Méditation IIII

2009-06-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

What Chrysalis This?
My Heart
What waking moment
That tears me open, forced to breathe ...

Too Soon

Angst of Need
To save my whole
Oh bonny maid of visions past
Where in a dream
I laid upon a softened breast
Seduced there I did seem
To Remember

Too Soon

Inward I did fall
Upon a nightmare's song
Sharpened hooks with flesh embraced
In tune with making right a wrong
Saved by Death's whim
And I did Live ...

Too Soon

But to what end?
Judge not .. my heart
Nor its involvement .. or pain
Nor why in pieces found apart
I can not speak of love
Again ...

So Soon

For in that moment
I am born and fate is sealed
Blood to vein and breath to cell
Without the chance to heal
and I can tell ..

That I did Feel ...

Too Soon

©2009 Mine .. still ... more

A Moment of Succor

2009-06-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

I left the pens still looking like death warmed over .. and then set out to cool again. I was wishing I had a drink of fresh water .. or a small cup of blackwine ... anything really. The morning had been successful and irritating at the same time and I was simply tired and grumpy ... hosting a myriad of hurt feelings and the world did not look any better through bleary eyes and faltering step.

I was passing Sahli and Jaella's wagon when she greeted me with a calm quiet smile and I nodded to her .. meaning only to acknowledge her greeting for I had no intention to stay in the frame of mind I was in. But she jumped up and brought me a bota of water that had been kept cool in the shade .. and the gesture was one I needed so badly.

It could have been the warmth of her smile .. the friendly welcome in her eyes ... the coolness of the water or even simply the inviting glow of the small fire. Perhaps it was all of it combined for I was hungry for such and I fell into a crouch near the coals.

She offered me left overs from the midday meal with Sahli and asked me if I wanted to talk about what was wrong or simply enjoy the quiet peace of their fires. My heart warmed to the gestures .. so simplistic and so vital.

The mention of the food made me realize that I had not eaten the day before or yet that day and I was hungry. The stew sounded perfect. It tasted even better for it was flavored with understanding and kindness. It warmed my stomach in a much more healthy way than the paga had and gave me some seriously needed fuel.

We spoke of Sahli .. and several of his voices. Which was good .. I did not want to speak of all my problems or irritations. It would have come out as a bile filled vent or at the least a lot of negative. This conversation though serious was light and between friends. It was of encouragement and acknowledgement and lacked any judgement or condemnation. Jaella needed to know she was making the right decisions for herself .. and for Sahli. I told her she was. I told her she was good for him .. that despite Sahli's natural need to protect her .. she belonged with him. That she gave him a reason not to give in to the manipulations going on inside of him.

I left Sahli's fires with a full stomach and a more peaceful frame of mind thanks to a friend who reached out a hand of kindness and succor despite her own trials and frustrations. Today Jaella renewed my belief in my Tribe Family.

Yew Too

2009-06-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

So .. what does a half dead mostly drunk self pitying asshole recently disturbed from his Fine and Pleasant Misery do to repay the Fucking Bitch for her ill timed and pointedly positive interference with said Misery?

He gets her a kaiila.

It made sense at the time.

So I stumbled off towards the kaiila pens with just this goal in mind.

Cana was there .. Mezoo arrived soon after I did. The railings kept me standing upright for the most part.

Cana showed me the kaiila that Jaella rode back to the Harigga on .. the once Kassar kaiila. I liked him .. a lot. We spoke some about him before I told her what I was after .. get of Yew... preferably a filly. I knew she had Ducat ... this was supposed to be something different.

Cana cut two kaiila for me to see .. one was almost a yearling .. the other had not even been ringed yet. The second .. younger one ... took my interest instantly. A shitass of epic proportions. In the mood I was in .. it worked for me.

We settled on a price .. an interesting price. Then Cana asked me never to let the filly breed with Yew .. I tried to tell her that would not be a problem. I did not know for sure what happened to Yew but a few orders from an Oralu had been enough to find out for sure the beast did not exist in the Harigga.

There was talk with Mezoo .. who was looking for a beast but was not sure what she wished to settle on yet. Cana wondering how I wished the beast trained .. I told her it was for Seveya .. she just shrugged at me and told me that perhaps Seveya was the best judge. I am not sure why she was so distant and short with me. Perhaps it was the aroma of paga that was leaking out of every pore .. would not be the first woman to find that distasteful.

It was about then that Karvek showed up. He came to lean against the rail and while we bantered some about Holo and his ugly mangy offspring .. Cana asked Karvek about Yew. Now Karvek avoided telling Cana strait up what had happened to the kaiila but Cana was a shrewd sleen on a trail and was not going to be satisfied with anything but the truth .. the whole truth. Finally Karvek admitted to burning him on the pyre he had set for his niece.

I saw the blow hit Cana like a physical gut shot. I wanted to step to her side .. but it was not my place and it would have just started a bunch of shit with Karvek that would have made things more complicated then they needed to be. From the corner of my eye .. I saw Mezoo's hand rise ... as if reaching ... only to fall back. She had the same idea I think. I kept my eyes on Ciegue .. he told me more about where Cana was at than I could have learned by watching Cana herself.

I should not have worried. It did not take long for that protective righteous indignation to fire up in Cana and she lit into Karvek.

I started feeling sorry for Karvek. Not that he did not deserve her words but .. damn ... you just do not want to piss that woman off. Especially about her children or her kaiila ... it is just not a good idea at all and Karvek was just walking on into it like he did not see the storm clouds brewing.

damn

When Cana had said her piece and Karvek had walked off .. she came over by the rail and looked at me and cursed Karvek with a request. I told her I would see it was done. Surely the woman knew by now there was not much she could not ask of me.

Mezoo mistook my words for words of anger and hatred. I tried to tell her they were no such thing. I am not such a hypocrite. I understand Karvek .. if not completely I at least know I have done the same and worse for my own reasons and my own motivations. Though I at least retained most of my sanity. I do not like Karvek .. I do not believe he has much to offer the Tribe right now. I believe he has lost his mind and is dangerous to the Harigga and to the plains. But there is no hatred in me for him .. not even for what he did to Seveya ... have I not done worse? I tried to tell Mezoo these things .. to relieve her of the fear that I would allow hatred to mar the ebb and flow of energies around us ... but she gave me a single nod before she changed the subject and spoke to Cana about something I was not involved with.

I felt dismissed .. felt that flame of my temper getting fanned and I chose to step away before it grew into something that would cause me to say or do something I would regret later. The way I was feeling .. it would not have taken long for my temper to react. I left Mezoo and Cana to speak among themselves and I hoped Cana would find some peace of mind as soon as her own temper had a chance to cool.

I took with me the visual of Yew Too .. the shitass little filly. I could not wait to tell Seveya of her.

I wonder if she will recognize the resemblance between owner and beast.

The Theory of Everything

2009-06-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

.. look at it ... this way

Is all that I am .. an everything?

Is all I have to offer .. anything?

The theory of everything .. is it quantum mechanics .. or relativity? Or is it somehow both? Is there a meeting of the very small and the very large where they combine to make matter as we know it? If we did not "know it" would matter exist at all or is it by rights only in existence because of our very conscious played out upon our tiny universe ... if so ... who "knew it" first. Who observed and thus created and formed and caused by mere observation the collective forms of life we have now? Who placed their fingers upon the strings and played the harmony of birth .. this frequency of life... for the first time? Was it merely an accident? A collision of two membranes in an eleventh dimension? Does that explain it all? This theory of .. everything?

As Tuchuk we are taught that we were formed from the rain.. birthed of the Sky. Why does the rain not create any more? Is it now .. millennia later merely a weaker version of the original? Is the power of creation leaking from our universe leaving us on a collision course with our own demise? Are we ingesting our weaker siblings to sustain our own life? The stronger twin reaching for survival at the expense of another and yet by doing so .. are we ensuring our own death?

How .. ironic.

And what .. you ask ... has me questioning my existence in this existential manner? This posing of myself upon the plains of theory and testing their calculations according to my own brain?

What happens when .. all that I am ... is not enough? When the theory of everything .. is equal to nothing?

you suck Fonce

Well in my case a man begins to ask himself the big questions. The bigger questions that are based on the smallest of questions. Theory of Everything Big meets Theory of Everything Small and .. where does Fonce fit in all of that?

I can do this all day.

However .. it is really getting me no closer to the answer I need .. to reach the outcome I prefer. And that ..

... is frustrating and needs paga.

It is rare .. when I drink. Last night ... I drank. A lot. Obviously. More than I can remember. Still was not enough to change anything. Was enough I forgot .. for a bit.

that helped

Hell .. I forgot my name and how to walk and how to talk and almost forgot how to take a piss .. but fortunately that came back to me .. when I needed it.

I was still passed out at the stream .. in a peaceful dreamless state ...otherwise known as unconscious .... when Seveya found me. At first I was pleased to see her .. the alcohol worked that well. Then .. she asked what we were celebrating and the night before started to flood into my conscious. Like a thick coagulated flood .. a slow flood ... one you could walk out in front of or simply step aside from and watch it pass.... eventually.

That kind of flood.

reality sucks

She was trying to talk to me .. and I was trying to listen but it was not yet sinking through the fog of intoxication ... I tried to get my fingers free of the bota strap that had somehow wound its way with serious intent about my hand.

that was fun

I finally asked her to repeat herself .. so I could try again ... to understand her. She asked me once more what we were celebrating .. and I had to tell her .. no .. I did not think this was a celebration. That did not sound right ... I was having trouble with the slow flood .. kicked it a few times to see if it was alive and if I could get a reaction from it.

good luck with that Fonce

I must have said something .. about putting it all away ... meaning my feelings and intentions .... because she started cleaning up my scattered paga skins which were in various stages of death and decay from the night before. Busy people make my psyche hurt on mornings such as this.. much like the light from the Central Fire ... which was intense and far to happy to be appreciated.

Somewhere .. in there ... I let it all spill free and I told her everything.

Everything I had meant to keep from her .. to spare her feelings.

Everything I had meant to keep from her ... to save my pride.

I blame it on the paga.

I desperately needed someone to understand. I desperately needed someone I could sound like I was two .. and rant and rave to ... without their judgement on me.

And she gave me that. She did not get defensive with me .. she did not tell me I was a bad person for being down or for not being enough ... she did not tell me to pull myself together and be a man and go do whatever it took to get Ayguili to give his consent. She took care of the little boy who was crying over his broken toy. She patched up my heart and gave me a cookie and told me a story and made me feel like ... it was all going to be all right no matter what the future held. No matter what the outcome .. not matter what I could do or could not do to fix it .. it was all going to be all right.

fucking bitch

Just made all the things I had decided .. all the ways I had pledged myself and my word to ... that much stronger.

damn her

I hate it when people do not let me drown in my own selfish puddle of woe and self-pity. I was really enjoying my Fine and Pleasant Misery.

fuck

Without Love ..

2009-06-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

.. there is no key
there is no future
and what I feel
must be put away

.. knowing is not enough

Finally .. I found the Ubar. He was sitting by the stream with a host of paga skins surrounding him .. I asked him if he was celebrating or forgetting .. he said he was just drinking.

Well .. right on ... I was still all jacked up on my high and feeling the groove and .. happy.

figures

He offered me a bota and I took it .. dropping down to sit by the edge of the stream ... and then I just shot strait to the point. I told him I had set Mezoo's bride price AND I had come to ask for Seveya's.

There it was .. all wrapped up and tied off in a nice little package and I was grinning wickedly for I thought I had come up with the best bride price for Mezoo .. something that I thought was better than anything I had ever heard of before and would be so clear to everyone about how I felt about her and how much I valued her. It was part of my .. high.

Ayguili arched a brow at me .. like I was two. Was I still sporting my fresh cheeked excitement? I suppose I was .. then he said .. "I thought you told me you didn't love her."

Well yes .. I did. But what did that have to do with anything? Bride prices are not set by love .. they are set by standards of value and with a father's intent to care for his family. Both his daughter .. by finding a man capable of protecting her and providing for her ... and for his own family by extending their wealth by way of their daughter. Love is a nice bonus .. if it happens.

I was about to be set strait on my assumptions.

Ayguili asked me .. if that had changed. I told him .. no ... I could not speak of love but I could speak of my mind .. that it had been made and I knew what I wanted.

And here I expected Ayguili to be all as excited as I was about the fact that I .. knew ... what I wanted. Did he not understand what that was all about for me? what it meant .. to me? Had we not spoken of this?

"Now, let me get this straight, friend to friend. You have come to ask for a bride price, on my ward, that you do not love. That it?"

From his tone .. from his choice of words I began to get the idea I was not getting my point across very well .. and that I had somehow lost Ayguili. "Yes .. that is it."

He asked me if I knew what I was getting into. I told him yes .. probably better than he did himself. How many women had I been around .. with ... in different ways? But .. here .. now ... I knew.

I knew

But he did not get it .. did not get it at all. He told me what I felt was possessiveness and not love .. or caring. But had I not proven I cared for her more than anyone? Including him? What gave him the right to be self-righteous with me now? I was not trying to pass off what I felt as love .. I was not trying to hide anything or disguise what I felt as anything but what it was. But it was more than possessiveness .. it was more than a fleeting desire to have something that would fade or change. Did he not know me better than that? Was I not the one he relied on to be the Oralu .. Second in Command? Perhaps he was forgetting who I was again .. as he had before. Perhaps he was forgetting my loyalty .. my honor. Was that not .. all of it ... a part of me? A part of my decisions and .. since when did I do this lightly? How many woman had I done this with over the years? Had I not shown that I knew my own mind when I said I did?

I tried to explain it to him .. getting rather desperate for him to have some understanding. Not because I felt like I might die without getting what I wanted .. but because I was disappointed he did not understand me. Understand what I was saying .. giving ... what my word was worth. My word was worth more than any fleeting bullshit claim to love that was paraded before him so often ... lies of intent tripping off the tongues of those that forgot that intent months or years into it. And yet he still handed it out to them like it did not matter. This was different than that .. this was my word. This was not some claim to emotion that could and would fade ... this was bigger and stronger and held all my honor within it.

It was my .. word.

But it was not enough. This man who I am .. is not enough. I must have this silly emotion .. this thing I see defiled and full of shit so often. This fleeting feeling that people pick up and discard so easily at their convenience. I do not want this .. I do not want to be such a hypocrite .. I will not be. I will not claim to have this knowledge when I do not. I can not sacrifice my word to get what I want. I should not have to.

I tried to tell Ayguili that what I had found with Seveya was something I had not had in years ... thought I would never have again. Thought perhaps I did not deserve to have. But here it was .. and it was offered to me .. only me. I had to value that .. I had to hold it sacred ... sacred enough for my word.

But it was not enough.

Ayguili went on to tell me how I felt .. to define my motives to me. To tell me that his decision was to protect Seveya from my possessiveness. To make sure that where he had failed before with her .. he would not do so again. That he would give her only to someone who could love her.

And I was not that man.

He told me I needed time .. time to think and to know my mind. I told him respectfully that I had all ready taken that time. That I knew my mind and no amount of his words would change my mind or that it had been made. Ayguili just does not have that kind of power. However.. I had given Seveya back to him for a reason .. and that was for Seveya's protection .. even from me. And I told Ayguili that I would respect his decision. That I would not speak of the bride price again until I could speak of love.

And with that I pronounced the death sentence on the entire thing.

However .. Ayguili did not see it that way. He was pleased with it. Pleased with his decision .. pleased with my adherence to it. Pleased with his own understanding of the entire thing. Which he has a right to be. If he feels I am not good for Seveya? He is probably right and doing the right thing. I have to respect that.

It did not make it any easier to hear. It did not make it any easier to swallow .. that I am not good for her. That I do not care for her. That my word is not enough. That .. all that I am ... is not enough.

I have nothing more to offer.

I asked Ayguili to grant me one thing .. to not speak to Seveya of the fact that I had offered to pay her bride price. Not only to spare her feelings .. but to spare me my pride ... what was left of it.

Ayguili tried to lighten the mood .. but there was no way it was going to be lightened. I did not wish to speak to him any more. Especially of the silly notion .. the childish happiness I had felt. I would not drag it out and have it judged as well. I told him I would set a different bride price for Mezoo .. one that was normal and mature and had nothing to do with my happiness. One that fit the normal rules and traditions .. one that did not touch me. He agreed to that .. and that he wanted to speak to Oren and Astar and the family before he asked it of me .. so I had time.

I did not need time to be uncreative and boring. I will have the price when he is ready to ask it of me.

I left Ayguili .. I was disappointed and angry and heart broken. I had offered everything I have .. I had given my word ... and all that I am .. and all that I have .. is not enough. I was judged and found .. lacking. I was sorry for myself .. I was petulant and ... two. I did not know what to do .. how do I take all that I am and see it from his eyes? How do I accept that who I am as a man .. who I have become ... is worthless. How do I admit that .. to Seveya? How do I tell her that .. I did not throw everything between us away? And how do I not tell her that I asked for her bride price and I was refused because I do not care enough? That my word is useless when it comes to her future and how much I will care and provide for her? How easy it would be to allow that word to fall off my tongue as others do. And yet .. I can not.

I can not be so false.

Everything I have found .. everything I have learned to feel ... I must put away. I must deny and pretend as if it does not exist. I must forget .. and move on and allow her to move on and find this love with a man capable of offering it to her. Perhaps Ayguili is right. I would only break her heart. Perhaps he is correct and all I want to do is possess her and I care nothing for her .. only my will to own her.

But that is not true .. I did own her. I did possess her and I gave her up for her own good. For the good of Ayguili who needed to prove to himself and those around him he could be a better guardian. I had given her back to give everyone a chance to prove themselves passed their own mistakes .. and I was the one being judged? I was the one that was .. not enough?

What the fuck?

I was being two again.

Back and forth .. accusatory and defensive ... it went on the rest of the night and I finally went for the paga simply for the soul purpose of drowning out the argument in my own head.

And Sahli thought he had issues.

The Voices of Sahli

2009-06-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

Conversations with Sahli can be interesting. If you can keep up with who is who .. otherwise they are rather confusing. Now .. as I said before ... I do not "do" spirits. And yet that is what seems to inhabit .. Sahli. I do not know if they are actually spirits of dead people .. people who were once real. Or if they are pieces of Sahli .. fractured and groomed to be of different uses for different needs. It would not be the first time I have had a conversation with someone who had different "inhabitants". I talk to such a person as I would any other person .. I just have more conversations within that conversation. It does no good to tell someone that they do not exist save in the imagination of a host personality. I mean .. honestly ... if I said that to you .. would you believe me? Of course not .. to you .. you are an entirety .. a singular being with self awareness. It is no different even when it is a fractured piece.

Even if that fractured piece is aware of the fact that there are others .. it does no good to deny existence.

Like .. denying the existence of feelings. Even when they are inappropriate and built on a lie .. something that never even existed like a misunderstanding .. they still ... exist. It does nothing functional to tell someone what they feel is not real. You have to acknowledge the feeling before you can get to the logical reality that what they feel should never have been felt because what they thought happened .. never happened.

Now if I just confused you .. I would not suggest having a conversation with Sahli. But if you actually followed me through all that .. you might stand a chance of having a conversation and coming out on the other side with your brain still intact.

Now .. I am a man at war with himself. But at least my selves know that to be functional .. there are rules. Sahli's .. inhabitants ... are not very respectful of the rules and that is not always good for Sahli. I tried to tell a couple of them that if they did not learn to be functional they were going to blow out their host and .. then what? It can not be that easy to possess because if it was .. well then we would all have a plethora of voices because I think that is what a spirit misses most .. a tongue.

Now in the middle of that .. piece of advice ... to the pieces ... Sahli said something to me that caught my attention. In the middle of naming off people who were not "like this" .. he said .. "Tao.. is not like this.. Only me." Well.. what did Sahli know of Tao? They were both drummers .. but ... did I need to get involved? I let it go .. but I had to wonder if Tao was up to his shitass tricks and if he had been messing with Sahli.

would figure

Then .. he started in on T'zuri. Now I figure it was to get me all wound up and in fact it did a number on me .. but I would never have let him know that. Would not do anyone any good to let it get to me .. in any way that could be seen or known. But someone in Sahli handled it before I had to and .. well ... with that he also ended the conversation. A very protective entity this .. and I could appreciate it. If there is such a strong one within Sahli who also will protect Sahli .. Sahli stands a chance of coming out on the other side. Now .. I know some tips and tricks and I know some ways to help Sahli but .. as I told Jaella ... it will have to be Sahli's idea and Sahli will have to ask me. I can not help Sahli despite Sahli .. I can only help Sahli if Sahli helps me help him.

All in all it was an interesting little sideline of conversation .. on my way to find the Ubar ... but it did not deter me or cause my intent to waiver at all and when I finally reached the Main Fires and I was finally told that Ayguili was seen last heading towards the stream .. I had a destination and there was nothing that was going to waylay me again.

Mezoo!! I Know..

2009-06-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

To know .. it is a thing most powerful to me. A gift. A thing I value when it happens to me. Despite all the wicked cruel things it means in entirety .. just the ability for me to know is something I hold precious.

I was excited .. when I left Seveya. I had intent .. though I stopped long enough at the stream to bathe myself and I was in the process of walking towards the Main Fires when I came across Mezoo. I stopped to speak to her .. actually she got my attention by commenting on the fact it had been a long time since she heard me sing. I dawned on me that I was indeed .. singing. A low toned song I have sung many times for the bosk while riding nights.

I must have been wearing my expressions .. for she saw them ... recognized them for at least their feel if not their source. She told me she was on her way to see grandmother though .. she admitted to being a little intrigued by my appearance .. and I know she did not mean the fact that I was wet and braiding my hair. She meant something else entirely.

I told her that it was good she was on her way to see Oren for .. Oren had been chewing off Ayguili's ear about missing Mezoo. She said it had been about a hand since she saw Ayguili .. and she had a list of people who she needed to make contact with. She said Pacu had led her to believe that not all was well between her and Oren and that perhaps some space was in order. Well that shocked the shit right out of me .. I told her that I was not sure what Pacu was up to or had in his brain but I could tell her for sure that all was well with her in Oren's eyes .. and Ayguili's as well ... and I said that with a slow wide grin.

I told her that Ayguili had charmed Oren in a way I was jealous and envious of and that the man had found a place in her heart that I had seen few do. She admitted she was on her way to see Oren and the family despite everything Pacu had said anyway .. and then she said ... "But you .. look at you. You are braiding your hair, you sing, you have even bathed."

I was wounded .. "Hey .. I bathe!"

She asked me if I would share with her .. what it was all about or if I was in a hurry to go somewhere ... I played innocent and asked her .. what ... I was supposed to share?

She pronounced it must be going to remain a mystery .. and that at least she had shared her's all over when she had it. I asked her then .. seriously ... if she actually wished to know. If it was not just politeness .. her query.

It was her turn to look wounded and she wanted to know if after all these years if I had not learned she wished to know both my sorrows and my joys .. that she cared about me.

I told her it was not easy for me to share .. either one. She told me she was patient .. she has to be because I am a slow learner. She was still talking .. about that ... when I told her...

... I know.

I could not think of a better way to say it .. for me that summed it all up.

She missed it though .. so I said it again ... a little more urgently.

I know.

And then she surprised me .. she gathered me up in a hug and kissed my cheek.

well damn

I guess she .. understands.

So I gathered her up in my arms and picked her feet up off the ground and she smacked me on my chest .. I set her down with a chuckle and she said to me .. "It is a wonderful feeling .. isn't it?"

I answered .. it was certainly a different feeling. A feeling that I want to explore and at the same time I am not sure I want to explore it at all.

She told me I did .. indeed ... wish to explore it that it was written all over my expression and it seeped from my pores and exhaled in the sound of music.

I grunted.

She patted me on the arm and asked me .. if I could think of a good reason not to explore it?

I told her .. not yet but that knowing me ... I was sure I would come up with something.

I admitted I had not told Oren yet .. and I did not intend to ... not yet. She warned me Oren would come after me and make me herd verr in punishment. I had to chuckle .. but I told her I could not and if I was wearing it so easily visible than I was going to even avoid her for the next few days. I just wanted to do it when it was time .. when the time was right. She understood.

I told her I needed to speak to Ayguili .. first. Then I would come and speak to her about it. And then .. I let her know ... I had set her bride price.

Amusement danced in my gaze .. I was busting out with it. Pride and .. this feeling I can not exactly define yet. I was excited .. like a wet behind the ears unscarred boy who just earned his name and wants to shout it all over the Harigga and hear it from a million Tuchuk voices .. hear it grace the tongues of Elders who I have looked up to for years .. just for that day. That is what it was like .. for me.

She asked me .. if I was sure .. he would be accepting of what I wanted. I brushed it aside .. how easy I look back on that now and curse her for being the Spex she is. Curse myself for not realizing her tongue was full of omens ... her words were portents. I told her .. I was sure. Was I not? Was I not sure he knew more than any man alive how much I was willing to respect and protect Seveya? Even from him? Even from Karvek? What more could a guardian ask for? That I would provide and protect even better than he himself had done. What more? No I was sure Ayguili would be as excited as I was .. because ... I knew. And according to Mezoo it was written all over me. There was no secret .. surely I would not even have to explain it. I was riding high on a cloud that was destined to be evaporated by lightning.

figures

In my blissful ignorance of her omen I excitedly told Mezoo that the price had set for her was high .. the highest price I could think of ... priceless in fact. And I chuckled .. chuckled with a happiness that I despise now .. that I abhor ... and I curse. How naive and pitiful was my happiness .. how pathetic and weak .. how shortsighted and worthless.

But in that moment .. there was no knowledge of that. There was only this bliss .. this happiness. There was only what I felt and what I .. knew ... and there was more. Mezoo saw it and understood it and in that also there was a blessing to me. I felt .. understood. It only served to set me up higher .. so that my fall would hurt worse.

fucking figures

The Cruelest Cut of All

2009-06-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

Lights go down, it's dark
The jungle is your head
Can't rule your heart
a feeling so much stronger than
a thought
Your eyes are wide
And though your soul
It can't be bought
Your mind can wander

Hello, Hello
I'm at a place called Vertigo
It's everything I wish I didn't know
Except you give me something i can feel ..

Feel

-U2

Touched me .. it sounds so benign. It is not a touch at all .. it is more like a cut .. a slice ... a deep wound that threatens the heart of me. Yes I have a heart .. yes it can be hurt. And yes I am aware of what hurts my heart and when it is hurt.

And that .. fucking hurts.

The kind of hurt you can not wash away .. or get off ... it sticks there lingering and festering and changing who I am .. forever.

Love .. it is the cruelest cut of all.

I wear the scars of it .. I bear the marks of it. I have been touched by it. Though I can not believe this thing lives within me as something of me. I bear the design of it upon my soul and I can not scrape or cut it away. If I have the capability of this thing .. this love ... it is beyond my understanding that I do. I believe it exists .. as a counterpart to who I am inside. I believe it is my most beloved of enemies. My most respected opponent. It is rare that it gets passed my defenses .. but lately I have been attacked and wounded twice.

Perhaps I am getting old.

Is it what draws me to Seveya? That she holds this thing? This love?

no

No .. if you believe that ... you do not know me well. No .. that is not it at all. In fact it is a perfect reason for me to avoid the hell out of her. I do not like to be hurt. I do not like to feel the slip of blade beneath my defenses .. when it sinks deep into my flesh with a squelching sound ... when I know it has sunk into my very core ... and I know the mark will remain even after the wound heals. I am not this emotional masochist .. despite the respect I have for my enemy and the fact I will not run ... it does not mean I seek the battles.

There are many women with faith and hope and love .. women that hold those heights and breadths within them. Who have the capacity to touch others with it .. to leave their marks ... their scars. So no .. that is not what draws me to Seveya.

My attraction is much more selfishly driven .. simplistic in its monstrosity. Beautiful .. as a single celled organism .. a parasite with primordial hungers and desires that are pure and undefiled by higher thinking humanity. I seek that which I do not have .. I feed from that which offers me survival.

She makes me feel. I can feel her. She impacts me. I am addicted ... I ingest it like the desert sand soaks up a brief rain shower. It is something I will seek .. it is something I will kill for. It is something I will destroy to obtain. It is something I have destroyed to possess. I tried to tell her .. to make her understand ... what it is ... to me. How it works .. for me. That there is nothing sacred that I hold above it. That there are no laws .. when it comes to that.. no loyalty ... no honor. That all those carefully crafted and maintained rules I have made ... I will break every single one of them in the name of this thing. That she is not safe from me .. nothing she has or can give to me is safe from my desire for it. That I will walk through .. burn through ... and tear down anything that gets in the way of it.

I told her I have done as much as Karvek .. and worse ... for less.

I think that is when it started to dawn on her .. what I was trying to say. What I was trying to convey to her. What I was trying to warn her about. I know .. because she told me something ... something that gives me the knowledge she has been touched by this thing in me. And I have left my mark on her .. and it is not a pretty mark. It is not about love or faith or belief ... it is ugly and dangerous and dark and it is selfish and it is jealous and it is base and vile and horrific in its intentions.

But .. it is me. It is something I am inside. It is something that is a part of me. It is something that I harbor and something that I protect as much as it protects me. Even when we threaten to demolish each other.. I am a man at war with himself. She must understand that .. about me.

I think she does .. now.

But she still did not run away from me. Even after she knew what I was capable of .. even after I admitted that .. for this thing .... I have been a far worse man than Karvek ever was to her. That I have done .. more horrific things to someone in its name. And that I will do so .. again ... for it. I warned her that my attraction for it is sexually driven. I do not know how it works for Karvek .. but for me ... it is sexual. That I will and have used sex to obtain it .. as a means of power and control. That her sensibilities will not matter to me .. her body .. her mind ... her spirit will hold no sway over me and I will destroy one or all to hold this thing in my hand and taste it ... ingest it. I gave her an out .. even while admitting I was not sure the "out" was serious and true ... because I all ready knew ... too much. I had all ready ... felt. Perhaps it was too late .. I still tried to save her.

But she would have none of my saving .. she would have none of my warnings ... she still walked into me and laid her sticky black tar on my heart and damn her for that. Damn her for not listening .. damn her for understanding ... damn her for not running away and begging Ayguili to protect her from me.

And yet .. would it have mattered if she did? I do not know .. perhaps not. Perhaps it would not have done anything to save her at all because it is too late .. too late because ..

... I know.

Full .. of it

2009-06-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today I learned a lot about the woman .. Seveya. Today I learned about her wants and desires and ambitions. I learned she does not want to be a slave .. but that she was willing to give up her wants for me. She does not understand .. what it is to be a slave. I know that now. I knew it then .. but there was a part of me that wanted to accept what she gave me for several reasons. Not the least of them being .. because it was easy. Because it was comfortable. Because it meant I did not need to understand it or give it my concentration .. it would no longer be a problem to figure out. I would just be able to accept it and go from there. She would not threaten me .. my comfort. I could shove her into the slave wagon if I got claustrophobic and be done with it. Keep her on my terms .. allow what I wanted when I wanted and only what I wanted. She could make no demands on me .. for anything.

And there is something to that .. when a man is comfortable he allows things he normally might not. Allows glimpses .. intimacies. A slave knows things about a man that perhaps no one else does. I can see how that is attractive to a woman that wants to have .. everything ... from a man. And who is willing to offer .. everything ... to get it.

But today she admitted to me .. who she really is beneath it all. Without the fear of loss ... without the desire for ... everything. Stripped of all that .. she is a free woman .. a Tuchuk free woman. Spirited and strong .. strong enough to submit .. and honest enough to learn that is not where she belongs. A woman who learns .. who is honest enough to admit she can learn from her mistakes without defending them to the death because she is afraid to look bad. I like that. There is hope there. I must value hope when I am fortunate to come across it.

Today she gave me her word she would never again sacrifice herself. Who she is .. for me or anyone else. Today she gave me her promise to preserve that part of her .. no matter what. That setting aside who she was as a free woman to get something she is afraid she might lose otherwise .. is not the answer. That I would not be worth that sacrifice if I ever asked for it .. or accepted it.

There was a comfort .. for me ... in her promise .... I know my own capability to ask for things I should not.

I must value that I can talk to her .. and figure out how to understand her. That I do not rage at her .. much ... yet. I am sure that will come .. it always does. That is the only thing that holds me back .. reins me in... a little. My capacity for abuse .. my tendency to defile that which I need the most. Today I learned that I would .. defile her. Today I learned that I most likely will .. if she is not careful... perhaps even if she is. That she is someone who can and does inspire things in me that I am not proud of. That I am afraid of .. afraid of because of the power there. I respect it like I do a warrior who has bested me in battle .. bested me ... but I am still alive and he is still planning on killing me and I can either run away or pick up my lance and figure it out.

I am not running away.

Today I learned that Seveya is full of belief .. and hope ... and love. That she has all those things that sift through my fingers like grains of sand. Full of that black sticky tar that stains whatever it touches and leaves a mark behind that can not be washed away no matter how much I scrub at it. No matter how much I rage at it and try to destroy it .. it exists with a power that is beyond my own to tear it down. Her depth is beyond my comprehension. Her capacity is beyond my ability to measure. I weep for its beauty even while my fingers dig and tear into its flesh in my destructive attempts to understand and know it .. and prove it to be fallible .. and mortal.

Today .. despite the wounds I tore into her ... she stood steady and calm. Today despite the threats .. despite the dawning of her understanding of what I am capable of ... she moved towards me. She saw a flicker .. a glimpse ... of the heights and breadths and depths I will go to. And she still touched me.

Touched me with this thing I call ... love.

Scarlet Kiss

2009-06-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

I knew it was not going to be easy explaining the amalgamation of the brush to Seveya. And I felt bad .. responsible ... that I had been so careless. It just had not occurred to me that the two symbols would attract to each other has hard as they had. But what was done was done and there was not much I could do about it now .. so the next step was to take the thing to her and attempt to explain myself as best I could and take whatever consequences came with it.

I found her by the kaiila pens .. leaning against the railing and watching the kaiila. With a hunter's step I came up behind and I placed my hands on the rail to either side of her and said her name in her ear .. at the same time bracing for the surprised elbow that I figured would find a home against my ribs. But she caught herself at the last moment and instead turned within my arms to hug me.

I am not sure why .. or how ... but I felt her. For the first time I felt the impact of her .. energy ... life force. It is not often that I can feel someone but when I do it is very intense and .. attractive. But I was also concerned .. what had happened? Had she been injured again? Had something happened to her heart? Her mind? It was not just a flicker .. it was a full blast against me and I needed to know why.

She answered that .. she had killed someone. It was her fault .. he was dead.

figures

I started making plans to accommodate for such a thing .. Fonce in laundry mode. I asked her where the body was.

Then she attempted to explain .. that Yew was dead and Karvek was lording that over her with great pleasure.

huh

That repainted the picture I was getting .. quite a bit. I asked her if she had found him .. she said not yet but she would leave to do so. She was crying now and .. that was just making everything a little harder to catch up on and understand.

Long of it was complicated and took a few false starts before we got anywhere .. short of it was she decided that knowing for sure what had happened to Yew was not as important as remembering him the way she knew him .. running across the plains with the wind.

Once that was decided I asked her if we could speak of something else for a moment. I really was trying to be sensitive about Yew .. I knew he was important to her ... but there was another burden on my shoulders and I could not help but wish it to be cleared up ... one way or the other. I expected her to be upset and even angry with me. But I did not have a lot of investment in the result .. I simply wanted to clear my conscience .. I would take what might come as natural.

I had wrapped the brush in a white cloth before shoving it into my vest pocket .. by the time I retrieved it to give it to her the thing had bled through leaving a scarlet stain. I told her what had happened .. I told her about the vulo and how it had escaped my hands once I had pulled it from my dream. How the two had .. connected ... and were now one. I told her I did not know what that would mean or how it had changed the brush .. only that it had. That I could not stop the brush from .. bleeding.

She explained to me it bled the color she would have painted with it .. that it was meant to be. I am not sure about that .. that it was "meant to be". I do not have a lot of faith .. let alone faith in destiny and fate. They are not predictable and rarely work in my favor. But at least she was not angry with me .. she took it well ... considering. I was thankful for that. Thankful that she was not disappointed as I had expected her to be. I had not wished to add any more loss onto her ... she had suffered too much all ready. Some might argue it was her own doing and I suppose it was .. but the moment I start judging anyone for their mistakes I usually get judged even more harshly so I was reserving any such thing at the moment. Besides .. how could I truly fault someone for trying to find me so hard .. when that is something I need so badly?

Perhaps that is why I kissed her. Because she found me .. because I felt her find me. I do not know. I know that I did though .. and I kissed her hard enough to break the seam of her lip loose from the hold of the stitches ... the click of our teeth a herald for the exploration of her mouth. The heavy-sweet metallic taste spread over my tongue before I realized what I had done and leaned back .. examining her lip to make sure I did not tear a stitch completely away. But it was a small break and it would heal over again. Relieved .. I wanted one more taste of her before I let her go. At first I was concerned she would be shocked .. embarrassed ... perhaps even disgusted by the gesture. But she was not .. and I knew she was not because ... I could feel her. Feel the ebb and flow .. the rush of emotions like a life pulse that throbbed through her entire body ... leaking energy from every pore. It is a thing .. intoxicating ... to me. Something I have experienced only a few times in my life. Certainly something I find great value in. Something that makes me feel alive .. makes me feel ... real.

The brush? I do not know what will come of the brush now. I do not know what it is meant for .. if anything at all. I know I am responsible for the change .. whether good or bad. Perhaps she is right and the destiny of the brush can not be swayed by such an insignificant thing as the carelessness of a human. Perhaps she is correct and the brush will fulfill itself despite me .. or anyone or anything. Her belief and faith is something that I am drawn to .. it heals a little of my soul in contact. I do not know what that means.

One thing I do know .. the brush is back where it belongs ... in the hands of the Artist.

And in turn .. I envy the brush ... and the knowledge of where it belongs.

Ode To A Nightingale

2009-06-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

"Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient day by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charmed magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn."

-Keats

There were two Elders who joined me at the fire that night. The first was there to share a fine Turian liqueur with me. The second .. I am not sure why he was there. Perhaps there are fewer Haruspex who call up the spirits now days and perhaps .. he was lonely for someone to remember his name and to ask him of old days and when he heard the call .. he simply showed up.

The first was a tall slender feminine figure .. all black with arms like slender branches. Her eyes were green with yellow specks. She came to me from the tem forests .. I was appreciative. She settled across the fire from me letting her feet sink deep into the rick soil .. wary of the flames but she knew what the fire was built of and fueled by and knew I would never have disrespected her with anything else. She rustled when she moved .. like a fine lady. A lady trained to make just such sounds when she moved.

The second was a hoary old man with wet mossy hair of gray and green that fell from his head nearly to the ground .. it mingled with his beard and mustache until it was hard to tell which was which. His face was full of crags and his eyes were hard like granite but still with a gleam of days gone by. Days when greater deeds and greater men lived upon the soil. Days when the mountains were young .. the great rivers were merely runoff rivulets ... and valleys were nothing but bosk wallows.

The Lady of the Tem was pleased to see the Old Man of the Mountains .. it seems they had not spoken to each other in many hundreds of years and I sat quiet while they renewed their immortal friendship and spoke of mutual acquaintances as well as lamented the lack of respect from humans these days. Mourned their own kind who had gone to sleep .. and blamed most of it on the destruction and raping of the land by the humans.

I do not know if humans are more disrespectful now than they were then. I have learned that many old speak that way without really having a good example of why .. it is always so and never do they feel respect from anyone young. Perhaps .. the young today are no different than the young of yesterday. But it was not for me to surmise upon their conversation .. I merely remained patient as they spoke together. All humanity seemed but youth to these.

Time is nothing to the Elders. My time .. the entirety of my life ... is but a blink of their eye and I am nothing but a stray drop of rain fallen from the Sky and given form and voice. I mean very little .. and yet I knew their names and I knew the ways to call upon them and .. in that there was something. For no one wishes to be forgotten.

They seemed to remember I was there ... long after they had arrived but I did not mind. I never grew weary or tired listening to their stories .. of the times before. Sometimes they even spoke of the times before men .. but that was rare. They seemed to hold that time sacred unto themselves .. as if ... it was something too precious to simply discuss like it was any other topic.

The Lady of the Tem spoke then to me of the great forests and the voices of her sisters that were growing fainter and more distant in the North. She worried for them but had not made the journey to see for herself. She asked me to see of them when I journeyed North .. and upon the next year to bring her word. She gave me specific names to call upon and I told her I would do this for her. It was my experience that the Elders rarely if ever left their specific place of residence very far these days .. during the days of men. Though some .. like the Man of the Mountains had come quite a distance in response to my calling the Lady's name. He spoke of his own forests .. of those Elders still there among the great heavy broken pieces of the land stacked upon themselves as high as the Sky itself. He told me a of a lake .. a lake he bid me find some day. A circular lake at the very top of the mountains .. it was here he lived and it was here he bid me come .. for he had a gift for me. A special gift .. but I would not receive it unless I made the journey from my beloved plains. He said it was in return for the gift given him .. the gift of knowing his name when he arrived.

It was then that the Lady of the Tem asked me why I had called upon her .. it seemed the time for business had come. I told her .. and the Man of the Mountains ... about my plight in the case of the Tuchuk woman Cana and her mate .. the Beloved of the Sky ... and the strange dreams she was given .. and my inability to find Ba'atar through them. I spoke to them of the white vulo with no eyes .. and I spoke to them of the accident with the paintbrush. They listened and nodded and told me that bringing two such symbolic articles together created rifts and tears in the fabrics of time and space and in this case the two had been made one. That I would suffer the consequences of such carelessness .. both good and bad.

They told me .. they had heard the Sky call the name of Ba'atar .. but they had not involved themselves in the affairs of men and could not tell me why .. or what that meant. They told me that they had no answers for me .. but then they told me that I could possibly find my answers through .. Marrianne. It was a human name .. and I asked them of this Marrianne. They told me she was someone who sometimes walked the place between the grass and the Sky. I told the Elders I did not communicate with spirits. They chuckled .. as if I was some foolish boy and they shook their heads .. as Elders do. The Lady told me to seek this Marrianne and the Old Man told me he knew her .. she sang for him ... and her name was a human name he would remember.

The Old Man told me a story .. of a beautiful Tuchuk woman who walked between the grass and the Sky at times .. and she would sing of peace and goodness that soothed some of the Elders. I asked him .. had she been a Singer? He seemed to stare at me for a hundred years before he patiently reminded me that things as I knew them .. were not the way things were beyond. The words of Clan and bloodline meant nothing to him. Humans were a plague that would run itself out sooner or later and the Elders would inherit their land once more. Those who had not decided to sleep that is.

It took me a few moments .. but I asked them to speak to Marrianne for me and to let her know that I wished to communicate with her. They nodded in their way and said they would pass along the message. By that time the coals were low and nearly ash and the night was old and almost gone. They left me there and I do not know if they will pass along my message or not .. or if they will forget .. because everything I am and all that I need is such a transient fraction of time for them. Would they? Would they reach Marrianne for me? Or would they go off among their forests and mountains and forget I even existed? Or perhaps they would remember a thousand years from now .. but a moment for them ... and find Marrianne for me .. only too late.

I am not even sure how I feel about speaking to her .. this Marrianne.

I do not do spirits.

The Distance Between

2009-06-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

So after everythings. And I do mean .. everythings. Because everything plus everything times everything compounded by everything equals ... everythings. So after all the everythings ... I avoided the First Fires and I avoided my family and I avoided my friends and I avoided my "not so friends" and most of all I avoided Seveya.

Seems a cruel thing to do .. it is. It is a very cruel thing to do but a necessary thing to do. I had spoken to Ayguili about my concerns. About the fact that Seveya felt safe with me. That she felt protected by me .. and she knew I would protect her if she came to me again. Now I had gotten a promise from Seveya to wait three hands before throwing herself at me. Yes .. it was safe .... no I was not sure it was the right thing for her yet. Did it make my life easier? Of course. I could have everything and give nothing. Would I take that from a Tuchuk woman of the First Fires .. a woman I had respect for? Not without a lot of convincing and I .. was not convinced.

So it fell on me to protect her .. from me. To give her some space to think and be rational. To consider her life and her future and what she wanted from it .. for her. Without me. If I died tomorrow .. what would she want? To be a camp slave? To die on my pyre? Or did she want to be Seveya .. the woman that I knew some about and had learned to respect. Did she want to ride her Yew and be responsible in her clan and find the many little ways that the members of the First Fires served the rest of the Tribe? Without those moments of fear .. fear of her uncle ... fear of ever getting through to me ... fear of never being enough for me ... without those fears making her feel as if she did not have time to think ... what did she think? What did she feel? What did she want out of this future of hers?

I wanted to know .. Seveya ... the real Seveya .... without my own wants and desires and scars and weaknesses and needs and anger getting in the way. Because I know me .. and at some point I have to know who she is beneath all that or I can not believe in her. I can not have any faith in her if she remakes herself to my whims. I have too many whims and none of them are consistent. I am careless with my whims .. I leave them laying around for anyone to stumble over. I needed to work on that .. but until I do ... I need to know that Seveya is safe and secure inside of herself. That she understands her feelings well enough to know herself in the middle of them. Feelings are lying controlling sneaky fuckers and without a basic thread of knowledge of who you are you can easily get lost in them.

And the first thing that needed to happen for this to happen was that I needed to be scarce and not go stirring up all her feelings and making the waters all muddy and murky and hard to see through. The hurt of my distance would be nothing compared to the hurt of her losing herself. I wanted with everything I am as a man to ensure that she did not do that. That she did not lose herself .. not because of her uncle .. not because of Ayguili and not because of me. Seveya deserved a chance .. a chance to learn ... a chance to be.

And there were plenty of women around who knew what it was to make those kinds of choices and stick with them .. I figured they would have her back. They would share their wisdom and their knowledge and their survival skills.

How to not trip over a man's whims and drown in your own feelings for him-101.

And I was going to give them a chance to do that without said man hanging around and getting in the way.

Not that all this was easy for me. I had been given a gift .. a gift of "everything" and I had to give it back and be mature and responsible when there were parts of me .. parts of me that were not so grown up and mature ...that wanted to keep my gift and play with it and make it mine. Drag it all over and show it to my friends and be proud of it and then leave it out in the rain and forget where I laid it. Two days later to wake up and demand to know why it was not where I wanted it when I wanted it .. despite where it was happened to be where I left it. And to throw a colossal temper about the entire thing. Find my gift .. clean it up and patch it back together and then start the entire process all over again.

And .. knowing that about myself still does not change a damn thing.

Melody of Change

2009-06-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I had come to the fires .. dusty and dry and needing water. A lot of water. Everyone greeted me normally .. as they usually do. Except Asria. Who grinned at me and greeted me with an over exuberant bubbling of excitement. I took a few more drinks of water .. I had a feeling I was going to need it.

She said she wanted to talk to me .. figures. Ayguili asked her if it were not something she needed to speak to her guardian about. I am not sure why he said that .. perhaps he thought Asria forgot who her guardian was ... but I know for a fact Asria will never forget that. I was there for her reaction .. it is not something that is going to just .. slip her mind. In fact .. she likes to remember it ... just for spite.

So we stepped aside and I took my usual lean on one of the large rear wheels of a supply wagon. Black gaze resting on her waiting to hear .. this one. I was not exactly warm and fuzzy with Asria since our tangle about love and trust and my complete loss of sanity accompanied by a few "fuck offs" and her promises of never "fucking off" and yet .. her subsequent and thoroughly predictable "missing in action" .. which is a lot like "fucking off".

I was not expecting to like what she had to say or enjoy our conversation or .. get along at all. She asked how I was and I gave the standard answer of "all right" which is standard and for the most part true. She arched her brow at me as if she did not believe me and then told me she was there for me.

huh

There for me for anything I might need from her even things she might not like to be there for. Which .. taken at face value is worth a lot and I thanked her for it .. but like I said our last conversation was still ringing in my ears and that simple statement was not cutting through the din much.

She told me she would not ask about my personal business .. I could tell there was a lot behind that statement .. more than she wished me to realize. She told me she would never forget it .. that she was there for me. She told me that she would be there for me even when I made her disgustingly angry. "Disgustingly angry" .. I needed to remember that ... I liked it. I told her that meant something. And though my tone was rather distant I did mean my words.

I waited to hear what she had to say .. the original reason she pulled me aside. She let the silence hang there for a moment before she spoke. She told me she had been to the Clan fires .. had spoken to them about the fact the calendars did not speak to her. She had told them about the children and the stories. She told me about some disagreement between the Elders about where she belonged .. with the Year Keepers or with the Singers. I asked her .. what did she think? Figured that was the important question to start off with.

She told me she did not want to tell me what she thought until I gave her my own thoughts .. because they were important to her ... my thoughts. I explained that we had tried this before and it had not gone very well and I was not going to risk it again at this point .. so she could go ahead and talk and I would then let her know my opinions or .. well ... that was her only option.

She asked me if I had ever heard her tell stories .. I had in passing. She told me that she thought the Clan of Singers was a feminine Clan .. I told her I did not think so at all but then I was slightly biased. She told me she did not like calendars and they did not like her but she wanted to be a Singer. I told her that I was not surprised .. it is rare that when we do something solely based on the ideas of another that it lasts much after the other stops putting all the energy into it. So no .. I was not surprised her energy no longer drove her towards the Year Keepers now that Trayu was there to inspire it. I then asked her if she liked to sing. Figured that would be the next important question to the equation. She said yes .. she did very much and though she was not great at it yet she figured that liking it was more important than just talent. To which I agreed.

However I reserve my opinion of Asria as a Singer until I actually hear her sing. And though I would still consider her a Singer .. even if she can not sing ... it is not something I am going to be pushing for her to do around anyone that is not tone deaf.

She told me she had wanted and needed my approval and I assured her that she had it. She touched me and kissed me on the cheek ... and I smirked .. told her this was a good change for her ... a mature one that showed a little thought and planning outside her life with Trayu. Which of course I thought was a good thing.

She told me I was hard to crack. Now that could mean several things.. and I told her so ... I told her that really depended on what she wanted from me. She described to me a crack .. a crack she would be able to slip in passed my guard .. a crack I would simply turn around one day and find her in and I would be happy about it when I did. I told her basically .. good luck ... with the kissing on the cheek and touching my arm thing. It just did not compare to a slave begging rape and rubbing her wet pussy on my thigh. I am not saying that has happened recently .. not recently enough honestly ... but my point was still valid that when a man is faced with women who are free to seek his attention in very dramatic and exposed ways .. a peck on the cheek or a touch on the arm is just friendly. It is not what is going to make me look at her as anyone other than Trayu's widow .. because that is how she acts.

Well that is how she acts when she is not trying to piss me off.

She asked me .. how to get my attention like that .. as a woman and not just a friend and I told her I really did not know. Would be easier for me if I had some kind of clue and I could just hand out instructions. But that is not the case and I am just as much in the dark about how to get my attention than anyone else is. It is rare that I "feel" that connection with someone. It is rare that I "feel" the desire to seek .. to find ... to take and make my own. For that matter it is rare that I feel at all besides the rush of my temper.

Then she told me she hoped that the way to get my attention was not .. submitting to me.

huh

So every woman out there really does think that is what I want and what I think I need. When it is not the case .. not the case at all. Fuck .. I really needed to think this through and think about the way I have been communicating with women because they just are not understanding me in the least. I felt bad .. felt a pang of guilt for Seveya and I became even more convinced I was the agent in her misstep with me and her future. It humbled me a little to be the orchestrator of such drama and pain .. even the falling down of the relationship between her and her uncle. Not because I did not believe Karvek held his own responsibilities there ... but that I had any hand in her misunderstanding of what she herself wanted or desired for herself out of the future .. a future she was pretty damn sure involved me ... or at least should.

Could I blame the woman for wanting to conform herself to fit me .. in any way she could to accommodate for my own weaknesses .. my own scars and cracks in my soul? Well yes .. yes I could and I had some words for her about then. But they would have to wait because I was busy assuring Asria that I did not need a woman to submit to me to be a part of my life. Sky help me if Asria submitted on top of everything else I was going to ask for a patrol that took me as far as Ar. But Asria was assuring me just as much as I was assuring her .. that it was not even possible for her to do something like that. And I was reassured .. indeed.

No Zot. That means there is a charge building somewhere with my name on it.

figures

I want a woman to be true to herself and to be who she is .. and be that person for me and in spite of me. I need something solid to believe in .. something I can look at and it is true to form whenever I look at it ... because I am a man who loses his faith on a regular basis and I need her to know where to find it. To maintain .. even when I can not. How could women not know that about me? How could this be such a universal misunderstanding. It had to be my fault .. once or twice would could have been coincidence but .. this many times? Sky preserve me .. but I am not that stupid that I can not see the obvious signs that this is all .. me.

huh

Anyway .. it was a good talk with Asria .. we did not argue or get angry ... she did not lose her faith and I kept my temper. It was a positive step for both of us. Perhaps standing on the rock of Ayguili has given her a secure place to deal with me from. Whatever the case her improved solidity was nice to experience. I sent her off to Ayguili to tell/ask him about the clan switch .. and told her she was free to tell him that I thought it was a good idea. And I do .. I think this melody of change is rather pleasant.

Deeper in the Desert

2009-06-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

The red sand chewed at my boots with a terrible dryness .. and if not for that protective layer of leather between it and I ... I am sure it would have sucked every ounce of moisture from my tissue.

It was a lonely place .. I liked it. It spoke to me and I felt comfortable there. Like all my thoughts and all my dreams just went to sleep for awhile. A very .. restful ... sleep.

There was no pressure inside my skull .. there were no fireflies of thought process ... the air was still and calm and .... empty.

She came to sit beside me. I was surprised .. or I felt like I should be surprised. It was hard to feel much where I was. But it felt all right .. not to feel much. Like I said .. it was comfortable... here.

I was deep into the desert. I needed answers .. I needed to know things if I was going to help Cana. This one was proving harder than I thought .. things were not making as much sense as they should. As much sense as I was used to making out of dreams. Something was wrong .. somehow I knew I was on the wrong track but I had no idea what the right track was let alone the wrong one.

So I had set out early in the morning .. alone in my Spex wagon. I had built each blade of grass .. each nuance of Sky ... I had created the plains and I had made the journey into the desert .. crossing the place in between and daring the dangers and adventures along the way. I did not stop at the bare lightning blasted tree .. I did not stop for the little boy ... I did not stop for the ferocious terrors ... I did not stop for the little child's toy of a white wagon. I did not stop for the Three .. though they called to me with plaintive voices. I kept going .. walking with purpose until I found myself much deeper inside the desert than I ever had been before. It was here .. among the red dunes ... that I had stopped and sat and felt ... comfortable.

It was here that she came to sit beside me .. a flounce of skirt that covered her small legs ... her folded pudgy fingers in her lap. The heavy cheeks and the lips that never smiled. And I felt like I should be surprised. She looked just as she had that day I found her next to the burning wagon ... with her family slaughtered all around her. It was like all that happened only yesterday .. the death of her brother at my hands of mercy. I thought perhaps I should feel the raging sadness as I had that day .. but I could not. Not here. I thought perhaps I should weep for seeing her again .. with me ... I had missed her so much. But I did not ... not here. I thought perhaps I would feel the hatred towards Aunt for taking her away from me. But I should not. Not here.

I asked Ani what to do with Cana's dreams and my attempts to find Ba'atar through them. I told her I was having trouble finding him .. that he kept slipping away from me and I kept getting attacked by this Dark Nothing that hurt my head and left my nose bleeding for days after. Ani reached into the pocket of her skirt and handed me a white vulo with hollow eyes.. just black holes where the eyes should have been. I wanted to be repulsed and sad .. but I could not be. Not here. At first I thought the small bird was dead. But it fluttered .. a tiny feeble heartbeat within its breast ... but both wings were broken.

I did not want to take the thing from her .. it belonged here ... in the desert where it would never know the pain it would if I took it outside this place. But my want was not able to grow into fruition .. it was something I wanted to want ... but I could not. Not here.

So I took the broken bird into my hands .. I felt the first flutter against my rough touch ... and the desert faded quickly as if a torrential rain had blown up out of no where and washed it away. The desert was gone. Ani was gone. I was once again in the Spex wagon holding a fluttering vulo with two broken wings and nothing but black ocular holes instead of eyes. The pain that the thing experienced was instantaneous and I felt horror for it. I wanted to wring its neck and end it .. but I valued the time and effort that Ani had given to me to even get this thing into my hands. It meant something .. it had to.

It was here.

The Redemption of Ayguili

2009-06-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

I am not a hero .. despite what Catch would like you to believe. I am not a savior or a man for the people. I am a lone sleen. I always have been. Can I be Ubar and do the job correctly? Of course .. but I will never excel at being "with" people. I have too many expectations and too much paranoia about their intentions. I prefer to be alone far too much. I do not have this burning desire to create and make things for them to do .. to occupy their time. In my opinion .. there is too much life to need something to do. There is too much to do ... to need something to do. I tend to expect people to be independent of me and to treat me as if I am an Oralu. Far enough up the chain of command that there are many steps to the problem solving process before you get to me. I do not tend to think .. in the way of solving everyone's problems and being there for everyone all the time. It tends to surprise me when someone bitches about me not being there for them. As if I have some obligation to hunt them down and treat them like they are five and manage their time and efforts. I expect people to be old enough to learn and grow much on their own .. with guidance ... not with direct interference. It is why I believe that Ayguili is better suited for Ubar than I am. He is .. more about the people. He is not a loner. He crafts and creates things for their minds to chew on. I can support him .. I can be his right hand ... if he lets me.

Now Ayguili had fallen from grace a little. But like I said I am no savior .. I can not redeem anyone. I am no hero. But Ayguili is .. and the hero needed a little redemption. I knew one person who could do that for him. She does it for me all the time. When I let her. She makes things right .. smoothes away the wrinkles and lets you see things without all the interference of other people. I warned Ayguili when he asked to speak to Seveya .. who he would have to deal with. Not because she was protective of me .. no Oren will likely kick my ass more often than not. She has never drawn lines between people .. she would never do that. No it was because she had all ready become a little protective of Seveya. She even protected her from me. But that is why I think so highly of Oren. I can depend on her.

I had no hesitation bringing Ayguili to Oren's fires. Yes Oren knew how angry I was .. but she always brushes that away ... always brings people together ... never apart. I knew she would have her own words for Ayguili .. she would never use my words or my thoughts. We were all like naughty children to her and she would never separate us ... she might thwack us upside the head a few times but her ultimate goal was for us to all sit together and get along ... preferably under her little nose.

I saw the satisfied little smile at the corner of her eyes when we arrived. I think she saw it as a bit of penance. We came to be absolved of our sins. Naughty boys. I wondered how Ayguili would handle her. I have never seen them together. I was not sure who to be protective of more.

She told Ayguili .. "Tal Ubar" .. I winced ... this did not sound good and I stepped a few paces away from Ayguili because Oren was leaning on her staff as if it were the best kaiila lance a warrior ever picked up. Then she pointed her bony finger at me and told me to sit on the furs. And I did just that. Damn .. I felt like I had been bad ... and I had not even done anything wrong this time.

Ayguili was looking like his tunic was too tight around his neck and I would have been highly amused by that if I was not feeling the same way myself. He got his voice under his tongue and spoke to her .. "If it is permissible, I would like to speak to the woman Seveya, Oren."

"And just what would you be liking to speak to her about Ubar?" There was the "Ubar" again.

I would have liked to enjoy this .. but I knew better. I had found myself in the same spot way too often and I knew even the slightest amount of entertainment on my part would shift the balance of karma and I would find myself there again even sooner. There are things you run around pointing your copper lance at the Sky for .. and then there are things ... you just know better. I kept my tongue between my teeth and sat on the furs like I had been told.

"Trust Oren. I need to speak to her about gaining trust back, for both of us."

"Well then that would be a good thing I'm thinkin.. then we can talk about you and I .. Ayguili". She used his name .. that was a good sign. Then she tapped her staff against the wagon steps and called out to Seveya .. "You come out child and talk to this man .. and if you don't like what he has to say you just march yourself right back in that wagon."

Seveya shoved herself through the flaps of the wagon .. she was looking even worse today .. the darks were lightening and turning a sickly greenish yellow and some of the swelling on her brow was sloughing with gravity down her face to give her eye a heavy lid .. the stitches giving her a bit of a sneer though her lip did look better. She crossed her arms and looked about as welcoming as a contrary old verr. Oren must have seen the look and understood it .. for she encouraged Seveya to hear the Ubar out because I would not have brought him there if I had not liked what he had to say. Which was true enough.

The two of them sat together on the wagon steps .. with Oren perched there with her staff like an avenging herlit .. and I was pleased enough to be sitting on the other side of the fires from them all.

Ayguili began in a calm tone .. "You have had a few very difficult days, and I have not helped. That is why I am here to speak with you." Oren humphed but it was obvious she wanted to hear what the Ubar had to say .. she was just reminding everyone that just because she was old .. it did not mean she was not alive and kicking and a part of things.

Ayguili raised his voice a little .. I think to include Oren. He made points with me for that. "Seveya, I am going to take responsibility for the mistakes that I made yesterday in talking to Fonce and your Uncle. But, we are all going to have to take responsibility for our own share of all of this. Agreed?"

WHACK

Startled the shit out of me. My gaze went to Oren .. their gazes went to Oren .. we all just stared at her not sure where that came from or why. Of course Ayguili was rubbing his shins at that point as well. Damn .. I knew that hurt.

"Oren, give me a break, I am trying to work on this." Even I was about ready to ask for a little sympathy for Ayguili and I was still not out of my mad yet. But damn.

Oren bent down so she was level with Ayguili's eyes while he sat on that step and she poked her bony gnarled finger into his chest to punctuate her words as she said them. "Young man .. who taught you how to apologize to a woman? Since when do you start an apology by telling her she had some responsibilityin it? Now if you are here to apologize to her you do just that and then we can talk about what you want her to do different in the future to help you not make so many mistakes."

Holy shit .. take lessons Fonce .. you are going to need this one sooner or later .. I can feel it. The problem with taking the women in your life to see Oren is .. they learn a lot.

Then Ayguili took those gnarled fingers in his big hand and kissed them .. asking Oren to hear him out .. and if that did not work ... I am Mezoo's jit monkey uncle. Oren fluffed and cooed and ruffled up like a dew bathing vulo and when she smacked his fingers it did not have a bit of the strength behind it that I knew still existed in those arms.

huh

Pay attention Fonce .. a lot to learn here.

Ayguili started talking to Seveya again .. about how if he had been a good guardian she would have known she could talk to him about these things. About how he would have told her he would never bargain her off to a warrior not from the First Fires and Seveya telling him he was there when her uncle spoke of it and he had not given any indication he gave a shit .. ect. ect. ect. That part was not so interesting to me.

Then Oren piped up with a question .. "Was Mezoo there?" The question almost sounded accusatory but Oren's eyes shown with love and pride and .. it was obvious she might chide Ayguili for his distraction .. but would have it no other way. Seveya remembered that yes .. Mezoo had been there. And Ayguili rubbed his temples trying to remember and apologized for being distracted sometimes and damn .. if both women did not forgive him ... just like that. Seveya with this blissful little glow in her eyes and a turn of the lips like I have not seen from her before and Oren patting him on the shoulder.. like anything could be excused from a man in love .. at least a man in love with her Mezoo. What the fuck?

women

So Ayguili went on about how much he wanted Seveya to be able to trust him .. about how he wanted her at the First Fires .. for all she was and all she could give them. It was much as he had spoken to me .. about how he could not see her on her knees to any man. How he had too much respect for who she was as a free woman. I had no idea he felt that way about Seveya .. I do not think Seveya knew how he felt either. Sometimes adversity makes people talk about how they feel .. and he had some rather high opinions and expectations for Seveya .. all very positive.

Seveya accepted his apology .. I still think it was for the mooning he and Mezoo have been doing and making all the women swoon with it.

grunt

However .. Seveya had one condition for this acceptance .. she wanted Ayguili to give me the respect I was due.

Well that wound me all up and I wanted to jump in and interrupt and tell her I could fight my own battles and protect myself and I did not need her making conditions for me with the Ubar ... but then I realized ... had I not been trying to replace her as a free woman? Had I not been fighting to replace her rights and opinions and her ability to give them freely no matter what I or any other man thought of them personally?

fuck

I hate it when I work against myself .. even when it is the right thing to do. It is just damned inconvenient.

So I shut my mouth and let her have her say .. speak her mind ... as I should. Probably a good thing for me .. my leg is still sore and I do not need a new bruise on my shin. And I want kudos for figuring all that out before the WHACK .. damn it.

Ayguili asked Oren if he could give Seveya a hug .. and Oren went to chewing on his ear about all the things Seveya needed now .. and that he better bring Mezoo around because Oren missed her terribly since he had moved her wagons forward. Ayguili promised her he would .. as he had things to say to her and Astar and to Pei also. Insert small self-satisfaction there. I will probably get a ZOT for it later.

Oren informed him that he knew exactly where to find them all. If Ay knows what is good for him he will show up soon .. I know that light in her eyes. Then Ayguili asked Oren what she would take in trade for Seveya. Oren told him to leave Seveya right where she was .. and both Ayguili and I spoke up that it was important for Seveya to return to the First Fires. Oren complained that the Ubar kept taking everyone away from her .. and who would help her with the verr... I was about to step in but Ayguili took it for me and did a job even I am impressed with. He told her that he had thousands of men under his command and if Oren needed verr herders .. she would have verr herders. I started to get a little worried .. wondered if this was my new assignment. Then Ayguili redeemed himself with me and suggested that Another One might be an excellent verr herder. I agreed .. anyone was an excellent verr herder as long as it was not me. So he said to Oren ..

"Oren, I have a young man, who needs the attention of one as wise as yourself. He is going through a difficult time, and perhaps you could ease that for him."

I watched Oren do a 180 and chuckled to myself.

women

"Well if he needs me.. I suppose."

"You have my eternal gratitude. I will have his mother send him over on the morrow, if that is agreeable with you." Kudos to Ayguili for that dance step and realizing what she was up to and going along with it. The man earned more respect from me in that moment than many .. many moments before.

"Yes Ayguili. But he better not be too much trouble." She was fluffing like a vulo and acting like she had when he kissed her fingers. And acting as if Ayguili was asking this huge favor of her and she was not sure she had the time or energy to do this for him.

"I promise, he will not be. He comes from good stock, and is basically very well behaved for a boy of........seven."

Oren tisked and said with an air of long suffering .. "And such an age that is too .. very well send the boy along and I will do what I can with him. But I promise you nothing .. mind you ... all ready seven ... could be too late."

I was staring wide eyed and probably open mouthed and I think Seveya was doing the same thing.

Ayguili actually looked contrite .. no I am serious .. he did. "I know, but if there is anyone that can help this boy, it would be you, Oren." Ayguili is going directly to hell .. but he will carry that old woman's heart right with him.

"I know .. I know .. now off with you all I have things to prepare and you have taken up a lot of an old woman's time all ready .. young people these days." And she bustled off .. just like that.

I have to consider myself very fortunate that I got to witness the redemption of Ayguili .. because if I had not seen it for myself ... I never would have believed it.

I hope I am around when Ayguili has to talk to Cana and explain this one.

Frayed ..But Not Broken

2009-06-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

The next day I was summoned to the Ubar's wagon. I came as a respectful warrior .. not as second in command .. not as Oralu ... and not as Fonce. I came merely as a Tuchuk warrior hearing and obeying a command given to me.

After all my venting I was not as angry. But there was a distant coldness about me. A coldness that a few know very well .. and a few more are about to learn. I can be an arrogant egotistical selfish prideful asshole.

Sometimes .. all at once.

I had every intention of listening to the Ubar and not getting involved in anything he had to say. What could he say to me now? Would he simply repeat himself proving to me again I had trusted him in vain? Would he apologize to me and expect me to wipe what I had learned of him away and start over? I wanted neither from him. I wanted nothing .. from him. There was no going back for me and I had every intention of simply obeying and not ever allowing him to be privy to my thoughts on the entire thing. I had no intention of letting him have any clue how hurt and angry I was. Not because he had not given me what I wanted .. but for how he had treated me when I would have been satisfied with a simple .. no.

Best laid plans ... I hate it when people are sincere with me. It makes me .. respond ... and shit.

fuck

He said we needed to talk.

huh

Then he asked me if I had a mind to. I told him I had been all about talking .. and I could still be. Not that I intended to talk much .. at all.

"Good. Now, the Ubar will talk first, then I hope the friend can talk. You have sat where I am right now, so I think you know that it is not an easy place to be sometimes. I am a man, and I make my share of mistakes. I will bungle things with the best of them, and I found myself, wanting to make sense out of something, that there was no real sense to, if you can understand that. And in doing that, I think I let the Ubar get in the way of the friend. It can be a hard balance to find. In my effort to be fair to everyone, I think I lost sight of our goal to help Seveya. And I was rude, and for that I want to apologize."

There was nothing in his statement that touched me. It was much how I expected it to be. The initial attempt to connect me to his own actions by mentioning the shared position. To garner my empathy .. make me feel what he felt and then to bring me to his own understanding of how things went. To apologize to me for letting his position get in the way of his friendship with me .. retaining his respect as Ubar .. "forgive me Fonce ... the position is heavy on my shoulders .. blame it on the position .. I was just doing my job". It was an empty apology. It was crafted .. was I not and had I not been a Black Mask for how many years? Was I not aware of this tactic? And it is a tactic and it works .. works very well ... with most people. But I am not most people. I have used this too many times to worm my way like a hungry maggot through rotted flesh into the mind of someone I want answers from. But he left a small bit of bait at the end .. and I took it.

"You were rude? I would like to understand what you are apologizing to me for." As if he could .. since I had yet to hear an apology.

"I don't think I gave you the respect that you deserved, and maybe I didn't listen like I should have."

huh

Was that sincerity?

"No .. that is true ... you did not give me respect as an Oralu .. or as second in command and you certainly gave me nothing as a friend."

fuck if I did not start to respond to it.

"And that is what I am apologizing for, as Ubar. Now, as a friend. I screwed up, and I know it. I cannot put it any simpler than that."

Simple is always better.

There was a glimpse of the man I thought I had known there .. the man I had considered my friend. And it all just started to spill out of my mouth. And there was a lot to spill. Some of it was valid .. some of it was foam .. I am such a sucker for sincerity.

"You made me impotent for a man who is not only recently returned from the dwellers .. but has for the last three days acted like a jilted lover over his niece and set huge fires in the middle of the Harigga to burn all his things. You trimmed my ears in front of him and for him and I was the one trying to talk to him and make this right. right now I am not sure I want this command .. because I do not seem to even have a command. And that is not even getting to the part where you would not take my word as a friend. We are just on the part where you stripped me of all my respect and command .. and I do not see what for .. or why you would do that to me especially in front of a lunatic .. and then command me as Ubar to show him respect that I was actually showing him .. in the face of him refusing to show me respect as a man let alone as an Oralu or second in command of this entire Harigga. "

He winced .. "I know. In all of the time I have known you, not once have you ever given me cause to doubt your word or your honor. I think the whole situation simply overwhelmed me, and I did the wrong thing, and said all of the wrong things."

huh .. well yes .. yes he did. More sincerity? Bastard.

When are you going to back me up .. when are you going to make some pussy ego having crazy man respect an Oralu let alone your second in command?"

"I made a mistake. Can you understand how I came to that? I guess that I had hoped that there was some equity to this all, but I know now there was not. In Karvek, I was dealing with a man that I now think, is not exactly of his right mind, and to be very honest, I am not sure that I want him in this camp, and around the innocents. Hindsight, is often much better than looking at something the first time."

How easily we lose the ground we have so recently attained.

"I do not care what you knew or did not know because you supposedly knew one thing for sure .. you knew my honor .. you knew my word ... and you knew I was worth giving Oralu to and even second in command to. You knew that .. you knew he was not a commander .. you knew he was even new here from the land of dwellers and you knew he was a freak wagon burning psycho. That part .. you knew when it got started. No .. I do not know how you came to make this mistake Ubar .. unless you never believed in me from the beginning when you gave me my command and made me second only to you."

"And that is not the truth. There is not a man in this entire camp that I trust any more than I do you. But for a moment, I was blinded by trying to work something out, and made huge mistakes. I have worried over this ever since we all parted, and I am heartsick over what I have done."

"I .. can not understand how you could be blinded so easily by a mad man .. Ubar." I did not have a hort to give him. I did not possess one. Not about this. I had to trust him .. I had to trust him with my life and the lives of my people. I needed him to either answer for this or I had to walk away.

I think, it is because when he and I talked, he showed no signs of it. He was calm, reasonable and I mistook that for his wanting to work things out. I was wrong. You ever make a mistake, Fonce? One you regretted?"

Here we go again ...

"I can not say I have ever not trusted my commanders .. I would rather make a mistake in their favor than choose an outsider over them. I have my own best interests at heart .. if I am going to make a mistake I make it for them ... not against them. I do not care if he made the best song and dance you everheard or have ever seen I deserved respect from him .. and I deserved you to make him respect me ... instead I got your disrespect on top of it."

"You are right. There is nothing more that I can say, other than that. I made a mistake, stepped the wrong way, and I am trying to find a way to step back in line."

But I was all wound up again and not done venting.

"I am angry as all fucking hell over this not to mention .. why am I the only one concerned for this girl when you are supposed to be her guardian and he is her fucking uncle? I think he has got some sick twisted need ** ***** ******* ** *** because I have never seen a man act like that over his own family unless he was. That aside .. I will not allow you or anyone else to hurtthis girl or make her believe she is a bad person because she made a simplemistake. She is paying for it .. and by the Sky you should understand making a mistake."

"Finally, something we agree on. But I do have one thing to say in all of this. Why did the two of you not come to me, talk to me before it got to the point she felt she had to do what she did?"

Seriously?

"How the hell was I supposed to know she was going to do what she did before she did it? And .. by the Sky I understand why she did not trust you because I am having trouble doing so myself right now. As for her uncle .. she was right. And you have not been seen since she did it .. until I got a hold of you and you dismissed me to talk to Karvek."

"You are right. So, you no longer trust me, does this mean you think that I no longer am able to lead our people?"

I have on patience for defeatism especially in the face of me giving my time and energy and thoughts on a subject. I did not want my loyalty questioned yet again in the face of me accusing him of .. questioning it. If I did not feel he was capable of being Ubar I would never have vented my thoughts to him and given him a chance to make it right with me. I do not think anyone will ever quite .. understand me.

"You can pull your Ubar card and lead them .. whether or not you can earn the respect of your men .. I have some doubts unless you pull something out that counteracts yesterday. No man will trust a leader who turns on them on the first sign of idiocy and you can get all fired up about my words .. you can get mad at me .. but you owe me. You owe me respect .. you owe me apologies .. you owe me trust. That is how you will earn mine back."

"So where do we go from here?"

But I was still too angry about the question of my loyalty again and whether or not I thought he was fit to be Ubar.

"You tell me .. what do you want from me? You want me to step down .. you can have Karvek in my place. Or do you want me to do what I do .. are you going to back me up? Are you going to show me and everyone else that I am trusted and respected as Oralu and second in command? What do those positions mean to you? Am I a lap sleen you can whistle for and then whip at your leisure? Or am a man with power .. given to me by another man who believes I deserve that kind of power and respect?"

"I tell you what I want. I want this poor woman that I know is in turmoil over this entire situation, to be instilled back to her place at the first fires. I want to be allowed to be her guardian again, and to have the trust of not only her, but of you. I want for her to feel safe and secure, and I want to stand beside you both in the days ahead that we all know are going to be difficult. Perhaps in doing that, I can regain a part of your trust. As for you, all I can say is that I made a mistake, and I still trust you with my life, and the life of every man, woman and child in this camp."

That stopped me .. dead in my tracks. Sincerity. Protectiveness .. words about someone else that needed both of us to work together. It was what I had been after in the first place. It was what I had sought for and expected from him. My hurts no longer felt so important or so big. This is all I wanted. It was everything I needed. I set down all my shields and weapons .. to not do so would have been to sacrifice the one person I was all wound up about in the entire thing. Sacrifice her for my own ego .. which was not my intent or inclination. My ego can take a few blows .. it is rather large and healthy.

I accepted the hand offered to me. Without reserve. The trust between Ayguili and I was tested .. frayed ... but not broken. Ayguili and I put our heads together at that point and began to plot and plan for her well being. Not because she had not made mistakes .. but in spite of them. And what followed was the business of men .. as they discussed the future of a woman.

The One Person Who Believes..In Me

2009-06-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

So stop whining Fonce. They are not going to help you. Pull up your big boy pants and fuck them and the kaiila they rode in on. You do not need them. You do not need their fears.. doubts and hatred to make this any harder than it will be. You will do the best you can and stand on your own two feet and give it all you have and .. come what may. You always do. Set aside your bitterness and anger .. set aside the bile you had to swallow before it builds again and eats away at the backside of your teeth. It is not worth it. Did you learn nothing from the verr?

Verr? It was Oren .. Oren's voice inside my head. The verr comment gave it away even if the "fuck them" kind of threw me off. Oren .. you sly sleen.

HA .. I amuse myself.

Someone telling you not to be angry and bitter does not just make that bile go away though. Even if it is their voice all ready inside your head. It just does not happen that easily or quickly. But the words had implanted themselves like seeds .. I could get through this. I could not only get through this .. I could get through this without hating either Karvek or Ayguili. I do not always set myself up for such lofty goals .. kudos to me.

I want my cookie.

Oren .. that is exactly who I needed and I strode back towards my wagons with a purpose. I am sure Seveya saw that particular stride coming and I bet she knew it was all about purpose. There was still a fair amount of bitter anger displayed in my expression and in the set of my shoulders. Fair being a word I use loosely. They say that scars hide expressions .. figured my scars were doing a poor job of it this day. They just had to be. I grabbed her hand and drug her off with me. With .. being a word I use loosely.

She was with me about like a wagon is with a team of psychotic runaway bosk with their tails on fire.

I do not even remember all the things I said to her. All that fell out of my mouth. I am sure it was not mature or good or right or well thought out. It just .. was. It was all the foam spilling over the side as the situation whipped my temper into a fury. If I knew I was going to be on my own with this .. I could have set this whole thing up days ago. Natural consequences for breaking my own rule .. do not rely on others.

Somewhere on the way she must have said or done something because she ended up being thrown over my shoulder. I am missing a few pieces of the whole thing. The in and out of my temper and my strain to control it. It finally soaked into my brain she was asking what the outcome of my talk with the Ubar was. I told her she was free. Ironically as I slung her body over my shoulder and drug her around without her consent. She was .. sort of ... free. Free to do what I wanted her to do at the moment while I did the things that were in her best interest.

smirk

She asked me why I was angry. Did I not want this? Well of course I wanted this .. had I not spoken to her of it? Had I not gotten her word she would not resubmit for at least three hands ... giving me a chance to make her feel safe enough to make her choice with no fear? Why was she asking me that now? Probably because she had no idea why I was so pissed off ..

huh

I presented her to Oren. Right there at her fires. As if I was not barging in and interrupting everything with my own selfish needs and demands. At this point I dared her to align herself with everyone else and stand against me. She usually takes the fight right out of me and this instance was no different. She did not stand with me .. she did not stand against me ... she did not even act surprised as I dropped off some woman at her fires in a temper. She acted as if I did this sort of thing all the time and simply went about being Oren. Sucked all the bile and piss right out of me. For the moment.

"Oren this is Sev.." But I never even got the rest of her name out.

"I know who this is, Fonce, stop stomping around and hush for a moment while I get the child comfortable." Then she proceeded to do just that and bustled up a cup of tea for her. I could smell it. Obnoxious stuff. Meant to calm nerves. And she gave it to Seveya .. I was the one that needed it

... damn it.

"Now Fonce .. tell me what is going on and try to do so without your foul language .. if at all possible."

No foul language? What happened to the "fuck them and the kaiila they rode in on"? Wait .. that was my version of Oren. I opened my mouth to speak but then I had to mentally back up a few spaces .. like a day or two worth of spaces. fuck.

"Seveya submitted to me." huh .. probably should have backed up a few spaces more.

"That's nice, Fonce .. and?"

I squinted at her.. then I grunted. "And I think it was a bad idea." Why did Oren always make me feel like I was two. I think I will sick Oren on Karvek. This idea entertained me in the back of my mind.

"I see. You do not wish the child? Why not send her back to her guardian?""Yes .. no ... I do not want her like that."

"On her knees?"

"No .. yes ... Sky damn it Oren ... she did it because she was afraid her uncle would mate her off to some Tummit guy who does not deserve her."

I tried to tell her about that afternoon .. my talk with Ayguili and Karvek but it all came out upside down and backwards and with a lot of bad words. All she did was tell me to watch how I spoke of our Ubar. I called him a nasty name .. called his parentage into question. Told Oren both the Ubar and Karvek sucked at protecting anyone. Probably inferred a few things about their sexual preferences .. might not have even been within our species. In my defense .. it was all very creative.

Oren cut through it all and told me I should have brought Seveya to her earlier .. that I was remiss. But that all was well .. the child was here and she would be fine. Sucked all the fight right out of me .. still had a few creative things to say about Ayguili and Karvek though. That one was definitely out of our species .. not even close.

Oren told me to get Seveya a wagon and all the things she would need. I apologized to Oren for not bringing Seveya to her first. For being selfish and arrogant. Oren patted me on my arm and told me not to mind it .. that we would make the best of it now.

I was finding I was rather empty inside without all my anger .. and then Catch arrived with some of Seveya's things. A skirt .. some boots. I got mad all over again. Yelled at Catch to return the things to Karvek. This time all the creative sexual positions preferred by Ayguili and Karvek involved forest creatures. I thought that was exceptionally creative and felt wronged when no one even reacted. I worked hard on that one .. damn it.

I think it was the forest creatures .. Oren left with a swish of her heavy leather skirting and went about preparing a place for Seveya for the night .. to speak to the Artisan Clan .. and do all the things I knew she would do for me. All the reasons I brought Seveya here in the first place. I knew Oren would have the answers and make me feel like I was two .. in the way a mother does. The kind of two where someone is going to take care of things for me .. better than I can ... do it the right way and I can just go eat my cookie and take a nap and know it is all in good hands. That kind of two.

I needed someone to believe in .. I needed someone to believe in me. I needed some of my faith restored. I needed someone to just take my word and without patronizing me .. give me some credit for all I have been and all I am and for what I was trying to do without lecturing me. Well .. save for my detailed descriptions about sexual liaisons with forest creatures. That lecture I expected .. and wanted. Made me feel safe and warm and ... home.

I apologized to Seveya for not getting her all the things I thought she deserved. For being impotent in my position. She told me she risked it all for a reason and she would make new memories and new things. I told her I did not think that was fair. Seveya is much more mature than I am.

Although I am not done testing that .. I have a few things up my sleeve.

She asked me why the Ubar would not protect her. I told her he had not said he would not protect her. I told her he had wanted me to present and parade her for questioning and I would not do so. I would not submit her to the accusations being slung about by both men. I did not have to. The Ubar had demanded I bring Seveya for questioning. He had that right .. but he would do so in the presence of her guardian. A guardian who cared about her as a person. I explained my anger to her .. as best I could. The entire thing leaving me empty inside once again.

I never wanted this entertainer's drama to sweep through the Harigga. In fact it was my very attempts to avoid it that got me in this mess in the first place. I never wanted to feel so protective of Seveya .. but the fact remains I am ferociously so now. I never wanted to be backed into a corner .. fighting for what I believed to be right against my own friends .. but I suppose if they were my friends I would not have to do so. I never wanted Seveya to be free .. I wanted to keep her right there where she was safe and I could possess her. I never wanted Seveya to be a slave. Where anyone and their sleen can lay their hands on her and I have to nod and say .. that is the way of things.

I am no better off today knowing what I want than I was yesterday. I know more about what I do not want though .. and today Seveya is safe with Oren and I know she will be taken care of.

There is that.

Someone..Help...Me

2009-06-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

When I finally found Ayguili I wanted to speak to him .. not as my Ubar but as Seveya's guardian and my friend. Not that I ever forget his position .. but I did not want to speak to the position. I wanted to speak to Ayguili .. the man. Did I have to? Fuck no. I wanted to. There was no letter of the law that said I had to .. no ... this was adherence to my own rules. The spirit of the law.

I was ignorantly blind. I had placed faith where I had not even realized I placed faith. I had assumed where there was to be no reward for that assumption. I hate it when I do that. I hate it when I am believing in someone and I do not even realize I am. Sets me up for a nasty shock.

I hate that.

And people wonder why I am the way I am.

I did not get a chance to speak to Ayguili the man. I got to speak to the Ubar. I got to speak to the position. Not only that but I got to speak to the position as if the position had no idea of who I am as a man .. as a commander ... or as second in command at his right hand. I was treated as a stranger. Stripped of my command and of my respect. As if I had never earned my first courage scar and I had presented myself before the Ubar of the Tuchuk as an unnamed unscarred wet behind the ears boy.

Took me several moments to realize what I walked into. But when I did .. I did what any mere warrior does in the face of a commander. I said .. yes Commander .. no Commander... as you wish commander. You want me to charge that fucking hill and send my men and I into certain death? Why commander .. you know best ... let me get right on that for you.

Today Ayguili was Ba'atar's brother. I know how to obey a command without respect. Any warrior does. We are not a democracy. We do not vote for our Ubar and choose a man we respect and "want" to follow. We are a militaristic society and we obey. We obey our commanders or we die. The whole will devour the individual. There is no place for individualism on the battlefield. There is obedience. A chain of obedience. But the most successful commanders. The most followed and the ones that inspire great deeds from men ... are the ones who couple that demand for obedience with respect.

What was I going to do? Stomp my foot like a child .. even though I was being treated like one ... and say ... I quit the Tuchuk? I quit my life .. my blood .. my soul ... my future ... and what? I walk away to join the dwellers? Be a Tuchuk unto myself upon the plains? Pack my things like a jealous angry woman and move into another wagon?

Seriously?

My ideas of Tuchuk and Tribe did not change with the change of the Grays. My ideas of who I am as a Tuchuk and what I live for and die for .. do not change with the amount of respect I have for the man sitting on them. My loyalty knows no human failing. There is only .. Tuchuk. There is no Ayguili or Fonce or Seveya .. or anyone else. There is only Tribe. Barring what I would consider as treason from the Ubar ... I will obey and do so swiftly and with the intent to carry out what has been commanded of me to the best of my ability.

My respect however .. is mortal. I can be lost. It can see and despise and turn away from with no forgiveness. My respect can be lost. And it was.

There is my pride. There is no force of nature .. man or beast ... that can take my pride or force me to bend my knee. Obey? Yes. Submit? Never.

There is my friendship. That of me which transcends what I owe you from one Tuchuk to another. I can be polite to you .. and hate you with every core of my being while I am. You can not make me like you.

I tried to talk to Ayguili. Between men. He dismissed me to speak to Karvek. To sit around with my thumb up my ass as he chose to make a political statement out of the entire situation without hearing me out. Did he have to do that as the Ubar? Of course not and I obeyed him as I should. Did I expect him to give me that respect as his second in command? Unfortunately I did. I know better now.

When Ayguili summoned me again to the conversation between him and Karvek. He asked me .. did I not bring Seveya? Why should I? I was here out of respect for Ayguili .. not out of any law that said I had to be. I told Ayguili strait up .. I would not bring her unless I was assured of her safety. This was between men. Or I thought it was. He said he would give me his word of her safety .. was that not good enough? Well .. no. No ... it was not. I was there out of a naive and boyish wish to make this whole thing just a little better for Seveya and I in the long run. I had a favor to ask Ayguili .. not the Ubar. But if that request was to be denied ... I told them both I was perfectly capable of handling the situation on my own without either one of them. It was that naive .. childish wish to do it the "better" way that had brought me here. Not any doubt in my own ability to problem solve this all on my own. Either I was going to get a yes .. or a no to my request. I saw no reason to hash it over. Was my word not enough? Was my word as Fonce .. supposedly Ayguili's friend .. enough? Was word as Oralu .. not enough? Was my word as the second in command at Ayguili's side .. not enough?

No .. I am afraid it was not. I live and learn. Yes I am also rather bitter about it .. thank you for asking. Ayguili had made me give him my word I would speak to him about such things .. as a man. He told me that was the very essence of what he wanted and needed in a commander. Communication. That he would at least hear me out. I made sure he felt that way before I accepted it. He lied.

He asked me .. had I not considered that her submission was due to more than just fear of what her uncle would do to her? I knew exactly what this was about and I told him so. I know what fears geared this wagon train up to full speed. And I told them no I was not turning her over to be punished for them any more than she all ready had been. Why? Because I did not have to. She was mine. I told Ayguili .. I had come seeking a favor ... in my attempt to right a wrong in the best way I could think of. Either I would be granted this or I would not. It really was a yes or no kind of thing. I was forcing it to be a yes or no kind of thing. It was not a .. you have to listen to all the reasons why we do not think it is a good idea ... kind of thing. It was not a .. listen to all the bad things we want to say about Seveya .. kind of thing. I knew the good and bad all ready .. it was for and in spite of them that I had come to speak to Ayguili in the first place. Ayguili then asked me if I wanted to call in my favor he owed me.

That is when I started to lose my temper. How dare he drag Mezoo into this? How dare he compare the situations. My Mezoo? Fuck him and his favors. Fuck him and his feelings for Mezoo .. I no longer believed in them. I asked him if that was the only way I would get what I wanted from him...

Danger

Could he not see the protective anger in my eyes? This time it was not for Seveya .. it was for Mezoo. Did he not realize how close he was to never earning that bride price? How easily I held that future in my hand and all he was doing was dragging Mezoo through the mud of this situation? Mezoo had nothing to do with this .. nothing. She was innocent of any of this embroiled drama ... fucking hell I was mad clear through.

Ayguili then preserved his future by telling me that no .. he did no intend on forcing me to call in "that" favor.

nice save

Then Karvek decided to enter the conversation and told Ayguili since this involved him .. he felt he should know what this favor was. I was going to kill someone. I told Karvek that I could not see how this involved him at all. Was he not out of it? Had he not declared himself out of it? But .. here was me being good guy Fonce again. I told him if he cared to ask me what it was .. I would share it with him. I still had this fantasy .. naive ... fuck I am so naive ... I had this fantasy that he was hurt and if I tried to involve him ... it would help.

He informed me he had not asked me .. he had asked the Ubar. Really? Seriously? Is Karvek two? ... As you wish Karvek.

Then Ayguili told me I was not aware of all the things that had taken place and I needed to hear Karvek out. For what? His conscience? He had treated Seveya the way he had .. for this reason and that reason and when she did not do what he wanted he tried to kill her? I did not .. do not care. The man does not interest me. He is no longer involved. He has declared himself .. not involved in big red angry letters across Seveya's face and this Harigga .. and I am more than inclined to support his right to make a choice. Life is full of them. I told Ayguili .. I would do as he bid me but Karvek was not speaking to me. I was serious .. I was not being sarcastic. Was really not sure how to go about listening to .. nothing.

Ayguili then told us both to put our egos away. Seriously? I had not even gotten my ego out yet .. brother. You will know it when I do ... and this was so not it. Ayguili then commanded me .. as Ubar ... to listen. Upon being commanded I no longer leaned on the wagon wheel .. this was no longer a conversation between men. I straitened to attention and kept my responses clear .. concise and respectful ... as any warrior.

Karvek said that Seveya was not being forced into anything. The man had shown interest and had asked about her bride price. That Seveya had been informed that she would mate whomever met her bride price. Ayguili asked him if Seveya had any fear that he would be forcing her into this any time in the near future. Karvek replied .. only if her bride price were met by Tumka or any other man.

Did Ayguili just hear that? Did Ayguili not just hear that Seveya had every right in the world to fear she would be mated to Tumka as soon as Tumka met the bride price? That she had been told as much? That Karvek would expect her to mate Tumka as soon as he did .. as soon as any man did?

no

Ayguili then commanded me to apologize to Karvek for not speaking to him of Seveya. Did I not know that was wrong? I told Ayguili that no .. I had not known that was wrong. I had no intentions with Seveya other than what I had spoken of with her guardian. But I did as I was commanded and apologized to Karvek .. why? Because the Ubar's word is law and if it was not law five seconds before that? It certainly was now and ignorance of the law is not an excuse. I gave my word that if I had intentions towards a woman in the future I would not only speak to her guardian but I would also speak to her male relatives. I had not .. even ... had .... intentions.

It got worse from there. In the end I told them both I had no inspiration to turn Seveya over to anyone. That it was painfully clear to me that I was actually the only one that had her interests in mind. I was not out to disown her while still involving myself in her life .. taking everything she had and trying to destroy her and it while pretending she did not exist. I was not attempting to dig out her innocence or guilt before I tried to protect her. I was simply trying to protect the girl as best I could in the only way I knew how. I was trying to protect her despite her innocence or guilt .. protect her from herself if need be. I was the only one putting any value in her as a person despite what she had done. I was not the one calling her an animal and a liar and a whore. I was not the one trying to please everyone at the same time and accusing her of crimes against her uncle. I was just a man .. trying to set right something that had gone wrong ... and protect a woman from her own misguided notions that she had to do this for her own survival and happiness. All they were doing is proving that she had every right not to trust either one of them. And I thought she was wrong .. I know better now. I told them both it was a damned good thing she was in my hands and not their's anymore. I wanted to protect her choices. As much choice as we give any Tuchuk free woman .. which is a lot actually. Much more than they deserve sometimes .. but that is off subject.

I just wanted someone to help me. Someone .. please ... to help me preserve this innocence. This purity of thought and value that had accidentally fallen from the Sky at my feet. Do not make me do this alone .. I will fuck it up. I always do. I will leave my dirty fingerprints all over it. It will never be the same ... I just wanted someone to

..help me.

The Stuff of Dreams

2009-06-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

Catch was curious as to the future. I told her I needed to speak with Ayguili. That need was only increasing. I told her that much depended on that talk. And if I found out that this was some kaissa game between Seveya and her uncle that I would not be a simple pawn in their game. She was confused .. so I explained that there are games of power. Where people move against each other and use other people as pawns. Karvek had made a move to establish his power and control and if this move by Seveya was simply a tit for tat .. there would be consequences for involving me. I play by rules .. but those rules are not necessarily everyone else's rules. In fact .. rarely.

Catch said that would be a dangerous sort of game to play. Well that was my point. She said .. she chose to believe it was simply that Seveya wanted to be with me. Catch is biased .. despite the fact she told me it was based on her woman's intuition. Wily little slave. She asked me how I would know .. if it was a game or not. I told her motives have a way of becoming very clear .. especially with a little help. But none of this was anything but conjecture .. nothing could or would be done until I could talk to Ayguili. She must have been feeling rather comfortable with the fact I was answering all her questions .. she asked me what we would speak of. I subtly reminded her of her place by telling her we would speak of the business of men.

Catch told me she could tell that I cared a great deal for Seveya. How could she know such? Was that her bias speaking? Was she trying to tell me something she thought I wanted to know? I told her I did not know how I felt. She asked me if I knew how I felt about her. I told her it was much the same thing. She told me she wanted to be more .. be better at things she knew she could learn. She told me she was thankful for my time and the answers to her questions .. I told her she should be. She said felt bad that all she was doing was speaking of her .. when I had so many other things on my mind. I told her .. yes I did have many things on my mind but I was not loathe to speak of her. Then .. just like a woman ... she did a 180 and changed the subject as soon as I assured her I was all right with it.

figures

She told me .. she thought Seveya would be the one. The one .. what? I was confused. My brain is not crafted to dance so light footed. She said she thought Seveya was the one to give me fat Tuchuk babies.

huh

I asked her why she would say such a thing. What did she know that I did not? Why would she know more than I? I got a little wound up.

grunt

She said .. "When I came upon You two. You seemed very comfortable with each other. You...seemed....drawn together. I am..actually..envious of that a bit. The ease and at the same time, the spark that seems to flame between the two of You. There was no distance between You, and even though I have only seen a little of You in such circumstances... that was something different. It is what dreams are made of, that spark."

I tried to carve it up and dismiss it by my calculated and intense questions. I took a blade to her statement .. much like I have taken my hand to flesh. How dare she say that to me .. how dare she evoke some kind of belief in me for such things? Why would she set me up like that .. to hurt me? What had I ever done to her? What was her motive in putting the black tar of her boskshit faith on me? I did not want it. I did not want to be marked by it. I did not want it to fail me yet again and leave me wounded in ways I was uncertain I could continue to recover from. All my carefully crafted ideas of love got shoved inside the chest and forgotten as I raged against the very thing I wanted so badly. To believe.

But it was stronger than I was. It could not be washed off. It was permanently placed and withstood my feeble attempts to protect myself from it. Then with one deft stroke she placed her hand over my heart and said ..

"But what makes me pause, is that, You have spoken of Your dreams..dying. So I know that You are capable..of.. dismissing that spark."

She touched me. She touched me deeply and I am forever marked by it. She held something precious about someone else and chose to give it to me despite her own fear of loss. If she even knows fear .. she seemed not to be touched by it if she does. She did not keep it to herself .. she gave it to me. She shared it with me. She redeemed her gender to me in ways I can never hope to fully explain. I am not blind or stupid and I know she is human and female and she may not always be so wise and unselfish. But for that moment .. she was. For that moment she chose to be and in so doing gave me a gift of priceless value.

She spoke to me of what dreams are made of. She loved me enough to want me to have my dreams .. what she saw as my dreams. She wanted to secure them for me .. even though she thought they were another woman... to set her time and energy to serve and protect me. Her .. a slave. A slave I barely even know. A slave who has set me up as a hero. I thought that was to her own detriment. I thought that was a terrible mistake she would at some point wake up from. So simple .. does she not see how such a gift is also what dreams are made of? Of course she does not .. that is what makes it valid.

Can a man have two such gifts given to him? A man such as me? I am not worthy of such. I run around cursing the Sky on a regular basis. I am irreverent and stubborn .. brutal and unforgiving. I am apathetic and cruel in my cold distance ... and yet ... here within a few paces of each other were two women who seemed to be ...

what dreams are made of.

My dreams anyway.

The Gift of Beauty

2009-06-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

Catch is a beautiful woman. A beautiful slave. There is no doubt there. Her physical attributes are the stuff men sing and fight for. I am surrounded by beautiful women .. today I learned Catch is not just a beautiful woman .. she is a beautiful person. There are not so many of those around .. I am feeling rather possessive of this particular one.

She gave me a gift. A gift of hope .. hope in humanity. Not something I have much of. In fact something I was feeling even lower on after the night spent wondering if Seveya would ever recover .. if I would ever have a chance to return her to her place ... selfishly if I would ever get the chance to know who she really was to me personally. I have a small measure more now though .. thanks to Catch.

We spoke today .. Catch and I. While I worked the leather through my fingers and existentially pondered my small universe .. she curled around my leg trying not to interfere too much with my task. A task I did not seem willing to set aside. Mostly because the task was all that kept me from my own temper. Something I am far too easily in touch with most times.

She asked me how Seveya was. I told her I did not know. She was either sleeping or still unconscious. She asked me what happened .. to both of us. I did not understand the question ... I asked her to refine it and reduce it and try again. She said she wanted to know everything .. how I was injured. I had forgotten I had even been injured in those moments .. her question suddenly made sense in my own context. She said she wanted to know why the woman Seveya was deposited in my wagon in a bloody heap of flesh and bone .. and why she appeared as a slave. Either that or a very ravaged mate.

It was easy to figure out where to begin .. I told Catch that Seveya had submitted to me. I told her that Karvek .. by all evidence presented ... seemed to be taking it rather personal and hard. She followed that .. kudos to her for me not having to explain that one in detail because I could not have. Situationally it did not make sense to me yet. Then she asked me if I would ever do that.

Do what? Beat the shit out of someone? Well yes .. yes I have and probably will again. Though I have not laid my hands on any woman since my return .. kudos to me. She specified though .. would I take it so personally if someone in my family submitted to a man? I told her .. of course I would. I would take it personally if Mezoo or Cana submitted. If Asria submitted that would be another vein all together .. but Mezoo and Cana were the type of female family members that I hope applied to this situation. I was still suffering lingering doubts as to Karvek's relationship with his niece but .. for now I would assume it was as innocent as my own with my family. In which case .. yes ... yes I would take it personally. Yes it would hurt me .. personally. All the things I would never be able to share or experience with them. But .. honestly .. I felt the same kind of loss when they were given away as a mate to someone. Granted with Mezoo there was loss of the sharing of Clan .. but mostly the part I would take personally would be .. well ... what I lost. And those things I lose as soon as those women cleave themselves to another man. When they become a possession .. when their priorities shift. When they do not have the time or the inclination of time they once had with me.

As for the slight or offense .. embarrassment? Women are crafted to follow their hearts. If a man did not create a woman .. then I can guarantee it was someone that made women "for" a man. Because she is perfect. She is made to compliment and bolster and lift our egos above the mess of mistakes we make on a regular basis. I believe innate in her is the ability to mold herself once her heart is secured to fit that man in any way he needs that does not destroy her as a person. She is to stand beside or kneel at our feet come what may .. despite us.

If Mezoo found a man who captured her heart in such a way? Of course I would take it personally .. but who am I to dictate to her how she chooses to follow her heart? Had I not all ready suffered some of that loss with Mezoo? She sought the advice and time of another man .. to share those little bright moments of her day with him. It hurts .. that letting go ... but I would have it no other way. When I see them together .. when I see how happy she is and how .. grown up she has become. I am amazed and .. proud.

No .. Mezoo has not submitted to Ayguili .. but there is little else I would suffer if she did. Probably the first shock of seeing her naked. The first time I wished to speak to her of Clan business and I could not. I might selfishly kick the dirt around a little in my own space. But a man does not condition himself to have her forever. To keep her all to myself. To rest all my dreams of the future on her. No I want a woman for myself that I can have and hold and will leave all she was .. for me. Whether that be as my mate or as my slave. Falon and I went rounds about family .. about where I stood in her heart and mind. With Falon .. her family came first and she felt that was how it should be. That is the point where Falon and I took different paths in our relationship. Those paths just never met up again. Understanding how I feel .. I can not judge another man and how he wishes to have that woman .. even my family member ... cleave to him.

If Mezoo submitted to Ayguili .. would I as her family and guardian step in? Hell yes I would. But it would be to protect her. Protect her from Ayguili .. protect her from herself. And then .. make for damn sure she knew what she was doing and this was a choice she was making because she was well informed of her choices. That she would be doing so out of courage .. not fear. Mezoo is not just any free woman .. she is Tuchuk ... she is family. I am possessive and protective of her. But if .. in my findings ... I found that she was of her right mind and this was what she truly wanted .. needed ... to be at his feet .... I would move mountains and bridge rivers to make it happen for her. Smooth her path and give her all the things she wanted and .. more. If it was in my power to do. Even if the things she wanted so badly .. were not me.

And those hurts .. those bouts of temper? Has anyone seen them with Mezoo? With Cana? No. And no one will. Those selfish emotions are locked away behind walls and traps. I can count on one hand the women who have gotten far enough through that maze to kick that chest over and spill the contents. And every time it happens? It just gets harder to find. Catch said she cried when she was hurt. I told her I had wept .. but it just did not seem to do me any good at all. I have screamed my pain at the Sky .. wept my dreams into the soil. Seemed like a lot of wasted energy to me at this point. As I was talking to Catch I got yet one more clue to the missing three years. One more difference in me that I could not completely account for. One more puzzle piece to the end result that might .. with careful calculation ... lead me backwards to the events.

She asked me if it made me angry. Loss of control over the things I am possessive over .. makes me angry. I told Catch I was feeling .. possessive. But this argument between Seveya and her uncle had started before I got involved. Before I had a right to be involved. Now that I held the right to be involved .. if he continued to be bent on destroying what was mine to protect I would of course step in. But if this was the end of it? An ill timed and poorly crafted goodbye .. good luck ... will not see you on the other side ... sort of conversation? I would consider it over and done with and move on.

She gave me that worship look .. the one she gets so often with me that confuses the ever living shit out of me. And she said that she could ask for no better protector and she would do everything she could. Well I did not understand that last bit and I asked her what she meant. She said .. she would do all she could .. all she was allowed to do to protect my property.

huh

That caught my interest. I wanted to cut that apart .. skin it ... and see how it worked. So I asked her .. was she not jealous? Was Seveya .. at this moment ... not invading her personal space as a slave? Was she not threatened? She asked me if I no longer wanted to catch her .. and make sure no one who had caught her ... kept her? I told her .. that would be between her and I. My wants and desires of her. She told me that as long as Seveya did not mean that she no longer had a place with me .. that she was not jealous .. for now. Kudos to her for her honesty with the tag at the end of her sentence. I am starting to like Catch. Not just own her .. possess her ..

... but like her.

Weather Beaten

2009-06-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

I was told.

So I had some idea of what I would find when I returned. But even I did not suspect the extent of the damage. That coupled with the ritualistic pyre building .. I had some clue to the depths of Karvek's emotional outburst. An outburst that spread itself all over the Harigga .. not just Seveya's face.

Now I have taken after a slave or two in my time. One in particular. I wish I could say it was for such a thing as love. I am not so noble a man. I can only say it was selfish on my part. A selfish feeling of hurt .. and desire to not be hurt anymore .. no matter the cost. A rage against someone getting too close to me ... and one part of me needing them closer and another part of me convinced they would never accept who I really was .. underneath it all. As lonely as it is .. there is a certain satisfaction in speaking your own destiny into existence. In assuring your own fate .. by pure strength of will. Setting out to prove yourself right .. and in the end you do. But it is a hallow satisfaction .. a satisfaction built only to comfort the predictability of it all and containing very little else but that alone.

And yet .. in the desert ... that alone can be enough.

It was late .. and yet I still woke Aod to come with me. I also took Ogedaii's Bitch ... with his permission of course. It would have been hard to untangle them without it. Between the three of us we patched up Seveya. The Bitch stitched her lip. I had seen .. suffered ... her talents for days and I had been right in my assumptions she was a skilled craftsman in her Clan .. what used to be her Clan. Her fingers are deft and much more capable than my own or Aod's gnarled hands .. Seveya should not scar. It was as much of a gift as I could provide.

It is a terrible thing to do to a man. To expect responsibility .. mature thinking ... and the right things from him .. and then to make him protective. Would I seek retribution from Karvek? No .. Seveya was for all intent and purpose a slave and a man has a right to visit whatever he wishes upon a slave. A woman held in possession of a collar. Had I a right to seek to be repaid for the damage and the favors I would owe for her care? Yes .. of course. But at this point it would be petty and I had no desire to step into the bizarre emotional state born of .. Sky only knew what kind of relationship Karvek had with his niece. At this point I had no idea what all Karvek was mourning .. but I wanted no part of it. And he certainly did not appear to be anywhere near capable of rational conversation about anything .. let alone Seveya.

I returned Ogedaii's Bitch after she was done patching .. Aod stayed with Seveya the rest of the night and left in the morning to return to her wagons. She told me I owed her a dream or two for the interrupted night of sleep. I watched her leave and I was reminded of my fortune in the people around me who care not only for me but for those I care of. There have been one or two here and there throughout the years .. but today I felt rich with it. Rich with those people who I count as family.

I brought my task to the steps of my wagon that morning .. waiting for Seveya to wake .. if she woke at all. Aod is no slouch as a Spex and neither am I .. and yet neither one of us could predict the future ... if the injuries to Seveya's head would ever allow her to return to consciousness. Ogedaii's bitch had done all she could for her body. It was now up to the things no Healer or Spex could ever manipulate.

The leather gave me something for my hands to do .. something to focus on. The feel of the leather through my fingers .. the rhythmic motions born now of years of repetitive touch ... was a tenuous rein on my temper. I thought about how much better I was at that since my return .. I wondered why. What had happened .. what events had laid themselves out through those three years that had taught me more control of my emotions. I did not feel so mature .. rather convinced it is just a series of walls .. taller ... stronger than the ones before. That would be much more like me .. rather than this ethereal maturity and wisdom conceived from a nothingness. What has not killed me has made me stronger. Less prone to the weakness of emotions.

However .. I am now protective. More so than I was before. And it is not the desire of Karvek to erase his niece's face from his sight that I can not understand. No .. I actually understand it very well .. though from me that inclination is usually born of a more sexually based possessiveness. I do not know how it works for Karvek .. I do not know the man. I am protective of her .. yes ... but it is a little more global than that. I am protective of my Harigga .. of my People .. of the plains. Madness is a weakness that knows no boundaries or rules. No one .. nothing ... is safe from it ... especially Karvek.

As I kept my hands busy with something constructive .. if asked I could not have told you which one was more weather beaten .. bruised and broken ..

.. Seveya ... or her uncle.

Deja Vu

2009-06-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

Jaella sat beside me. I was currently aware of the ironic circumstances. But that is not what Jaella wished to talk to me about .. at least at that point.

She wanted to speak to me of the spirits and Sahli. Of the spirits .. in ... Sahli. Of the spirits of the cave. Now my experience with these were minimal. I .. do not do ... spirits. Not the kind that were ever human anyway. When I speak of spirits I speak of entities that never drew breath or lived upon the grass as we do. However I had gone that day to help Sahli .. and from what I was gathering from Jaella .. that was not the end of it.

She asked me several questions .. some I had answers for ... others I did not. She gave me a leather pouch with some hair and beads from the Kassar woman. I asked her if she had given the thing to Sahli yet .. and she said no ... that she was afraid to let someone who was taking up residence in Sahli know about it. It made sense to me and so I told her I would hold onto it until it was needed.

Some might say .. "Fonce that was basically inviting yourself into a good haunting". But I do not .. do ... spirits. Not the kind that feel the need to haunt .. I feel I must reiterate.

She asked me about Yamka then .. and I told her basics of what the dynamic was and she of course connected as I knew she would. Thus .. the irony of the entire situation. She told me if Yamka's friendship was real .. it would weather the twists and turns of life. That it might take her awhile to find the path .. but that she would ... if the relationship was built on more than just circumstance. If anyone had the right and the knowledge to speak to me of such things .. it would be Jaella. I gave her words the weight they deserved.

It was about that time that Asria arrived with Lei and First Son of Trayu. Lei came to me and told me that I was her friend and offered me a box. She informed me that what was inside would not help me fix the wagon wheels any better because her mom had not allowed her to bring me paga. Within the box was a lock of her hair .. tied in a ribbon ... and a small feather. After what had passed between Asria and I .. I trusted none of it. But I told Lei I was thankful for her thoughtful gift. Lei told me it was so I would not forget her now .. I told her there was no danger of that. With or without the gift. She then told me I was allowed to teach her brother to fix wheels and drink paga. A thing of high trust and I told Lei I was aware of how much trust and that I appreciated such a gesture of faith in me.

Asria was making friends with Jaella .. but then asked me if she could ask that I keep her in mind on my next hunt. I told her that was not a problem .. I had heard of all the widowed women's children she had been collecting and telling stories to. Giving their mothers a break and time to do Clan responsibilities. I was not sure where that left Asria in her own Clan responsibilities .. but I knew what she was doing was important and something she obviously felt a calling to do.

I told her I had just butchered a bosk for my own use and Oren's wagons and I would send a good portion of it over. I knew Ayguili would be providing plenty .. but I also knew he might not be aware of how much extra Asria was using yet. There was more than enough to share and I made sure plenty got sent to Asria's wagons.

Asria left and Jaella and I settled into a comfortable conversation about the past .. she was surprised to find out that Ba'atar had been Ubar before his brother Ayguili. She had some experiences to share about Ba'atar that I had not known when I was Ubar and her guardian.. or things might have turned out a little differently. Things that only confirmed what I had learned of him since my return and though I respected his command then and would still again if and when he returned .. the man had lost my personal respect. She apologized for not speaking to me of it then. But I told her .. it was yesterday and fortunately no harm had come of her silence. What seemed to be good for the whole just happened to not be so great for either one of us .. but Tribe above all. Ba'atar was not there to defend himself .. so history was history .. and we both agreed it was the past and well behind us.

It was then that Seveya arrived. Just the sight of her eased the lines around my eyes and I felt my jaw relax. I could not deny .. to myself or anyone else ... that she pleased me. Her .. not her position ... whatever that turned out to be.

Did I say I really needed to find Ayguili?

Jaella commended Seveya for her courage. Seveya probably had no idea where those words came from .. but I did. I knew. I knew from whom Jaella had learned them. I knew what example she used to gauge that kind of courage. And I hoped Seveya realized the kind of experience that gave those words weight .. even if she did not know the specifics.

Then Jaella told Seveya the story. There was a moment there I think Seveya understood more than she was being told. She certainly pays attention .. though in this case it was spelled out rather clearly. If there was anything else I needed to add to that .. deja vu feeling ... I had it wrapped and delivered for my perusal.

A Gift

2009-06-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

My mind has been heavy with the current situation of Seveya .. or Seveya's current situation ... whichever you prefer. Despite the fact I did not kill her or send her back to her guardian in shame .. despite the fact I accepted her and I am protecting her .. I still did not believe she belonged at the feet of men. And if she does .. I would like to know it. I had not been able to find Ayguili. I spent the night in the herd at the rider's fires. Plenty of witnesses to my time and energy. Still did not find him though.

I was sitting at the stream .. letting the weight of my thoughts slowly rise through my brain like bubbles through tar. My head hurt with the pressure of it. Yamka found me there. Yamka is not someone I wanted to speak to right then. Yamka has a way of seeing things that do not always align with me ..and how I see them. Seveya was one of those things I knew would not align well. But she had sought me out to give me a gift. A gift of a story blanket done in leather. Different squares meant different things .. different ways she saw me and how she interpreted not only me but what she thought I needed.

I commended her not only for the work she had put into it but for the thought she had obviously done to be able to give me such a gift. She did not nail me completely .. but if she had I would have recommended her for the Spex Clan instead of the Leather Workers. She proved to be observant and thoughtful .. and I appreciated the time and care she had put into it.

She seemed to want to talk about Seveya. But not directly enough that I felt any compunction to tell her everything. She spoke to me of what Seveya had told her the night they had spoken .. and I told Yamka strait up what she said were lies. She asked me why Seveya would lie .. I told her I had no idea. I had no idea if Seveya had lied to Yamka or if Yamka had just misunderstood the words Seveya had given her and Yamka had assumed the rest. Whatever the case I told Yamka she was mistaken in what I had said .. what I had meant .. and what my intentions had been and were currently.

She did not press me .. she did not ask me. She told me she was going to go find Seveya and I figured that was best for both of them. I had no desire to manage or control that. Seveya was being held in a kind of limbo and I had no intention of trying to explain that to Yamka. I was having enough trouble understanding it myself and I just wanted to find Ayguili .. who was no where to be found.

I rolled and tucked the story blanket at my side .. my thoughts no less settled when Jaella approached me from where she had been washing out blankets.

And no .. I was not immune to the ironic twist going on.

Just What I Needed

2009-06-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time
'cause when you're standin' oh so near
I kinda lose my mind
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time

I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep
it doesn't matter where you've been
as long as it was deep, yeah
you always knew to wear it well and
you look so fancy I can tell
I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep

I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to feed
I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to bleed

- Cars

I had sought some solitary solace. Not that I had not had enough of it since my Love Wars escapade. This was the longest I had been out of action that I could ever remember. I was going stir crazy .. losing my mind ... going to come unsealed around the edges soon. Still .. it was not bad to lay on the grass and contemplate how much I hated the Sky. It left me all warm and fuzzy and feeling good about myself.

There was one solitary cloud in the blue expanse above me. I felt a certain solitary kinship with it. Upon the horizon several wall clouds piled up in classic thunderstorm fashion. I wondered how this little one had escaped .. I wondered if he would be allowed to roam free or if the pack would come for him. Spreading their gray storm filled existence across my window.

I have way too much time on my hands.

There is a look .. a way about a woman when she is on a mission. A man learns to watch for this like he learns to watch for plain's fires .. or raiding Kassar. It is all about the survival. A man likes to survive. I felt purpose radiating off Seveya long before she arrived at my solitary solace place. It was no longer solitary .. and I had a distinct Spex like feeling it was about to lose a little solace. Even those thunderheads took notice and held off. Her tone was quiet and settled .. at the same time she was wound tight and ready to spring free. The two combined in a woman never spells good things. At least in my experience.

Now fortunately for her I had my "big boy" skin laying around easy for me to take up and put on. The Oralu .. mature ... guardian kind of skin. The one I reserved for just such occasions as this. I think she caught my hesitation. I do not think she appreciated it .. though she did thank me in advance for my patience. I asked her if she was thanking me for the patience I had .. or the patience she was sure I was going to have. She told me it could go either way.

huh .. figures

She decided to test my skin. To see just how far the fucker would stretch. The skin is still intact .. though it was a close thing ... a very close thing .. has a couple of tears in it.

I want to expound .. to delve into and explore all the things she said to me. I want to expose them .. to display them. To grease them and polish them and call them mine. But I can not do that. I can not separate the words she told me from the fear she felt. I do not know what was real .. and what was born out of irrational fear fueled by her uncle and I am .. assuming ... myself in my words and actions to her.

Presented with this beautiful gift of everything she is and wants to be .. I yet have doubts as to the entirety of the motivation. Was it purely for me? Was this what she wanted? I have never seen anything like slave behavior from Seveya. In fact .. I have seen slave like behavior from most every other free woman at the Fires in comparison to the purity of behavior from Seveya. Not one dirty joke .. not one flash of desire .. not one tease of sexuality that I would have forgiven even if I had seen ... but I did not.

Which leaves me to surmise that any such thoughts are born purely from the desire to give me all and in return expect all from me. Which I have inadvertently set her up for by speaking of relationships .. free and slave. By being so hard to reach .. so unbelieving of those around me. And knowing that .. can I stop it? No. But I can see the evidence of what I have done to her thought process. It was not my intention. I was not attempting to tell Seveya through subtle means that a woman has to submit to me before I will allow them to get close. Not at all. Have they not noticed I ignore slaves on a regular basis? Have they not realized that only by my respect for the free have they even garnered my attention for any regular periods of time? Do I believe a slave has the ability to get closer to me than any free woman? Yes. But it is a theory. I have never proved it. Do I want all women to submit to me? Of course not. I want children and a mate and that is not going to happen with a slave. I am not going to have children .. with a slave. Was this all something I was attempting to orchestrate and .. "good Sky look Seveya figured it out just like T'zuri?" No.

I must say again .. no.

But I also know how much easier it is to attempt to show me these things as a slave .. because it feels like you have all the power in the world to offer yourself to me and to gain my trust in a way you have not been able to .. so far. I know it feels like you are proving your own words to me .. by submitting all you are to my every whim. But .. it is not necessary. It is not what I am looking for or what I even want. I want to learn .. and to grow ... and to get to the point where I can understand what I want. And in doing so I tend to push and pull and test my boundaries.

Was I angry? No. How could I be? How could I not take this gift given to me and appreciate it .. simply because I appreciate who Seveya is as a person? And should I have picked her up by her short hair and marched her back to her guardian? You could tell me so .. I could not. It was not in me to do it. I will not endanger a woman again like that. I wanted to protect her. At first from everyone .. and then ... from me. I did not want to give her back. I wanted to keep her for my very own.

And yet .. I knew I had to. I knew I had to hold onto that mature "good guy" skin and do what was right. Do what was respectable. I had to find Ayguili and discuss this with him. I needed that rational mind to help me figure out what was best for Seveya .. and in turn for me. Was I willing to give up getting to know her? No. Was I willing to turn her over to be given away to someone she thought would kill her? Not any more. Was I now motivated to get to the bottom of who had control over who she mated? Well .. yes. I thought I had known .. I spoke to the man I needed to. I did my part .. held up my responsibility .. and yet here we were with something gone terribly wrong.

Or had it.

See? I am still not sure. I am still not sure if this was the right thing or the wrong thing .. but the part I do know is that I will never know unless the woman is set back where she belongs with no fear. No fear to make a choice that is good for her. Is it the Gorean way? The Tuchuk way? No. Ask me if I give a wild flying fuck. I have rules .. rules for myself and rules for those around me and one of them is .. I like to know why someone is in my space. Another rule is .. never trust fear. And by the Sky never trust emotions born from fear. Ever.

Seveya is not just any other woman. She is a free woman .. a free Tuchuk woman of the First Fires. I must give that respect. And yet she was so sure .. so sure of what and where she wanted to be. Am I doing her a disservice by not trusting her to know her own destiny? Her own course? Is she not the Tuchuk free woman I just described .. intelligent ... fierce and prideful? I am a man torn .. torn between two things. Torn by the knowledge that Seveya must be returned to Ayguili and set back in her place if I am ever going to know her heart and mind fully ... and the fact that ... I do have trust of her intelligence and fierce pride and I want to gather this gift to myself and claim it for what it appears to be.

And with all that I have not even gotten to the part where I decide what it is I want from Seveya. Is it the fierce prideful Tuchuk free woman I know her to be? The woman to stand by my side and face the Sky together? To fight for every scrap and piece we take from this life? Or do I want her complete submission to my will and word. A woman kneeling at my feet with no ability to hide anything from me. With no right to withhold an ounce of who she is from my hand. To peel her apart layer by layer until she is my possession in every sense of the word?

I do not know. I never got the chance to decide. I have no idea. There was a connection this day. I felt her. I felt her for the first time. It was not just that she made me feel .. I felt her. It was brief .. a flicker. But I felt her and I want to know more. I do know that much. I just have no flipping freaking fucking clue what I want to do with it once I know it. Will I ever know it? Will I ever know Seveya beneath the layers she hides in? Will she ever stop trying to solve all the problems before she speaks of them? Will she ever trust me enough to solve them with me? Is Seveya a woman whose thoughts and purpose are simply built on fear and what she thinks she knows of me .. or is she

.. just what I needed.

Warmth

2009-06-05T06:55:00.000-07:00

My thoughts .. like randomly lighting fireflies against a black velvet backdrop ... no rhythm or rhyme to their pattern. Each one brilliant and sharp .. but without a collective ... hard to pin down as anything but chaos.

I joined others as they relaxed along the bank of the stream. Pleased enough to just be there and listen .. not exactly finding much thought to contribute out of the mess in my head. As I arrived Cana seemed to be asking Sahli to fix a drum for her .. one that had been made by the Mamba .. it made me think of Ogedaii's bitch .. even though she was not Mamba at all ... simply someone they had made over to be for entertainment's sake. Such a world of lies and make believe .. I could not follow it ... their world. But there went my thoughts again .. off on their own trail with no connection to what was going on around me.

Sahli seemed reluctant to touch it .. if it was made from human skin. It amused me a little .. I can not say I blame him. Not that I have any problem touching human skin .. either on or off the body. But it does hold a lot of superstition. And the ook factor can not be dismissed .. it exists for most.

Asria greeted me with an over exuberance that caused a little bit of a catch in my brain. What the fuck .. I think were the literal words used in my thought process. I probably stared at her .. I do not remember if I did or not. But that incongruence was merely one more flicker.

Cana nudged me from my thoughts as she asked to settle near me .. I welcomed her company. I wish I had more time to speak to her alone .. but she is always busy when I see her and I have been reluctant to pull her away from everyone. Sometimes I am driven with no thoughts of others .. driven for a goal. Other times I am simply overwhelmed with them and thoughts of them and I opt for just not intruding. It eases the over stimulated fever of my thoughts.

Cana told me it was good to see me moving better .. I told her.. "slowly but surely". Then she said something else .. "time heals many things ... even wounds". I think she meant more than my physical wounds. I think she was referring to the talk I had with Jaella at the pens. I appreciated it .. whether or not that is what she meant ... I still took the words as more globally comforting.

I told her I had spoken with Tarra .. about the talismans being made for her children. She wanted to make sure also that I was not offended by such .. I had to reiterate to her just as I did Tarra ... why would I? What about the safety and well being of the children would I not be invested in personally? I understand I am hard to get along with sometimes and that I have an abundance of pride .. I just wish there was someone .. sometime ... that would understand how that pride works. Tarra and Mezoo making talismans for Cana's children certainly did not offend me or threaten my pride in any manner nor could I see how it could possibly do so.

Then Cana said she needed to apologize to me. I could not think of what she could be apologizing for so I asked her. She said sometimes she was a little protective of me. Voiced things she probably did not need to .. even things she did not ask me first if I wanted her to voice things over. I tried to tell her that .. honestly that is how family works. I have never had one .. but I have studied them enough to understand that part of it. Perhaps my motivation to understand something I have never had has led me to understand the dynamic even better than those who have it. When family takes care of family there is plenty of room for that protective caring to overstep boundaries and tread on feelings .. even if softly. But despite that fact .. I would not trade Cana .. or others who care about me for anything in the world. I am quite fortunate in that I get to choose my family. I think I have chosen well with Cana .. despite the little things ... the big thing is more than worth it to me. Cana is a treasure to me .. even when she tells people what I need without checking with me first. I love her for it .. even when it irritates me. To me .. that is family.

Mezoo wished to apologize also .. hearing the conversation between I and Cana and said she had felt protective as well. I told her I had not even realized she was having those feelings .. but ... that there was one thing I knew about both of them and that was that they both had my best interest in their hearts. Mezoo is family. And though I do not know her well as a person .. like a friend ... she is family and I know enough that I trust her with my best interests just as I do Cana.

Now if I could just be that understanding with the women in my life. The .. "not so family" ... women.

huh

Speaking of .. Catch arrived at the stream and eased into the warmth of the afternoon. Brought a little of it with her .. a comfort at my side. A feeling of possession that gave me a settled feeling as she knelt and I directed her cheek to my thigh and allowed the touch of my fingers to explore the Central Fire warmed silky richness of her hair.

Silken joined us and then Ash. Silken seems to have lost some of her identity with herself. Her appreciation of herself. I do not know why .. or how ... but I know I do not possess the ability to give it back to her. I know that is not my place and I would not take that place even if I could. I am too easily lost myself. I am too easily distracted and comfortable being alone .. I know by now that I would drive her insane. She has found a connection with Ash .. perhaps because they know the old ways. The ways of years before my time. It must be good to connect with that. With people .. just like it was good to see Sahli and Jaella for me. I hope that something in Ash's memories can help Silken with her darkness. Help connect her to the woman she was .. has been ... and always will be in there some where. The woman we have all grown to like .. even in her tempestuous ways ... learned to look for and find a certain comfort of knowledge in. Even when it makes us want to strangle her.

However .. the highlight of my day .. the part that I believe I found the most comfort in .. was the quiet attention of my slave at my side. The simple enjoyment of touch and the ease which we both existed in each other's space .. despite the frantic sparking of my random and chaotic thoughts.

Tell Me .. The Story

2009-06-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

-The Who

It was time .. it was far passed time. Not that I was in any hurry ... though since Sahli and Jaella's return there was in me a small sense of urgency. The thought of closure seemed within my grasp. It became my focus for a couple of days .. not much else tempted my thought process away from it. The knowledge that Jaella and T'zuri had left together was more than I knew before and it hung like bait in a trap before me.

So it was when I went in search of Jaella and I found her at the kaiila pens with Cana .. there was just one thing on my mind. One singular thing.

I wanted to know the rest .. of the story.

I asked her if she knew what happened .. if she knew ... what she knew of T'zuri. My gaze rather intent on her features .. willing to know by her expressions anything she was not saying as well as portents of things she might say.

"I think I should start at the beginning. I had known something was wrong with T'zuri for a while. I did not know what, she wouldn't even talk to me. She became agitated, and one day she just decided she had to go. I decided I would go with her to try and change her mind, and of course Sahli refused to let us go alone. I made headway that first night in talking to her, and much as I love her, I had no plans on staying one for more than a day or two at most. But, when we made camp that night - we were taken. I didn't know where at first, but ended up that at least I was now being held by some Kassar. But I never saw T'zuri after that first night."

My heart sank. Sank into my stomach and the level of bile rose in my throat as my heart displaced so much of it. It was not that I expected to hear anything else .. but the hearing of it .. was harder than I thought it would be. It was hard to imagine the Kassar would have taken one and not the other .. I asked Jaella if she had been enslaved.

"No. That is the most odd part. They never even tried. In fact, the man that was clearly their leader was quite protective. I soon found out why. Fonce - his woman, it was like looking in a mirror. It was unsettling."

"But in your time with the Kassar .. you never saw T'zuri or heard what happened to her?"

"Not a sign or a word, and I did try to see. I angered them more than once by poking around and wandering when told not to. Not even a hint, not in the wagon I woke up in, no where. Its as if she completely vanished from the Plains in a wisp of smoke. I'm sorry."

She could not have said anything else at that point which would have stirred my anger .. not in the face of so much loss for me. Wisp of smoke? My gaze narrowed and the lines around my eyes deepened as the muscle of my jaw tensed. My word were not mature or logical .. they were born on the breath of disappointment that never was given closure so many years before. A thing I had never forgiven the Sky for .. which only compounded the passing of T'zuri by the same exact words. Wisp of smoke ..

..figures

"Perhaps ... she is with Kaz then."

fucking figures

I had no desire to show either Jaella or Cana how much the last couple of days had left me feeling terribly alone .. this tease of words of T'zuri had not made it better ... it had compounded everything and Jaella's unwitting .. or Spex like ... coupling of the event with Kaz's untimely demise only made things worse. I knew that was going to come back to haunt me.

Pun intended

I told Jaella none of this was her fault .. that I was no worse off for her knowledge. I told her T'zuri was not her responsibility. I did not want to give her the idea I was any less happy to see her return simply because she could not fulfill my selfish desire to learn of T'zuri.

Jaella asked me about the fact that the man .. the Kassar ... had seemed unusually fascinated with her because of her likeness to his woman. I told her there could be many reasons for it .. perfectly benign reasons .. and if there was a mystery there .. it was a mystery to me as well.

I wanted away .. to leave them. Both of them I consider some of my best friends and I knew both of them as women had the intuition to understand how pained I was right then. But I wanted neither one of them to experience it .. I wanted neither one of them to see the practical examples of my behavior that would denote such. I needed to be alone. To be around people who did not know me .. who could not see the signs ... who would have no idea what my fucking problem was and chalk it up to me just being an asshole.

So I lost myself in a crowd .. made a few enemies ... and no one knew better.

The A B C's of .. Goodbye

2009-06-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

I do not know .. exactly ... how I feel about Seveya yet. But I did know I liked to be around her. I liked to talk to her .. I am speaking in passed tense ... you see ... I have to. She told me goodbye.

I thought it was going to be one of those conversations where I went about explaining myself .. as usual. Explaining why and how and what I was all about. Why I did the things I did .. why I asked and said the things I did. I can do that .. I can explain myself ... even when it pisses me off to do so. Even when I am getting my ears pinned back for some misunderstanding. Do I enjoy it?

no

Do I find redeeming qualities in someone making such large assumptions of me and getting angry and stewing for so long without even asking me ... what I meant?

no

Will I do it? Will I lay it all out and go through it and attempt to help someone understand that I am really not that evil and cruel of a person?

of course

All my on purpose cruelty .. my evil tendencies ... my torture and sadistic pleasures ... are reserved for the Mask. I actually try not to do that to people. No .. I mean it. Honest Tuchuk.

I tried to tell her how much I just want to understand. By understanding her I learn how I feel. By digging around in her ideals and thoughts I may get my hands all bloody but .. I learn. I learn how she makes me feel. I learn who she is ... I learn ..... I learn.

I thought we .. came to an understanding. I thought .. things were going so well. I kept my temper in the midst of the onslaught. I was proud of myself for being able to go through it all .. all the misunderstandings and get them all straitened out like crimped and broken threads.

She told me she may not ever be able to dig around in me like that. But that is all right .. I do not need someone to do that. I just need someone to understand me. If she learned understanding a different way .. that was all right with me. I do not mind. But I did tell her .. it was all right if she wanted to do it that way. If she felt the urge to dig around in me and get her fingers all bloody and get her hands full of who I was as a man ... as a person. I told her .. it was all right.

She said she might not ever learn to do that ... that was all right with me. Then she told me it was probably all moot anyway because her Uncle had chosen another man ... for her.

ow

I had heard rumors .. I had seen her reaction to the young warrior at the stream. I am not stupid. But .. this was the first time she had let me know ... strait up. That all of it was pointless. This was the first time she told me she had no choice. That she would respect her uncle's wishes. This is the first time she told me .. she would survive her heartache ... that her heartache was survivable. So that is when I told her that if her heartache was survivable .. then the timing was ... good. If she was not deep enough in her and I that she would disrespect her uncle .. if she was not deep enough in "us" that she considered any other option than this man her uncle had chosen ... if she was not deep enough into this "thing" we were trying to figure out that her heartache was perfectly survivable ... than how I could not say .. this was a good thing? How could not support her obedience and her respect of her uncle? How could I tell her she was a bad person for doing what she thought was ultimately right? How could I blame her for telling me .. goodbye?

It is not easy to scrape up all your ideas of what might be .. what could be ... what is possible while you are in the process of being so fucking mature. Kudos to me. I am a good man. I did not tell her to fuck off and die for making me believe she was more confirmed in her feelings for me than she was. I did not tell her .. life is full of choices and you are making one that tells me you do not care about me. I did not tell her she was fatalistic and depressing and passive aggressive and I did not tell her she was so lost in her own darkness she could not ever see what little light I had to offer. I did not tell her that her loss of faith and belief was a sure killer of "us" because I did not have any and I had not had time to learn any from her before she fell into the abyss herself. I did not tell her that I can not save myself .. thus I certainly can not save anyone else so willing to topple over and succumb so passively to the nothing. I did not tell her she was weak and pathetic and spineless and I did not blame her for not telling me so sooner .. and giving me false hope in her strength and light.

I did none of those things. Because I am a good man. When the fuck is someone going to notice?

fuck

All my support made her ask me if I was drawing a line and turning her into my sister.

me?

Drawing lines?

huh?

I told her no .. I was not the one drawing lines but by the Sky I am going to respect the lines being drawn for me. And I am going to fucking thank the Sky while I am at it for making it all clear while both of us are still able to survive this.

She said .. she was not ever going to draw those lines. I told her she would. I told her she would be the good niece she all ready told me she was. She would respect her uncle's wishes. I told her Ay would never go against her family decision .. especially if Seveya was willing. Which she was. I know because she told me so. I told her she would respect her mate and be honorable and faithful and ... fuck I was talking out my ass. I was scraping all the good things I could find to say about her .. for her ... because I did not want to say all the other things that I really wanted to say. I wanted to remind her what a good responsible person she was being instead of telling her she was a heartless bitch ... what good would that do?

I have learned it does me no good at all ... remember?

Sky help me I wanted to leave Seveya intact. If I could but save one? If I could just be the good guy once ... and I was. And I meant it. I meant all the good things I said about her. They are all true.

I just wish she was not such a good person. I just wish I could tell her all those bad things about herself .. and that they would be true. Instead I am left with the A B C's of telling me goodbye.

A. Tell me it is all pointless. Tell me there is no hope when I have so much trouble with hope and faith and love in the first place.

B. Tell me you have no choice. Tell me you will do what is right despite the fact that means .. right is without me. Tell me that you are committed to being .. without me ... and remind me that is because you are a good person.

C. Tell me that you will survive not being with me. That it is all right .. in the long run. You will be just fine and all will be well. That your investment in me .. is mortal.

Those .. are the A B C's of telling me .. goodbye.

The Wind Walker Returns

2009-06-03T17:48:00.000-07:00

It was the evening that Ayguili announced that Seveya had earned First Fires. It was a big deal .. it was something I know she has been looking for .. working for and attempting to earn even before her father's death. I congratulated her but there was not much chance to speak to her personally .. there were many who were trying to tell her how proud they were of her and how exciting it was for her to achieve this goal.

I guess I do not see it as incredible as most. I guess I do not put as much importance as most in being First Fires. There are plenty of Tuchuk I admire and seek the company of that are not First Fires. There was a time I was driven to earn my place here .. to put right something I felt had been wronged. To earn respect back for my name that my father had lost. To set myself above those who spoke of how "no good" I was. Spoiled to be anything but a worthless mistake like my father. Destined to reap what he sowed .. disloyalty ... treason ... and death. But having earned it .. having been Ubar myself. I found that it did not answer any of those cravings. It did not feel like it set anything right. Those words still stung .. the wounds were still there. So as much as I see it as a worthy goal .. a goal to work towards and a gathering of those people who compliment the Ubar's fires and are set up as the caretakers of the Tribe ... it has lost a little of its power to enchant me.

Sahli is back .. he was sitting there like he had never left. It was shocking and good at the same time to see him. It gave me a little more of a feeling that I was indeed home .. the familiar face. The slightly off drummer who beats his drum to a different path. A path dictated to him by the winds. I have a lot of respect for Sahli. And even more than that .. I like him. I was more than pleased to see him sitting there.

But he was not destined to be alone .. Jaella arrived. I did not know Sahli had not seen her for some time. To me they were gone ... together. Lost .. together. I did not know they had been apart. It was a thing to see .. the two of them finding each other. I felt privileged and wrong at the same time for watching. The two of them inspire me .. much like Ayguili and Mezoo. A thing of belief and hope. Rich enough with it .. you can take pieces and taste them for yourself.

Jaella is much like Cana .. in that I can talk to her and I consider her a friend. We do not have the history that Cana and I do .. but I have a lot of respect for Jaella .. she is one of the sweetest Tuchuk women that I know .. yet I am sure just like Cana you would not want to make her mad by endangering someone she cared about.

The night ended with an irritation .. but it was nothing compared to the pleasures. Seveya .. earning something she has worked so hard to achieve .. and Sahli and Jaella returning to the First Fires.

I left both of them alone .. for now. But soon I must ask them questions. They were the closest friends T'zuri had. I must know ... what they know. I hope that knowledge has not been lost to the winds.

I Have Not Found Love..Yet

2009-05-27T17:52:00.001-07:00

Cana then pressed me for my own opinions .. turning the table so to speak. She asked me if I ever felt it. I told her no .. it was not something that I felt I had a real experience with. She asked me .. had I not ever wanted something that someone had? I told her .. that no ... not yet. That it evoked in me a desire for my own. My answer was much the same as Seveya's .. but I was not the one sporting the banner of having made any solid future like decisions. I did tell Cana that I had experienced anger .. anger at someone mistreating something I valued. Something that was there's ... that I valued ... that they showed no care of. That .. could indeed make me angry.

I told Cana that I would like to experience jealousy .. at least once. To want something so bad that I did not care if I was good for it or not .. if I was supposed to have it or not ... that I wanted it so bad there was no thought ... just desire. That I would do anything and everything in my power to attain it. Something I did not want anyone else to have .. ever. Something that would be so immature and foster so much chaos in me that I might act like an unnamed .. fresh cheeked boy and sacrifice myself on the alter of pure unadulterated desire. Something .. aside from vengence. Now THAT would be an experience. It was exciting to even think about it. I wonder what would inspire that kind of feeling and unbridled emotion in me. What could crack open that chest and spill the contents? What could cause that kind of mess? Well .. I figure love ... could ... would. It is my theory.

It is my theory that love is as powerful and as chaotic and as wonderful and terrible and painful and irrational as vengence. It is my theory that love can and would break all those rules I have and bring about actions in me I have only dreamed about .. or experienced for vengence. I have seen the one .. it is my theory that there is a balance to it. It is my theory that .. for one to exist the opposite and equal power must also exist.

But that is my theory.

Cana said everyone should drink of that bitter cup at least once so they knew they did not want it in their life. I told her I was not convinced yet that I did not want it in my life. I explained .. there is a difference in my head between experiencing it ..and what you do with it. To feel a fear of losing someone .. would be like a rare and expensive gift to me. I do not know what I would do with that fear .. I do not know if I would be mature with it. But I would give about anything at all to feel it. Just once. To feel it with the same power I knew it had.

Cana asked me .. had I not ever experienced loss? Of course I have .. I have experienced my share and then some of loss. She asked me .. had I not ever felt fear of loss? For some things .. yes ... for a woman? There have been pricks of it here and there .. but no. Not the kind of fear I was talking about. Not the kind of feeling and emotion I was referring to. Not the kind I wanted to experience ... at least once .... in my lifetime. The messy kind. The immature kind. The icky-sticky-help-me-god-I-can-not-get-it-off-me ... kind. Black nasty tar that is impervious to washing ... kind. Where you are rather sure it is going to kill you but you do not care ... kind.

I want to love like that .. and I want to be loved like that. I want someone to think they are the best thing for me and fight to prove it to me. I want them to fight me .. to prove it to me. I want them to fight the Sky .. to prove it to me. No patience .. no wisdom. No examples of maturity and rational thought. And I want to feel that for someone ... I want to love someone like that. I want to love them with the same kind of power that I hate the Sky. I want to be able to rage at them .. for them. I want to be able to break them open .. to find them. Without them leaving me because I am too brutal. I want them unsatisfied with my fractured attention span. I want them to demand my attention and get through the irritation and anger that will result from their interruption. I want to be able to hurt them worse than anyone in their entire life .. and I want them to know it is because I love them. That I will inexpertly dig into them until I get them all over my hands. That I will .. love them. And it will be messy .. and horrible. And probably the best thing I have ever felt .. because it will be deep and it will splatter all over me and through me and reach those desert places and become such a part of me that it not only flows through my veins but cuts them open from the inside ... I will bleed my love.

And so will she.

At least .. that is my theory.

A Tale of Two Larls

2009-05-27T17:51:00.001-07:00

I told Cana what we were speaking of. Jealousy. She had her own opinions and examples .. she spoke of feeling jealousy over Ba'atar and losing her temper and striking a woman ... and then she told us a story. Well.. she told me ... a story. Yamka engaged Seveya in a conversation. But I wanted to hear Cana. I wanted to hear her story .. this was my subject ... the one I wanted to explore ... not anyone else's and I understood if they did not have the same drive to listen understand that I did.

Cana began with the tale of two larls. In a mortal combat. "One larl represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

Well .. there was my problem in the proverbial nutshell.

I do not have two larls. I only have one. I have only had one since that night when I was three years old. If I starve one .. I die. If I feed one ... I feed them both. I do not know how to separate them now .. .they are too much one being. They are amalgamated .. fused ... one within the other so tightly there are no longer any seams or stitches. They are one. They will always be one. It is who I am .. and who I will be.

Cana told me .. I had to figure out which one I wanted to win .. and that was the one I needed to feed. She told me the night she hit the woman .. that she had fed the wrong larl. I had to disagree .. in my opinion

.... she just hit the wrong person.

Almost the story of the Ribbon

2009-05-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

It was still. Warmth spread over the grass and small insects played in the cooler air above the stream. A wisp of breeze would now and then disturb the top of the stalks and ease over my skin.

I could hear nothing where I was. Caught in a small bubble of time and space where it was just me on the entire planet. Alone .. silent ... introspective. But it did not feel bad .. not lonely ... it felt right and I was relaxed.

I could hear everything where I was. Each tiny insect .. each stalk of grass as it rustled against another. The brush of a small white cloud as it passed over the Sky. The garrulous steam prattled on with superfluous conversation .. like chattering women. Nothing important .. nothing you felt you needed to pay attention to or comment on ... but nice to hear in the background.

Seveya arrived .. I heard her and knew her well before she came into sight. She was covered in blood .. rather attractive if I do say so. Not sure what that says about me.

She snuggled up to my right side. Did not ask. Just did. I kind of liked that. She was careful and respectful and .. just made herself comfortable. Which in turn ... made me comfortable. There was no tentative moves .. no shying ... no fear. There was no invasion .. no over stimulation ...she just eased up only so close and then settled. I never had a chance to feel it coming .. and when I realized it was there ... it was not so bad. Perhaps that is why Cana is so good at it .. she is used to dealing with beasts.

She asked me what I was thinking .. which of course scattered my thoughts like a flock of startled birds. Took me a while to gather them back together into any kind of understandable sequence. I wish I was not so defensive about such things .. I think my conversations and relationships would go much smoother. But I do not know how to change that. Or take down all the traps and snares I have laid over the years. They serve me well .. most of the time.

I tried to explain to her .. how I felt. How I felt out of touch with everyone. From the very small fact of not being able to ride .. the severity of my wounds ... it had all left me feeling disconnected and far away from my family and friends. I was coming back .. but it was slow. We spoke of my wounds .. because they were an obvious subject matter and seemed connected to most of my reality lately. I told her I did not fight in the Love Wars .. she guessed from there it had something to do with revenge. She surprised me .. her deductions were very well thought out and backed up with what she had fairly learned of me so far.

We spoke of when I was Ubar .. my shift in thoughts towards dwellers and their ways. My historic tolerance .. if not appreciation. Though that was indeed .. history. These days I was not so tolerant. These days I was not so ready to listen and glean. These days ... a good dweller was a dead one. And I seemed more than willing to give Fate and Destiny a helping hand in moving things along towards that end.

This hatred .. I could not explain completely. It is not an easy thing to admit .. intolerance and such raging hatred speaks of a fear ... a weakness of some kind. I do not deal so maturely with my own fears ... especially when I have no idea what it is exactly that fuels them. Perhaps I rage more out of my own impotence with understanding than I do out of any true feeling towards dwellers. But I can not answer that for sure .. not without the knowledge I need. Not without the knowledge that I tore apart and spread all over that alley between the merchant tents.

huh

I need to learn tolerance .. at least long enough to get a few answers. You would think with my training .. I would be better at that.

She asked me if I was relieved .. that I lived. I told her of course I was .. I have no wish to die. Thinking back on it now I suppose she might be referring to the other day when I said something out loud that was supposed to remain a thought in my head .. how I wished I had died like her brother had. But that is different. To never know .. what I know ... that would be a gift. But knowing ... I have no wish to cease. I breathe .. I live ... and I will never stop seeking my next breath. If only because I wish to throw it right back in the face of the Sky.

My irreverence knows no bounds.

She seemed relieved I .. wanted to live. She mentioned all the things she wanted to "do" yet .. "us" to do. I asked her .. what if there was no "us" ... what would she say? Would she still want me to live? Would she still want to talk to me. Where was her motive in who she was to me? Was she only here .. with me ... because she wanted me. Or was it more? Did she actually like me .. enough that it did not matter what our future held .. would she still talk to me because we shared something good and comfortable. I can not act as if my feelings are involved .. I barely have feelings ... and when I do I keep them rather locked up. The only feeling allowed any kind of rein is anger. And anger protects me. Anger is my friend .. anger was with me through it all and anger has given me the will and way to survive. Anger is my strongest ally. You can not get to me without making friends with it. It is my guardian .. my beast and I keep it well fed and strong.

But she committed herself .. completely. I asked her how she could do that ... it seemed an illogical risky business to me. I wanted to understand it .. and her. I wanted to know both the theory and how it connected to her personally. There is only one way I know to understand .. cut it open and examine it. Strip it of all its skin and see what makes it live and breathe and how all its functions are connected. I tried to explain to her that .. she had not tempted my anger yet ... not "that" anger. Anger helps me understand how I feel. It connects me to that little chest of emotions that I try so hard not to open. I told her .. she was so easy to talk to I did not know if I thought of her like my sister ... or something more. Women are not always easy for me to talk to .. I can count on one hand those who are. Cana being one of them. Was Seveya destined to be .. as Cana was? My friend and sometimes confidant? Or was that one of the pieces I needed to fit into the woman I would spend the rest of my life with? The ability to be a friend .. and more.

I think too much.

She said she hoped that I would at least kiss her before I came to that conclusion. I do not now where the motive was for saying that to me .. but it made me feel better. Her honestly is a little startling and I like it. It .. made me feel more comfortable with her. Talking to her. She was listening .. but not letting my own confusion cloud her brain too much. That is priceless ... to me. To have someone I can say most anything to and they do not overreact with the content .. but listen even when they do not like what I am proposing. Half the time I am not proposing anything solid .. just thoughts. Weighing things. Learning about them. Setting them all on a table and picking through them. Seveya seemed to have the ability to do that with me.

I asked her if she was going to be patient with me and quiet .. a good little girl ... while I tried to figure it all out. I was curious .. you see. Silken and Asria are quite content to wait for me to figure it out ... on the other side of the Harigga. Have they not seen me misplace people on a regular basis? They simply fall off the edge of the earth. Which of course is my fault. And I know this. I have enough hindsight to be able to calculate and deduct a few obvious things. There is a piece of me that appears to be missing. The peace that "knows" how I feel about a woman. The piece that would allow me to .. seek ... a woman. The piece that most women seem to assume I have and then get quietly disillusioned when I do not produce it. I am not in any hurry ... they seem to be on some kind of biological time clock and it ticks away in their ear louder than anything I seem to be able to convey to them. Do other men do this for them? Do they have this missing piece? Half the time I do not even realize I have dropped the bola mid swing until it is too late. The other half of the time I am rebelling against presumptions and assumptions because I am an arrogant egotistical irreverent asshole and as soon as someone tells me what I have to do I dig in my heels and prove that I do not. Stubborn. I am sure there are more adjectives ... I have heard a few less flattering ones.

She asked me how people could figure out what they wanted from me .. how they felt about me ... without me. I told her .. I was not sure. But they sure seemed to be able to. Obviously they learned enough in their cursory examination to .. know the best thing for them was to move on. How could I fault them for that? I had no desire to make a woman miserable. Well .. not in my right mind anyway. There were times ... but that was off subject.

I told her .. it was most likely my fault. She seemed surprised by this ... I explained that no woman wants to be in a relationship by themselves and ... so often that is how it felt when dealing with me. It takes me .. forever ... to get to the point where the work of a relationship even occurs to me and by then ... there is not much to work on. I told her .. I was not much of a partner in what I had experienced. I knew this ... chances wasted. Though a few of them .. broke the rules. Those I had not wasted .. those I had walked away from with the blade of unforgiveness still dripping with their blood. I may not always know what I want .. but I have a rather firm grasp on what I do not want.

She told me she was glad they were all gone .. the ones through the years. I had to chuckle .. her honesty again. Could she still feel that way when she experienced what I was talking about? Could she weather it? Could she see through it and pick up the belief and faith I was always dropping along the way? We spoke of T'zuri ... of her courageous standing in the face of the wind of my carelessness .. my lack of direction. I asked her if she was jealous.

She told me jealousy was a useless emotion. Well .. there are ways of looking at it and then there are ... ways. I can argue either point and I wanted to test her theory and see how well it held water. Did she know what she spoke of? Had she ever .. wanted ... really wanted something that someone else had. Had she ever known the fear of loss .. to the point of acting irrationally? If I only knew that this conversation was a painful portent of things to come. But I was an oblivious Spex .. as I usually am when it has to do with me. Unless I am predicting that a woman will move on without ever getting to know me despite their proclamations to the contrary. I nail that one dead center.

So I asked her .. if she would handle it so maturely ... side step the possibly dirty emotion of jealousy .. if I were to take another woman as a mate. It was theory .. I have no intentions ... no one is in that position with me. This is all about me seeking to understand how her feelings work .. define them in ways I can understand where they stop and where they end. Where they are mature and where they start acting like real feelings. I do not find feelings mature .. I find the rein of logic and rules to be mature. Feelings? Not so much.

She gave me a dance step .. told me we were talking about jealousy ... not heartache. So I stepped right with her and asked her to explain heartache and the difference. She told me that if I mated another woman it would mean that she made me happier and she would be heartbroken .. and at the same time be happy for me and my happiness. I .. asked her ... really?

So .. that meant she thought there was a woman out there that would make me happier than she could? Did she really believe that?

Danger

She told me she did not believe it there was a woman who could make me happier than she could.

Nice save.

Then she told me .. that if I took another woman as my mate it would not matter how she felt .. because I would all ready have her as .. my mate.

huh

Seveya is unwilling to play with me in the little sandbox of .. what if. I never got a chance to press her further because Cana arrived and the entire subject became much more generic .. rather than pointedly directed at Seveya. But .. I was aware she side stepped that one. I am not sure if she did it because she refuses to even think about it ..

...or if she does not like her own answers.

This is .. Love?

2009-05-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am a man.

That being said I seem to be thinking about the differences .. between men and women ... a lot lately. Between the Love Wars and my own personal life .. I seem to be mulling over my own preferences .. my reasons for liking or disliking ... contemplating the way that fits with another person. What attracts me .. what obviously does not. What I seek and look for ... what may or may not inspire me.

And in this case .. the case of me ... thoughts like this with main lined introspection .. usually take a while. But eventually I will get around to fine tuning .. honing my own preferences until I have a relatively good idea.

In regards to Asria I have come to the conclusion that .. I do not like being treated as I have been. The punctuation on that sentence is audible.

I do not like being ignored .. I do not like people being there .. being willing to be in my presence ... and ignoring me. It hurts me. I do not like being hurt ... I tend to avoid it. I get very motivated to avoid it.

After the ludicrousness of defending Asria .. the way Asria was brought up and kept by Trayu ... to Cana Tarra and Kaeli ... when all I wished to do was vent about Asria and the way she treated me ... I shut down a little. I do not want to have to tell people all the good things about Asria when I am angry with her for hurting me. It was ironic and disturbing to my psyche. I want my friends to pat me on the head and tell me it is all going to be all right and to tend my little wounds and make me feel better ... not worse. I just wanted a cookie and a cup of milk .. not a philosophical discussion on the merits of independence and whether or not there is only one definition for independence or if the very essence of the word .. independence ... means being one's own and not conforming to the majority just because it is the majority. You can not make someone more independent by forcing them to conform. Independence .. the core of that ... is self defined. If Asria changed her mind about how she wished to define it .. that was different. If Cana and Tarra and Kaeli could convince her to think as they did ... that was different. But to force someone to believe in the definition ... was the epitome of waste. Why trim away what makes a person independent? To make them .. independent? Where is my cookie?

I did not want to talk about the pros and cons of preferences in men for women. I did not want to have to tell them that I find the way Asria was brought up attractive. That as a man I am drawn to a woman that needs me. Even for so simple a thing as to grease an axle. I did not want to have to expound on the fact that I look for ways that help define me as a man .. that make me feel important and needed and Asria does that. I did not want to have to remind them that just because I found that part of her attractive it did not mean I found them any less attractive. That I find many different women attractive for different reasons. I did not want to tell them all those things when Asria had done something else that negated all that and made it moot. And yet .. I had to because I will not be a hypocrite and I will not break the rules. Even when I think they are stupid and inconvenient and they ... hurt me.

That is the man that I am.

So it was a much more quiet mood .. a much more introspective mood ... a much kinder mood that Asria found me in the next morning.

Not that it helped any.

She approached me as I sat on the steps .. I have been learning to do things one handed again .. my arm at least has been released from the wrappings but I still am not using it much yet. She smiled .. it did not reach her eyes ... and she told me good morning. I told her Tal. She stated that I was upset with her yesterday. I asked her if she was telling me that or asking me? Was I supposed to comment on it or answer it?

"It wears me down how everything I say you turn around on me like that Fonce. You seemed very annoyed with me when I left yesterday. May I explain why I was so quiet?"

Everything she says I turn around? By asking her what she meant? What she sought by that from me? I felt defeated from that moment on. I felt .. just by being me I was wearing her down. I felt .. as I have felt with most everyone for my entire life. That I was not good for her. And in turn .. she was not good for me.

I tried to tell her that .. I tried to tell her she could tell me ... explain to me anything she wished but that if she kept telling me over and over and over again I was not good for her that .. I only knew one way to fix that.

I am tired of women telling me to stop .. being me. At some point .. I can not change any more .. at some point ... I can only be ... me.

She tried to tell me how upset she was .. how thoughts of Trayu had been on her mind ... I will not come in second to a ghost. Not for her or T'zuri or anyone else. She tired to tell me how terrible .. again ... it was that I switch guardianship. How I uprooted and made her feel vulnerable. Where was the trust .. where was that "love" she had spoken of? There was none. It did not exist. All that existed was the need to make me realize how bad I was .. while telling me not to feel bad. Asking me what had happened that made it so she could not talk to me.

huh

She told me that is why she did not speak to me at the stream. Because she saw I was happy and did not want to ruin it. I told her if that is what she saw she could just .. go away. Should .. go away. If she saw that another woman made me happier and that caused her to ignore me .. I did not want a damn thing to do with her. If that is how she problem solved .. she could fuck off. Better to know her defeatist attitude now .. better to know she would prefer to walk away from me than be motivated to make me happy ... now.

I told her to go away. I told her I would have no patience with her insecurities and doubts. I told her I spread those kinds of wounds open and pour salt in them. It was .. is ... what I do.

Instead of realizing I was teaching her something .. instead of listening to me. She asked me why I kept telling her she did not know me but when she tried to know me I did "this". I told her strait up .. "you should not treat me like you did yesterday". I asked what exactly I was not making clear .. what did she wish to know? I told her if "this" was a problem though she needed to be very clear on one thing ... "this ... was me. Is me. It is my identity .. it is what I do ... it is how I handle things. I told her it offended me she did not appreciate it more.

And then .. she really started to frustrate me.

She told me she did not want to ruin my day. She said .. "You were happy Fonce, even if.. your happiness is not at my side I still have no desire to take it from you."

Who taught her that boskshit? What complete moron ever gave her the idea that was .. all right? What romantic drivel has she been listening to? Does she really believe that is how it works in the real world? Does she really believe that is how it works with .. me? I have never heard anything so stupid in my entire life. And I have heard some stupid shit. Did she honestly for a moment think that I would be plied with such pathetic platitudes? That such a weak shortsighted passive aggressive statement would not infuriate me?

I told her to go away.

I told her if she thought I needed her to ignore me and drag Lei away from me for my own happiness .. she really needed to go away. To stay away. To stay as far away from me as possible.

Then she told me how unpleasant and mean I was.

me

unpleasant and mean

me?

Then ... then she tells me how much she wants to walk away but can not. How much she wishes to turn off how she feels but she can not. That she wants .. things. I told her I did not believe her. She makes no sense to me. She wants those things from me but she is more than willing to dangle them .. then jerk them away at any given moment for my own good? Ignoring me .. jerking Lei away from the stream .. from me ... because I made the mistake of looking happy.

Sky forgive me. I seem to have committed an unpardonable sin .. zot me now.

The Sky is silent

figures

I told her if she was not strong enough to make the decision to stay away from me .. I could make it for her. I was capable of making the hard decisions ... I am good at it. Remember?

She told me that is not what she wanted. That she was not leaving.

Why now? Why would she "not leave" yesterday? What changed? Why is it all right to plague me now .. and not yesterday? Because I was not looking particularly happy when she saw me sitting on the steps? Should I make sure I am not looking happy .. if I wish her to be there?

This is where I lost it. My brain was tied up in so many knots and I could no longer keep the angry hurt side from mixing up with the analytical logical side and it all swirled together .. and I lost my mind. I think it swirled counter clockwise and just .. vanished. There is a hole in the keg .. and the paga is all gone.

I love you Fonce so why are you not the man I want you to be?

huh

You are unpleasant and mean and why do you hurt me so much when all I do is love you for making me happy?

huh

If I see you happy that entitles me to hurt you and make you miserable and to take myself and anyone I control that I know you love and .. leave.

figures

I knew .. I was losing it. I knew .. in a distant kind of way ... that I needed to walk away. I told her .. if she wanted me to believe the parts she said about how much she liked .. or loved ... or wanted to be near me. She better fucking look happy the next time I saw her. I told her to have something good to say about me .. or just walk away. Stay away. I heard her tell me she would not do so. But I no longer believe her.

And if this is love .. I wash my hands of it.

To Be Independent

2009-05-23T17:43:00.000-07:00

.. does not mean to conform

"I grant you religious freedom .. you are now free to worship ... me. Or die. You are free to choose. So much freedom .. you lucky bastards! You are now even *free to .. jubilantly revel .. and bask.

*There is no charge for basking. Small charge for reveling ... bigger charge if you do it jubilantly. Stop jubilantly reveling if you experience any rectal bleeding and consult a doctor if you feel free for more than four hours."

-yes .. that was me

Separation Anxiety

2009-05-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

I Am

I stand in the middle .. far above and far beneath. Here I am safe .. my strength is great and I can protect. I can breathe. Here I exist.

I Am

Yet now you course through my veins with razor's edge lancing my apathy and releasing all my carefully secured emotions and they bleed from me like scarlet tears ... crimson ribbons of intensity that fall away from me. I can not find a place to put them all ... I keep trying to scrape them up off the slick wet floor and put them back .. back where they belong. They are chaos .. and I am ... order.

I Am

Your Beautiful poison breaks from my skin like festering boils of desire and longing and I do not know what to do with the puss that leaks from my pours .. the empty feeling inside as the pressure flows and my flesh cools in a sensation I am lulled by ... soothed by .... addicted to .. even as I know how much it is changing who I am ... forever.

I Am

You can not understand. You can not know what it does to me to come down here .. where you are. The mortality weighs on my bones like slabs of stone. I am half the man .. I am weaker ... I am human. Do you not realize how long it took me to climb to where I was? In my attempts to find you? Where you lived up there .. above me. Only to realize that you .. have gone down there. Down there where the fetid air sucks out the marrow of my bones and I am cracked .. and broken.

I Am

I have followed you .. down there. Down here. And I can not breathe .. the tears of sorrow do not spread across my tongue in sadistically savored sweetness... they wet my cheeks and I succumb to the gut wrenching sobs that take who I am as a man and splatter it across the room in uncontrolled rage ... my abdominal muscles clenching on emptiness. The spasms strong enough to fracture my hollow skeleton.

I Am

What is it you see down here? What is it that draws you to these places of empty hope .. lost faith ... and forgotten love? How does Beauty belong here? How can you survive? I can not protect you here .. I am ... too weak. Here I am a mistake .. fallible. My wings clawed from my back so that I can not fly .. the earth bound misfit ... I fall in a spiral to once more feel my feet upon this cursed soil. I am marked and they remember me here .. and I am the Unforgiven. They seek me .. with cold and clammy fingers... for all I have done and they mean to take it in measure for my sins. And yet .. here you are ... among them. Why? Why do you fall so far .. for them.

I Am

I am the soldier .. I am the warrior. I am the Watchman ... I am .....

I Am

I have fought my way above. No peace. I have slaughtered and laid waste. I have taken victory from their mouths. I have taken and not given back. I have destroyed lives and scattered energies to be where I stand .. it was all done for you. All of it. All that I am .. for you .... all that

I Am

And yet you bring me back .. here. Why? Why do you subject me to such a cruel fate as this? Why do you break down my walls and breech what I have girded. Why do you infuse me with weakness .. when I am all that stands between you and certain death? Why have you reduced your champion to such depths of impotence? Why have you blinded your Watchman.. bound your guardian ... and set the coal to the lips of your arbiter? Am I not the one? The one who stood by you? Who sacrificed all that ..

I Am

If I could just have one suckle of breath .. before I forget what I worked so hard to attain. If I could just see clearly .. for a moment before it all goes black again. If I could just know peace .. before the cacophony screams for my attention. If I could just remember .. order ... before the chaos pulls me under and I give you all that ..

I Am

©2009 Written in Desperation to Understand .. Beauty

Please Help Me Mend

2009-05-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

.. my broken heart

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived.

*System of a Down

One thing that had weighed heavily on me while I lay staring at the hole in the top of Ogedaii's wagon .. was the last time I had spoken to Asria. The harsh words .. the violence in me towards her. It bothered me. I do not want to revisit the mistakes I made with Leonette. I do not want to be .. that man. One of the first things I did when I realized I was going to live .. was talk to Ayguili about taking over Asria's guardianship. I did not speak to her about it first. I did not have the strength to deal with her .. I did not have the strength yet to have her rage at me over it. I just wanted to know she would be .. protected and all right. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I got that loose end tied up. When I knew it was done and I knew she would be safe and taken care of and .. there was one more step between her and my temper.

An Ubar kind of step .. a step I would respect.

It was not just for her .. it was for Lei. I could not be that man to Lei through Asria. I could not expose that part of me to her. I would never do that. And yet I am very aware that despite the fact I say I could not or would not do things .. I do. Not that my wrath has ever been visited on a child .. but Asria has tempted me .. more than once. I can not allow that. I must take care of both of them.

I knew she would not be happy with me .. but I did expect her to know ... to realize that I would not do something like this unless it was for her good. That I do not take my responsibilities lightly .. that I labor over decisions like this. I expected her to know me well enough to know that .. I expected someone who told me they knew me well enough to love me ... to know that. I never dreamed .. and I can dream some shit ... that she would use Lei against me. That she would use Lei to hurt me. I must have hurt her .. badly ... for her to be able to do that. But how could I have hurt her so terribly? Did she not know me? Did she not understand me enough to love me?

ZOT

huh

She said so .. she said she loved me ... I no longer believe her.

And I was not even running around cursing the Sky. Just a case of "teach Fonce a lesson on general purposes" I suppose. It would really help if I had some fucking clue what the lesson was so I could learn it all ready. This one I would actually like to learn. I would really like to figure out how not to get sucker punched for it.

I actually made my way to the Fires that night. It had only been a few days but it felt like years to me. I had lived a few lifetimes on the floor of that wagon. It was good to see everyone .. but highly over stimulating. I had trouble keeping up with all the things said to me at once. So many ... it felt good but very confusing. I am sure I missed half of what was said to me. I hope I did not hurt anyone's feelings .. I hope they realized I was a little out of it.

Asria was hell bent on speaking to me. I was not up for it .. but I had to be. I understood ... or at least I thought I did. I know now I did not have a fucking clue. Which I should by now .. know that I do not. I should just assume too presume that I am not in the "know" ... ever.

She opened with Lei .. with what I had done to her. What the child thought about me .. and what she had to say about me. Each thing ripped my heart apart .. tore it asunder ... and left me cold and dead. I told her .. I hoped Lei would speak to me about those feelings. Then she told me she would not allow Lei to do so. She would not allow me to break her heart any more than I had all ready done. She said .. she could not trust me ... to speak to Lei.

I would swear to you there were audible clicks as the doors and walls fell into place. There was nothing .. is nothing ... Asria could have said or would try to say after that ... that could or would reach me ... or impact me in any way. That part of me is dead .. bloated and ... gone.

And today I think is the loneliest day of my life.

If she was going to cheat with Lei .. why did not she not send Lei first .. knowing I would never hurt that child. Knowing that if anyone could get anything out of me .. it was Lei. Lei could have asked me anything ... anything at all and I would have given it to her. Lei could have raged at me and never tempted my temper.

Where had all this anger come from? Where had this hurt come from? Why could she just not ask me what I meant before she went off on me? Before she took something so precious from me and told me it was because I was such a .. terrible man. How could she feel that much hurt from me when I did not even do anything to her .. yet. When everything I did .. I did because I am the man I am. I have come to the conclusion that women who get so angry .. so easy ... who feel I hurt them by being me ... so easily and have a temper about it without even talking to me first to find out my thoughts .. my intentions ... my feelings .... are just not for me. I am a man .. and on top of that I am a man not always easy to understand or follow my intentions or feelings. I know this .. I have learned this through experience after experience. I know by now I need someone who will believe the best of me despite what it looks like on the surface. I need someone to have a little faith that I do not hurt the people I care for on purpose. Ever. Not like that. I am not so careless with my words or my decisions. If they are so quick to see hurt in me when I mean the best .. what will happen when I actually do something I need to apologize for? Do they not realize that to falsely accuse me .. to see wrong where there was no wrong ... I have no patience with? To take a misunderstanding and go so far with it .. tells me there is no hope for the fact that I am human and actually make mistakes on top of everything else. Really fucking big mistakes. If I needed any more evidence that I had made the right decision in switching the guardianship .. I had it right before me delivered on a silver platter.

Later at the fires .. Asria had come to the conclusion that Lei should talk to me. I did not feel it .. I did believe in it any more. Cana and Ayguili told Asria to wait .. to send Lei. I was standing right there .. Asria was the only person that even addressed me about it and whether or not I wanted it. I simply told her that Lei would find me when she was ready. I had no more faith. And all that was compounded by the fact that .. Cana and Ayguili both tried to protect Lei from me .. and my temper ... because I was wounded. Perhaps it was to protect me from Lei .. either way ... it spelled much the same thing to me at that point.

Despite what people "think" is going on I need someone to look deeper .. to see more ... to believe in me.

Because I have trouble believing in myself.

And today .. is the loneliest day of my life.

The Most Powerful Force

2009-05-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

So there I was miserably lamenting my lack of inspiration.

ZOT

Leave it to the Sky to help me out with that.

Lightning meet Fonce's copper lance. Well met .. but do you think we could stop meeting like this?

And there was not even a beautiful woman promising great reluctant pleasure.

huh .. figures

I was standing at the stake looking across at Cream .. who was not bad to look at actually. Standing near .. some Turian I do not remember her name. Not bad to look at .. but certainly did not inspire great deeds in me. In fact .. the way her stake was decorated got more attention from me than she did. I found it odd and intriguing at the same time. I had never seen a stake decorated like that .. and then ... someone got my attention.

It was not a woman.

No indeed .. it was a man. Could have been Turian .. he was dark like a Turian but dressed like an Arian. It was the way he was dressed that drew my attention at first .. then I recognized him. Which is using that word "recognize" far too loosely. I knew him .. but I did not know how I knew him. I knew I did not like him .. I knew I recognized him from the three years I was missing .. but I did not know why. I did not know where .. or how. I simply knew .. him. And everything I knew made me very ... very angry.

I had just been speaking to Seveya about the idea of revenge. How powerful .. vengeance ... can be. I left the stake .. and followed him. There was no other thought in my mind. There was not anyone or anything that would have gotten in my way. There is no voice or reason or logic that I would have listened to. I would have cut down .. destroyed ... anyone who even tried to get in my way. Anyone.

There was only .. him. There was only .. what I was going to do to him. There was only ... the answers I wanted from him. There was only ... anger. Anger flavored by every other negative emotion and it built up in me like a raging flood and reached every part of my brain and will .. tainting it ... taking it over and using it to get what I wanted. Him.

It must have been written all over my face. Tao and Ogedaii fell in behind me .. I did not see them. I did not know they were there. The only reason I know now is that I was told. No one else seemed to notice .. only that I was not around. No one else saw the intense hatred as I left .. no one realized how intent I was. No one but Ogedaii and Tao. Fucking little observant Tuchuks. I want to kick both their asses .. yet I am faced with the fact they saved my life. Again.

figures

There were three of them .. at some point the man must have realized I was following him .. I was not making any large secret of the fact I was. I was going to kill him and I did not care who knew. Especially him. Seemed fair enough .. for him to know his end was near. He led me right into two others .. around the corner of a merchant stall .. they were waiting for me. I still did not care .. went strait for the man I knew .. and he came strait for me. I know I would have died .. I know I was not in my right mind and in no shape to take on three at once .. not as angry as I was. Not as hell bent on revenge .. as I was. Tao and Ogedaii saved my life .. then ... and later.

I do not remember most of the fight .. but unlike Serge ... there was only one death in my focus ... no one else's. When it was over .. he was dead. Dead several times if Ogedaii and Tao are correct in the retelling of it. Seems I wanted to make sure .. and sure ... and then sure some more. Which .. is not really what I wanted. Not in entirety. I wanted some answers .. but I could not see through my own anger long enough to get them. I could not stop .. the desire to kill ... enough to give me what I actually really wanted. Which was some idea .. some trail of clues ... something to start me on my way to understanding and knowing about those three years. I had lost an awful lot here in the Tuchuk .. in my life .. for those three years. Someone .. owed me ... a lot. I meant to collect. I collected all over this man .. but I never got my answers.

I remember .. that I killed him. I remember .. that I was sure he killed me. I felt it. I know the injury .. I have seen it happen enough times. It was not the shoulder .. it was not my leg ... the one that I thought did me in. It was the one right through my stomach. I have seen men die of gut wounds. They live for hours .. sometimes days. But the end is inevitable.

When I woke in Ogedaii's wagon .. I was a little surprised to be alive still .. but not hopeful that I would remain so. Ogedaii and Tao .. with my directive ... stole medical supplies from some of the supply wagons. I have no idea from whom .. or where. I did not want anyone to know where I was .. how bad I was. I wanted to wait and find out if I was going to live. But Ogedaii's bitch seemed to know what she was doing. She is a lot nicer .. than she used to be. Ogedaii seems to have ... touched her.

By the look of her .. he touches her a lot.

But she knows her healing ways .. she said she was a Healer with the Kataii before she was stolen and bought by the traveling entertainers. The ones that dressed her up as if she was a cannibal from the jungle .. simply because of the darkness of her skin. She told me the red ribbon saved my life. That it had caught and the blade had shoved it through my guts .. instead of slicing through them. Though she made me drink the nastiest concoction smelling of peppermint .. or some kind of mint. She told me it would tell her .. things. She could have been a Spex .. or a Black Mask. At the time it could have gone either way for me. Healing .. torture.

I spent a lot of time with the bitch in Ogedaii's wagon. I had a lot of time to think about things. About death. I had no idea if I would live through the next couple of days. I doubted it in fact. I thought a lot about Silken and Asria and Seveya. About those in my care .. about those that depended on me. About those I cared about. About those I missed. All those .. before death thoughts ... that usually we do not have time to think about. And I seemed to have all the time in the world just for that. I put everything in order .. in my head. I gave Ogedaii and Tao all the instructions .. in case I died. Told them messages for each person. What to do with all my possessions .. slaves ... bosk ... wagons ... stuff. And then I .. waited ... to die.

About the third day I realized I was going to live.

figures

Plains of a Thousand Stakes

2009-05-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

The Love Wars. They have never been a thing of high interest for me. Obviously since I have rarely spoken about them or told stories of them. They simply are. They are .. like hunting down tabuk is. Or slaughtering a bosk .. is. It ... just is. They ... just are.

I know why they exist. I think of them as a War to make Peace. It is a logical and precise way of taming the chaos and meeting Turia with skill and force and ... both of us survive. War is not an exact science. It is not something to rely on or to count on. It can leave you vulnerable and with the luck of the wind ... can leave you dead. So .. I see this is a great way to reduce the overall destruction and still retain that show of force so needed in maintaining any sort of peace. At least with warring sorts of men .. which we are. And besides .. the prizes could not be any lovelier. Though I have yet to meet a prize that I did not sell or give away. Obviously I have won several since I am still alive. And yet the women involved did not register for long on my conscious. At least after I raped them and got to the part where I tried to talk to them. Obviously .. the talking part was not interesting enough to remember well.

I do not know if it was the intense conversation that lasted most of the day with Seveya .. or if I was just not in the mood. But none of the women attracted me at the stakes .. not one. I usually do not have trouble finding something .. someone to fight for. Some bit of female flesh that tempts me and brings out that testosterone fueled instinct to kill and win and take for my own. Yet .. I could not. Nothing inspired me. Was this some kind of apathetic backlash from the emotional twisting I had just experienced? Was there actually not one Turian bit of virginity that could tempt me as a man to lift weapon in hand and test my strength and will upon another? Usually that appealed to me so .. easily. Not this day. I was .. uninspired. More than usual. Surely some sort of teasing .. a bit of flesh ... when was I not in the mood to rape some girl for the sake of rape ... emotions be damned? Most times such an easy sell for me. Most men. And yet .. nothing. Not one of them did I want to fuck .. let alone fight to fuck. Were the Turian women so .. lacking inspiration ... or was it me?

Where was my support in the entire process of the Love Wars? Where was my patriotism ... my Tuchuk spirit. The hoorah .. the slapping of lance against my shield. The building of blood in the vein until it sings of glory and honor .. pounding in my skull.

I felt nothing. I walked the entire line of stakes .. that takes a while. Still ... nothing.

I was going to need a lot of paga tonight. Somewhere I had to find that spirit in me that would not only ensure my participation in something I believed in but ... would also ensure that I might survive it.

Survival .. was rather high on my list of things to do.

I think.

Something Very Wrong

2009-05-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

I have a problem that I cannot explain,
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,
I lack the reason why I should be so confused

I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I, don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you

*System of a Down

Looking back on the rest of the afternoon with Seveya .. if I had to pluck from it the most impacting thought .. the most important part ... I would have to choose the vacillation I was doing between my thoughts of her as a friend .. or as something more. I am perfectly aware she wants something more from me than friendship. How? She told me so. Kudos to her for giving me a heads up and not making me wander around in some oblivious state until it was too late. Which has happened to me more times than not. But it means nothing to me .. those words. Other than I can be aware of what she wants. It does not mean I feel that way .. or that I know even how I feel. Most of the time I never get to figure that part out.

I have easy conversation with Seveya. She does not push me too hard .. she does not dig into me too deeply. We share things as friends. Much like when Cana and I talk. We respect boundaries and are aware of each others softer spots and avoid them like quicksand. But we have a lot of conversation. A lot gets shared .. I like that. I like that it is easy and flows and there is no anger.

There is no anger.

That .. is a problem. Now most would assume that was a good thing. Most would think they were on the right track with me and feel good about the part where they had not pissed me off. Which .. in some ways that is true enough. This is most certainly not a dissertation on the benefits of pissing off Fonce. Hardly so. It really is not a good idea and I highly recommend .. not ... doing so. Yet ... people inevitably do. It is a part of life I have come to recognize as normal and expected. It is a sign to me that I feel. That I have feelings. Without it .. I am unsure. I am at a loss for how I feel. I can not find my emotions .. my feelings ... without going through the door of anger.

Now Cana has frustrated me .. disappointed me. And I am sure that goes both ways. In the course of our friendship there have been misunderstandings and growth. All very normal. It is how it works .. when it works. But Cana and I remain very respectful to the deep down hidden parts of each other. We side step them. We are friends.

In my attempts to define this relationship with Seveya and what it means to me .. I have come to the conclusion that Seveya and I are friends. We treat each other almost the same way as Cana and I do. The difference is that I will slice and cut Seveya .. where I will not Cana. Why? Because I am seeking to know if this thing with Seveya is something more than friendship. I take her opinion .. her desire ... seriously. And I wish to have an answer for her. Does it all seem analytical and logical? Well that would be because it is. I do not trust emotions. They lie cheat steal and in most ways fail me in being reliable. So I must base my relationships on something more than emotion. I must make logical decisions based on my attempts at analyzing. I must pick things apart .. turn them inside out and look at them upside down. I must know things .. I must base my decision on all that I know and all that I surmise to be true above and beyond what I may or may not feel.

I tried to feel .. I tried to force her to make me feel. I tried everything. I plied her with questions .. I attacked her with questions. I touched her .. I forced her to touch me. Nothing that would go beyond .. cross a boundary ... or be something that would devalue her in any man's eyes. And nothing that would sabotage a relationship with her. Which was a great big step on my part

.. I am not always so mature.

Just enough to ... push. To incite. To get a rise. But she is placid. Still waters. She does not ... well I do not know. I can not place her. I can not .. figure it out. I can not figure out why I am not angry. I can not figure out why she is not ... something. She is not dead .. her affect changes ... she responds to my touch ... to my digging around in her head. But she responds as if I tossed a pebble into mud. Instead of clear water.

Her ways .. her answers. Are so mature and well thought out. They are .. as if someone gave her all the answers as to how things were supposed to work. What things young women were supposed to say. She does not get them wrong ... any of them. Which .. is a huge danger sign to me. I do not believe anyone is really that perfect and mature. I do not believe anyone knows all the right answers when they are feeling deeply. I do not believe that anyone can be that wise when they are lost in emotions.

I know at least ... that I am not.

I tried to tell her all these things. I tried to explain it all. I have never tried so hard to make someone understand. Perhaps it was just another tactic to push and pull .. to act and get reactions. I do not know .. I was lost in the entire thing. I tried to tell her .. that I lose myself. That I get lost in myself ... consequently I lose people. I do not realize that I am doing it .. I simply look up one day and realize ... they are gone. And rightly so .. I do not blame them for getting tired of waiting around for me to wander back from where ever I have been inside my head. I do not expect someone to be there .. after that. I just want someone to understand .. at least once ... what it looks like from this end. What it feels like .. the continued loss .. time after time. There is always .. loss ... and no one to blame but myself.

I do not know if Seveya is too much like me. I do not know if she will get as lost as I do. What then? We go through life being perfectly happy being .. lost? That does not sound functional. Even if it is rather functional in its dysfunction. I do not wish to settle for such a thing. I do not wish to settle for the crutch .. when I think it is possible to run and jump on both of my legs. I just have to figure out how.

Now and then that day I would push her hard enough that I would feel something in return .. some resistance ... something that let me know she was there on the other end shoving back. Other times I would push and .. the energy would simply pass from me and .. go to what or where ... I have no idea. Like throwing a punch into water. She would simply wrap and fold and move around the force as if I had no power. But that is not what I want .. it is not what I need. And it makes me want to put her on a shelf somewhere ... a pedestal ... and keep her safe. Keep her as my friend .. as a sister. As someone to protect and not dig my fingers into .. gutting on the sharp desires that rest so alive and ready on the tips of my touch.

It was one of those times .. when she was being sweet and cute and giving and mature and ... perfect ... that I lost it. I took her by her arms and shook her like a rag doll and I demanded that she stop. Just stop it. Stop having all the precise and right answers and stop being so .. right ... just ... stop. I could not see .. my world went black and I just wanted her to stop ... for a moment. It was wrong .. all of it. It is not so .. easy ... it is not ... so ...

I felt the warmth of blood as it started down my face from my nose .. I heard her say my name ... I came back .. slowly. I thought for a moment I had hurt her... that I had done something terrible. But she was insisted she was all right ... she even wiped at my face with the sleeve of her tunic. If she wanted me to think of her as something other than my sister she needs to stop doing that .. but ... the ludicrousness of it all got to me and I saw the humor and I started to chuckle.

I needed to go put my head together for the Love Wars. I needed to go and think .. to drag my wounded carcass into a hole somewhere and figure out how to put my brain back together into some semblance of normalcy. I was just leaving her when she took one of the red ribbons from her hair and she handed it to me .. told me to bring it back to her. It was an endearing gesture. It was something I could hold in my hand and understand and it touched me ... even as I was still reeling from all the other things I could not grasp or understand. I tucked the ribbon into my belt and I left her there by the edge of the stream.

And I still do not know what I feel .. how I feel ... about Seveya.

Do You Have a Place .. Like That

2009-05-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

There I was .. sitting on the steps again. Pondering the existentialism of blackwine .. all alone ... in the big wide universe.

Probably because I had been drinking paga most of the night before. But that is just a quick assumption without any facts to give my theory backbone.

Seveya was watched as she approached. Said approach was very slow and painful .. she looked like she had been run over by a kaiila. Which is pretty much what had happened when she had tried to ride the unbroken beast .. though she had ridden it ... the result was much the same as getting run over. I told her to come sit by me. Which was odd. Odd because I rarely tell free women what to do and even more rare do I tell them to come any closer. In this case Seveya appeared safe enough .. and I wanted to understand a few things. At least that was my intention.

It took her a while to make her way from the fire to the steps. Even longer to settle on them. As she did she asked me how I was and I chuckled and told her .. better than she ... obviously. I reached for her hand .. just a finger beneath it to lift it more by will than pressure. As I examined the bruising I asked her if it was worth it. That smile that spread over her lips answered me even if her words had not confirmed it ... she said it was totally worth it. I had to chuckle. I told her how put salve on it and elevate it .. I told her I would have advised her to elevate other parts but I would have been accused of some perverted flirtation.

Which .. in my case ... was true.

We spoke of wagers and landings and whether or not she would be trying it again any time soon. We spoke of courage. I found her words interesting ... she has a lot of courage in some things ... not so much in others. It intrigues me ... to watch her develop it. Her balance of courage is different than most women's.

We spoke of the difference between courage and a death wish. We spoke of challenges and adrenaline ... of honor and word ... we spoke of responsibilities and reasons to avoid challenges. At what point our testing of courage became a death wish and where the line of our responsibilities reined that in to preserve our lives. Of the line between and what rested on each side of that line and why. She spoke then of a third place and I was just asking her what she meant.

Silken arrived scratching herself all over .. her arms and shoulders bore the red welts of her nails all ready and she was digging for more. Having been lulled into a false sense of security by the easy conversation with Seveya I attempted to draw Silken in as well .. crash and burn there. Even Seveya tried to talk to her .. not sure how that went I got called aside to deal with an altercation with a few rowdy Kataii who had decided that Tuchuk bosk were good for a few wagers.

By the time I got back Silken had been gone for some time and I returned to sit on the steps and tried to remember where we were at in the conversation .. I asked Seveya where Silken went and she gestured towards the bathing wagons. I had to chuckle and I told her that was probably a good idea from what I had seen. Seveya agreed and added in what she had heard as well. Perhaps Silken would be in a better mood when she got out .. a good enough mood to actually talk to me.

I asked Seveya if she meant some place between the two extremes we were speaking of .. a middle ground. She said no .. she meant a place that was more aside .. not part of either. I had misunderstood her so I asked her to explain it to me.

She told me she could only give me her experience as an example of what she was attempting to explain to me. She described to me a place she had been in after her mother's death .. a gray place where there was only action and very little input from emotion. Routine .. motions ... things that kept her alive but did nothing to further her knowledge and learning of the world around her.

The place she spoke of was familiar to me. A little different .. all right perhaps in a few ways a lot different but she did not need to know that because in the ways that were important .. the ways that she was speaking of ... the place was much the same. I simply referred to it as the desert. A time and place of nothing. Lack of emotion .. a particular apathy for me. But unlike Seveya I continued to learn and grow. Perhaps my gray .. or desert ... was easier to adapt to. Less sadness. More anger. There was more there .. in my thoughts but I had no words for them.

She asked me if I knew others .. if they had places like that. I told her I did not know .. but I guessed everyone did to a certain extent. I told her she was the first one to ever speak to me of it. I also told her it was .. twofold for me. This desert.

I did not get a chance to explain this .. "twofold" ... aspect because she asked me strait up if I had gone to a place like that .. the desert ... the day that the teasing had begun at the fires about Asria being pregnant. The question was too close and unexpected .. I was instantly suspicious and aggressive. I asked her why she asked me that .. why she would ask me that. She remained calm and explained to me she watched me disconnect and walk away. Observant little Tuchuk. Most people miss or disregard the disconnect. I even tried to catch the thought for her .. but every time I was sure I had my hands on it .. it would slip through my fingers. I asked her to explain what she meant .. again. To ask me again. Perhaps if she said it .. voiced it ... put words to it while I was trying to catch it ... I might just get my fist around it. Whether or not she knew what I needed .. whether or not she understood why she had to repeat herself ... she did so and with greater detail. Enough that I was able to settle into the thought rather firmly .. separating the anger from the words .. sedating the emotions contained within so that I could use the scalpel and open them up a little for her to see their machinations.

I spoke of the humor .. the teasing people found in my uncomfortableness with the entire process. That they assumed that it was about the .. mess. It was the best word I could find at the time though .. I was still unsatisfied with it. But .. I told her ... that was not all it was. There was some of that .. for me. The simple mystery of it all ... that I wanted to stay a mystery. Things I did not feel an attachment to and I did not want to know. Felt no need to know. Felt rather strongly about not knowing. But there was more to it .. than that.

I never did get to tell her .. what "more than that" was. She spoke to me of her own feelings. Of how she did not want to know the details of other women's experiences. It was hard for her. I asked her strait up if she was afraid. She said no .. she did not feel afraid of it but that ... she wanted to have those experiences for herself. She wanted to feel them without it being tainted by others experiences. I asked her where she was when her mother died .. she told me. By now she was starting to tense .. starting to feel defensive ... my questions were like lance attacks .. swift and sharp ... and direct. I could feel her bleeding .. even as I delivered them. But they were the kind of cuts that were well placed .. and the weapon was sharp and clean. The wounds I gave would heal quickly .. not so much the reason I gave them. Though I think Seveya has dealt with hers much better than I. Our circumstances .. our experience with the same kind of event are from different perspectives. She reminded me she was her mother's daughter ... not her mother. I am not sure if that was more for me or more of a reminder to herself. I asked her if she was "afraid to die .. like that."

"To die bringing life?" She seemed to think on the question for a little while before she continued. "I feel an instinct.. with this. A very strong protective.. instinct.. to do what I must.. anything.. I can.. if it meant bringing life. I do not know this fear though. I haven't.. been there.. or been faced with it.. the possibility.. to know it."

"How is it .. worth it?" I had not asked her that. I asked the Sky .. the air around us ... the steps we sat on ... anything ... but she assumed I asked her of course and answered.

"Continuation.. life.. legacy.. Each of us .. is like a tapestry.. bearing the threads of our ancestors. We apply these threads.. but add our own.. continuing to evolve that tapestry.. enlightening and discovering, enriching it.. in preparation of the next generation."

To such a generic question .. I suppose a generic answer may apply. It did not touch me. It did not reach through the offal and bile to grasp hold that which could not feel brave and give any comfort. The loss was too big and too grave a thing. Even more now. I was not needed to ensure the continuation of the Tuchuk. There were generations happening without me. Was one tiny thread so important to the whole? No .. we live a life where death is all around and happening all the time and all the other threads compact and make up for the lost ones. I had no doubt of that .. that my thread ... my legacy was mine and I knew the Tribe did not depend on it. "Life" in general did not depend on it.

I had cradled my head in my hands .. I said something about not being brave ... I do not remember what I mumbled. She asked me about it though ... and I had to concentrate on what I had said and what I meant ... just to attempt to make it more clear to her. She asked me if I was unsure if I wanted a legacy .. or if I was not sure about being brave enough to have one. I told her .. "I have never wanted anything more than my own legacy." But then I had to recant that. I had to tell her the truth.

"That is not exactly true .. there is one thing that I have wanted .. and it was the strongest thing I have ever tasted .. the most driving and all consuming thing I have ever felt the need for...." I wandered off and must have gotten lost in my own thoughts because she startled me when she asked me if I wanted to tell her what that was. My answer was simple .. "Revenge." But confession is not good for my soul .. it makes me feel vulnerable and exposed ... I attempted to sweep the subject aside by returning to the point ... "Legacy .. my own is very ... very important to me."

But she wished to know more about this vengeance. She asked me if I felt close to it .. I told her always. She asked me if I felt like there was something left to avenge .. I told her ... always. She asked me if it was like the stubborn part .. the thing that always helped me get things done despite other variables that attempted to interrupt. I told her .. no. It was the opposite. I even leaned towards her as I spoke .. I wanted her to understand this part ... this integral part of me. "Revenge is the strongest most compelling thing I have ever felt and it is not rational. It is not logical. It eats everything alive and taints it .. but I must love it and admire it for its strength. For what it can accomplish through me. In my dreams ... love is like that."

"I do not think I will ever understand something like love.. not fully. It seems so.. .. so ungraspable.. at least its full concept. It seems like a stream to me."

I .. myself ... could not believe that. I told her .. "I believe it is as powerful and impacting and unstoppable. And I believe I can know it .. as well as I know the other." I had dipped my hand into the most powerful force I knew of .. I had reined it .. used it. I had held that strength and purpose in my fist and I believed that I could with love as well.

At least .. that I had the capability.

Not so sure .. if I will have the opportunity.

Carved Memories

2009-05-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

I was resting in my newest favored place to sit .. the steps on one of the supply wagons. The shade of it a welcome change from the burn of the Central Fire on my shoulders the entire morning. An empty wood cup held in my fingers .. the contour contemplated as it rested beneath where my thumbs came together. My thoughts somewhere with the Love Wars .. but I was still having trouble nailing down what exactly was gnawing at my heels about it. The headache was still there .. pressure mostly behind my right eye. It felt bloated and juicy. I knew I did not look different .. but it felt like my right eye was twice as big as my left and nearly ready to fall into my palm .. unable to be contained any longer by such a pathetically small socket. Something happened in the last dream walk. Something that still is with me. I keep wiping at my nose with my thumb .. but there is nothing there. Fortunately no one seems to have noticed the habit.

Mezoo came and sat next to me .. she gave me a gift .. of a sheath. It was very well made and a beautiful piece. I thanked her .. but there seemed to be more and she unwrapped her shawl to show me a blade with a carved handle .. she presented it to me as she explained it was Pacu's ... and he had been carving memories on it. Adventures and events .. as I took the weapon in my hands I could recognize many of them just at first glance .. others I had to examine closer before they triggered my remembrance of days gone by with my best friend.

I think it had been hard for Mezoo to give that up to me. I know it would be hard for me to do so in her place .. something so personal of her father's. Especially now when she was making that step to connect with Ayguili and leaving her family to make her own with him. It was brave of her to do that .. for me. It meant a lot to me .. to have it now. It felt right .. before I was to face the challenges of the Love Wars. I will feel Pacu's absence. But it will be better .. for the memories that I will carry with me.

She told me that one day she would hear the song of Pacu and Trayu .. and for the men that went with them. I told her .. there are no songs of that event. Then I changed the subject. There are only two men who know the events of that hunt .. Serge and I. And my tongue is silent. I have no doubt that his will be also .. even unto his pyre. There are things a man just does not speak of ... things not meant for the light of day. Without a damn good reason .. I will not shine a light on them.

We spoke of Ayguili .. and his intentions. It was a subject I was more than willing to switch to. I told her he better speak to me soon. Seems they had made plans all on their own. I was a little disappointed he had not spoken to me first .. that I heard it from her after the fact. But it set the parameters for how I would act with the women in his care. It was an example of what he would expect from me .. and there were no rules broken. Just a better understanding of what he would expect .. or not expect ... from me in the same situation.

I pay attention to such things.

I was relieved she held enough respect for me to speak honestly with me about it. To let me know. I am more than pleased for them. They are a great example of how to do it right .. for me. I envy their certainty. Knowing what they want and finding it. I am not jealous in a negative way .. but I am jealous in that I want that for myself .. someday. Though in the mean time I will enjoy watching them. They touch me with their emotions and feelings for each other. It reminds me why I fight to preserve our way of life .. to establish and protect and lift the Tuchuk high on the plains. For to me this is courage and faith and honor.

She told me that I was getting better at being that father figure. I asked her what she meant by that .. she said I was getting better at being there .. not only making sure everyone had what they needed but for just being there like I was that day. Listening .. and speaking. What she said offended me a little. I did not wish to tarnish her compliment .. it was given freely and with no negative motive ... but I did tell her that perhaps ... perhaps it was that people were just getting better at recognizing those things in me.

I wish I could talk to someone about the way I feel. But there is no one. Cana is too tired and weighed down by her dreams .. dreams I have been working on and yet ... the task is slow. There is so much there to cloud and it is one of the hardest ones I have encountered yet. There are many forces involved. Many who wish their fingers in that particular series of events. Much depends on his success .. powers that wish for their own outcomes ... so many it is hard to sift through the motives for a clear picture. Cana seems so tired I wish I could do this thing faster. Ayguili has given her many responsibilities ... I will not muddy those waters with my own silt.

Pacu is gone .. and the few times I have attempted it with others .. the attempts have been deftly parried with a slick turn of wrist and the conversation turned towards other things. Things that person wished to speak of .. things that were important to them. Whether or not they heard my weak attempts to speak of something within me .. I do not know. Whether or not it was a conscious move on their part not to hear it .. I do not know. I make no judgements on their motives .. only that I can not seem to find a way to speak to anyone about these thoughts.

I tried though .. this same day as Cana joined Mezoo and I near the fires. But neither woman wished to hear it. At all. Both of them told me simply to return safely. Dropping anything further. I respected it .. I know why ... but it does not make it easier to come to either one of them with these things that plague me so often. My thoughts were shoved far under the simple thoughts needed for polite conversation.

Silken joined us .. shoved in to sit next to me on the steps and elbowed me into reining in my lounge. I was surprised. I did not expect to see her for a while .. and seeing her I certainly did not expect her to approach me. There was no personal conversation .. there were others present and the idle words shared between many ... just good company. I kept padding the side of my nose .. even pinched the bridge of it and tried to blink away the feeling. But it did no good .. I finally got irritated with it enough to drive me away from people ... feeling that people were watching me even though they obviously were not.

The paranoia itself was enough to drive me into some solitude.

Inevitable Frustration

2009-05-13T06:46:00.000-07:00

And I thought that was going to be the most confusing part of my day. It was not until later that I realized I had been gesturing to the Sky with my copper lance again ... and I had not even known it. What fun is that? To taunt the Sky when you are not even aware you are? Seems like a waste of good irreverence to me.

When I returned to the Fires and crouched near the fire itself ... Silken informed me she was there and not going anywhere. That she would stick it out. I told her we would see .. I had lost what little faith I might have had in her. She would have to do a lot of work to regain it. I doubted she would .. I have not seen her work on anything that hard. She would rather give up and complain about how unfair her path is .. instead of just walking it. Instead of avoiding making her own potholes in it.

I complain enough myself about women .. but at least I know I am the one not tracking them down. I know I am not trying. I am far too comfortable in my apathy and loneliness to work at changing it. Sometimes I .. wish ... I could. Sometimes I want to feel that .. urge ... to find someone and know that is the person I want to find. I envy that .. I want it for myself. I loathe people who actually know who they want and why and "feel" it and do nothing about it. I hate them for their waste .. how could they throw such a gift away? What do I have to do to deserve that kind of knowledge? That kind of surety? How do I replace that missing part of me so that .. I can feel ... want ... desire .... and know exactly what it is? Sky give me some direction and I would hunt it down .. put all my problem solving efforts into it achieving that goal ... seek and find.

fucking women

So .. Silken decided that if I wanted to know her .. she would tell me a few things ... show me a few things. And she did. I had not asked for that .. I had not asked her to show me such things at the Main Fires ... I would rather she had not. But I do understand what she was attempting to do .. I understand she was attempting to follow my advice. I do know a few more things about Silken now than I did before. Unfortunately .. Silken does not know much more about me than when she started. She does not know that exposing herself like that and expecting me to remain sexually objective .. and then expecting me to .. once the show is over ... think about her sexually again ... just fucks with my head. She does not know .. because she never asked me how I felt about it. And I will probably not see her again for several weeks.

figures

The night progressed .. as nights usually do. Sorrel did a drive by on her way to the stream .. came back to dress her hair ... at the Main Fires. As much as Kaeli and Sef and Sorrel proclaim that Sorrel is not a dweller because she was with Tuchuk at the city during her time away .... she certainly lacks the knowledge of any Tuchuk ways. Both Tarra and I gently warned her about it .. giving her a chance to learn ... as we would with any dweller given the chance to earn First Fires. But .. she has a lot to learn .... obviously. Walking around with your hair down is flagging yourself with enough sexuality that someone might just .. fuck you. Unless you have one hell of a big guy backing you up with his preferences ... and his preferences better carry some serious weight. Not only was her hair down .. but she was combing it ... at the .... fire. Does she not know what that is to a guy who never sees a Free Woman's hair loose unless it is his mate? Does she not know she might as well just hike her skirt up and bend over and ask politely to be fucked... gang raped by every guy present? Is that what Sorrel wants? Really? Someone needs to talk to Kaeli. Soon.

But the night kept .. progressing.

The talk most prevalent at the Fires was the markets. The Arian and Turian merchants ... the trade between Tribes. It is the backbone of our existence .. the goods we can not produce that we need. Trade is like fresh meat ... it feeds and ensures our continued existence. It is a good thing. Not a bad one. I am surprised there are so few of the First Fires who find any liking for it at all.

Then .. "Fonce?"

"Yes Asria?"

"You haven't forgotten the things I told you?"

I had one of those .. "on the spot" ... moments. Had I forgotten something specifically important? What the hell .. cover for yourself Fonce .. "I do not believe I have."

"Good." She smiled.

Whew .. slid through that one without any obvious wounds. Good job Fonce. Nice save.

"Because I have not wavered Fonce. I am just being quietly patient."

huh?

This is one of those times the Danger sign was for me .. but not being an observant Tuchuk I was lulled into a false sense of security by the general conversation we had all be involved with only moments before. I waded out further into the seemingly shallow pool.

"Patient? For what?"

"Well, for.. you."

"For me ... to what?" I did not even notice how deep it was getting.

Cana .. "What has he done now?" No shit .. what she said .... what the hell did I do? Or did not do that I was supposed to do but .. somehow had no idea I was supposed to be doing it ... was this one of those guardian things?

Fuck

Now .. there came this short discussion throughout the group as to whether I had actually done something .. or whether it was more that I had not done something ... various opinions ... most of them rather valid.. kudos to them. I stared at Asria rather expectantly ... better to know what it was than to live in conjecture.

Suddenly I had an idea .. well the last time we had actually spoken much she was trying to get me to feel the obligation of being there for the birth of the baby ... I figured I had it nailed at this point and I asked her .. "Is this about the baby?" Rather proud of myself for figuring it out before she had to explain it. Good job Fonce.

"No, not about the baby."

fuck

"Can we talk about it privately though?"

I answered .. "I .. suppose ... why did you bring it up here if you did... never mind."

fuck

I told her that sure we could talk about it. Whatever "it" was. She reiterated .. "Not here though." Got that.

About that time Silken took off in a big hurry.

figures

I stepped aside with Asria. The night kept .. progressing.

"I am sorry, Fonce, to drag you away."

"Why?"

"It feels selfish, like I am taking you from where you wish to be and those who wish to be around you."

huh

"I am your guardian .. you have every right to speak to me privately."

"I know, but that doesn't make it any less selfish. How is your shoulder, by the way?"

"It is all right."

"Do you need anything?"

"What .. was it you wished to speak to me of Asria?" But I did add .. there was nothing I could think of at the moment she could do for me.

"I am a little embarrassed I brought it up with everyone there, I assumed you would know what I meant and we wouldn't have to have a whole conversation about it. But maybe this is better anyway. I just wanted to remind you that... my feelings..for you, have not changed and I wanted to be sure you were still giving it the thought and time... time to think about it."

"And you are waiting for me to what .. exactly. Think?"

Was I supposed to make up my mind .. all by myself? Without her? Was I supposed to get to know her ... without her? Was she supposed to get to know me ... without me? Was this all supposed to happen ... by just waiting for it to happen?

I do not ... get it.

"... yes"

"I do not know you Asria .. that is what will take time ... I have never thought of you ... like that. I know nothing about you .. in a personal way. You do not know me.

She asked me if I wanted to get to know her .. I told her I wanted to get to know a lot of people. But there is no woman I am pursuing right now. There is no woman that has that kind of focus from me .. yet.

She asked me if I thought less of her because she had gotten these feelings for me so easily .. without getting to know me as well as I thought she should. I told her .. Less? no but that I had very little faith in it. Those words. I told her I did not believe her .. I had no basis for that kind of belief in her ... or anyone else for that matter.

She asked me if I had no belief in her .. I told her I did not think she was a liar. I figured she believed the words she was saying. She asked me if I thought she was confused .. if I thought she did not know the weight of what she was saying or the choices she was trying to make.

I reminded her once more .. it was her words I had no faith in. No belief in. Her words. Those words. They meant nothing to me. I told her I had no idea whether or not she was basing her words ... her feelings ... on anything valid or not. I had knowledge of the words .. very little knowledge of the speaker of them.

"You could ask me those things, if you wanted to know. You could ask me anything you wanted. Do you know that? I.. want you to ask me things, Fonce. I really want you too."

Well sure I could. Just like I could pursue Silken like a sleen on a heat scent. But I do not. I could do a lot of things .. why do they expect me to? I have no inclination to. I have no faith .. to. I have no belief in them. I have no belief in myself. Not when it comes to relationships. Do they not get it that I never tell them I want to know everything about them? Do they not listen when I tell them if they feel that way ... get to know me? There is a damn good reason I put it that way. Because if they want something .. they are going to have to do something about it. They are going to have to get up off their ass and find me .. and go to the trouble to get to know me. Because there is not a hort's worth of assurance on my part they really want to. And most of them do nothing but prove me right. I have no faith they will like what they get to know. And most of them do nothing but prove me right. So why would I think anything else? Why would I follow Silken around like a lost sleen pup? Why would I seek Asria out and ask her all the questions about her she wishes me to? Why do they expect me to when I go out of my way to tell them ... I will not?

I just .. do not get it.

She squinted at me .. and asked me "Are you trying to brush me off?"

Well that did it. After all my patience. All my control. All my attempts to help her as much as I could ... all the things I have given her ... all the work I have done for her and Lei... and she could actually form her self destructive little tongue around those words? And once forming them .. hand them to me and expect to survive? If I needed any more proof she did not know jack shit about me .. there it was. Delivered with a little pink bow.

Anger flamed in my gaze .. I actually rocked off the wheel .. I was going to hit her. I have no idea what reined it in at the last moment. Perhaps it was because she was pregnant. I do not know .. but I did. Thank the Sky I did not cross that line ... I turned and walked away and told her I would be at the Fires ... I needed people around me ... people to keep me from losing what little control I was holding against my temper.

And the night kept ... progressing.

Reluctant to actually join the others until I got some kind of serious control on my temper I hung out by the supply wagon .. finally finding a seat on the steps ... keeping mostly to myself. For everyone's protection. Cana brought me some food .. touched my arm. It was a sharp contrast .. cool to heat. I did not express my appreciation very well. I will try to make up for that when I can.

The conversations went on around me .. until Sorrel said I was wise ... like a grandparent. Tarra echoed my silent thoughts by commenting on how she must have been dropped on her head as a child. Though Tarra found the entire thing a lot more funny than she needed to.

I told them I would have to experiment with this grandfatherly thing and see how far it got me. Sorrel never got the sexual innuendo .. which probably means she actually sees me as a grandfather. She is really not that much younger than I am. She can be so weird sometimes.

It was after that the conversation just went all to hell. Not one redeeming thing about it .. not one. It was the kind of conversation everyone spirals into after a lot of stress and a long fucking day. And we were all a little punch drunk with it.

My head began to make it very clear it was not happy with me. I broke away from the group for a while .. I wanted the day to end ... but like a sick kanda junkie I kept thinking that if I just hung on a little while longer something would happen that would make it all seem like it made sense. I would know exactly how to deal with Silken .. exactly what she needed. I would know exactly how to deal with Asria .. have the answers for her she seemed so desperate for from me. I wish I just knew .. what to say. Instead I am kept impotent with my own limited understandings and inevitable misunderstandings and I must simply rage at both of them .. to listen ... without having the words that make sense that .... gives them a reason to listen. All of it was just .. hopeless. Or at least it felt like it at that point.

When I returned .. it was to meet Tarra's brother .. Larl. I have heard of him but never met him before. Sorrel and Seveya returned from target practice with Karvek. By this time I was rather sure the pressure in my head was going to find an outlet through my eye sockets .. despite my eyes.

Sorrel came to me and asked me if she could speak to me .. she called me ... "warrior". It was odd .. her sudden formality .. especially after watching her do her hair. I told her .. "Of course."

Then she started to walk away .. clue in Fonce ... I asked her if she meant.... privately?

The conversation with Sorrel was the most confusing thing that happened to me that entire day. And that .. is saying ... a lot.

She was afraid. She was nervous that someone from the Kataii Tribe would notice her and recognize her. I told her we were under a truce. No one would break the sanctity of the Love Wars .. not for something so trivial as her or her brother. Their own people would string them between four unbroken kaiila.

She said she was still afraid that someone would recognize her and then "know" where to find her later. Had she not been a tiny child when she left the Kataii to go to the City?

I tried to remind her that her fear was an insult to us as a group. Was she not a prospect to the First Fires? Was she not under the protection of her own family and the Ubar as well? She said she did not fear the Tuchuk.

Try again Fonce.

I told her .. that what I meant was that she should trust us to protect her.. and to assume she was in any danger was an insult to us.

She apologized. She said that was not her intent. She said that after the wars she would not trust the Kataii. I told her good .. sounded wise to me.

She said she felt odd. Like two parts of her were warring with each other. I told her that was natural .. but since she had no knowledge or experience with the Kataii .. and she was here with the Tuchuk ... it was time for her to get serious about earning her place here with the Tuchuk ... her chosen people.

She said that is what she wanted more than anything. I told her to show her arrogance .. her pride and honor .... instead of her fear.

She said thank you .. she said she would hug me but it would not be proper. I had to stare at her .. she will show me how she dresses her hair but not hug me? But I let it go .. I had this nagging sensation that asking for the meaning of that would just lead to a much more intense pain in my head.

And the day kept .. progressing.

So we headed back to the main fire .. I dropped myself on the supply wagon steps and held my head. Seveya had come over to sit beside me at some point. I had not missed the distance she had given me the entire night .. until then. I probably gave her an odd glance .. do not remember though.

Larl asked me if she was my woman. I thought he meant Red .. the slave at my feet. Never dawned on me he meant Seveya .. just because she sat next to me. What an odd fellow Larl is ... perhaps he is related to Seveya who thinks it is improper to hug.

I told him no .. with a chuckle. Seveya blushed as red as a Courage scar. Then piped up that no .. she was not ... I was building her a ladder though. That amused the hell out of me and successfully confused Larl.

Either Larl is a moron or he was trying to embarrass Seveya on purpose for some reason I am unaware of .. either way ... he deserved what he got.

So he stopped trying to get a rise out of Seveya and started to talk to Mezoo .. only Sorrel misunderstood and thought he was speaking to her. He informed her in no uncertain terms otherwise. So she apologized to him for misunderstanding. He told her when he spoke to her he would look at her.

Grumpy warrior.

So she apologized again. Looking to me .. I assume because she wanted to know if she was acting appropriately considering she had been reined in a couple of times that night at the Fires all ready.

He asked her why she was apologizing. She replied for speaking to him without being spoken to .. referring to the fact he just ripped her head off for the misunderstanding and was at that point threatening to piss down her open esophagus.

So instead of realizing he just scared the shit out of her .. he asked her if she was a slave ... because he had never seen a woman apologize before for speaking. Probably because people do not usually rip their heads of for it around here. But then .. that could just be my opinion. For whatever reason Larl was looking for a fight and he was picking on the youngest of the women there. Mezoo tried to step in .. to explain to him that as a prospect Sorrel was just trying to be polite. I did not defend her .. I wanted to see what she would do after our little talk.

So Larl brought up the dweller thing. Figures. we were about to see how Sorrel was going to handle that sore subject. At this point I would have saluted her for jumping up and sinking a quiva blade through his eye socket. That was probably some projection of my own considering the cephalic pain I was suffering. And I know it was not very realistic .. not sure Sorrel has the upper body strength to get that blade deep enough into his skull to satisfy me .. but the thought was amusing to me at the time.

To distract myself from the macabre scene before me I asked Seveya what brought her over to my side of the steps. I was actually curious .. why she had all but ignored me the entire evening but .. had come over at this point. I wanted to know .. why the change ... I wanted to ... understand it. This was an important point for me. I needed .. to understand it.

She said she had come for sanity. The poor woman .. she had no idea what she just said. She had no idea what internal hysterical giggling that caused. I was an insane man ... I had eaten up sanity like a black hole of insatiable thirst. This was the last place she should look for it ... and I told her so. "Good Sky .. there is a black hole over here sucking all sanity out of the world as we know it. This is the last place you should be looking for that."

She gave me the oddest look. So I asked her what it meant .. her look. Fuck at this point in the evening I was hell bent on a masochistic free fall. Why not? She said I was starting to sound like Yamka.

huh

That is what I got for asking. Should have known. Gesture at the Sky with that copper lance in the middle of a storm and you just might get zotted.

ZOT

Sorrel and Larl chose this time to get into it and Sorrel went off on Larl and told him .. "I am Tuchuk and any who darest o challenge my place here can meet me with it." I am not sure exactly what that meant but .. I figured I better pay attention or Sorrel was going to actually try to kill Larl .. which as amusing as that would be I probably would have to step in because Sorrel was Ayguili's responsibility and I actually would "lend a Brother a hand". And if it was possible to hold off Larl while I was laughing so hard .. I would do that for the Ubar ... I was that kind of a guy.

So I stepped in and told Larl .. who was acting wounded and snobbish in retaliation to Sorrel's challenge that .. her reaction was probably due to a little sore spot over the dweller subject. So what does Larl do? Stomps around in the wound .. of course. I reminded Larl that he should understand. I reminded him he should understand due to his own family's struggle with such. It was a gentle reminder. Not sure why I was so inclined.

Larl kept making his comments and Sorrel started snapping again and Larl threatened to take her tongue. Not sure why he accuses her of acting like a slave when he treats her like one with his threats. First for being too polite to him and then for standing up for herself. Unfortunately his baiting was working and Sorrel was getting all wound up and at this point ... I could see Sorrel jumping over and with super Free Woman strength sinking the quiva deep into Larl's skull .. BUT at the last moment before the steel met gray matter ... Larl would shove his own blade up through Sorrel's ribcage and sever her heart from any further impulse from her brain and both of them would fall into each other's arms and bleed out on the furs.

Or at least .. that is what I would have enjoyed watching. Instead I just sat there on the steps wondering my head was hurting so bad and at the same time ... knowing exactly why it was.

Somewhere in there people went their separate ways. I asked Seveya if she was at this point .. going to explain the Yamka comment. She explained it was the downplay of my own sanity .. just like Yamka downplayed herself.

huh

I asked her if she .. actually thought so. She told me that she did not believe my sanity was compromised.

Naive little thing.

Though as Sorrel parked herself in front of me again .. Seveya did add that she might give me that it was at least ... tested.

Sorrel told me she was very sorry for losing her temper. I asked her .. if that was her losing her temper? She answered that it was .. a bit ... and then told me to chain her to the wagon until her father returned because she messed up and should be punished.

huh?

Good Sky. Was it impossible for me as a man to decide when I wanted to punish someone and when I did not? Was I a puppet to be jerked around and told what to do and when? Where in the fuck was that fire she had when she was speaking to Larl? Did I have to piss her off first? I did not have the energy.

I told her she owed no one an apology. She asked me how could she not? Because she was so rude. I almost called her a dweller myself .. instead I tried to explain to her she better toughen up her little sensitivity or she was about to get walked all over. That people around here had flares of temper and fire all the time and she better get used to it. That I had more respect for the snapping bitchy Sorrel than I did for the whining belly crawling whipped sleen one. So she told me how sorry she was for not being more spirited.

Long slow .. exhale. Tell me the night is almost over .. lie to me ... please.

Then she decided to explain by telling me she enjoyed the Tuchuk but sometimes it got to her .. that her skin was darker than anyone else's. I started trying to rub my scars off my face.

Seveya tried to reason with her .. I asked her if she was going to look down on people like Falon or Tarra because of their blood ... she was shocked and said never. But I reminded her that her words could be taken as such and she better shut the fuck up and stop whining about her differences and put that energy into being as good a Tuchuk as she could be.

fuck

So she changed the subject .. went off on how she had been robbed because the Kataii men had killed her father and stolen from her the chance to know him. I agreed .. they had. Bastards. Then she went off about how she was going to hunt them down and get revenge. I told her I would personally bury her if she even thought about starting shit with the Kataii. And I meant it.

She asked me if it was so wrong to try to get to know him. I said who .. she said her father. I told her to ask her mother ...because her father was dead. She was never going to get to know him. Ever.

I think Seveya realized how close I was to snatching Sorrel's liver out through her nostril. She spoke quietly to Sorrel and suggested she let me have some peace .. it had been a long day.

Fucking Seveya had no idea. Sky bless her for her words though. She saved Sorrel's life. Sorrel should be grateful. Did Seveya finally realize and understand my comments about sanity? Could it be? I must have been scowling at her for she asked me about my expression. It made me chuckle and I told her to ask me .. another day. A different day than today. Any day but today .. if this actually was still today.

So Sorrel decided to talk to Seveya .. about things. Woman things.

I lost it. I had to .. I mean ... it was inevitable. It was going to happen sooner or later. I had held out a long time. Longer than usual. It was at that point I decided that the day ..

should not progress any further at all.

I Just.. Do Not Get It

2009-05-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

As the Love Wars approach my thoughts are elsewhere. Not here. Not where they should be. And I can not even tell you where they are ... just not here. Something is riding me. Something nipping at my heels. I keep getting nudges from behind .. like a barely remembered dream. A dream of something that has not happened .. but feels like a memory. That is the only way I know how to explain it. Which does not make much sense at all actually.

I have questioned myself .. is it the Wars? How many times have I fought in them? Enough times to not feel nervous about it. I do not ever remember feeling nervous about them. They never stood out as that much of an impact against me .. they are a part of life. Am I questioning my motives for the first time? Am I feeling some kind of fear of death? But why? Why now? Is this some kind of portent? Some omen of things to come that stretch out beyond my control? Am I feeling the haunting of my own death for the first time? Is that why I do not recognize this feeling?

In my quest to understand this nagging at my conscious I have even questioned my motives for fighting in the Love Wars. Why would I risk my life for a woman? Not like women and I have this amazingly good track record. Especially the women I have won during the Wars. So if not for women .. why do I do this thing? The thrill? The challenge? I have all the answers to those questions of course ... I answered them the first time I ever stood up to the stake. So if it is not the Love Wars .. what is it that is like a sleen on my trail?

Speaking of women ... these thoughts and more were on my mind as I took a moment to sit on the steps of one of the supply wagons enjoying the shade and the scalding hot cup of blackwine in my fingers. Silken came .. someone I have not spoken to in some time even when she has been around ... she has stayed on the edges. I told her Tal .. and got a "Fonce!" in return. Startled me a little. I wanted to glance over my shoulder .. was there another Fonce? Instead I chuckled and said .. "Why yes .. yes it is."

She started towards me so quickly she almost tripped over her feet .. reining herself in as she drew near .. "I've been looking for you."

Well here I was .. she said she needed to talk to me ... really needed to talk to me ... and she looked around as if checking to see who was present to overhear us.

My brow rose .. then creased with concern ... "What is it Silken?"

She started fidgeting .. shifting her weight side to side ... an entire dance in place. I started to get even more concerned .. and confused. Concern and confusion are not comfortable bed fellows. She finally spoke until she was breathless.. "Well .. its ... you see ... there's been .... I mean .. nothing is wrong .... but its like ... there's so much to say .. and I don't know how to say it and I don't know what to say exactly and ... ..and I don't know where to start."

I took a healthy gulp of blackwine to see if it would help. It did not. "I have .. no ... idea what you are trying to tell me .... Silken."

"See... I took some really bad advice that just.. didn't workout. At least to what I see."

My gaze narrowed .. an attempt to find focus on ... something. Anything. "Advice .. concerning ... what?"

"Me... and... how to act around you."

That brought my brow back up. Do people really not know me well enough by now to know how dangerous that is? At least to their dreams of any kind of success with me? Have they not heard my opinions on that? I have spread them loud and clear over the years. Ah the wicked jit began to climb up behind my gaze .. the one that people mistake for pure .. safe ... humor. They forget my jit likes raw meat. The question sounded simple enough .. innocent enough ... did it not? "Whose advice did you take?"

Danger

"I spoke to Tarra .. and to Nette ... and Jax."

I think I actually snorted. Was she serious? Seriously ... serious? So I began with point A .. "So how did Tarra tell you to act around me?"

Danger

"Well.. She said that you seem to like a more quiet.. subservient type of Woman. I don't know... but She asked me if I wanted to be that type."

huh

"T'zuri was neither quiet .. nor subservient."

"I know.. and I'm not Her."

Humor began to dance a macabre little jig in my gaze.

Point B .. "So how did Leonette advise you to act around me?"

Danger

"She said.. to make a statement... make you notice me."

huh

"Did she have any good ideas as to how to do that?"

"No... we were going to talk more but... guess that wont happen now. So I had to come up with ways myself."

huh?

What ways were those again? Was it riding by my wagon with a wave? Was that my signal to follow? When have I ever acted like a sleen on scent?

So .. point C. "So how did Jax .. advise you?"

Danger

"He said to avoid you.

"Avoid me .. that will work." I nodded. Try that.

She hung her head and spoke .. "I'm sorry ..."

I asked her what for.

"Everything's just so messed up... don't know my ass from my elbow... and I'm sorry I just don't know how to do things. I mean... I want to come see you.. be with you.. but .. I don't know how to go about that. I didn't want to avoid you."

"Well my first bit of advice is .. if I say ... get to know me? That does not mean talk to everyone .... but me .... about me. And take their advice over my own."

Seemed simple enough to me. However this entire conversation was just going to be one of those that proved my assumptions terrible wrong.

"I didn't talk about you .. I asked them how I should go about things."

Was she serious? Count to ten and begin again Fonce .. "Which is about me .. right? Or were you asking advice on Jax? Or Ogedaii? Or Ayguili?"

"No .. I don't like them."

"So .. you were talking about me .. getting advice ... about me."

"I suppose .. in a way yes."

I nodded.

"I didn't think about it like that."

"I figured."

"But then if I asked you what to do .. nothing would have been a surprise."

huh? "Is there .. supposed to be a surprise?"

"I think they are nice. Have someone show up. Show you they care ... in a funny sort of way."

Was that something I was supposed to be doing? Or something she was attempting to do? Either way something had gone wrong somewhere .. I was rather sure at which point the wagon had gotten off the well traveled and secure path. I asked her .. "So what now?"

"Figure out what to do."

"What do you want from me?" She seemed to have this all planned and so far .. nothing about it had to do with me at all and the only reason it was not working for her .. was ... well .... I was not catching on. However the thought process of the steps I was supposed to take to even know about this .. was unfortunately missing.

"Go to the Trade Post with me.. after the Wars?"

huh? Had she forgotten I was there when she asked Ayguili if she could go and when he asked her who was going with her .. she told him Jax was? Was she trying to play me? I had to doubt that .. because if she was .. she was doing a very bad job of keeping the other guy on the quiet side of things. Everyone knew how much her and Jax were together. No one was surprised she was planning on going with him to the trading post. Was I surprised at the time she did not talk to me about it at all? Why yes .. yes I was. Did I have some rather punctuating thoughts for her at the time? Why yes .. yes I did. I play second to no man. Remember? So my first response to that question was .. "Why? You have Jax."

"He doesn't go trading with me. Besides .. He is .. busy with His family."

"Who was going to go with you then?"

"Ayguili said He would send a few of His men. I had to ask Him.. and when He asked me who would go with me... I just said Jax... so He would let me go. I didn't want to.. just say you."

I had so many things I wished to address there. Instead I skipped over the fact that she was fucking A fortunate she knew better than just to throw my name out there like that ... and I skipped over the fact that she lied to the Ubar so easily to get her way. If I had addressed such .. at that time ... I would have fallen precariously off subject and I was not sure I would be able to get back.

"What about my responsibilities here?" I did however add a tag line on the end of that .. I told her to be careful and not be careless with her words .. she would be held accountable for them.

I told Silken I barely believed her .. that she wanted to get to know me at all ... or had any real feelings for me. Any knowledge of me actually.

She said how could I say that .. was she not there?

Why could I not make it clear? Why was it not clear anyway to her that someone coming to me every few weeks and telling me how they feel does not fill in the time between with any sort of action to back up their words? She went on .. however ... to tell me if she did not want anything to do with me why would she have been riding passed my wagons .. waving ... and throwing feathers at me.

huh .. I told her that was a poor way to get my attention. "Do you care how I feel .. or what I want ... or how I see things?"

She said of course she did .. that was why she sought me out. I told her if .. and I meant if .. she wanted my attention she was going about it in the wrong way because I ... did not get it ... did not understand it. Obviously.

She said that was why she was there. I added that .. I was not leaving my responsibilities .. I had no desire to leave them. I told her I liked it here .. had no plans on leaving my men or my Clan unless ordered by the Ubar. She said she understood .. but I snapped back at her that I was not so sure she understood .. had she not asked this of me? How could she know me and ask me such a question in the first place? I told her once more .. that getting to know me was the only way I would lend any validity at all to her supposed feelings for me. Feelings that at this point I had very little faith in at all .. which is even further down than my usual lack of faith ... which put it rather low.

I was losing my temper .. the entire conversation was starting to get to me ... irritate me to the heights of my exasperation with the female gender and their complete obliviousness when it came to me. Was I so different? Did I not want the same things as other men? Of course if her experience with men should be judged by Shi .. I can tell you right now I am that different.

But I digress .. "I am sick and tired of people's gossip about me ... and it is gossip when someone tells you what I might like .. or what I might think or what I might find attractive to the point you change how you act in an attempt to get my attention."

I was angry.

"How the hell am I supposed to know who you are .. when you are not even yourself but what someone else gave you the advice to be? People are ridiculous .. illogical and impossible to understand!"

"I didn't mean for it to look that way Fonce. I just asked for advice.. so I wouldn't look like a boskdinky."

"So what if you are? So what if I turned out to not like you at all? So what? At least you would be yourself and by the Sky I wager you do not want me asking your bride price if I do not even like who you really are! Great mating that would be!"

Often when I vent .. I vent with ... sarcasm.

"When are you going to want a man to want you for whom you are Silken .. who you really are .. all the things you keep hidden and secret .. all the things that torment you at night and you want to share with someone who will understand you .. finally?"

"The things I keep hidden and secret.. are for the one I want... and the one I want is the one that can stop the torment at night."

Red had come to rest at my feet .. fortunately for Silken .... because after that response from her I had someone to slap upside the head. Red learned at that point she was fair game for my "misplaced" aggression. Then I spoke very carefully .. "How are you going to know who that is if you are not ... yourself?"

"You're right."

"Of course I am. So you just got some great advise from the kaiila's mouth .. what are you going to do about it?"

"Heed it."

"I hope so .. because if you fall into wallowing around in your own mistakes it will get you .. no where."

Then both women grew quiet .. Silken and the slave Red ... and that just irritated my temper even further and I told Red to go find something to do and I told Silken I hoped to see her .. around. Then I stalked off to the kaiila pens muttering about women.

I just .. do not .... get it.

The Color of Stars

2009-05-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

The Sky .. it speaks. It speaks in so many ways that a Haruspex could live out lifetimes and never hear it all ... or understand every language it uses. The Sky speaks to anyone who will listen .. though most do not take the time to hear it. Some do not even believe in it .. or speak of the Sky in an offhand way that denotes knowledge but not a personal relationship. Others feign a deep reverence that goes no deeper than the first three layers of their skin.

Give me ten ehn with that person. Between that point and four more layers I can teach them mysteries about the Sky they never dreamed possible .. I can have them singing .. praying ... with a fervor and passion that blossoms a deep belief down into their core. I can sow life changing seeds .. implanting down deep ... in just a few moments.

They say a man is destined to reap what he sows. I wonder which part of that I am fated to pluck from the vines of life. So far I have not seen any plump ripe fruit falling into my palm. Not even the rotting splitting flesh of a Central Fire aged peach .. sickeningly sweet with poison. So far ... there is nothing. So far the only place the Sky speaks to me is in my dreams. So far .. my waking moments are blessed with silence.

I had been contemplating the Sky for some time .. while sitting on the steps of the supply wagon. The vast silence of it. Muted beauty that rests there and I feel I have no connection to. No connection save messages and visuals sent on prophetic lips in an effort to get my attention. So far I do not appreciate what the Sky has to say to me. The passive aggressiveness of it all palls for it seems to me to be more about my behavioral management than to be about a conversation. I am not so easily managed behaviorally. I think we have established that rather well.

People came and went .. before Seveya and I started any sort of actual conversation. We spoke of Cana. How tired she was lately .. how sleepless ... she appeared. Seveya had noticed .. I told her I was ... working on it. She told me that Cana was in good hands .. and I asked her how she knew that. I wanted to know if it was one of those over used and yet well served platitudes that please and sate the masses but tend to be something I easily and readily regurgitate. I could feel the bile at the back of my teeth as I asked her .. premature ejaculation on my part. Seveya had a reason for what she said to me .. I swallowed the distaste and ate the compliment for what it was. Seveya has fewer platitudes gracing her tongue .. fewer than most.

I was impressed with how much she could learn from so little. She watches .. people. She watches and learns. Perhaps that is why she is so quiet all the time. I thought for a while she was getting lost in her own head .. but now I begin to wonder if she is simply .. watching.

I asked her if she liked people. Figuring she had a good idea if she did or not considering the time she put into watching them. She said she did like them .. gave me a odd curious sort of glance and then asked me if I did ... like them. I told her I did .. sometimes. Sometimes I did not find so much to like at all. I told her it was odd for a woman .. like her ... to watch people so closely. She asked me if I had not observed so many women doing so. I told her women .. to me ... seemed for the most part busy being people. They seem to enjoy the act of sensations .. feeling and giving ... not always perceptive of people not in their direct line of focus. Those that were .. usually lacked some sort of skill. They were missing some link that was needed to be part of the pack ... and that left them watching and learning in a way that was different.

This was of course my own one sided view .. no one ... including myself ... could ever say I had any kind of real understanding of women.

I told Seveya I did not see on the surface what skill she might lack that caused her to be such a watcher. So she told me. She told me one of the skills she lacked was a guard on her tongue and she spoke random things as a child that made people uncomfortable. That people kept a distance from her .. she was a problem they did not have the time to solve. I told her I was surprised they did not make her a Spex .. just for that.

She said her uncle had told her she was more like her mother in that regard. I asked her what she meant and she said .. she saw things differently ... not like a Spex. I asked her again what that meant more specifically but she told me it was a secret.

huh

But then she told me that despite the fact she would not tell me .. she would show me. I asked her when .. she said after the Love Wars ... I asked her .... what if I am dead?

I think the question took her back some .. but something spoke for her even as her thought process took a step back and she stated that .. I would be there. That I would return. Her naivety was not as attractive to me as her plain speaking .. but perhaps that is the gift of women ... to speak their faith into existence to combat a man's poisoned dose of reality. Somewhere in there .. I know there is a power greater than anything I have studied. I just do not have enough experience with it to nail it down properly.

Randomly I asked if she always liked people. She told me I was talkative .. I slid the sarcasm card in and asked her .. was I not always so? But then I asked her who taught her this .. to see the good in people. She ignored it .. the sarcasm as she should .... and told me she just always saw the good in them. From an early age. No one had taught her .. it just was.

She asked me .. what I saw about people first. I asked her if she meant .. what was the first thing I noticed? She specified that what she wanted to know was what I saw when I actually started to observe. The meaty parts .. not the skin deep ones. The muscle and sinew .. not the flesh itself.

We were star gazing the entire time .. the coals of the fire had died slowly and as they did more stars would show themselves.

I had never had to answer that question specifically and I thought about it for a few moments. I told her I believed I observed first how people relate to each other. How they treat each other .. their weaknesses and strengths.

She asked me if I had done this as a child .. observe weaknesses and strengths .. had I done so that early as well?

I was instantly very guarded and suspicious of such questions .. a small flicker of aggression within my gaze as I shifted my focus from the stars to her profile. I told her .. yes ... I did. As early as I could remember. She turned to meet my gaze and her own widened seeing what all mine contained. Which only made my own eyes narrow in calculation of her reaction. The beast stirred ....

She randomly asked me if the starts spoke to me .. which of course switched my gears. I gave her one of those dry smirks so she knew I knew what she had done. I answered her .. I told her the stars only spoke to me in my dreams. She said they did not speak to her .. but her uncle had told her they had a lot to say. I told her that her uncle spoke true. They did .. indeed ... though not to me so much outside my dreams. She asked me then if the conversations were good ones. I answered her .. that not many of my conversations with the Sky were good ones and I chuckled without any mirth.

She caught the lack of amusement in my tone and broke off to get a cup of water. I told her .. that she observed me more than interacted with me. That she shied away from it .. often ... as if she wished to learn before she did so. She told me she wished to learn .. yes ... but more than that.

She told me that .. the shying away was also part of a dance .. a dance of conversation. Where she took a breath. I asked her if that was important .. she said yes breathing just so happened to be. I told her breathing was overrated. As I expected it would .. her naivety protected her from the second meaning of that statement. But .. dragging my mind back out of the trenches I told her if that was how she needed to converse ... this dance ... then I would understand it.

That seemed to concern her .. she asked me if I did not appreciate her dance ... and that she would attempt to not do such ... though it might leave her overwhelmed.

HA

I fell right back in .. must have been walking the edge. I told her .. she must know an overwhelmed woman was very attractive. Somewhere .. some small part of me was feeling guilty for I added .. with all teasing aside I wanted her to be herself. I wanted her to be comfortable.

I lied.

She has no idea though. Not sure that is salvation for me .. but it does work ... salvation or not.

She told me she wished for these things for me as well. She did not want me to be uncomfortable. I had to chuckle and ask her if she was so sure of that. She said she remembered the talk about my personal space. Well .. seems she may have listened but she did not really hear. Which .. I suppose is typical. I told her if everyone respected my comfort all the time ... I would never get close to anyone.

I asked her .. to answer two questions for me before we parted and headed to our respective wagons. She asked me if she could have the same and I told her yes .. but not that night. She looked so woebegone I told her I would owe her one. Wily Tuchuk Seveya .. she got two "observations" and one "answer me this" question out of me to be redeemed at a later date.

huh .. I need to hone my bartering skills a little.

I asked her to tell me one thing she was unsure of .. about me ... and one thing she was sure of .... about me.

She told me she was unsure how I felt about her .. but that she was sure I was at least willing to be around her regardless of how I felt.

I smirked.

HA

One of the questions she may ask me later is what my smirks mean.

Belief .. Like Mist

2009-05-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

I was in one of those moods. Not .. that ... mood. Just a general malaise that bordered on general annoyance .. and stopped in to visit general irritation occasionally without any invitation or warning.

Tarra found me sitting on the supply wagon steps and asked me how I was and if I was all right because she had not seen me around lately. I told her I was all right .. just in a bad mood. She asked me what brought me to that mood and I told her I would love to be able to blame it on people .. or on all the bosk shit lately ... but the truth was it was just a mood that came on me now and then for no apparent reason. Or excuse. I told her I tend to avoid people .. more than I used to ... when it rides me like that and I am so easily frustrated.

She told me she actually understood that .. then she asked me .. why more than usual. I told her .. after some thought ... because I learned. And of course she asked me what I had learned. I felt the tug at the corner of my mouth before I told her .. "To never trust a woman when she says she wants to know those parts of me."

She told me that some speak true when they spoke of wanting to know. I told her I had never met one that did. I told her that when they have said such to me they actually tend to mean that they want to make it better .. share it ... as if they intend to walk hand in hand with it on a starry night. I told Tarra .. that I did not mean to infer that they lied ... I actually surmised they believe what they are telling me.

She said some people believe it .. but when it comes to the reality of knowing more than just the lighter sides of life they can not handle it. She asked me then if she herself said she wished to know more of me .. including the less than pleasant aspects ... would I think she told the truth?

I replied that I did not know how to believe that.

She said she understood why I would say that .. but she wanted to know that even though she had some more volatile moments ... had I ever seen her give up on me or not speak to me?

I told her no .. I had not seen that from her. But neither had she been subjected to anything but my lighter side. I had not sought her out when I was not ... well.

She told me she did not expect me to believe her words given my experiences .. but that I should know enough about her that she would not tuck her tail and run in the face of a storm.

I told her no .. I had not seen her run from storms. But that still gave me no basis for the kind of belief she spoke of.

She told me she did understand .. and possibly understood more than I could realize. She had similar problems. I told her that did not surprise me .. she made sure I knew they were different. Which I added was rather a given.

She told me that she would show me hers if I showed her mine .. with a chuckle. And I asked her if she really thought the plains could handle that.

About that time Cana and others started to arrive at the fires and of course that last give and take between Tarra and I caused a bit of a stir and Cana got nervous about two Spex plotting and planning.

I have yet to finish that conversation with Tarra .. I have yet to speak more of belief ... or lack thereof. I am not sure what all I would say if we did continue the conversation. I do not have a lot to contribute about faith and belief and hope and such words as that.

I know I have aspects of them .. here and there as if in an explosion I accidentally got some on me. Shrapnel. As if I am merely collateral damage in the war that happened to someone else.

Belief .. like so many other ideas is nothing more than mist to me .. I can see it ... sometimes I can even smell it. But if I try to grasp it .. it eases through my fingers and fades quickly.

Walls .. Walls ... and More Walls

2009-05-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

Asria brought up the idea that she wanted me to be there when her child was born. I was confused .. a little irritated. Anyone who knew me at all knew there was not a snowflake's chance in the Tahari. It just would not happen. I heard Cana say she wanted to be there to watch .. but I still was not catching on completely and I asked her what it was she wanted to .. watch. And she said Asria had this idea that I would be there ... and if I was then Cana wanted to be called so she could watch. Well I could understand that .. Cana was one of those who knew beyond a shadow of a doubt how I felt .. even if she was not completely aware of all the reasons or how they worked in my head. Even Tarra said it would be something she would like to witness. Like it was a thousand year bloom of a rare plains flower. Which .. I guess it would be that rare.

I tried to explain to Asria .. gently .. as gently as I could that I was not a Healer and I had no need to be there. She told me strait up that I needed to be there .. that she needed me to be there. I asked her why. She said something about it being important to her .. since Trayu was not there. That she just really wanted me to be around. Well I do not know about Trayu or how he feels about childbirth .. but I can sure explain me. I heard Cana exclaim .. why Asria would want a man to see her ... like that .... that was not her mate.

Even I do not see childbirth as sexual. At least I do not think so. I do not have a lot of experience to work with so .. I could be wrong I suppose. But if I had to hazard a weak guess ... I would think that sexuality would just be the farthest thing from my mind.

But I finally tried to explain to Asria .. without the previous gentleness perhaps but still in control and calm ... that I would not be there for my own child's birth. I saw no reason to be there for Trayu's. I got an .. "I see." Which usually means the exact opposite.

I told her I doubted that she saw at all .. but that at least she "knew" now.

The rest of the women preset wanted her to know she was not going to be alone ... that they and others would be there to help her. I know Asria was not worried about the help so much as the support. And the support she wanted was mine. As a man .. but I was not the man whose child this was. I knew I could not even do this for my own mate ... and Asria was not my woman. This was not my blood. But .. I must reiterate .. even if it was it would not have changed a damn thing. The wall is there .. for whatever reason ... and it is not moving easily. Certainly not just because it is brought up in front of everyone. Which Asria did apologize for .. for the public aspect of it.

Asria left abruptly then .. and Cana asked me if Asria knew how fortunate she was for not being confined to a wagon on the outer circle until she was .. done. I told Cana that obviously Asria was not aware of my personal opinions about such things. Though I think she is starting to get the picture. Cana felt bad for saying anything .. told me she had not meant to hurt her feelings. I think I am the one that hurt Asria's feelings. But Asria needs to understand that it is not about her .. it is not personal ... this is me take it or leave it. Cana said she was just protective of me .. and I had to laugh and ask her if she was planning on protecting me from childbirth. She surprised me by saying she would stand between me and anyone who thought to force me into that. I laughed .. but inside I felt a certain warmth of humanity. It was .. good to be understood. Even if the thought of Cana throwing herself into the fray to protect me ... painted a rather amusing chuckle. I told Cana I was not sure who she would be protecting more .. me ... or the woman. She said it was a little bit of both.

I can not seem to communicate with Asria on these things. I do not know why. She does not deal at all well with my walls and I actually respect that. I would never want her to know how to deal with walls. But .. being Tuchuk and being free and open and never satisfied with walls ... why is she trying to get to know me ... when that is all I am?

It .. Hurts Me

2009-05-09T15:05:00.000-07:00

They do not get it. Not one of them. Not one of them bothers to understand what it means to me .. why it means ... to me. They believe it is a joke .. a thing to tease and taunt with. It does not amuse me. It is not funny to me.

I am not very good at showing fear .. pain. I am not very good at communicating my own desperation for understanding. If not understanding .. at least a modicum of mercy. Instead there is only salt for the wound. A powder of bubbling to lance the infection lest it seal .. keeping it forever open and weeping. Never to heal. Fluid like wasted tears sent to protect .. instead it is splattered in sopping pools of freshened memory.. over and over. The abstract pictures it paints etched forever across my ocular window marring the view of my most precious desire.

It is not a toy .. it was not meant to be a string to puppet my reactions. I can not forgive the manipulations of my time and energy. Their laughter like a lance that severs every link I attempt to keep with my better parts .. leaving only malicious intent in the shadows of my gaze. An easy smile as I start my own countdown .. 3 .. 2 . 1

There is no guilt they can attach to me that will change how I feel. There is no precious illusion that will color it differently for me. There is no expectation strong enough to make me forget how easily they use this thing to test my resolve.

I will remember.

Each chuckle .. every easy joke thrown to the sleen to tear apart and devour in their eclectic waste of inferior existence.

I will remember.

Every careless whisper .. every verbal image painted to invoke my inevitable response.

I will remember.

Each one of them marked by the stigmata of their transgression. Their cowardice ... their shame like a battle cry that gives me purpose and strength to rise with weapon .. and resolve to lay waste to their soul.

I will remember.

Each and every one who breaks .. that Rule.

Shadow Eater

2009-05-08T12:25:00.000-07:00

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on

He's known, a vow unto his own
That never from this day, his will they'll take away

* * * * *

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you.

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you

Or are you unforgiven too?

* * * * *

How could he know this new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?
Set sail to sea but pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure

Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he's feeling
He could just be gone

He would just sail on
He would just sail on

How can I be lost?
If I've got nowhere to go?
Searched the seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost
In remembrance I relive
How can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?

These days drift on inside a fog
It's thick and suffocating
This seeking life outside its hell
Inside intoxicating
He's run aground
Like his life
Water's much too shallow
Slipping fast
Down with the ship
Fading in the shadows now
A castaway ...

Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he's feeling...

How can I be lost?
If I've got nowhere to go?
Searched the seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost
In remembrance I relive
How can I blame you

When it's me I can't forgive?

*Metallica Lyrics

Scratch

Spark

Ignite

Flame

Light

Achievement

The boy crouched beneath the wagon and willed the small circlet of light to expand .. huddled within the embrace of gold leaving the gnash of milk white fangs beyond in the shadows.
But the lamp was stolen from a garbage pit before the sod was thrown over it. Only enough oil to tempt the hope of a small three year old and not enough to save him.

Sputter

Smoke

A forever moment

Darkness

A quick inhale caught in small lungs before the shadows leapt and the fangs found purchase.

Survival .. it was what he knew best. He learned who to rely on and who to trust to teach him how to live ... but there was not one who was kind to the boy. He learned through abuse. Outcaste .. pariah .. bad omen... there were many labels and most of them he heard long before he understood what they meant.

He learned to divorce himself from emotion because they did him no good .. earned him nothing and cost him everything. He was much better off without them. Logistics became his company in the darkness.

In the moments before the shadows came for him each night he counted coup for the day. Kept track of the names of those he could not forgive and how he had bested them in his own way.

These ways were not always obvious .. with the ability of a child these victories loomed large with importance ... importance endeared only to the child's heart.

Soon a code was written on his soul. Rules. Rules that made sense only to him .. but rules he lived by and judged those around him with. And to break a rule meant to be forever damned. There was no gray area for the boy. There was only black and white. Logic unencumbered by emotion.

As a boy no one cared whether they broke the rules or not. It had little to no effect on their lives. The only place it could be found was the boy's soul. Later on though .. as people began to care about the young man .. the enigma became a mystery to solve .. how does one stay in focus?

The answer is easy.

Do Not Break the Rules.

Physical wounds heal. The scars left by the broken arrow he was beaten with for getting tangled in a woman's clean laundry turned to small white pock like marks on his lower back and hips. The bruises and fractured arm earned from a broken piece of tem for stealing a piece of meat out of the supply wagon disappeared after a time. The heartbreak when the bosk he befriended was slaughtered and eaten because it was a distraction to the boy who was not allowed to own anything simply taught life is not fair.

Life had rules ... and there were consequences for breaking the rules even if you never heard of the rules before you got punished for them.

Sometimes he only figured it out after much pain and melancholy distracted inspection
and sometimes he never did.

This was only enforced by the Black Mask training.

Never ... Break the Rules

Whether you know about them .. or not.

It was all very ... logical.
It started to make sense in its way.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...
make sure it counts.

When you get hurt do not cry about it ...
get even.

Hold people accountable...
where it hurts the most.

And under no circumstances .. never .. ever ...

Break the Rules.

Yet even as harsh as this all was the boy never lost that look of pride and arrogance he was born with. Never once was his spirit broken. He adapted ... learned... and returned each favor in his own way securing for himself his place upon the plains.

And if there were times when the milk white fangs gnashed again ... they did so from within the black gaze ..

For that night ... when the light went out

And the shadows leapt

The boy turned

and swallowed them whole.

*From Méditation II ... originally posted on June 25, 2007.

The Real Seveya

2009-05-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

“Night is a dead monotonous period under a roof; but in the open world it passes lightly, with its stars and dews and perfumes, and the hours are marked by changes in the face of Nature. What seems a kind of temporal death to people choked between walls and curtains, is only a light and living slumber to the man who sleeps afield.”

Robert Louis Stevenson

I know what it is like when you get .. "down in it". When you are lost in the murky depths and you do not know which way is up .. or which way is down. And you are afraid to move without knowing if you are working your way back up to the top or if you are just digging yourself even deeper. I know what it is like to have it riding you like a ribboned black specter that hovers over you like a shroud .. enveloping you from time to time in ink bleeding wings that suffocate and soothe you into a dreamless sleep.

I have seen people who have succumbed to it. They are no longer .. real. As if they are some echo .. a shadow of who they were before. A facsimile that is nothing more than an empty shell. Perfect upon the outside but .. hallow and vacant within.

I have seen something like that haunting Seveya. I do not know what it is or why it is there .. it is just a haze to me .. I see the reflection of it in her eyes but I have not faced it eye to eye myself yet. There is a certain recognition within me .. a piece giving a nod in passing.

That night I was at the stream. Seeking the soothing of the water that lulled my senses. There is a difference in appreciating an element .. and mainlining it.

When Seveya rode up on her kaiila .. the beast feeling the haunting ... she was fresh from it. I could smell it on her. It drifted in the night around her in ebon tendrils that pulled in any light from the darkness .. and swallowed it. She was spoiling for a fight .. anything to give her something to put her hands on ... a problem she could solve. Even if she had to create the problem first .. she was more than willing to go about doing that. Her mood was a little desperate .. a little dark ... and a lot aggressive. The kaiila prowled up and down the bank across from me .. driven by her mood ... restless and nervous. The beasts know it when we harbor those things .. the recognize it even easier and quicker than we do.

She stormed her conversation with me like she would if she was trying to take all nine gates of Turia. I started getting irritated. I did not understand the questions she asked .. she asked them like she was fevered and not thinking strait. I started to get the idea she was accusing me of things ... things I was not even clear on. But the flavor of it began to fan the coals of my own temper ... which is always there waiting and watching for just such a thing. Her attitude was like a perfume and it awakened my own beast .. or started to. A stirring .. a lifting of nostrils to the air to attempt to get the scent. There must have been something in my tone .. some sign of what was stirring because she stopped .. stopped and came stomping through the shallow part of the stream to deposit herself on the bank next to me.

That amused me. It was either incredibly brave .. or bordering on self destruction ... to approach me at that point .. but I welcomed her and asked her if she actually came to talk. I told her I liked talking to her .. as apposed to being laid siege to.

She asked me if she was out of line earlier .. at the fires when she was attempting to invade my personal space and mend my hands. I told her no .. I had been called away. I had not left angry. I tried to explain to her about my personal space .. how it worked. She asked me why it worked .. that way. I told her I did not know exactly but that.. that was indeed how it did work. That sometimes I wish it did not ... sometimes I watch others or I actually catch myself doing something differently than my normal and ... I get that flicker ... a brief glimpse of what it must be like to be .. different. But even that .. knowledge and desire ... could not change how I was.

I told her .. I was alone a lot. She asked me if that was a preference. I told her that was just how it worked. It was easier. I told her sometimes I move all the slaves out of my wagon into the slave wagon just .. because I get wound up about them fucking with my shit. I feel invaded and I .. suddenly sweep it all away and .. find some kind of peace in my obsessive control of my environment. My world slowly rights itself and I can ... breathe.

She asked me a few more specific questions about how that space worked .. what I took personally ... what I allowed and what actually made me angry. She asked good questions. Good questions that led to informative answers. Answers I have never been against giving those who ... ask.

She said she wanted to fit there .. in my space. That in her thought process that was the best way to get to know someone .. up close. I warned her .. it is not easy to be there. In my space. For anyone. She said she had learned that nothing was ever .. easy. I think she took it as a challenge .. even though it was not. It was a warning. But .. who am I to judge people taking things as a challenge ... I am guilty of that more often than not.

When I had to go .. she asked me if she could invade my space. It shocked me .. made me suspicious ... but more than that she appealed to the ever curious Tuchuk in me ... so I said .... all right. Before I could get it out she had wrapped me up in a hug. The simple gesture made me chuckle and I pulled her tight against my chest until she relaxed her arms and I let her go.

She asked if we could go riding and I told her yes ... I also admitted that the invasion was not ..

... that bad.

I still do not know what is riding .. haunting Seveya. I do not know if I will ever know. I do not know if she came up to talk to me or if I went down to find her. But I learned one thing about her. I can still find her .. still talk to her even when it is there and just over her shoulder hissing in her ear.

That is a very good thing to know.

Bust..ing Out

2009-05-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

It was after the conversation at the stream .. the one with Yamka and Tarra ... about elements and dreams. Tarra had left and Yamka and I made our way back to the Main Fires. I wish .. I could get through to Yamka ... we appear to talk ... to converse .... but it never seems to go anywhere. She never seems to ... hear me. Or .. she hears me and then some other voice comes along and erases everything I have said and she goes right back to the beginning. She is still very bitter about things with Ayguili .. she seems to blame Mezoo. I wish she could understand that Ayguili made the first move .. to Mezoo. That he had to work at it .. prove himself before she even considered him a possible attraction to her heart. I am a little jealous of them myself .. jealous of the ease at which their relationship grows. Not perfect .. I am not attracted to perfect ... what attracts me is all the things I run into that make it such a hard part of my life seem missing for those two and ... the way they fit and grow. It is like the grass. I would hold their relationship up as .. How to Do It Right. I like that .. it gives me some amalgamated sense of hope .. of faith. As much as I ever get. I find them a pleasure to be around .. even when they ignore me. My identity is rather safe and I am just fine with being in the presence of two very happy people. I like .. happy people.

Anyway .. I was speaking to Yamka ... who I actually enjoy having a conversation with ... when she is not putting others down or herself. We had just reached the Main Fires when Seveya arrived fresh from riding. Sporting dusty leather. I am learning to appreciate the days she rides. Nothing unattractive about women in black leather.

Yamka had been telling me about her new kaiila and threatening to go exploring with Seveya. The two of them free to expand their horizons. Sounded ominous to me. Tarra returned and Karvek .. Seveya's uncle arrived with a gaggle of children .. it made me chuckle. I barely tread water with one child at a time let alone a group of them .. mental kudos to the man.

I was lost in thoughts mostly .. absently working the dirt out of my calluses as I sat near the fire. Seveya got herself some water and then invited herself into my space to sit next to me .. asked me how I was .. I told her I was fine and asked her how she was ... I had not seen her since the other morning at the fires after her ringing. The entire time I spoke to her I eyed her with a rather intent focus. Probably a little suspicious. Happy women rarely invite themselves into my space .. at least not without something on their mind and I was just waiting to find out what it was ... hopefully before it clanged upside my head. Not that the view from here was not .. pleasant. Something to be said for women in vests. If I was going to get a verbal pot upside the head I was going to deserve it.

I do not think she noticed though .. I appeared to be distracted with my hands .. and she was too distracted with my own feigned distraction. Which is only something I do when idle .. a mindless task ... a way to shed excess energy. When I asked her how she was she replied with a warm smile.. I do not remember her words ... only the smile. Seveya seemed .. happy. Inviting. I am having trouble keeping up with the many moods of Seveya. Like trying to catch a feather that has barely dropped onto the surface of the stream .. floating faster than I can catch. Not a bad thing .. mind you ... like I have stated I am rather comfortable with the fact I do not understand women. But it does lend to some curiosity at times.

I was chewing on a broken piece of thumbnail when she decided to threaten me with Cana. I would deal with Cana .. Cana had caught me off guard ... she would not do so again. I sent Seveya a dark challenging glance. Little did I know she would take that challenge and threaten to do it herself. Damn .. that little woman has spunk. Tuchuk spirit my ass .. she scares the shit out of me ..

and amuses me. I shoved my hands between my thighs and told her if she went after them I was going to consider it an invitation of colossal proportions.

I really like that word lately ... colossal.

She saw the wisdom in not .. making that invitation.

Leave it to me to threaten a woman with sexual repercussions. I go there .. a lot ... but if asked I will blame it on the vest. It had nothing to do with what she whispered in my ear. And I dare anyone to prove differently.

Water and Fire .. and Dreams

2009-05-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dreams. There has been a lot of talk around the Fires about dreams .. which is odd. I can not remember a time that anyone around the First Fires spoke to me about dreams before. I do not go around telling people what I do in the Clan. I have spoken of some things .. been asked to make a talisman or two .. these things are easy for any Spex. But they are not my passion .. where I feel called. Dreams are the bone of my interests .. the rest is muscle and sinew and flesh ... necessary of course.

Pretty much why I had to tell Cana about it .. she had no idea. Yamka .. asked me about dreams and told me one of her own. I have my ideas about it .. every time she has spoken to me of them they progressively show her more. Show her something about herself. Memories trying to communicate with her. At first when she told me of them I suspected it was a backlash of stress and a naive child learning about all the big bad things in the world that she can not control. Like men. Or thinking the absolute worst thing is a man that is honest with her about how he feels .. when she has yet to meet the worst kind of man. She will bless Ayguili for his honesty if she ever crosses paths with the other kind. But until then I suppose he is the most important drama in her life and .. thus I figured this was about loss of control. However as the dreams progressed it became more obvious with the revelations she gave me that this was about her own memory .. her own mind speaking to her. It was not for me to interfere but to allow this communication to take place in the time that her own mind thought she was ready to learn it. Not before. I do not know Yamka well enough to tell her something even her mind does not believe she is ready to know.

I have had a couple of good talks with Tarra .. well I should say ... a couple of beginnings to good conversations. Tarra always .. leaves. Or goes quiet. I am seeing a side of Tarra I have not before. Not a bad side .. a different side. I do not know what inspires it .. if it is good things or bad. I do not know what has drawn her so far within herself. Not that I do not know what that is like .. I do it a lot. Get quiet .. disappear for a couple of days ... usually when I am introspective on a subject or I need to get my temper under control. Perhaps she is having a temper. I have hesitated to ask her strait up because it is not as if she has done something wrong .. it is just different. And so often when I speak to Tarra and ask her questions she gets defensive as if I am assuming something bad about her when that is the farthest thing from my mind and I just do not want to get that started again. I am a little trigger shy. I have used a crossbow .. I do not like them. I prefer the bow I was brought up with. It is precise .. and never fails me.

Tarra and I have spoken a lot about elements. Water and Fire mostly .. which suits me ... they are my favored. One out of a narcissistic sort of attraction and the other .. because it fascinates me ... calls to me. Probably why I can be found at the stream when I am not working .. those times when I seek solace from the over stimulation to my thought process. The water soothes. Like a lullaby. A woman's voice. Tarra asked me if I wanted to learn more of water. I know about water .. what I want to learn is .. from water. I want to hear it ... I can lose myself in it .. forget to think for a few brief moments. I treasure those moments. Probably because they are few and far between .. though the truth is that I would not change how I am or who I am for anything. Perhaps I only love what I can not have. I have heard that said of me before. I do not want to believe it is true .. but I understand why people think it of me. It does appear so on the surface. Usually .. it is all about me just being slow with affairs of the heart .. by the time I catch up and get any kind of grasp on what is going on ... the woman has moved on. Cursing me under her breath for a bosk headed bastard son of a .... impatient little things are women.

Which has brought my entire thought process around to Silken. I do not understand her .. not at all. I have thanked her for the stew she sent over. I have burned the notes .. as I do with any sort of written word on paper ... superstitious man that I am. But .. she rarely speaks to me. I mean .. really talks to me. The only times I have seen her for hands is when she shows up at the Fires and does not even come near me ... or riding by my wagon with a wave. I .. am not sure what to do with that. What does a man do with that? Track her down and stake her to the ground so she can not move and then have a conversation with her? I am far too lazy for such. I do not pursue women. Never have. Too many things going on in my head .. a woman really has to be around me a lot before it occurs to me that I need to find her for some reason or another .. and it is usually that logical. She has to present herself in my near vicinity more often than not in a problem solving sort of way ... before I see her as a tool to solve any problems. As damning as that seems to my heart ... I have yet .. not learned how to change it. And now she has decided to go on her trade route .. with Jax. Without even a word to me of it. The only reason I even know is she spoke it to Ayguili at the Fires. I wonder if she caught the look I gave her. I will not stand second to any man. Do women not really understand how independent I am? And full of pride? Sometimes disastrously so .. and yet I can not change it .. or at least I have not figured out how to yet... or why I should. I am a man .. when a woman refuses to even cross the fires to sit with me .. when she prefers the company of another man to my own ... I dare you to try to convince me she has feelings for me.

The entire thing begins to give me a temper .. go figure ... Fonce is irritated. Irritated about women .. certainly nothing unusual there.

Good time for a visit to the stream. I wonder if the steam will be visible.

Sharp Tongues

2009-05-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

Women.

I have been pleased to avoid them lately. For days. You would not realize how hard that is to do .. when you actually set about doing it. But I have managed .. succeeded. I have kept the harping nasty sharp tongued whining gossiping prattling things at bay. And thereby ... comfortable. I am quite satisfied with myself.

We .. as a Tribe .. are getting ready to head to the Love Wars. Tradition .. challenge ... entertainment. All the things a Tuchuk lives for.

I was making my way towards the Main Fires when the tone of one of the women meant for the stake could be heard above the others. By the Sky I know she is beautiful but .. she makes me tired. She makes me feel all the muscle aches from the entire day of riding .. herding. That is just not what a woman is raised to do. Especially one for the stakes. She is raised so that her very tongue is pleasing to men .. so it rings clear and beautiful with a challenge. So that her presence .. her very appearance lends to a man's comfort. He feels better just having her near. He wants to possess her .. or protect her ... even face a famed Turian warrior to do so. Right now I would give half my bosk .. let alone fight some Turian ... for just such a voice .. such an appearance.

Such a woman.

I veered off sharply and returned to my wagons. I will not even suffer the company of my slaves this evening. They do not know me well enough yet for me to seek out their chatter when I am like this. They will only annoy me with their efforts and I will end up trying to put an end to their existence.

When did the difference between haughty and obnoxious get so blurred? When did men forget what women were supposed to be raised for? Even women not meant for the stakes .. who would pay to have a sharp tongued negative minded woman? What bride price could be set for such?

I can not answer .. and venting has not given me any comfort. My only ease of thought is found in solitude. It is taking much more than I would have believed to erase the wounds left by stupidity across my synapses. I am irritable and I feel the weight of my own anger like a fondly remembered cloak warding off the frore intent that nips at my heels.

No .. it is much better that I am alone right now. The time when I would have sought solace in a woman has long since fallen into the past. Fallen by the wayside with those whom I hurt so badly with my attempts to find that ease of spirit .. not one of them able to get passed my brutality. It is better that I do not try to share these times with anyone.

It will fade .. it always does. I will return to the fires and tolerate even the sharpest of tongues and I shall pretend to be socially adjusted and no one will notice the difference. And surprisingly I am even looking forward to the Love Wars .. perhaps I will hear a voice .. I will set my eyes upon a woman ..

... a woman worthy of such effort from a man.

Seeds of Closure

2009-05-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

It had been several days since the ridiculous scene at the Main Fires. Several days and no Yamka. Now .. I could understand not stepping up out of some healthy fear .. during the heat of the moment. But the heat of the moment was long gone and it was time to speak. Long passed time to speak .. and a woman's reputation hung on her words ... still. No matter if Yamka was to blame or not .. at this point she needed to do the right thing and tell her side of it instead of just letting Asria take the brunt of the accusations. If for no other reason than to clear her own name. But if her name and her honor were not a good enough reason to step up ... I decided enough time had lapsed and I was going to find her and ask her myself.

I learned she had been seen leaving the main Harigga and going out into the herd .. I followed the direction I was given. Rocca .. with his easy rhythm was a pleasure to ride as usual as we threaded our way through the bosk accompanied by the creak of well worn leather and the jingle of gear. I saw her sitting on a small rise and as I rode up she pushed off the ground and turned to face me.

We exchanged some pleasantries and then I asked her if she knew why I was there. She said she had heard some rumors .. of things said. She told me she was glad it was me that came to find her.

Yamka does not know me very well.

But in this case I was probably the most benign person she could have spoken to about this. The most .. calm.

I asked her what she had said to Sef .. concerning Asria and her behavior. She told me she had not said anything directly to Sef. That it was merely her and Kaeli wagering on me. Who I was going to mate .. between Asria and Seveya.

huh

Seems my personal business is fodder for gossiping tongues again.

figures

That it came up between her and Kaeli .. how often Asria moves back and forth from my wagon .. because her wagon is near mine. Which I informed Yamka it was not .. but that was not really the point at all and I asked her to continue. She said that was all it was .. wagering on me and who I would mate.. and specifically about Asria's movements and that she seemed to like me.

huh

I asked about who was there .. it was Kaeli .. Yamka .. Sorrel and Sef. I made sure Yamka knew that Asria had every right to be at my wagons. She seemed to understand that. Odd how so much could be misunderstood if everyone understood that simple fact as they claim to do so now. I asked her strait if she was accusing Sef of lying. She said she was not sure what all Sef had said but that she had told me the truth of it from her side.

So it seemed there was nothing more to it than three women gossiping and wagering over my business and carelessly and cruelly throwing out perfectly innocent women's names for fodder to anyone who was listening. I wondered if Seveya was aware how close she came to being chained to the Ubar's wagons with the same kind of accusations laid against her. I told Yamka she was fortunate Sef did not go after Seveya .. or she might have lost one of her best friends over something stupid and untrue.

She swore to me she would not wager again .. I told her that was not what I wanted ... I told her I did not believe it was so much about the wagering as about being careless with throwing out people's names and their personal business. We are Tuchuk .. wagering is a part of our lives .. we wager on two water drops as they fall down the side of a wagon ... but we do not wager on people's personal business. On the affairs of their hearts .. on their honor or innocence. We do not drag each other's names through the mud of speculation. At least .. that is what I thought the First Fires was about. Perhaps I have been gone too long and things have changed.

Whatever the case .. I was am here now. I am an Oralu. I will expect a higher code of conduct from my people. I will enforce that code with all the power given me by my Ubar and the strength of my hand. And I will do my best to stamp out any little hateful fires of discontent and malice towards those we should consider our family .. those we should treat with the same respect we like to be treated with.

She finally asked me what she could do to make Asria feel better.

I told her to tell Asria the truth. Asria faced a scarred Commander and heard the words against herself in Yamka's name. There was going to be some time needed to heal there. But I figured that honesty and effort would go a long way towards setting things right.

I took Yamka back to the Harigga with me .. letting her down from Rocca to speak to Asria. The first seeds of closure were sewn. Closure for Yamka and Asria. I kept my own opinions to myself .. where they would stay unless called on. What mattered was that I saw this as the end to it.

There was some good natured teasing .. and some teasing that I do not quite understand but I have come to tolerate. Teasing about me and pregnant women .. about babies. The mistaken notion that I will not have anything to do with either one. I have explained it. I have spoken of things that are hard for me to speak of. I have tried to be clear .. as clear as I can be about something so personal. But I suppose there is no harm in their misunderstandings. If they wish to believe such .. it only means that it will be expected when I get up and leave during certain conversations.

It was just after Yamka left that Asria asked me if I would tell her about it. I asked her .. what she spoke of. She asked me .. had I not spoken to Yamka and had not Yamka spoken to me? I told her that yes .. indeed .. we had spoken. Asria then said Yamka had spoken about a wager but refused to tell her exactly what that was about. I told Asria that Yamka had mentioned it. Asria asked me to explain it. I asked Asria why I would explain such a thing when Yamka had not.

She smiled at me .. and asked "Why wouldn't I ask you too if it were about me? It just ... " And then she glanced to Kaeli and back to me .. clearing her throat and telling me .. "Never mind."

I asked her if she was refraining from further questions because she thought I would not speak in front of Kaeli .. because I wanted her to know it had nothing to do with Kaeli ... that would not speak Yamka's business with or without Kaeli around.

I think it is the hormones. It is really all I can chalk it up to because it makes no sense to me .. the next few words exchanged ... her parting shot. All I know is that Asria reminded me that night how tired women make me feel .. and how welcome my empty wagon was when I finally got around to falling into my furs.

Tonight I am very comfortable being .. alone.

All That Glitters

2009-05-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

I had avoided the Main Fires for a couple of days. Throwing myself back into work and my Command. I needed a break from some of the stupidity .. the mind glazing ability to ignore logic and respect. My mental energy was low and there was nothing better for it than to return to those things that I loved more than anything else .. the bosk ... and my men.

The night before I had retrieved the dream catcher from Cana's wagon. This was a priority for me and one I took very seriously. I was still sore and a little high on adrenaline and endorphins when I finally made my way to the fires. I was hoping to see Seveya and apologize to her for missing her celebration. As luck would have it .. I did.

She was much different that morning .. in appearance and in how she related to me. I am not sure why .. well I am rather convinced about the appearance. She was sporting fitted leather all over and if I had any doubts about the curves and contours of her form before ... all those doubts are swept away.

Not that it is strange for women to wear leather pants and vests around the Fires .. Tarra and Silken have done so since I can remember. What was impacting for me was the difference. One day to see her still in skirts and tunics and the next to see something completely .. different. In my mind it made the ringing a prominent marker in how I view Seveya. I have not yet decided if I like the change. I did not imagine that it would be so ... different.

I suppose that makes me a naive man. A man unused to being around women before they are ringed. Most are kept away from the Fires .. as they near womanhood ... away from having much to do with men that are not their family. It reminds me how narrow my views can be when I am not exposed to more than my own little circles of influence.

There seemed more of a difference than just the ring and leather. But I suppose I can understand that as well considering she is finally to be seen as a woman .. with all the privileges and responsibilities ... something all the other girls her age achieved years before Seveya. It was as if all these changes were held back for one moment instead of grown into slowly.

What I do not understand is the distance that she felt from me. There was no warmth .. no hint of the woman who told me she wanted to explore feelings she had for me. Those words seem a world away right now .. I am struggling to find their connection to the new Seveya.

Perhaps it is that my head is clouded with the dream and the meanings and the things I must put together like a puzzle for Cana. Perhaps I am merely a simple minded man and I have trouble keeping up with changes. Perhaps she is distracted with her new found freedom .. her new kaiila and the ability to go and not be tied to the wagon. Perhaps Seveya does not feel the same way as she did .. and now that she is free to be a woman .. with both feet now planted firmly ... she realizes there is much more to see and do before she narrows her focus on one man.

Time will tell. I do not pursue women. Not sober anyway. Most of the time I am far to comfortable in my ways to have the thought occur that I even should do so. It is rare that a woman will get through enough layers that my attention is narrowed to a focus. Not to mention my reputation does not lend itself to guardians being all too pleased with my attentions directed towards their ward. So either women give up and move on or they are forced to give up and move on ... and I rarely seek to know the difference.

Perhaps one day .. a woman will pierce this comfortable apathy that so often shrouds my emotions and I will know .. what I want and I will find it a directive as much as the other things in my life. Perhaps one day my needs and desires will find a bridge to my focus and intent. Perhaps there will be a woman who is patient with my introspective thought process ..

.. I think I am done with "perhaps" today. There are bosk to herd and men to train and I will revisit this later when I have more information to plug into all these unknowns.

Suspended Animation

2009-04-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

It was the music that came to me first. Clear defined notes .. I do not know what instrument they originated from ... it was nothing I had heard before. The sound was heavy .. but clear. Weighty like a heartbeat or thunder ... but sharp with clarity so that very little reverberation clouded the purity of the sound. It reminded me of a woman .. singing. Or a small child .. yes I would have to say a child with the ability to reach notes that an adult could never attempt. I felt a pang of memory .. but it was the kind of melancholy that you could taste .. savor on your tongue .. and you were almost thankful for the chance to experience such sadness mixed with longing.

Almost.

I did not wish to know more .. than that melancholy ... I did not wish to remember anything but that sensation. I did not want to remember why I was here .. wherever I was. I wanted only to follow it .. to experience it forever. As it began to drift I fought the reality that started to seep into my conscious .. I reached for the sound taking my first step towards it

... and then I heard a scream of agony cut through everything. A man's scream. A scream of tortured agony .. I knew what that scream meant ... I had caused so many of them.

But I recognized my own voice .. and I finally felt the pain that had inspired such a sound from my own lungs.

It all had happened so slowly. I wondered if it worked like that for those that had fallen beneath my own blade. Had they heard themselves scream before the realization registered in their brain? It was something I wanted to know .. something I would do my best to find out ... later.

For now there was only the pain I felt .. the pain that ripped through my chest and my back .. pain from hooks threaded through my flesh and attached to lines .. lifelines. Lifelines to something I was supposed to be remembering .. something I was supposed to know ... something I had made sure I would not ... be lured away from.

But even then I still pulled against them .. I still wanted to follow that sound that soothed with every infinitesimal slice to my tongue .. even as it lapped at my senses with mind numbing horror ... I could still taste that bursting of bitter wine flamed to life .... and I wanted more.

But it left me .. I wept for it ... longed for it .... ached for it from the depths of my bones as clarity rained on me in soft misty showers.

And I remembered. I remembered through the pain and the longing. I remembered in the cleansing mists. I remembered the dream and what I had learned. I remembered the boiling darkness .. I remembered the Nothing's name that chased the Favored Son of the Sky. I remembered the number of the Nothing's defeat.

But most of all I remembered what it was to fly .. for a few brief moments ... on the wings of sorrow's siren .. the thrall of melancholy's aria .... to taste the blood of my own burning heart upon my tongue and

... I had not had enough.

I Do Not Want to be a Slave

2009-04-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

The night enfolded me when they left .. in the same arms that had cradled the two of them. Perhaps I knew a little bit more about the night than they did. But there was not one bit of it that I was not comfortable with .. rather secure in the fact there was nothing out there that scared me any more .. nothing that I could not conquer .. nothing that was not all ready a part of me.

I felt it .. the nudge. The come-hither beckon like a siren's whisper .. cool breath against my ear. A fingernail of lure along my shoulder ... the desire to look .... to follow. To feel. To strip the numb apathy from my body and .. feel.

How long had it been?

I brushed it aside. There were too many things going on in the Harigga for me to not be around. I should be available .. near ... to be located in case I was needed. I rose to my feet and started the walk back letting the night slip from around me in whispering tendrils of needy ribbons .. a lover's touch begging me to return to the furs ... as I neared the fires and lamp's light. There was a dominant's pleasure in the touch .. a sadist's satisfaction in the need that was betrayed ... self satisfaction in the ownership ... knowing it would be there when I wanted it.

I did not believe that there was any more room in my head for thoughts that night. There was so much .. so many things ... from the sound of the drums that morning about Asria to the brief talk with Mezoo. A talk I was rather possessive of. The part where Asria tried to climb down from her pedestal. To the cracking of a particular shell of thought with Lei and Also. The night was aging .. and my brain was surely full.

When I arrived back at my wagon the smell of food finally got to me. It .. and to a good extent Catch ... had been ignored earlier for the amount of concentrated energy I had to use to try to understand Asria. Catch is very good at blending. I suppose that is a very necessary trait for a slave to have around me. I rarely handle interruptions from slaves very well. I had been pleased with her though for not attempting to make the moments about her .. for allowing Asria and I to speak. It endeared the slave a little to my soul. The ability to rely on someone to take a backseat and let others find focus .. was a thing I valued more than I make obvious. Most women .. if not interrupting ... would have just left. Leaving it to me to find them later. But that is not something I appreciate. I am .. at best a lazy master and ... I should not have to hunt my slave down. No .. she was there ... within reach of my hand or my voice and allowed me to make the choice of whether she should be there or not.

I dropped to the step and had just started to get ready to eat when Sef .. started riding his kaiila around my wagon and making all kinds of odd and I dare say ... sexual sounds. Either he had finally lost the small thread of sanity he had left .. or ... no I am sticking with that theory and no one is going to be able to convince me it is anything else. Ever. I am going to erase the conversation that followed from my brain. Like it never happened. Ever. Just a small hole in the evening that I doubt anyone including myself .. will ever notice is missing.

I can say though .. that by the time he left my thought process was done. Checked out and on its way to sleep .. with or without me. Had enough. I drug Catch back into the wagon ... intending for her to make an excellent pillow. Something to shove around in the furs. As I was drifting off I heard her whisper in my ear.

"I do not want to be a slave."

And I thought I was done.

HA

I thought the Sky could not hold one more thing that I would or could have a thought about.

This is a colossal lesson in behavioral modification. "Do not tempt me Fonce .. I will make you one sorry son of a Bitch."

figures

My eyes flew open .. casting aside the aegis of lids as if the shield did not matter in the battle that was just about to take place. Adrenalin .. an often pleasing drug ... was this night seen as a horrific intruder. Focus was rather insanely intent on her features as she looked at me .. bathed in the last few coals from the copper bowl.

Then she smiled. A smile I have not seen from Catch before ... a smile that intrigues me even now. Who knew there was a larl behind that kit's expression? Her delicate fingers slid across my chest and the soft contour of her cheek met my stomach in a graceful caress which never took her eyes from mine .. and she whispered ..

".. I want to be .. your .... slave."

I laughed .. I laughed deeper than I have in a long ... long time.

And then I fucked the ever living sleen shit right out of her until she was properly sorry for waking me up like that.

And then we both slept like the dead.

And the day .. was by the Sky ... finally over.