices and you are making one that tells me you do not care about me. I did not tell her she was fatalistic and depressing and passive aggressive and I did not tell her she was so lost in her own darkness she could not ever see what little light I had to offer. I did not tell her that her loss of faith and belief was a sure killer of "us" because I did not have any and I had not had time to learn any from her before she fell into the abyss herself. I did not tell her that I can not save myself .. thus I certainly can not save anyone else so willing to topple over and succumb so passively to the nothing. I did not tell her she was weak and pathetic and spineless and I did not blame her for not telling me so sooner .. and giving me false hope in her strength and light.

I did none of those things. Because I am a good man. When the fuck is someone going to notice?

fuck

All my support made her ask me if I was drawing a line and turning her into my sister.

me?

Drawing lines?

huh?

I told her no .. I was not the one drawing lines but by the Sky I am going to respect the lines being drawn for me. And I am going to fucking thank the Sky while I am at it for making it all clear while both of us are still able to survive this.

She said .. she was not ever going to draw those lines. I told her she would. I told her she would be the good niece she all ready told me she was. She would respect her uncle's wishes. I told her Ay would never go against her family decision .. especially if Seveya was willing. Which she was. I know because she told me so. I told her she would respect her mate and be honorable and faithful and ... fuck I was talking out my ass. I was scraping all the good things I could find to say about her .. for her ... because I did not want to say all the other things that I really wanted to say. I wanted to remind her what a good responsible person she was being instead of telling her she was a heartless bitch ... what good would that do?

I have learned it does me no good at all ... remember?

Sky help me I wanted to leave Seveya intact. If I could but save one? If I could just be the good guy once ... and I was. And I meant it. I meant all the good things I said about her. They are all true.

I just wish she was not such a good person. I just wish I could tell her all those bad things about herself .. and that they would be true. Instead I am left with the A B C's of telling me goodbye.

A. Tell me it is all pointless. Tell me there is no hope when I have so much trouble with hope and faith and love in the first place.

B. Tell me you have no choice. Tell me you will do what is right despite the fact that means .. right is without me. Tell me that you are committed to being .. without me ... and remind me that is because you are a good person.

C. Tell me that you will survive not being with me. That it is all right .. in the long run. You will be just fine and all will be well. That your investment in me .. is mortal.

Those .. are the A B C's of telling me .. goodbye.